"Night, Ma." He hung up and let out the sigh that had been building during their whole conversation. He used to think it was her drinking that drove him wild - but she wasn"t drinking now, and it still happened.
It must just be her. "Does your mom want you to do something this weekend?" Nik"s voice came from the next room, her office/gym. He"d left her sleeping earlier.
He hurried in there, only to be shocked again by the sight of her wearing her leotard and stretching on her exercise platform. "Should you be doing that?"
She managed a small smile as she made wide circles with both arms. "I have to do it. I come out of down cycles faster and better if I start working back into my exercise program as soon as I possibly can."
"You"re finally feeling some better, then." She should be! It was nearly three weeks since the down cycle started.
"Definitely. And don"t worry about my exercising. I know to take it very easy for the next week or so.
So, what was that with your mom?"
He sighed. "Oh, she wants me to take her up to Spokane on Sat.u.r.day, but I don"t really have to. I told her I didn"t think I should leave you that long."
"How long?"
"Well, I"d have to go out there Friday after work, and probably get back late Sat.u.r.day. There"s a lady Mom knows who"d take her, so I figured that would be the way to go."
"Why don"t you want to go? Because of me, or because of her?"
"Because of you." He decided to level with her. He hadn"t bothered her with any of this before because she"d been so sick. "See, Ma"s admitted she"s an alcoholic, and she"s going to this place up near Spokane for some treatment. They"d kind of like me to take her, since I"m her only family, but we can do all the interviews and such over the phone."
Nik stopped exercising abruptly, sat up, and squeezed his hand. "You must be relieved. I know you"ve worried about her." Had he been? He guessed he had, but he"d been too embarra.s.sed by her to think about it like that. "And of course, you should take her up there. She must be scared, and it"s important for you to be there for her at a time like this. I"ll be fine alone."
Was Ma scared? Was that why she"d been so insistent tonight? "Are you sure? You"re still a long way from your normal self."
She smiled and squeezed his hand again. "Of course I"m sure. You"re spoiling me rotten, and I"ve been enjoying it, but you need to take care of your mom now."
"I guess you"re right. It"s just -"
She raised her hand to stop him. "I know. But you need to realize this happens all the time to me. I"m getting better every day now, and as nice as it is to have you here cooking for me and giving me ma.s.sages every night, I can get along without you for one night."
It was only one night, he realized, and he certainly wanted to do everything he could to help Ma succeed.
"Okay, I"ll go, but I"ll get back as early as I can on Sat.u.r.day."
Nik stretched her arm as far as it would go - and success! She finally managed to grab that last washcloth from where it had wedged in the bottom of the washing machine. She threw it into the dryerand started the load.
How long had it been since she"d done her own laundry? Most of a month, certainly, and to be honest, she hadn"t done laundry a whole lot of times since October. Bill was awfully handy to have around, as well as enjoyable for more than one reason.
But she wasn"t letting herself miss him. It was nice to be alone in the house for a change. For one thing, she didn"t have to worry tonight about what time she ate dinner. She could take her exercise session slow and cautious, stopping frequently when she got tired, and then rest for a little while before fixing dinner.
Maybe her dinner wasn"t as attractive and tasty as the meals Bill made, but it was nutritious and didn"t take much time or energy to prepare.
And because he was gone, she spent an hour or so reading a book after dinner. She hadn"t done that since before Christmas, and it felt great. Maybe she"d read more tomorrow.
Her bed felt empty without him, but again, that was a matter of habit. Once he moved back to his place, she"d get the hang of spreading out across the whole bed like she"d done before.
He would be moving back to his place, she reminded herself, and probably pretty soon. He was here because of her down cycle, and she was close enough to normal that she ought to tell him she was ready to go back to their old arrangement.
But she wasn"t, really. It was so nice to have him here.
That didn"t matter. That was her weakness talking. Of all the guys in the universe, Bill was one of the least likely permanent caretakers. He was in love with her now, and if she wanted him to keep loving her for as long as possible, she needed to stand on her own two feet.
She wanted his love to last forever. That wasn"t in the cards, but she"d settle for however long she could have.
That meant she needed to get back to being his lover instead of his patient.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN.
The timer went off and Nik opened her eyes, momentarily a bit disoriented. That happened sometimes when she meditated - she thought it was when she"d been particularly successful at clearing her mind of everyday concerns.
She sat up slowly. Oh, yes. Her neck and shoulder muscles felt much better now. This had definitely been worth the half hour she squeezed in after her shower and before getting dressed for dinner. Good thing she"d already planned what to wear - she pa.s.sed Bill in the hall on the way to the bedroom, and he was ready to go. "I"ll be in the living room, Nikolia," he said and squeezed her hand.
Bill had made reservations for dinner tonight in honor of Valentine"s Day, which wasn"t until Monday. He wouldn"t say where they were going, only that it was someplace special and that they were going on Friday instead of Monday because it would take the whole evening.
She"d hurried home from work right on time. Her down cycle was finally over, and she wanted to be as rested, mentally and physically, as possible. The dress she chose was one that made her feel more feminine than usual - and of course, she wore the necklace Bill had given her for Christmas.
Once she was dressed, she poked her head into the living room and said, "I"m ready." He smiled and said, "Come join me for a minute." Once she did, he reached into his coat pocket and she had the momentary crazy idea that he was pulling out an engagement ring. But the box was too large for a ring, and she swallowed her stomach back into place. "I got you a present. I think it"ll go with your necklace."
She took the rectangular box and opened it. And gasped. It was a gold bangle-style bracelet, decorated with a number of small diamonds. "Bill, this is too much!"
"You don"t like it?" he asked, but not like he really thought that.
"Of course I like it - it"s beautiful! But you shouldn"t have spent so much."
"Why not? I love you and I want to give you beautiful things."
There was no answer to that, so she slipped the bangle over her wrist, instead. It looked like it belonged there - of course. Bill had wonderful taste in jewelry. "Thank you," she said past the lump in her throat.
He smiled and gathered her close for a quick hug. "I"m glad you like it."
On the drive across town, she said, "I"m sorry I didn"t get you a present. The only thing I saw for men in the ads were those silk boxer shorts with lips or hearts all over them, and they were just too silly. Plus you don"t even wear boxers."
He said, "I"d have worn them, if you gave them to me." Before she was consumed by guilt, he added, "I"m glad you didn"t, though."
The restaurant was one she"d heard of a thousand times, a place where dinner was an event that took several hours. It was located in a stately old house, and what used to be the living room now contained a handful of small tables. All the tables Nik could see were full, but the lighting was low and the music just loud enough that it felt like they were alone. The menu was limited, with only a few selections for each course, but the waiter described each choice so completely that ordering took close to ten minutes. The food, when it came, did justice to the setting and the presentation.
Strangely, though, she felt almost isolated from Bill. He sat within an arm"s length of her, and they talked frequently during the long meal. It was the conversation of near-strangers, though - comments about the food, about the decor, about the waiter. Nothing personal, not even any suggestive remarks.
Every time she moved her arm, she felt the bangle shift position, and a little thrill ran through her body. It was silly, she knew, but wearing the jewelry he"d given her made her feel different than her normal self.
Prettier. More feminine. Much more desirable. Bill must think she was those things, or he wouldn"t give her expensive jewelry. So why did he seem so distant now?
Eventually, toward the end of the meal, she realized that he must be nervous. But what would make a man like Bill nervous? Certainly not being in a romantic setting with his lover.
Her normal suspicious mind would answer that question with the concern that he was becoming tired of her. She"d expected it to happen long before this. He was used to variety, and to a much more active social life than she was able to lead - or than she wanted to lead.
But she didn"t think that was the answer. He"d seemed perfectly natural earlier, and she seriously doubted that he would have spent so much money on a Valentine"s present for a woman he no longer wanted to be with.
There had to be another explanation. But what? Her answer came almost before she formed the question. In the pause before dessert was served, he reached across the table for her hand and blurted, "I want us to live together."
Bill had thought the matter through, pros and cons, for the last couple of weeks. He was sure living together would be great for both of them. Too bad he hadn"t spent even a couple of minutes putting his thoughts into words - he"d simply a.s.sumed the words would come, like they always had when he wanted to talk a woman into bed.
Because he hadn"t, Nik was staring at him like he"d gone crazy. "I don"t think you realize how tough living together is."
"We"re doing it now."
"But that"s only temporary, until -" She broke off, looking confused, then continued, "Well, it was only supposed to be while I was sick."
"Have you been wishing I"d go back to my place?" He hoped he knew the answer to that.
Her pause seemed way longer than necessary. "Not really. But I a.s.sumed it would happen fairly soon, so -".
She was making excuses, so he interrupted, "Let"s not worry about that. Tell me what your concerns are, instead. Okay?"
"Okay." She blinked a couple of times before saying, "It makes splitting up a lot harder, for one thing."
He nodded. "That"s fine. I"m not planning on us splitting up. Are you?"
She blinked in surprise. "No, but it"ll happen."
"Not necessarily. I love you, Nik, and you say you love me. Why can"t it last?"
He couldn"t pick out what changed about her expression, but something guarded crept into her face. "It could, I guess."
She was leery, and he should have expected it. He should have approached the idea differently, not head-on like this. And if he wanted to convince her, that"s how he"d have to go about it.
He gave her a smile that felt shaky. "I don"t expect you to agree right away. Let"s talk about it a little over the weekend and see how you feel then. Okay?"
She looked surprised, but relieved. "Okay."
Now all he had to do was find the right arguments and the exact right moment to mention them.
Nik kept waiting for the other shoe to drop the rest of the evening. But Bill never mentioned the subject again, not even after they were back at her place. He didn"t seem annoyed or distracted, either, and they were as much in tune with each other"s rhythms as ever. It was almost like she"d imagined the whole discussion.
She knew she hadn"t, though. Bill wanted them to live together, and sooner or later they"d have to discussthe issue. It would have made it much simpler if she was sure it would never work.
Finally, after they"d made love the next morning, she said, "I"m sorry if I seemed awfully negative last night. It"s just that I"ve lived with a couple of guys, and it didn"t turn out particularly well."
He shifted position slightly so he was looking at her face-to-face. "That"s okay. I didn"t mean to spring it on you like that, anyway. But I would like to talk about it, because I really hate the idea of moving back to my place."
"I would have thought you"d be relieved to get back to your apartment, after all the time you spent taking care of me."
"No way - I mean, my apartment"s fine. The problem"s that you"re not there."
Well, there was an issue, something concrete, to discuss. "a.s.suming, just for a second, that we went ahead with this, where would we live? Here or your place?"
He shrugged. "It wouldn"t matter."
"Have you thought about it?" If he hadn"t, she couldn"t see how he could be very serious about the whole idea.
"Well, yeah," he admitted. "My place doesn"t make any sense, "cause it"s just rented, plus it"s not big enough for two people. Here would work - or I was thinking we could even buy something together. I looked some at the ads last Sunday, and it looks like there"d be a lot to choose from, even right around here."
So he"d been thinking about this as long ago as last weekend. That gave her a funny unsettled feeling in her stomach. "Buying real estate with someone is a pretty big step," she said, trying for neutrality - and very definitely to not let him know how thrilled part of her was that he was ready to consider that type of commitment. "It might be smarter to wait on that for a while."
"You"re right," he said quickly. "And your place is fine. I thought maybe I could put some of my furniture in the extra bedroom. Unless you want to keep that as a bedroom?"
She shook her head. "The only person who"s ever stayed there is Neal, and that was when I was sick the first time." She realized suddenly that it sounded like she"d already agreed, and that wasn"t the case. "But let"s not get ahead of ourselves. I know I sound like a broken record, but living together"s a big commitment, and I"m afraid you"d start feeling trapped before long."
"Why would I feel trapped?" he asked, gently brushing a strand of hair off her face.
"Because you would," she insisted. "Because living with someone full-time means that you can"t just go home if we get on each other"s nerves. Because I"m never going to be healthy enough to go out as often as you"d like us to."
He smiled. "I used to go out all the time because I didn"t like being alone and was afraid of letting anyone get close to me. That"s not an issue anymore - and getting on each other"s nerves never has been, as far as I"m concerned."
"Didn"t it drive you crazy when you needed to be quiet all the time so I could sleep?" She"d hated admitting to him that even the sound of the TV turned down low in the living room was enough to keep her awake. "It drove me crazy, all right - with worry. Nik, when you"re in pain like that, all I want to do is make it go away, and when I can"t, nothing else matters." He pressed a finger to her lips. "And before you ask, no, it wouldn"t have helped if I"d been back at my apartment. It would have been worse, because I"d have been worried about how you were and not dared to call, in case I woke you."
"But that"s now. You"ll get used to my flares and down cycles eventually, and they won"t seem as important."
His forehead creased and he said, "That"s another way of saying what we have now will change, and that I won"t want to be with you as much or at all. And you might be right - I"ve never been in love before, so I don"t know. But my whole life, I"ve seen people move in together and even get married, and I never understood why they"d do it. All I could compare it to was the horror of my parents" marriage, and I knew that was something I had to avoid. But I understand now. Loving someone is a lot more than making love with them, and the way I feel now, I won"t ever stop loving you."
She didn"t know how to respond. He hadn"t said anything to change her mind, but what good would persuasive words be in the long run, anyway? He sighed. "I"m not convincing you. Is it just an issue of trusting me, or is there something more?"
"It"s not that I don"t trust you," she admitted. "I know you"re being honest. And I know that the future is impossible to predict, so it makes no sense to promise we"ll love each other forever."
"Are you still concerned about me cheating on you?"
She shook her head. "No. You"re different now. If you did, it would be because you wanted out of our relationship."
He frowned and looked surprised at that, but didn"t challenge her. "Do you simply not feel the same way I do? Would you rather have us spend most of the week apart?"
She sighed. She wouldn"t lie. "No. I missed you like crazy when you took your mom to the rehab place last month." She had to try to explain. "Part of it"s fear, I admit. I"ve been through this living-together thing a couple of times before, and I always swore I wouldn"t do it again."
"You didn"t intend to get involved again, either," he reminded her gently.