"But what?"
"But what...but what if...I end up losing him?"
"Are you willing to give up everything you"ve worked so hard for?"
"I don"t know. Maybe."
"But would you give it up now? Right when everything is just taking off?"
I looked at the boxes of Waverly"s Honey Shop products stacked against the walls of my living room. One in particular caught my eye, the pink Honey Tee that said: I KNOW NOTHING, BUT AT LEAST I KNOW THAT.
How fitting.
"Waverly, did you hear me?"
"Yes, sorry. s.p.a.ced for a minute there."
"I know you love him, but would giving up everything, now, make you happy?"
I looked at the Honey products again and shook my head. "No," I whispered. "Not now."
"That"s what you need to remember, OK? Your life is already in major upheaval, so it"s not the time for you to be making any drastic decisions. I realize that Jake is a wonderful guy, and I really want things to work out between you two, but no matter how much you love him, you"re asking for trouble if you give up everything you"ve worked so hard for. Please don"t forget that, OK?"
"OK," I said slowly.
"Listen, I really hate to do this, but Elizabeth is crying for her bottle, and Hunter"s at the hospital, so I need to go. I"m sorry, Wave."
"It"s OK, I understand."
"I love you. You know that, right?"
"Yes. And thanks, Mackie. I love you too."
I hung up the phone and put my face in my hands.
Is this really happening?
Suddenly I thought of Paige, who was clearly sacrificing, in her own way, for love. Whatever she was dealing with couldn"t be easy. Had I been too quick to judge her? Had I been wrong to judge Gary? Maybe he really did love her.
I stood and picked up the Honey Tee. It was the one that had landed me the Jordan Brooke account-the weekend we"d first met Gary in Chicago.
I really do know nothing, I thought.
a a a I didn"t sleep much that night, and when I finally opened my eyes the next morning, I had a thought I hadn"t had in months.
I want to go for a run.
I looked at the clock on my nightstand. It was only seven, which gave me plenty of time before I needed to be at the studio. I jumped up and stripped off my pajamas, then dug through my drawers for a pair of running tights and a long-sleeved T-shirt. I put them on and topped off the outfit with the warmest fleece I had. I hadn"t yet gone for a run in the winter cold of New York and had no idea if my makeshift getup would do, but I had to get outside and clear my head.
I grabbed a pair of gloves and my keys and was off.
I decided to run toward the Brooklyn Bridge. As I pa.s.sed the subway entrances at Court Street and then Borough Hall, I watched people in their winter coats and scarves descend into the ground on their way into Manhattan. Despite my anxious mental state, I was glad to be in my own world for a bit and not about to join the underground rat race just yet. I turned left on Court Street and headed into frosty Cadman Plaza Park. While the sidewalks surrounding it bustled with people, the park itself was mostly quiet, its benches empty and still. The turf field at the center, normally filled with soccer players or friends tossing a football, was dusted with a light layer of snow.
I"d forgotten to put on a hat, and as I ran through the park, I could feel my ears beginning to freeze. I held my hands over them for a few minutes and wondered how much longer I could run before they chipped off.
By the time I reached the end of the park, I could barely feel my face. I was about to give up and turn around, but then I saw the entrance to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Should I keep going? Running over the iconic bridge had been on my to-do list since I"d moved to Brooklyn, but I just hadn"t found the time to do it. Or, I hadn"t made the time.
I"m going to do it.
I took the steps up to the pedestrian entrance to the bridge and set out west toward Manhattan. I looked up and took a quick breath in surprise. Since moving to New York, I"d crossed the bridge many times in a cab, but always at night, and the aboveground subway ran over the Manhattan Bridge farther north. This was the first time I"d been on the Brooklyn Bridge and taken the time to look at itaup close and personal.
It was beautiful.
"Wow," I stopped in my tracks and gazed up at the structure. It was truly stunning, and I felt foolish for having lived literally in its shadow for so long without taking the time to admire it properly.
I stood there for a few moments, my hands on my hips, breathing hard, looking up. It couldn"t look more different from the Golden Gate Bridge, a symbol of my former life, but in its own way, the Brooklyn Bridge was just as beautiful.
I put my head down and kept running.
I"d read somewhere that it took fourteen years to build the Brooklyn Bridge. Fourteen years.
I thought about Jake, then about Aaron. They were the only two men I"d ever loved, and combined, those relationships hadn"t even lasted three years yet.
I thought about how my dad had been widowed at a young age, how the future isn"t ever certain, how fast things can change.
I thought about how in a few days the path I thought I was on might be upended right in front of me I looked overhead again.
Fourteen years to build the Brooklyn Bridge.
Why can"t life be more like that? Why does everything have to happen overnight? Why can"t things stay the same for a while?
The last few months had been crazy and stressful, yes, but I wanted to enjoy the crazy ride I was on. It may not be traditional, but it was my life, and I wanted to enjoy it all.
I looked ahead to where the bridge connected with Manhattan.
Suddenly, I had an idea.
I scanned the skyline before me. To the left I could see the skysc.r.a.pers of Wall Street and the Statue of Liberty. To the right lay the Manhattan Bridge and the booming skyline of Midtown. In between were buildings, cars, people, trees, energy. The entire city was covered in a thin layer of ice, but it was also bursting with life.
It was the dead of winter, but that didn"t stop anyone from living.
When I got to the other side of the bridge, I stopped running, put my hands on my hips, and took it all in. I was terribly out of shape and breathing hard.
And taking in every moment of it.
Things all around me were in motion, but for a brief window, everything stopped, and for the first time in months, I could see clearly.
I finally had an idea for my New Year"s Eve segment.
Although I was relieved to have come up with an idea for the New Year"s Eve piece, I was still anxious. Hard as I tried to focus my mind entirely on the show, I"d be lying if I didn"t say I was a little-if not completely-freaked out about Jake.
And it wasn"t just the Jake situation that had me on edge. Since the Love, Wendy production team had decided to do the entire show on location in Times Square, they planned to incorporate Honey on Your Mind into the live show. Instead of including my usual prerecorded video feature, that meant I"d be doing my show live. And not just live on a quiet street, but live smack among the throngs of tourists from around the globe packed into the most touristy area in all of Manhattan on the most touristy night of them all: December 31. One wrong step, however tiny, and the whole world would see the damage unfold, reality-show style. Given how much editing my segments normally required to get them into the shape I wanted them to be, I was doubtful that I"d be able to pull it off without some sort of legendary Waverly moment ruining the whole thing.
A Waverly moment that would very likely be followed by a conversation with Jake that I desperately wanted to avoid.
Did I mention I was freaked out?
a a a Three days before New Year"s Eve, I entered the big conference room of the Love, Wendy office carrying an enormous cup of coffee that I hoped would compensate for the sleep I"d reluctantly left behind in my warm bed. I was the first one there, and as I was pulling my notebook out of my purse, Ben, the intern, walked in. Ever since that night when he"d finally acknowledged my existence, he"d emerged from his sh.e.l.l a bit more each time I saw him. I wouldn"t exactly call us friends, but we were becoming chummy.
"Hi, Waverly, how"s it going?"
I smiled. "Hi, Ben. I"m OK. I"ve got way too much on my to-do list, but I"m hanging in there. How about you? Did you have a good Christmas?" I went back to studying the notebook in front of me.
"Yep. I got a new phone. Life is good."
I glanced up from my notes and smiled. To be that young again.
People slowly began to trickle in and noisy chatter began to fill up the room. Wendy, the last to arrive, waltzed in casually. I hadn"t seen her since that awkward encounter on Christmas Eve. It was only nine o"clock in the morning, but I couldn"t help but wonder if she"d been drinking.
Without acknowledging me, she removed her cashmere wrap, hung it on the chair behind her, and patted her big hair. "Ben, dear, could you be a peach and fetch me a large, nonfat cappuccino from Argo?" There was a free cappuccino machine in our kitchen, but I"d noticed that Wendy rarely drank anything other than fancy cappuccinos from places like Argo Tea Cafe. Rarely drank her coffee from anywhere but there, I mean. The image of her sitting alone with that vodka bottle was still burned into my retinas.
"Sure, no problem." Ben stood up and looked around the room. "Anyone else want to throw in an order while I"m up?"
Every single hand in the room went up, mine included. We all laughed.
"I bet you regret asking that," I said.
Wendy shot me a look. "I bet you regret some things too," she said under her breath. It was just loud enough for me to hear but quiet enough that no one else could.
I looked at her, not upset, not...anything. A week earlier, I would have wanted to punch her for making such a spiteful comment, but now I just couldn"t be angry with her. She had her demons, and they clearly weren"t going anywhere anytime soon.
I forced a smile. "I"m sure I do, Wendy."
Scotty stood at the front of the table and clapped his hands. "OK, everyone, let"s get started. This is going to be one busy day, and I can say with certainty that the madness is not going to end until the year is over. And by that I mean every single day until the end of the year."
We all laughed, and he took a bow.
"How long have you been waiting to use that line?" I asked.
He winked. "A magician never shares his secrets."
a a a The next afternoon, Paige left me a voice mail that felt like a punch in the gut: "Hi, it"s Paige. I...I need to talk to you. I know we"re supposed to get rolling with the new office January first, but now, well, things have changed for me, and I"m...I"m not sure it"s going to work for me to be a part of Waverly"s Honey Shop anymore. I"m really sorry. Please call me as soon as you can. Thanks."
I listened to the message three times, unable to believe her words were true.
She"s quitting? I couldn"t run Waverly"s Honey Shop without Paige. What about the Jordon Brooke account? Or Bella"s Boutique? Our office? Our interns? There was no way I could manage all of that with everything I had on my plate at Love, Wendy.
No way at all.
I"d created Waverly"s Honey Shop, but Paige had taken it to a whole new level. Without her, I knew it would crash and burn.
Is this because of Gary? She doesn"t want to work with me anymore because I disapprove?
I called her back but got her voice mail.
"Hi, Paige, um, it"s Waverly. I just got your message and don"t know what to say. I"m swamped preparing for my New Year"s Eve show but want to talk to you. Can you please call me when you can? Or maybe we can just meet at the office on New Year"s Day like we"d planned? I"ll be there at eleven o"clock, um, like we planned. I hope you"ll be there too. I...I really don"t want you to quit."
I hung up and winced. I knew I didn"t sound professional. The real question was did I sound pathetic? I certainly felt like it.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Was it possible that within the span of a week both my boyfriend and my business partner were planning to leave me? Less than a week ago, I had the christening of my new office and a trip to meet Jake"s entire family ahead of me. Could I really be losing them both because of my beliefs about what makes a relationship work? Was I really that wrong about everything?
I didn"t know how my communication with both Jake and Paige had gotten so off track, but at that moment I had so much work to do for Honey on Your Mind that I could barely stop to eat, much less contemplate two major life changes at once. I didn"t even have time to call Andie or McKenna. I didn"t have time to do anything other than prepare for the show. If I screwed that up too, I couldn"t even begin to think what that would mean for the future of Honey on Your Mind.
The future.
Ironic to think about, given what I had planned for New Year"s Eve.
"You ready for the big show, princess?"
"Scotty, I can"t believe you"re technically my boss yet you still call me princess."
"Would you prefer I call you kitten?"
I laughed and looked at Tad. "Isn"t that violating some sort of s.e.xual hara.s.sment policy?"
Tad nodded. "You should hear what he calls me."
Scotty laughed too. "Well, technically, we"re not on the clock right now, so technically I"m not violating any corporate policies, sweetheart."
It was the night before New Year"s Eve. Scotty, Tad, and I were having dinner at Esca, a fancy Italian restaurant a few blocks from NBC. Scotty had seen how rattled I"d been all week, and he was determined to calm me down before I completely came apart at the seams. Until then, he"d a.s.sumed it was just the show that had me so stressed. While I was determined not to mention the Paige thing, I hadn"t decided whether to bring up Jake.
I chose to take an indirect route.
I took a sip of water and smiled at Tad. "So, after you first met Scotty at that wedding and started dating, did you ever think he"d end up moving to New York to be with you?"
Tad laughed. "Are you joking? Never in a million years."
"Hey now, you know you wanted me to," Scotty said.
I shooed Scotty away. "I didn"t mean that he wouldn"t want you to, silly. I meant that moving to New York was a big deal for you."
Tad shook his head. "At first, I definitely didn"t think he"d do it."
Scotty shook his head. "At first, I definitely didn"t want to do it."
"But New York is so amazing, Scotty. Why wouldn"t you want to live here?"