Honey, I wrecked the kids.
by Alyson Schafer.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.
This book has been the result of many people"s efforts, and I am grateful to the talent pool at Wiley Canada who all worked diligently on this project. Special thanks to Leah Fairbank, my editor, who always challenges me to do my best work and who twisted like a pretzel to keep this project moving during diffi cult circ.u.mstances.
I have been the beneficiary of so much. Everything I have written about comes from the philosophical tenets that Alfred Adler masterminded and that Dr. Rudolf Driekurs crafted into a child guidance system. I can take no credit for that, and yet, it"s what makes the book powerful.
I also have learned from my many teachers, who must be acknowledged as well. Betty Lou Bettner"s conceptualization of the 4 Crucial C"s has changed the way I teach and speak on the four goals of misbehavior. Dr. Richard Royal Kopp taught me about the dynamics of power and how it plays out in families.
These ideas are core to my work, and I thank these two dynamos for their brilliance.
Also, my heartfelt appreciation to my teachers who pa.s.sed away this year: Dr. Oscar Christensen and Larry Nisan. Th ese men taught me how to work with families by way of demonstration.
It was always magical to watch both these gentle giants talk with children. Although they had very different styles, they could win the respect of children in mere moments. You know how they did it? They truly respected every child they met, and it was palpable in their dealings with them.
Last but far from least, there is my own family to thank. Ken, Zoe and Lucy are my strongest cheering section, and they carried the load for me when I needed to hunker down and write. Th ey"ve told me to "pay-it-forward" to other families instead of re-paying my debt of time and attention to them. You guys rock!
INTRODUCTION.
IT"S NEVER TOO LATE . . .
It"s like most mornings. Coffee in hand, my dog follows me loyally to her spot under my desk. I settle in and open up my e-mail. And there it is again . . . like so many mornings. The subject line reads: HELP!!!
That HELP!!! is the digital siren call of yet another distraught parent who is at their wit"s end, reaching out for advice on how to deal with a difficult child. They have no doubt already tried a litany of things to gain some control, and to regain peace and sanity. They have probably already read countless parenting books, tried the advice of a whole chorus of people (friends, family, other professionals), but they keep coming up short on finding anything that will work with their child. It seems there is a particular kind of child who just doesn"t respond to the usual bag of tricks anymore. As I read on in this latest e-mail, I discover that sure enough, my hunches are correct. Here is some of what it says: Alyson, I honestly could have had five kids if they were all like my eldest, Rebecca. But if we"d had Sam first, I swear we would have stopped at one child. One Sam is all we can handle-and frankly we aren"t handling him well at all. If Rebecca misbehaved I would send her for a time-out and that was the end of it. No troubles-she"s an angel child. But with Sam it is a totally diff erent story. I tell him to go for a time-out and he looks me square in the eye and says "NO!"
I literally have to go over and pick him up and carry him fl ailing in my arms. Even then he kicks and twists and hits my face! If I scold him and threaten to take away his Webkinz or TV time, he just LAUGHS like he couldn"t care less-and truly, he doesn"t. Help, Alyson. I love him and he is a sweet kid, but if this is what he is like at four, what will he be like at 14? Please HELP!
Do you have a "Sam" in your family-the kid who just doesn"t respond to the old stand-by discipline techniques that work on other kids? Often it"s not just a problem at home, but also at school. It can feel so public, and who wouldn"t feel their parenting was coming under scrutiny?
So you spend your mornings wondering if there will be a phone call or note sent home again today. You sense the school is tiring of all the issues with your child, and the teacher says she has a cla.s.s of 28 students and can"t spend all her time dealing with yours. "It"s not fair to the others." GULP. You"re positive your child is becoming known as the "behavior case" in the staff room.
Is she making a reputation for herself that she may never shake at the school? Should you just call ReMax now, list your home, get out of Dodge and start fresh where no one knows you. Th en you remember she is only seven, and you can"t be on the lamb for spitting. That"s crazy talk. Or is it?
3.
But maybe you"re feeling a bit crazy yourself by now. Crazy, and most likely a little sorry for yourself, too. I can guess why. On top of the day-to-day problems, you also get none of the benefi ts other people seem to be enjoying with their children. Have you noticed how everyone else seems to look forward to family get-togethers, while you actually dread them? There are your brothers and sisters enjoying a Hallmark card moment with their children, but your fun is marred by your kid who generally puts a crimp in everything. Your sister is blissfully sipping her mojito and is free to indulge in adult-talk because her well-behaved children are off making their own fun, while you walk on eggsh.e.l.ls hoping and praying that today your little piece of work will give it a rest, at least while the family is visiting. You can"t bear to have them turn to you with that look of judgment. Frankly, you"re starting to think that if you hear one more personal opinion mocking your inability to deal with your child YOU"LL be the behavior case!
People who don"t have these issues with their children can"t begin to imagine why you"re having troubles. They can"t appreciate your parenting stress: not your family, not your pediatrician, not even your pals in your moms" group. Your co-workers at the office don"t have a clue how issues with a child can be so all-consuming.
The ripple effects of having a discipline-resistant child in the family create a virtual tsunami of relationship breakdowns: siblings create and break alliances, and Mom and Dad find themselves at war over how best to deal with the call that just came in from the neighbor (please, no . . . not another after-school "incident"). Worse, the stress of non-stop damage control can begin to unravel marriages. Short tempers lead to resentments; then come the potshots and worse: "Oh pleaaaase just shut up and let me handle this!"
"Well, if you would just try it my way for a change!"
"You"re as pigheaded as her. . . ."
4.
Cutting remarks, tearing each other down, feeling unheard, disrespected, unsupported, challenged. . . . It sure isn"t what you thought family life was going to be when you were sipping tea and rubbing your pregnant belly while wearing hubby"s big wool socks.
Starting a family was supposed to make your love grow! Instead you"re sure this kid is going to ruin your marriage and hinder or harm the siblings who (touch wood) don"t act like this.
On top of losing a sense of connection with your own family, you can begin to feel like a social pariah. There is a zero-tolerance policy for other parents" misbehaving kids, if you haven"t already noticed. Th e parents of discipline-resistant children tell me they feel like modern-day lepers. No one wants your child to "rub off " on their precious darlings. What happened to a collegial "not to worry, boys will be boys"? No, instead you watch as the other parents-sitting in their tribal circles of folding camp chairs along the soccer sidelines-talk among themselves. And you, in your growing paranoia, swear you overheard them say you must be grooming the next Unabomber.
I work with many parents who are at their wit"s end, trying to deal with one or more of their children who just doesn"t respond to traditional parenting. The old standards like time-outs or taking away privileges (ah-thanks Dr. Phil, but that didn"t work either), the things you see other parents doing, even the things you know worked with your other children, NONE of it makes a diff erence, not with your discipline-resistant child. Grrrrr!
Sam and Rebecca"s parents, the couple who e-mailed me, have been suffering alone, feeling like they are a parenting anomaly. Actually, their family situation isn"t unusual at all. Th e discipline-resistant child is now a common phenomenon: kids who won"t listen, won"t do as they"re told, refuse to sit still in their seat at school or keep to their curfew. They don"t think the rules apply to them, and these children aren"t an oddity or a rare case study-they are everywhere!5.Sometime between removing the door so he couldn"t slam it anymore and pushing his shelf into the hall so he couldn"t chuck storybooks at me when I sent him to his room, I thought to myself-this is crazy. We can"t go on forever disa.s.sembling the house-I need help.
These pleas for help are not just a matter of reaching out for new discipline techniques; they are also about addressing the common fear that-just maybe-our parenting practices are actually making matters worse. Could it be that we as parents are the source of this new modern phenomenon, the evolution of an actual "Discipline-Resistant Child?" These kids are like those super bugs that doctors warn you about: antibiotic-resistant strains of bacteria that have become resistant to any form of intervention. In fact, the very medicine that was supposed to be a cure instead made the bugs even stronger. They"re actually MORE virulent and wreak total havoc now that nothing can stop them.
Hmmm . . . does that sound a lot like what"s happened with the kids? Parents send me e-mails all in bold caps written at 3 a.m.: It"s my fault! Could all those threats and scoldings and all those failed discipline attempts actually have contributed to the problems I am seeing in my child? Is this because I was too inconsistent? Was it my anger? Was I overly harsh? Too lenient? Impatient? Did I actually contribute to building this difficult child?? HELP! What the h.e.l.l am I doing?
I can imagine their heads. .h.i.tting the desk when they fi nish writing, then crawling back to bed where their parter asks, "Everything alright?"
"Honey, I wrecked the kids!"
6.If this sounds like you, then I am glad you found this book.
When I work with families like yours, I actually get energized and excited because I know that the situation can be turned around. In fact, I have worked through this process with enough families that I am eager to begin the revolution. I know that there are "ah-ha"
moments and great relief just ahead.
This generation of children behaves in a way that burdens us all, and it"s time that we addressed the situation properly instead of blaming parents and slapping around diagnoses like "conduct disorder" or "oppositional-defiant disorder." In this book, I will dig deeply to tell a much broader story of human nature. I will talk about what motivates behaviors, both good and bad, and include parents" behavior, too.
Think of this book as the "owner"s manual" we keep saying kids don"t come with. I will take the time to lay the foundation so you can understand your difficult child and then learn how to parent eff ectively.
Every parent can benefi t from having a larger framework for understanding his or her child"s behavior, so that when you read articles online, in magazines, or watch shows on TV you"ll be capable of evaluating the advice. It will become much easier for you to decide if you want to integrate or disregard the barrage of information that will continue to come your way. I off er you a considered parenting model that is both theoretical and philosophical, but that also cuts through the rhetoric to give you pragmatic techniques and strategies.
So if you are willing to bring an open mind and let me poke you in the ribs to keep you laughing through this, I promise to show you a better life with your child. I will teach you how to a.n.a.lyze the situations that are going awry through a whole bunch of hauntingly familiar examples. And, yes, to answer your question, I do sometimes Introduction 7.spy in your windows at night to collect these stories! You"ll begin to see the patterns that are your nemesis and learn new ways to handle them with your discipline-resistant child.
In the pages ahead, I"m also going to show you the most common pitfalls, stumbling blocks and traps that get in the way of eff ective parenting. Some of you will recognize these right away, and realize that you have already started on the right track-you just need to make some subtle changes to carry through.
The first step is to commit to getting to the heart of the issues instead of concerning ourselves with the simplistic and superfi - cial eradication of behavioral symptoms. Quick-fix solutions don"t hold up in the long run. The answers lie in understanding human dynamics.
Did you ever take psychology courses? Do you remember learning about Alfred Adler, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung? Th ese men were the triumvirate that really cracked open modern psychology. They were intellectual sparring partners and they moved each other"s theories forward. They developed, in concert, an idea of human personality development that is known as the "psychodynamic perspective." It is the foundational roots from which nearly all systems of family counseling and family therapy are derived.
My Master"s degree is from the Adler School in Chicago. My professional training is in Adlerian family counseling and parenting, and I was raised by parents who had studied and taught Adlerian theory. My father and grandmother founded the Alfred Adler Insti-tute of Ontario. In fact, my grandmother was the first dean. So, yes, I admit it, I had a slight leaning to this approach. Growing up, I knew my family home was different than my friends", and I was glad.
But I also chose to study Adler because I wanted to work with children and their families, and Adler"s greatest contribution was a 8 form of child guidance practices that were based on principles of respect and dignity. Adler was fi xated with the idea of human co-operation, a seemingly simplistic and yet ever elusive idea. His ideas have been proven effective in many studies from various fi elds, and they are just now really catching the attention of the ma.s.ses.
Adler was a recognized master for working therapeutically with troubled children. Parents who have discipline-resistant children and who feel that they have tried everything have not yet been introduced to his ideas and methods. But these ideas are fundamental to the changes we must implement in order to effectively parent this new generation.
So can we change our children"s behavior? Is it too late? Did we wreck the kids? Of course not! The beauty of human beings is that they can change. That is why I am a therapist. That is why you don"t read signs at the clinic door saying, "Clients over five years old not accepted-no chance of change."
This morning, with my dog still at my feet, I"ve decided that rather than sending one e-mail back to my most recent cry for HELP!!!
I"m going to write a much longer response-this book. It"s not just for Sam"s parents, but for anyone who needs help, and especially for anyone who is ready for change.
Discipline-resistant kids who are driving us crazy and testing every boundary they can find are actually our nation"s most precious resource. They are the people who are going to drive our future, by hook or by crook, and they are banging on our doors: Wake up! We want change!
Let the revolution begin . . .
CHAPTER ONE.
THE SOLUTION.
Yes, there is a social revolution underfoot in your living room. It"s an unconventional battleground to be sure. We"re caught in one-on-one combat with our children in so many homes across the nation that no one notices the huge number of causalities this inter-generational war is creating. As dramatic as that all sounds, I actually think this is an exciting time and, frankly, I believe it will prove to be as historically important a time as the civil rights movement or our bra burning feminist foremothers" campaign for women"s rights.
History was never made by anyone who was obedient.
THE PROBLEM.
Now we are experiencing the "children"s revolution" . . . and if you have a child who is locking horns with your parental authority, you"ve got yourself a freedom fighter, a real Rosa Parks. Today"s children are 10 letting us know with their behaviors that our current discouraging ways of parenting can"t continue. I say hurray!
Many kids just can"t be made to mind anymore. You tell them, "It"s time to practice piano," and they refuse. You say, "Stop running!"
They don"t. You ask them to close the fridge door, and they roll their eyes and keep gazing trance-like at its mundane contents.
In short, they are disobedient (and that is just the fi rst thing I like about these kids). It reminds me of my own rebel mom, who fought for the right to wear pants as an elementary teacher in the "60s. Doesn"t a "no pants" rule for women sound barbaric now? "Th e times they are a changin" " and it"s all for the better, even if change seems scary right now.
Today"s enlightened parents get that. I talk with them all the time. They tell me they don"t want to be discouraging. In fact, they really are motivated to be great parents, and to do right by their kids. They want their children to be treated respectfully, to grow to be their own people. They want to parent in a way that helps their child self-actualize into their full potential. Ahhhhh-what a nice ambition. Probably an idea you came up with when you were smit-ten with your swaddled babe and still high on being a new parent, but as time pa.s.sed those sentiments turned into: Alyson, I hope you can help me. My son Jasper is four years old and we are getting into a lot of situations that I don"t know how to handle. He really should know better by now.
Like when we go to swimming lessons, he won"t get out of the pool, he acts all silly and won"t get his clothes on, choosing instead to dance around and make faces into the mirror.
I end up losing it each time: I finally snap. Why can"t he just listen?11.Two Approaches to a Familiar Problem Well, this is where the rubber hits the road. All our great parenting ideals about how we"re not going to squelch our child"s self-esteem come to a crashing halt when our armpits are dripping in sweat from chasing our naked monkey-child through a steamy change room at the public pool. What are we supposed to do now?
Parents in change rooms all over the nation just throw their hands in the air and ponder the cosmic question, "Why can"t they just listen?" Why can"t all these kids just listen? We could put an end to all this misery if our kids would just LISTEN.
But I ask you, really, isn"t that just another way of saying we simply wish they"d be obedient? Yes, you read that correctly. I said obedient.
I am asking you very seriously, how does that sound to you? Would you like to have an obedient child-is that your solution?
There seem to be two reactions to that question. One camp of parents shout proudly: "d.a.m.n right! Children should be obedient.
After all, I am the grown-up and they are only children who don"t know what they are doing. They need to respect their elders and listen to the rules. We make these rules for their own good. It"s okay if they don"t like it. Tough! I was raised this way and I turned out fi ne."
If that sounds something like your line of thinking, then you fall into a camp of parents whose numbers are vast. For centuries this has been the outlook of parents. It is our cultural history to parent in this autocratic style. Parents hold the power, children are made to be obedient underlings, and behavior is controlled or manipulated by the use of punishment and rewards to keep children in line. Th at"s it in a nutsh.e.l.l, and we"ve been doing it pretty much this way since the Middle Ages.
But there is also an opposing camp of parents. They have totally rejected our past parenting traditions, feeling they are too 12 disrespectful to children. If your response to the word obedient was "Yuck, I don"t want to raise some patsy child who is blindly obedient," then you"ll feel at home with another full camp of like-minded parents. Raising an "obedient child" sounds too militaristic for this generation of soya slugging, eco-conscious, blogger mommies.
h.e.l.lo-obedient? Are you kidding? They abhor the idea; these parents are too rebellious themselves. They remember the totalitarian regime of their own childhoods, and don"t want to repeat it for their children.
This group of parents is a formidable force today and growing in numbers all the time. They even look to bona fide research to support their arguments. They have read up on early brain growth, attachment patterns and the importance of positive parental bonding experiences. They zealously reject the old cultural model of "father knows best," and instead focus on "what"s best for the babe." Th eir reading has left them fearful about the fragility of their children"s psyches. They worry any negative emotions or psychological struggles might be damaging. The result is that these ambitious, nervous parents become "helicopter parents" that hover, protect, overdo, do for and generally intercede and rescue their children from life"s distresses.
This is the "pampering" or "permissive" group of parents.
Most parents identify, at least loosely, with one of these two camps or att.i.tudinal outlooks, and each tends to loathe the ways of the other. The autocrats think pampering parents should just get a grip, grab the reins and get their wild children under control, while the pampering parents think the autocrats are old school, disrespectful of their children"s rights and controlling. What neither camp realizes is that on closer inspection, they have more in common than meets the eye.
Let"s check back in with Mom at the swimming pool. Which camp do you think she is in? After asking Jasper the monkey-man nicely Chapter One 13.to "Please help Mommy by getting your pants on," and aft er Jasper completely ignores his mother"s gentle, respectful request for the umpteenth time, she grows angry that her respectfulness is not being recip-rocated in kind. She thinks to herself "Hey, come on man, I am being a nice mommy; where"s the co-operation you owe me for asking you nicely? Why aren"t you thankful and appreciative? You have this nice loving respectful mommy, so why won"t you listen to me and get your #%$^*&^* pants on!" Bewildered and bankrupt of ideas for what else to do, she defaults to "If you don"t get your pants on this INSTANT . . ."
raising her voice and uttering threats.
She wants to go the respectful route, but when her back is up against the wall, she defaults to punitive measures or bribes. Th e autocrats and the pamperers use the same techniques-only the pampering parents feel bad about it, while the autocrats feel justifi ed.
And so it goes, all over the nation, parents oscillating between asking for co-operation, and when that fails, returning to punitive measures.
These two camps of parents are really just two sides of the same coin. It"s like watching the proverbial Slave and Tyrant Show. In the autocratic household, it"s clear the parent is the tyrant and the child is the slave. In the pampering and permissive home, the parents have abdicated their position on the throne, believing it will put an end to the tyranny, only to realize that their child has discovered the vacant throne and jumped right in. "Get me a grill cheese; I am NOT eating that ham," they proclaim. "Yes, your highness, coming right up. After all, you must eat some protein today," the permissive parent dutifully replies.
Parents take this abuse for a while, and aft er suffi cient feelings of oppression, the pampering parent rises up and the roles reverse temporarily, yet again. "Hey, you"re playing me, aren"t you? I thought you really didn"t like ham, but your teachers say you eat it at daycare!
14.I am not your short-order cook. Eat the ham or go hungry. (Well, but don"t starve. If you"re really hungry, I"ll get you a yogurt tube later, babe.)"
This is crazy-making!
If we look back over our history, we"d realize this child revolution was imminent. In cases of civil unrest, the oppressed eventually rally and overthrow their oppressors. Sadly, history also teaches us that once the oppressed get into power, they seem to immediately have some kind of ma.s.sive amnesia attack and merrily go on to repeat the abuses on others that they themselves just fought to be free of.
How can people learn to get along without dominating and oppressing? How do we co-operate instead of compete with one another? As if those aren"t hard enough questions: How do you both co-operate AND be the disciplinarian to a three-year-old who wants to eat Play-Doh and jump on the couch? It"s a brain twister, isn"t it?
But there is a solution.
An Alternative Solution In my fi rst book, Breaking the Good Mom Myth, I revealed to "do-gooder mothers" that we"re living in toxic times for family life but we don"t notice it because we"re so busy keeping up with the maladjusted Joneses. Most of what we embraced as parenting "best practices" are actually "worst practices."
In this book I promise to show you another way and give you the tools to change your family life forever. I am going to teach you that elusive third choice for parenting. This is not some diluted autocratic system that"s been injected with warm fuzzies to help with PR problems. And, no, it is not a "pumped-up" pampering system that has undergone a.s.sertiveness training to try to give it some backbone.
This is a totally different parenting model: it"s like switching from a PC to a Mac. This is a different operating system, a different view of Chapter One 15.children, how to motivate them, guide them and how to correct their behaviors. It"s the peaceful solution to the child revolution.
What is the solution then? An equitable process known as "Democratic Parenting." It leads to truly co-operative families that thrive together and support one another. It"s not just a wish-it"s a full-parenting plan that comes with a blueprint to follow and a ton of techniques to learn. Given that the family is the basic social building block for a harmonious society, efforts to improve our families by raising co-operative children are the tickets to moving us closer to a less conflict-divided world. Loft y stuff , hey?
Welcome to Democratic Parenting Democratic Parenting is the solution and we are the early adopters.