THE BIGGEST FISH.
When, in the halcyon days of old, I was a little tyke, I used to fish in pickerel ponds for minnows and the like; And, oh, the bitter sadness with which my soul was fraught When I rambled home at nightfall with the puny string I"d caught!
And, oh, the indignation and the valor I"d display When I claimed that all the biggest fish I"d caught had got away!
Sometimes it was the rusty hooks, sometimes the fragile lines, And many times the treacherous reeds were actually to blame.
I kept right on at losing all the monsters just the same-- I never lost a _little_ fish--yes, I am free to say It always was the _biggest_ fish I caught that got away.
And so it was, when, later on, I felt ambition pa.s.s From callow minnow joys to n.o.bler greed for pike and ba.s.s; I found it quite convenient, when the beauties wouldn"t bite And I returned all bootless from the watery chase at night, To feign a cheery aspect and recount in accents gay How the biggest fish that I had caught had somehow got away.
And, really, fish look bigger than they are before they"re caught-- When the pole is bent into a bow and the slender line is taut, When a fellow feels his heart rise up like a doughnut in his throat And he lunges in a frenzy up and down the leaky boat!
Oh, you who"ve been a-fishing will indorse me when I say That it always _is_ the biggest fish you catch that gets away!
"Tis even so in other things--yes, in our greedy eyes The biggest boon is some elusive, never-captured prize; We angle for the honors and the sweets of human life-- Like fishermen we brave the seas that roll in endless strife; And then at last, when all is done and we are spent and gray, We own the biggest fish we"ve caught are those that get away.
I would not have it otherwise; "tis better there should be Much bigger fish than I have caught a-swimming in the sea; For now some worthier one than I may angle for that game-- May by his arts entice, entrap, and comprehend the same; Which, having done, perchance he"ll bless the man who"s proud to say That the biggest fish he ever caught were those that got away.
BONNIE JIM CAMPBELL: A LEGISLATIVE MEMORY.
Bonnie Jim Campbell rode up the glen, But it wasn"t to meet the b.u.t.terine men; It wasn"t Phil Armour he wanted to see, Nor Haines nor Crafts--though their friend was he.
Jim Campbell was guileless as man could be-- No fraud in his heart had he; "Twas all on account of his character"s sake That he sought that distant Wisconsin lake.
Bonnie Jim Campbell came riding home, And now he sits in the rural gloam; A tear steals furtively down his nose As salt as the river that yonder flows; To the setting sun and the rising moon He plaintively warbles the good old tune:
"Of all the drinks that ever were made-- From sherbet to circus lemonade-- Not one"s so healthy and sweet, I vow, As the rich, thick cream of the Elgin cow!
Oh, that she were here to enliven the scene, Right merry would be our hearts, I ween; Then, then again, Bob Wilbanks and I Would take it by turns and milk her dry!
We would stuff her paunch with the best of hay And milk her a hundred times a day!"
"Tis thus that Bonnie Jim Campbell sings-- A young he-angel with sprouting wings; He sings and he prays that Fate"ll allow Him one more whack at the Elgin cow!
LYMAN, FREDERICK AND JIM.
Lyman and Frederick and Jim, one day, Set out in a great big ship-- Steamed to the ocean down to the bay Out of a New York slip.
"Where are you going and what is your game?"
The people asked to those three.
"Darned, if we know; but all the same Happy as larks are we; And happier still we"re going to be!"
Said Lyman And Frederick And Jim.
The people laughed "Aha, oho!
Oho, aha!" laughed they; And while those three went sailing so Some pirates steered that way.
The pirates they were laughing, too-- The prospect made them glad; But by the time the job was through Each of them pirates bold and bad, Had been done out of all he had By Lyman And Frederick And Jim.
Days and weeks and months they sped, Painting that foreign clime A beautiful, bright vermillion red-- And having a -- of a time!
"Twas all so gaudy a lark, it seemed, As if it could not be, And some folks thought it a dream they dreamed Of sailing that foreign sea, But I"ll identify you these three-- Lyman And Frederick And Jim.
Lyman and Frederick are bankers and sich And Jim is an editor kind; The first two named are awfully rich And Jim ain"t far behind!
So keep your eyes open and mind your tricks, Or you are like to be In quite as much of a Tartar fix As the pirates that sailed the sea And monkeyed with the pardners three, Lyman And Frederick And Jim.
A WAIL.
My name is Col. Johncey New, And by a hoosier"s grace I have congenial work to do At 12 St. Helen"s place.
I was as happy as a clam A-floating with the tide, Till one day came a cablegram To me from t"other side.
It was a Macedonian cry From Benjy o"er the sea; "Come hither, Johncey, instantly, And whoop things up for me!"
I could not turn a callous ear Unto that piteous cry; I packed my grip, and for the pier Directly started I.
Alas! things are not half so fair As four short years ago-- The clouds are gathering everywhere And boisterous breezes blow; My wilted whiskers indicate The depth of my disgrace-- Would I were back, enthroned in state, At 12 St. Helen"s place!
The saddest words, as I"ll allow, That drop from tongue or pen, Are these sad words I utter now: "They can"t, shan"t, won"t have Ben!"
So, with my whiskers in my hands, My journey I"ll retrace, To wreak revenge on foreign lands At 12 St. Helen"s place.
CLENDENIN"S LAMENT.
While bridal knots are being tied And bridal meats are being basted, I shiver in the cold outside And pine for joys I"ve never tasted.
Oh, what"s a nomination worth, When you have labored months to get it If, all at once, with heartless mirth, The cruel senator"s upset it?
Fate weaves me such a toilsome way, My modest wisdom may not ken it-- But, all the same, a plague I say Upon that stingy, hostile senate!
ON THE WEDDING OF G. C.
(June 2, 1886.)
Oh, hand me down my spike tail coat And reef my waistband in, And tie this necktie round my throat And fix my bosom pin; I feel so weak and fl.u.s.tered like, I don"t know what I say-- For I am to be wedded to-day, Dan"l, I"m to be wedded to-day!