"I"m not playing games, and all I"m looking for is for you to admit that our relationship"s more than just s.e.x."
She sighed. "Exactly. Look, Bill, maybe we"re not speaking the same language. There"s nothing wrong with being involved simply because the chemistry"s right. It"ll stop being right sometime, but that"s to be expected."
"Of course it"s not wrong! But we"ve got way more than that going for us!" He couldn"t stand talking to her back any longer, so he put his hands on her arms and turned her to face him. "Come on, Nik. We"ve got to sit down and talk about this."
She pressed her lips together and he was sure she was going to be stubborn, but instead she said, "I have to turn off the soup." She gave it another stir before putting the cover on the pot and leading the way to the living room. She sank into her chair and worked her neck muscles like they were bothering her.
"Okay. You say we"ve got more than s.e.x or chemistry or whatever. What more do we have?"
"We"re friends!"
She paused, mid-stretch. "Friends? Friendly, sure, but that"s not the same thing." After a couple of seconds, she asked, "Are you really not used to -" She waved a hand vaguely. "Well, I don"t know - liking the woman you"re with or whatever?"
"No, I like them." At the time. He"d run into enough old flames to know that their charm died along with everything else. "But when they tell me about their problems, they don"t really matter to me, and your problems do. I worry about you and want to help you, and it drives me crazy when you do stuff like Thursday night. You treated me like a stranger who didn"t have any right to care about making things easier for you."
That was what had bothered him so much, he suddenly realized. Not that she was mad, or that she locked him out, but that she seemed to think it was okay to pretend to him that she was more capable than she truly was.
"I overreacted on Thursday. I told you that already." He nodded. "Yeah, but ever since then, there"s been this barrier between us that didn"t used to be there.
You didn"t mind me helping Neal with the yard last Sat.u.r.day. Or me cooking dinner that night."
"You cooked dinner on Friday, too, and that was fine," she objected.
"It was right on the hairy edge," he corrected. "If I hadn"t made a salad, like you said you were going to have, you wouldn"t have eaten it. And if I"d asked first, you would have refused."
She thought about that for a minute, then sighed. "I guess. But it"s not just you. I"m like that with Neal, too. It"s the fibro - I can"t accept needing help all the time."
Okay! Now they were getting somewhere! "I understand you feeling that way. But when I do something for you, it"s not because I think you can"t do it. It"s because I want to help, and whatever it is seems like a good way."
Her lips curved into an almost-smile. "Really?"
"Really," he a.s.sured her. "And maybe I"m wrong, but I think that when I take care of something you"d otherwise have to do, then maybe you"ll have a little more energy left for other things."
A laugh bubbled out. "Gosh, I wonder what other things."
He laughed, too, then shook his head. "Not just making love, although that"s certainly high on the list. But other things, too - really, anything you"d think was fun. You"re so focused on survival that you don"t have much chance for fun."
She sobered. "That"s true. And I have to admit that"s been one of the best parts of being with you. I feel almost like a normal person when you"re around."
His stomach clenched. "You"re an incredibly special person to me, Nik, and your specialness has absolutely nothing to do with you having fibro." He wanted to go on and on, to make her understand how he felt about her. Except how did he feel? Was he really ready to abandon a lifetime"s caution and say things he couldn"t be sure would still be true next month?
He didn"t have a chance to answer that question. Nik"s face became even more serious and she said, "Maybe that"s how you feel now, but you haven"t seen me when I"m having a flare. I won"t seem so special to you then."
The truth was the only answer. "I don"t know what will happen, Nikolia. Your disease won"t change how I feel about you, but that doesn"t mean I"ll always feel the way I do right now." He wished he could say more, that there was a promise he could make that he"d know he could keep.
She shook her head. "Of course you won"t. That"s been implicit all along, and I honestly don"t mind. With my health, I can"t do the things I"d always planned to do with my life. I can"t have children. I can"t even have a real relationship."
"Why not?" He remembered now that Neal had warned him about this. She thought her health wouldn"t stand for it.
She scrunched her forehead and scowled like he hadn"t been listening. "Because of my fibro, of course.
Relationships involve a lot of give-and-take, and both parties have to be responsible for making things work. I could do that sometimes, but sometimes isn"t enough." She sighed. "Like when I overdid a couple of weeks ago. I could just tell you to go away and let me sleep, and you did. But if we were really involved, there might be issues we had to deal with, and we couldn"t just wait until I was feeling better." Issues? He didn"t like the sound of that word, but he wouldn"t let it throw him. "Sure, we could! Your health is more important than whatever else was going on."
She shook her head. "If I didn"t feel good maybe one night every couple of months, I"d buy that. But that"s not reality. There are lots of nights - and days - where all I can manage is the bare minimum of what I absolutely need to do. I come home from work, and zapping a mug of soup and then eating it feels like as much work as climbing Mt Everest. Sometimes, I spend half the night stretched out on the sofa, and only drag myself to bed around midnight."
"But I could help you! I could make dinner, and I could carry you into bed, if you needed me to."
"How many evenings would you - or any guy - want to spend like that? Not many, I"ll tell you. I"ve talked to a number of people who have fibro. The only ones who have relationships are ones where the relationship was solid before the fibro surfaced, and some that seemed solid didn"t last, either."
Neal was right. Her mind was made up on the subject. Besides, she was scaring him about what a relationship entailed. "I see your point. But isn"t there something in between where we are now and a full-blown relationship?"
"What"s wrong with where we are now?"
His cheek muscles were tense, but he managed to smile. "Well, for one thing, you think I"m here to pick up my stuff."
She smiled a little sheepishly. "Okay. So maybe I was wrong about that. But still, it"s Sunday."
"You got to sleep lots last night." He hadn"t slept well, but maybe she had. "And it looks like your neck"s bothering you. I"m great at neck rubs."
"That"s okay," she said. "My muscles are all weird. I even went to a ma.s.seuse one time, and she couldn"t help me."
"I bet I can. You just have to tell me what feels good or not." She didn"t seem as completely negative about the idea as she might, so he added, "Let"s give it a try, anyway. I"ll be careful, and if it doesn"t help, I"ll stop."
"There are places I can"t let you touch," she warned him.
Like he hadn"t found that out already! "I know." He stood and offered her his hand. "How about trying it now?"
She bit her lip, but finally nodded.
Nik had expected this to be like the time she"d gone to a ma.s.seuse. She"d heard positive things about how ma.s.sage could help with fibro, and she"d finally gotten over her nervousness enough to make the appointment.
But how it hurt to have those strong hands digging into her already-sore muscles! And when she told the woman that, the ma.s.seuse said she"d do it more gently, but either she hadn"t or the damage was already done. She hadn"t been able to last for half the session, and she was extra sore for the next few days.
Bill"s technique was nothing like that woman"s. He used a light touch, and only gradually went deeper. Hedidn"t entirely miss her tender points - it was close to impossible to avoid all of them - but as soon as she caught her breath in pain, he moved on to another area.
She couldn"t really tell if he was doing her stiff neck any good, but at least it felt good now. She felt pretty good all over, in fact. And they were in the bedroom - maybe this would be a good time to make up for what they"d missed out on last night.
"Nikolia," his silky voice came from inches away. "Would you like me to ma.s.sage the rest of your back and your legs?" He put his hand on the middle of her back, and she immediately sensed the difference in the tension level of those muscles compared to the ones he"d been working on. "Or should I go away and let you rest?"
What about making love? "Isn"t there another choice?"
Bill grinned. "Another choice, Nikolia? Whatever would that be?" He leaned over and planted a kiss just behind her earlobe. "Maybe something like that?"
She squirmed around, turning over, then pulled him down to her level. "More like this," she said, giving him a serious kiss.
"That"s good," he said, "but it causes things like this to happen." He rolled onto his back and pulled her on top of him for more kissing.
"Very good. But we"re wearing way too many clothes."
"We can deal with that." He laughed and shifted out from under her. "In fact, I"ll race you."
But then, he didn"t bother to get up, because he was caught watching Nik"s strip-tease. It didn"t matter.
He"d won, already.
She might claim this wasn"t a relationship, but he knew better.
CHAPTER ELEVEN.
By Friday at five, Bill was eager for the weekend. He always was, but never more so than this week.
Things were different now with Nik, and he"d missed her more than he had other weeks. Calling her a couple of evenings had helped ease the worst of his edginess, but it hadn"t been nearly enough. And all the couple of meetings they"d been in together had done was make him want to be alone with her more.
The meetings had been about their pre-beta test blitz. This was the first time they were going all out on testing like this. Usually, they just had the QA team go through their regression test suites, and then Scott sat down for an hour or two with each new feature, trying to break it. He usually succeeded, too.
But A-W was getting bigger and more well-known all the time, and this release had tons of new features.
Quality and usability were high priority to many of their customers, even in a release like this one not intended for production use. Nik had been the one to suggest this testing blitz. She"d said that if one person could find a significant number of bugs, then a whole team of people could probably find even more. She"d a.s.signed several of her customer support engineers to the blitz, and all the developers and QA engineers were pitching in.
They"d started yesterday morning, and he"d a.s.signed Carolyn to keep track of who was testing what, and what problems had been uncovered. Carolyn was the only female development engineer, and shereported to him. She"d gotten under his skin her first day by acting like lunch with him would be worse than going out with pond sc.u.m. They had a lot of history since then, every bit of it adversarial. If he didn"t know better, he"d suspect that she was seriously involved with Scott just to make his striking out with her tweak even more.
Normally, he stayed away from her. They communicated via email, and occasionally in a meeting, he"d ask her opinion about something - just so no one else on the team would notice anything weird. But this was their first release with him as project lead, so he stopped by her office on the way out.
"How"s the testing going?"
She jerked her head up. "I"m not done with my report. It"ll be on your desk by the time I leave."
That wasn"t the question he"d asked, but she"d succeeded in making him feel somewhat defensive, anyway. "I"m not in a rush for the report. I just wondered how it was looking overall."
"Take a look for yourself." She shoved a pile of papers in his direction.
He picked them up and flipped through them - what a bunch of chicken-scratching some of them were!
They were the notes people had made while testing. "You can actually read this junk?"
She shrugged. "Mostly. The one on top that looks like a ransom note is Phillip"s, and Rollie"s is pretty bad, too, but the rest aren"t too tough."
"So, has anyone found anything major, as far as you can tell?" He hated having to ask again, but he had to, if he wanted an answer.
She shook her head. "It"s little stuff, from what I"ve seen so far, and not concentrated in any one area of code."
"That"s great," he said, trying not to show how relieved he felt. He knew he was doing a good job as project lead, but he still needed to prove himself to Seth, who had been leery about promoting him.
"Caro, Daddy says you gotta do my makeup!" Rachel rocketed past Bill into the room, her shoulder-length white-blonde hair flowing behind her. She noticed him suddenly and twirled in place.
"Uncle Bill! I"m a princess."
"A very pretty princess, indeed," he answered. She had the same angelic face he and George had been cursed with - he guessed it wasn"t as bad for a girl. She was wearing some sort of long dress made of shiny material - oh, yeah, this was Halloween weekend.
Carolyn was momentarily nonplussed, and kept glancing into the hall. Scott appeared in the doorway finally and she asked, "Is it time for that already? I"m not done here."
He nodded. "Afraid so, if Annabelle"s going to have time to take Rachel around to the neighbors before the party." Glancing at Bill then back at her, he asked, "Is this something you can finish over the weekend?"
Bill knew a cue when he heard one. "No problem - it can wait until Monday, as far as I"m concerned. I"m outta here."
He left Carolyn"s office, but he lingered a few steps down the hall for a couple of minutes. He couldn"t help being curious how the distinctly nonmaternal-seeming Carolyn coped with being his niece"s subst.i.tute mother. Surprisingly well, it appeared. Rachel was now perched on Carolyn"s desk, having her facemade up, and they were both laughing and talking at the same time.
Just before he headed for the side exit, he caught Scott watching him with an unwavering protective eye.
The guy couldn"t think he"d cause problems for Rachel! He raised his hand, palm out, offering peace, and backed out of view.
So maybe Carolyn wasn"t the gold-plated b.i.t.c.h he"d been d.a.m.ning her for all this time.
Nik hadn"t known how much to look forward to the weekend, figuring they were in for more relationship talk. When Bill mentioned Rachel half a dozen times during the course of dinner, the two subjects suddenly clicked in her mind. No wonder he wanted a relationship - he wanted kids of his own!
She had to put a stop to this now, before she remembered how much she"d wanted a family. "You know, Bill, I"m sure you"ll be a good father. The thing is, you"re wasting your time with me, if that"s what you"re looking for. Having fibro, I can"t be sure I"ll be able to take care of myself long-term, much less children."
He stared at her, a piece of roll halfway to his mouth, forgotten. "I don"t want kids! Whatever gave you that idea?"
She smiled to let him know she didn"t mind. "You"ve been talking about Rachel a lot tonight."
"Because I just saw her!"
"You see her quite often, don"t you?" She"d been surprised when she first heard that at work. He hadn"t seemed like the type to bother with a child, even though she was his niece.
He half-nodded, then shook his head. "Not anymore. Scott - well, he and I don"t really get along."
"Won"t he let you see her?" That didn"t sound like Scott, but then again, she knew the two didn"t like each other.
Bill shoved his chair back a couple of inches and dropped the roll onto his plate. "That"s not really it. Are you done eating? I"ll take care of the dishes."
Her appet.i.te was gone for good, so she said, "I"m done, but I don"t mind doing the dishes." She got up and worked with him to clean up the kitchen.
There was something strange about his reaction to the question about Scott letting him see Rachel, but she decided not to pursue it. He was ent.i.tled to his privacy, just as she was ent.i.tled to hers. But his answer about not wanting kids wasn"t the same thing. It was relevant, and she wasn"t going to take his off-hand answer as the absolute truth.
"It"s completely natural to want kids, you know," she said. "They make it sound sometimes like it"s just women who want them, but I don"t buy that. You should have seen my brother Nathan when he announced Julie was expecting the first time!"