She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. She couldn"t tell what he was thinking, but he didn"t look mad. "B-both."
The silence made her nervous. Oh, there were Christmas carols in the background, and the snapping of the logs on the fire, but Jordan didn"t speak. Of course he wouldn"t want her. She wasn"t like his other women. She wasn"t attractive enough or experienced. He wouldn"t want to bother with her.
"I"m sorry," she said, and started to stand up. "My mistake." She had to get out of here before she started to cry.
He grabbed her hand and held her fast. "Don"t go," he said. "Please." He gave her a half smile. "I want to make love with you, Holly. I"m stunned that you would pick me to be your first. Stunned and honored."
"Yeah?" She wanted to believe him.
He kissed her gently. "Yeah."
They stared at each other for a moment. She swallowed nervously. "What do you want me to do?"
"Just sit there. I"ll be right back."
He headed for the stairs and took them two at a time. At least he wasn"t acting as if this was going to be hideous. A small but comforting thought. She pressed a hand against her now-fluttering tummy and wondered if she was making a mistake.
She laughed softly. No. She"d chosen wisely. Jordan was tender and considerate. He would make her first time wonderful. With him, she wouldn"t mind being awkward and asking questions. He had a way of easing her discomfort, even when she was embarra.s.sed.
He returned with a thick quilt and a small box. She got up and helped him spread the quilt in front of the Christmas tree. Then she shifted her weight from foot to foot. "Are you sure it"s okay to do it here?"
He kissed her forehead. "We can do it anywhere you like. I thought this would be romantic."
She glanced around at the tree and the flickering fire. It was romantic. "Okay."
He set the box next to the champagne gla.s.ses. "I"ll take care of protection."
"P-protection?" She took a step back. Oh my gosh. They were going to have s.e.x. s.e.x as in they needed protection. She stared at the box as if it contained live snakes.
"Holly, are you all right?"
"Ah, fine."
He stood in front of her and took both her hands in his. His dark gaze met hers. "I know this is strange and you"re scared. I wish I had the right words, but I don"t. I"m just as scared as you are."
Somehow that was comforting. "But you"ve done this before."
"Not with you."
Interesting logic. She liked it. "I"m afraid I"m going to say or do something stupid."
"I"ll promise not to laugh if you will."
"Why would I laugh?"
He smiled. "s.e.x is pretty silly. Have a seat." He settled next to her, then reached for the box. "These are condoms. Have you seen one before?"
She shook her head.
He opened the box and dumped the contents onto the quilt. Before she could pick one up, he was undoing the box and smoothing it flat. She glanced down and was stunned to see detailed instructions along with some odd-looking ill.u.s.trations.
"They tell you how to use them?" she asked, her voice rising into a shriek.
"How else would you learn?"
"I thought guys just sort of knew."
"Sorry. At the beginning we"re just as nervous and ignorant as everyone else."
She scanned the instructions. Involuntarily her gaze dropped to Jordan"s lap. He was wearing jeans, and she couldn"t tell if he was "erect" as they mentioned in step one. If she couldn"t even tell that, how on earth was she going to figure anything else out?
Before she could panic even more, he reached for one of the packages and ripped it open.
"W-what are you doing?" she asked, terrified the next step was undoing his pants and pulling "it" out.
"Trying to show you it"s not scary." He handed her the open package. "Take it out."
She a.s.sumed he meant "it" as in the condom and not "it" as in, well, his "it." She cleared her throat, then dumped the contents onto her palm.
The condom was flat and round, sort of an ivory color. She inhaled the faint odor of latex.
"You can unroll it," he said.
She held it between her thumbs and forefingers, then did as he suggested. When it was completely unrolled, she stared at it. The condom hung limply from her fingers.
"Somehow I was expecting more," she said.
"Still scared?" he asked.
She wiggled it slightly. "Not of this."
"Good." He rose to his feet. "I"m going to get more champagne. I"ll be right back."
Holly stared at the condom. It looked like a weird little balloon. An idea formed in the back of her mind. She tried to ignore it, but once there, the idea demanded attention. She glanced toward the kitchen, but didn"t see Jordan. After taking a deep breath, she cupped the open end of the condom, then brought it to her mouth.
It blew up perfectly. With three deep breaths she had it nearly as big as a loaf of bread. Behind her gla.s.s clinked against the wood table. Jordan had returned.
He crouched in front of her, took the blown-up condom from her now-shaking fingers and grinned. "Ah, I"m afraid I"m not going to meet your expectations."
"Oh, no." She buried her face in her hands and heard a whistle of air as he deflated the protection.
"My brothers and I found out they also make great water balloons."
She risked a quick glance through her parted fingers. He was sitting next to her on the quilt. Firelight made his dark hair shine. His face was in shadows, but she could see the hint of a smile tugging at his lips.
When he saw her looking at him, the smile faded. "I want to make love with you," he said slowly. "But I"m not going to rush you. I want your first time to be perfect."
She didn"t care about perfection. She only wanted to be with him. "Tell me what to do."