right to have our full attention.
These are all important ways to fulfill your attention-seeker"s need for connection (without feeding his negative attention-seeking) that will simultaneously encourage him to partic.i.p.ate in the meetings, which now make him feel so good.
USING THE FAMILY MEETING TO BENEFIT.
THE POWER-SEEKING CHILD.
Power kids are going to be the most suspicious of these new "family meetings." They will be concerned with whether or not the meeting is a new way try to control or overpower them. They want to know what you are plotting! Since they are bent on proving you can"t make them, or are determined to show you they will do what they want, expect them to initially challenge you at every turn. Expecting this 242 will help you to cope when it occurs instead of berating yourself for not having a smooth meeting.
"Ah," you think to yourself. "Here is my power child, testing me and the system. I am excited about the chance to prove to her that I am NOT trying to overtake her." This is a moment to show her otherwise; it"s a chance to challenge her beliefs. Don"t fl ee from this moment because it"s stressful. Consider these situations: 1. Benny is called to the family meeting and says, "I don"t want to come."
Mom says, "No? Really? That"s your choice, but you have so many good ideas. We could really use you there, but it"s your choice to make."
2. Lily is at the family meeting and it"s time to give appreciations. She has the talking stick but won"t talk.
Mom says, "It"s okay if you don"t have anything to share at the moment, you can just pa.s.s the stick along. You don"t HAVE to share."
The family is working on solving the problem of the morning routines and getting people to school on time. James is certain his parents are talking about him "in code" and that they are trying to manipulate him into being punctual. He is not partic.i.p.ating in the discussion. He"s slumped in the chair with his arms crossed over his chest.
Mom asks, "Is there anything we can be doing to make things go better for you, James?
He says, "No." He"s sure that anything he says will be used against him.
"Okay, sounds like you"ve got a plan for yourself. Let us know if we can help in anyway."243.
James is shocked that the meeting wasn"t about getting him to do something differently. A few minutes later, James loosens up and joins in the conversation.
I"ll bet that Benny, Lily and James would all be great chairs of a meeting, too. It"s a positive expression of power to be called on to act as leader. I would work to involve them in this role as soon as possible.
USING THE FAMILY MEETING TO BENEFIT.
THE REVENGE-SEEKING CHILD.
The child who feels hurt might want to ruin your meeting. Th e trick is not to stop having meetings. Just accept that you may have some challenges in getting them up and running. Most oft en, revenge-seekers will set a trap that involves proving the family is against them by refusing to help reach consensus. Here"s an example: The Parkers are just starting family meetings and are try - ing to solve the problem of what to do for family fun on the weekend. All the siblings want to go to the wave pool.
Everyone, that is, except Collin. He wants to play paint ball.
No one else likes paint ball.
Collin is expecting his family to overrule him and force him to go swimming. In fact, his refusal to go swimming is part of his method. He sets the situation up to prove, once again, that the family doesn"t care about him and his ideas.
He wants to reinforce his idea that he is the marginalized one in the family-the outsider no one cares about. With majority rule, he would be discounted. But we are commit - ted to consensus.
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Mom and Dad recognize his discouragement and his oppositional stance for what it is. "Collin is an important member of this family, and he is not interested in going to the wave pool; we need to find an idea that everyone likes. I am not interested in doing something that Collin doesn"t agree with. Let"s look for other suggestions since I know we can find something that everyone will get behind,"
says Dad.
If further brainstorming doesn"t generate anything that Collin is willing to agree to, then the chair of the meeting can say, "We are nearing the end of our 20 minutes. It doesn"t look like we"ve been able to agree on anything for this weekend. We can try again at the next meeting."
"Hey, wait! Does that mean we aren"t doing anything as a family this weekend?" chimes in Collin"s sister.
"Yes, we need everyone to agree, and that is not happening," says the chairperson.
Now, things could go one of three ways: 1.
The siblings will get on board with the paint ball idea (and no doubt have fun, in which case we can thank Collin at the next meeting for his great idea and insistence).
They will do nothing, and Collin will see that he is indeed important, and that people really do care about him, his thoughts and his preferences. He learns he will not be overruled or discounted. That feels good! His siblings might even work harder during the week not to pick on him so much, since they want his co-operation at the next family meeting.
Things are looking up all-around for Collin.245.
3. Or, Collin might change his mind and agree to the wave pool.
Wow, Collin, thanks so much for being willing to help the family this way!
The family meeting not only helped with planning the family fun, but by understanding Collin"s goals and mistaken beliefs, the parents were able to use the family meeting as a way to show Collin experientially that he is loved and valued. Powerful stuff, isn"t it?
USING THE FAMILY MEETING FOR THE.
a.s.sUMED INADEQUATE CHILD.
Children who are so discouraged that their goal is to avoid may not want to attend the meeting. Remember, these children need to be shown just the smallest steps towards success. With these kids in the family, it is best to stay in Stage One until they join.
Stage One meetings are fun, low-threat meetings. Invite them to the meeting and ask them if they would keep you company, even if they don"t want to partic.i.p.ate. It"s a small, safe step that says they are important.
Also, beef up the acknowledgment portion of your meeting.
Your deeply discouraged child needs to hear positives from each parent and from her siblings every week. If the deeply discouraged child offers up an appreciation for someone else, let her know how much her comment made an impact.
Try to draw forward the discouraged child by highlighting her strengths. "We"re trying to plan our family fun for this weekend, and I was thinking of suggesting the park. Do you remember the last time we went and Julie was like the Pied Piper? All those little kids really wanted to play "What time is it, Mr. Wolf?" with you. You must have had 10 kids that you got into that game!"
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The process may go more slowly when you are starting with a child who has the mistaken goal of a.s.sumed inadequacy, but week by week, these strategies will begin to repair and heal, and your family meetings can and will become more robust in time.
FROM BAD TO BETTER!.
Are you nervous now? Don"t be! Your meetings are going to go just fine. In fact, you are more ready than you know. You will learn along the way, and the best part about family meetings is that any problems you have in the meeting just become agenda items for everyone to solve together. People interrupting no longer has to be something that you alone must resolve. Now you can put it out there: "We need to discuss how to handle people interrupting each other at our family meetings. How can we do that better?" Or, "It seems to me that people use a lot of put-downs in the family meeting; how can we address that problem in our family?" I love family meetings because I don"t have to be the brilliant one all the time. Share the load! It works better if you do.
You have learned so much about your children and probably something about yourself over the course of this book. You have the benefit of seeing your children for the wonderfully creative and resourceful people that they are. I hope your att.i.tude about misbehavior is forever altered by the knowledge that our children are seekers. They are on a mission to fulfill their needs. How great is that? Our only enemy is discouragement. Remember, a growing ability to be encouraging and to help our children fi nd their need for significance and belonging is now in your grasp.
There is no way for things not to improve over time as your family gels together and builds the bonds that will sustain you all.
It"s a change in the tides. With each improved skill, your children Chapter Eight 247.
will shed more discouragement and begin to shine. Shifting from a punishment-and-reward model of parenting to a democratic model that is br.i.m.m.i.n.g with respect will bring about better behaviors and less need for correction of any kind.
We all know that success begets success, and you have already begun. Even applying just a few of the tools you have learned will bear results that will encourage you to keep on. You may re-visit this book often as you begin to apply what you have learned. You can also visit my website www.alyson.ca for ideas and tips on how to approach new situations that might arise. Join the other parents there that are also working to change their families for the better.
We"re building a community of support so you don"t have to feel you"re alone. Post comments, ask questions and find resources as you need them.
Parenting is a journey and it"s a joy to know that I can be on that trek with you. Your children have everything to gain from your willingness to try something new, to keep on trying, even in the face of those "bad days" and setbacks. And they"ll repay you for your efforts by being the most awesome next generation of people.
They will become people who know how to get along, who know how to solve the problems of a global world that is fi lled with so much disparity. Your children will make a difference, because you parented them diff erently!