Her brown eyes saw more than they should. She continued to study him, then she nodded and disappeared into the crowd. A couple of minutes later Travis walked over to him.
"Elizabeth sent me to talk to you," Travis said. "What"s going on?"
Jordan didn"t want to talk about it, but the look on his brother"s face told him he wasn"t getting a choice. He shifted on the walkway and pulled his coat closer against the evening chill.
"I"ve been thinking a lot about Dad," he said, which was, in a way, the truth.
Travis grimaced. "Why bother? I"m glad the old man lives on the other side of the country. I wouldn"t send him a Christmas card if Elizabeth didn"t make me. You want to get in touch with him?"
"No," Jordan said shortly.
"I didn"t think so. He"s a b.a.s.t.a.r.d down to his bones." Travis"s expression hardened. "I"ll never forgive him for what he did to all of us."
Craig was standing nearby and overheard the conversation. As the group moved on to the next house, he dropped back to join them.
Travis spoke. "You ever call Dad?"
"Why would I?" Craig asked. "I don"t have anything to say to him. Nothing I"ve done has ever been good enough for him. I quit caring about him and his opinion a long time ago." Bitterness darkened his voice.
Jordan stared at his oldest brother. He"d never thought about what Craig must have gone through because he was the firstborn. He had endured the brunt of Earl Haynes"s rage. Jordan remembered Craig had often taken the blame for things he hadn"t done. When Travis had asked why, Craig had said he was bigger, so the beatings didn"t hurt him as much. With the hindsight of an adult, Jordan knew Craig had just been looking out for his brothers.
Around them another song began. The words of peace and hope contrasted with the mood of the conversation. They paused to listen.
"You guys okay?" Elizabeth asked when the song ended.
Travis looked at her. "We"re fine." But he stayed on the sidewalk with his brothers. By now Kyle and Austin had joined them. Only the women and children walked up to the next house. In the back of his mind Jordan noticed that the group sounded slightly more in key.
"I blame the old man for a lot," Travis said. "I never knew how to be a husband or a father."
"None of us did," Craig said. "I knew I was supposed to be the leader, but I never knew what I was doing. Obviously, or I wouldn"t have married Krystal."
"I nearly lost Sandy because of him," Kyle said. The night air was cold, and he pulled his leather jacket closer. "I was afraid I wasn"t good enough for her and her kids."
"I nearly lost Elizabeth," Travis said.
"We all made mistakes," Craig said. "Everybody does, but I know we would have done better without him and his brothers around."
"I remember not wanting to be like them," Travis said. He shoved his hands into his coat pockets.
They nodded. Jordan had made that vow, too. He didn"t want to be like his father or uncles, using women, then tossing them aside. He"d wanted more. Then he"d learned how much it hurt to love someone, and he"d decided to avoid relationships altogether.
Austin cleared his throat. "For a while I thought you guys were lucky. You still had a family. Folks who cared about you. Then I figured out sometimes it was better to be alone."
"We"ve come a long way," Craig said, and slapped Kyle on the back. "Even you, baby brother."
"Gee, thanks."
Craig was right. They had grown and changed. None of them had turned out like their father. Jordan wondered what his brothers would say if he told them the truth about the past. No one had ever figured out why their mother had left. At first he hadn"t said anything because he was too stunned. In his heart he"d hoped she would come back. He"d hated Louise and the tragedy she"d brought to their lives. Then he hadn"t mentioned the truth because he"d been afraid.
In his young, sixteen-year-old mind he"d worried that if he brought everything out in the open, Earl would marry Louise. Jordan couldn"t bear the thought of her being his stepmother and a part of the family.
Conversation flowed around him. He was caught up in a dilemma. He believed Louise"s affair was her secret to keep, but what about the child? Should he tell his brothers they had a half sister? She was grown up now and living her life somewhere: Did they have the right to get in touch with her? Did she want her life disrupted, or would she welcome the addition of four half brothers?
It wasn"t until Holly rested her fingers on his arm that he realized that the caroling party had broken up.
"Are you feeling all right?" she asked, then touched his face. She was in her nurse mode, fussing over him.
"I"m fine." He captured her hand and brought it to his mouth, where he kissed her palm.
He heard her breath catch in her throat. "You"re thinking about Louise," she said, and there was only a slight tremor in her voice.
"A little," he admitted. He put his arm around her and headed back to Travis"s house.
"You haven"t told them, have you?"
He shrugged. "I don"t know what to say."
She snuggled close. "You"re a very complex man, Jordan Haynes. On the one hand you"re angry and resentful toward Louise for all that happened, but on the other hand you won"t expose her secret. What does that say about you?"
"That I"m a fool."
"I prefer to think of you as a gentle soul."
"Thanks. That"s what every guy likes to hear."
She laughed softly, then sighed. "Are you going to tell them about the baby?"
"I don"t know. It was a long time ago. Wherever she is, she"s not a baby anymore, she"s a woman. Would she want to be a part of this?" What he didn"t say was that he did want to find his half sister. The reason he held back was Louise. By admitting the truth, he would be giving Louise a permanent place in the family. He still blamed her for everything that had happened. He didn"t want to reward that by welcoming her as one of them.
"I always wanted a sister," Holly said. "You"re lucky to have such a close family."
"You wouldn"t say that if you"d met my father."
"I heard a little about him from Louise and from what you"ve told me. He sounds difficult."
"That"s a nice way of putting it." He thought about the past. "If I"d figured the truth out sooner, about my father and Louise, I mean-"
"What would you have done? You were too young to have made any changes."
"You"re probably right." They paused by the front steps of Travis"s Victorian home. Everyone else had gone inside.
Holly stood on the first step so they were nearly at eye level. She placed her hands on his shoulders. "So you admit you were young and didn"t know what to do?"
"Sure, if it makes you happy."
Her gaze locked on to his. "Louise was young, too." Jordan tried to turn away and she tightened her hold on him. He could have broken away easily, but he didn"t want to hurt her feelings.
"It"s not going to work, Holly."