She didn"t need to hear the lie that had to be coming. "It"s not. It"s me." She suddenly felt horribly tired, like she couldn"t possibly explain her condition to one more person ever. "Have you heard of fibromyalgia?" His forehead wrinkled and he watched her warily. "Not that I remember. What is it?"
She sighed. So much for simplicity. "It"s a chronic disease, and I have it. It"s kind of like arthritis, only it affects muscles instead of joints."
"Old people get arthritis, not somebody your age," he objected.
"It"s not just old people, although I"m not surprised you think that. And fibromyalgia tends to start at a fairly young age."
The wariness seemed to have turned into suspicion. "So, what you"re saying is that you get stiff and sore sometimes? Big deal."
That was the wrong thing for him to say. "It is a big deal, a whole lot more than getting stiff and sore once in a while. The pain"s constant, sleep"s almost impossible, and my whole life consists of trying to survive work, one day at a time. I can"t eat any of the foods I love, I have virtually no social life, and my dream of getting married and having children is gone forever."
He was taken aback by her outburst, but she could see him trying to formulate a response - one she"d undoubtedly heard a hundred times before. Well, she had an excellent idea where he could put that response! She jumped up before he could say a word. "I"m sick of talking with you. You obviously don"t understand the first thing about what I deal with everyday, and that"s fine. Just leave me the heck alone and we"ll both be happy." She started out of the room. Just before heading down the hall to her bedroom, which thankfully had a lock, she added, "If by some strange chance, you actually want to know more about my condition, talk to Neal. He knows everything."
Almost everything, at least. Not even Neal knew what it was like to wake up in the middle of the night and hurt so bad all over that simply surviving for the next several minutes seemed like the worst torture imaginable.
Bill hated being talked down to. Nik acted like his whole life had been perfect, and she was the only one with problems. Not a chance! She could just pick on somebody else if she needed to be all superior over some poor dude.
And what was this fibro-whatever deal? Probably just an excuse to avoid getting involved with him, but why bother with a big act? All she had to do was tell the truth - that she figured she was better than he was, and didn"t want to dirty her precious little self by being with him.
She sure as heck hadn"t cared about that back at school, but people changed. He wasn"t going to put up with that c.r.a.p just because he had a lingering fondness for the girl she"d been back then.
He let himself out the front door, but the sound of clippers drew him toward the side of the house instead of toward his car. Neal was bent over a bush, his back to Bill. "Hey, Neal," he called.
Neal stood and faced him. "Bill! I thought I heard you leave earlier."
He shrugged. "Yeah, but I came back." How exactly was he supposed to go about asking Neal about Nik? "You need any help?"
"Nah, thanks anyway. I"m almost done for today." He glanced around, seeming to feel the need to explain. "I try to get down here once a week and do stuff Nik can"t do herself." He couldn"t ask for a better opening. "What kind of stuff can"t she do?"
Neal waved at the yard. "None of this, really, except about once a year she goes crazy and tries to mow the lawn. She gets maybe this corner of it done and spends the next week in misery." He shook his head.
"Still, she tries it again the next year."
Well, it sounded like Neal really thought she was sick. "What exactly is this fibro-thing she has?"
"It"s awful, man. All her muscles and tendons and stuff ache all the time, and there are a bunch of places where if you just put the tip of your finger on her skin, it kills her. And sometimes, her muscles just stop working - she"ll be walking along and end up on the ground."
"She said something about not being able to eat things she likes."
He nodded. "She has to be really careful about her diet, because some foods make it worse. Plus, she"s trying really hard to keep it under control so she can keep working, and diet and exercise really help with that."
Okay, so this thing was real, but he still bet she was using it as an excuse. "Isn"t this new manager"s job pretty much the last thing she needs?"
"Oh, no," Neal explained earnestly. "Nik"s career is really important to her, and she"s willing to give up most anything else to be able to handle work okay." Suddenly a little doubtful, he asked, "How come she told you only part of the story?"
He wasn"t about to admit the truth, so he shrugged. "I don"t know. She said you knew everything, so I should ask you."
Neal smiled slightly and shook his head indulgently. "I"ll tell you what it is. You were the best thing that ever happened to her, and she"s afraid it"ll happen again. She"s trying to scare you off."
"I think you"re right." Except why be afraid of something that good?
"Is it going to work? Her fibromyalgia"s going to be a serious issue, if you try to have a relationship with her."
He shook his head. "I don"t scare easy."
Neal grinned and clapped his shoulder. "I never thought you did. I really have to warn you, though, she"s got this idea set in her mind that she can"t get involved with anybody, that her health won"t allow it. I don"t buy it."
He grinned back at the younger and much taller man. "I don"t, either."
But what in heck was he getting himself into?
Nik felt like an idiot, locked into her own bedroom to avoid a guy she shouldn"t even have let into her house. She"d heard the front door close a while ago, so Bill had probably left. But maybe that was what he wanted her to think. She could easily imagine him lurking down the hall, just out of sight, waiting for her to decide the coast was clear.
To do what, exactly? He wasn"t going to rape her, she knew that. And as far as a guy like him wasting one of his days off, lying in wait for her - well, the idea was ludicrous. Okay, so apparently he thought she"d be a good candidate to add to his harem of willing women. But the operative word there was willing, and eager would be even better, and he knew by now that she was neither. So, bottom line, that meant he had no reason to pursue her any longer.
That was a relief, it really was. There was something about Bill that made him harder to say no to than virtually anyone else she"d ever known. She"d had guys at DesignTek ask her out since she was diagnosed with fibro - nice guys, guys she enjoyed talking to. It hadn"t been a problem to turn them down, not even Dale who"d tried several times before giving up. All she"d had to do was remind herself how difficult it already was to make it through a work week, and imagine how a simple dinner date would disrupt the precarious balance she usually managed to maintain.
The problem with Bill was that he slipped under her defenses, lightning-fast like a snake. One second she was resolute in staying away from him, and the next, his kiss - or even his smile - made everything else seem unimportant.
Yes, she was getting off lucky.
"Sweet Nikolia," Bill"s voice came softly through the bedroom door. "You"re not going to scare me off, so don"t even try. I"ll be back after dinner tonight."
CHAPTER FOUR.
As he drove to Nik"s, Bill suddenly wondered if she"d be there. He hadn"t thought of that possibility before. Maybe he shouldn"t have given her time to make a getaway.
But really, what was the point? If she was determined to avoid having anything to do with him, that"s what would happen. She had a choice in the matter, and his rational brain insisted that he didn"t want her if she didn"t also want him.
Still, it was almost a surprise when she opened the door less than a minute after he rang the bell. He struggled to sound matter-of-fact as he asked, "So, Nikolia, are you finally willing to admit that you want this?"
"Come sit down. There are some things I need to make clear." Her manner was cool, but not negative as far as he could tell. She sat in the same recliner as before. "You"re talking about us having s.e.x," she said baldly. When he would have answered, she raised her hand and shook her head. "That"s what you mean, and there"s nothing wrong with being honest about it. And to be honest, I"d like that, too."
She was admitting that"s what she wanted? "That"s great!"
She smiled wistfully. "It"s not quite that simple. First of all, I"m not sure it would work, physically. I have a lot of pain in my hips and legs, and I"m not very flexible anymore. It might hurt too much to work, and if it did, you"d have to be willing to give up."
He was tempted to do the meaningless rea.s.surance act, the way he might with a woman who was worrying about some issue that would never arise in a hundred years. But Nik was serious, and her disease was real, even though he didn"t understand it. He owed her sincerity in return. "There are lots of positions we can try. I"m sure we can find one that works."
But could they? And how would it be to make love with someone who had such limits? He was used to reasonably lithe partners, and to changing positions based on what would bring the most pleasure, not what would hurt the least. Would it still bring him the hit of freedom and bliss that he counted on? "But if we couldn"t?" she asked quietly. "Would you accept my word on that? Because I can"t try unless I"m sure of that."
His mouth dried and he nodded soberly. Something a lot like dread crowded into his gut. "I"ll do what you say, Nik. I don"t want to cause you pain."
She nodded, looking as solemn as he felt. "Also, I have trouble sleeping, so you"d have to go home afterwards."
No way! Sleeping with a woman - especially a new woman he wanted as much as he wanted Nik - was an essential part of making love to her. Holding her while she slept, enjoying how she looked when she didn"t know he was watching, arousing her all over again and then satisfying her - he couldn"t give up any of that. "What if I promise to leave if you really need me to?"
She didn"t like that option, but finally agreed. "This might be a mistake, but I guess I have to trust you to some extent."
That was a slap in the face, but he didn"t let himself react to it. After a moment, she said, "It"ll probably just be this once, but just in case -"
"It"ll be more than once." Right now, he couldn"t imagine ever not wanting her, but it would eventually happen. It always did. But with Nik, it wouldn"t be very soon.
She looked at him with wide startled eyes. "Well, if you"re right, you"d have to accept my limits. I can"t lose too much sleep, or - um - expend too much energy. So it would have to be only once in a while."
Another condition he wouldn"t accept. When he needed a woman like he needed Nik, every night was the only frequency his system could tolerate. Carefully, he said, "I think that"s something we"ll have to work out together at the time. Exhausting you or making you sick won"t do me any good, and I"m sure we can find a workable solution."
He wasn"t all that sure, actually, but he wasn"t going to blow his chance with her over some hypothetical issue. She shook her head. "Don"t think you"re fooling me. You think you"ll agree to the easy stuff and let everything else ride, a.s.suming I"ll be too hooked on you to insist on doing things my way later. You"re wrong, for the very simple reason that we"re not talking about my preferences here. We"re talking about my health, and that"s something I don"t play games with. I can"t afford to." She paused, and her eyes drilled into his. "So get it through that thick head of yours right now that you"re not in charge. I am, and unless I feel confident that you"re going to respect my needs and limitations, nothing"s going to happen here."
She was simply being too pushy, and way too insulting. He wouldn"t take it. "You"re right, Nik. Nothing"s going to happen here - because I"ve taken all the insults I intend to. Either you"re going to open your eyes and understand that I wouldn"t cause you pain for the world - or you can just sit there all alone and feel superior about yourself. Your choice." He shut his mouth and waited for her response.
The belligerence disappeared, leaving confusion. "What do you mean?"
Maybe she honestly didn"t understand. "Do you really not know me any better than that? You admitted earlier that you knew I wouldn"t rape you - why would you think I"d ignore your physical limitations?
Making love with someone is about bringing them pleasure - I can"t do that if I"m also causing you pain."
Knowing it wouldn"t mean much to her, but still needing to say it, he added, "Believe me, I don"t confuse pleasure and pain." Her forehead furrowed and regret darkened her eyes. "I didn"t mean it like that. I just -" She worried at her bottom lip for a moment before continuing. "You always seem so positive that what you want is the right thing, and you keep pushing at every limit I try to set."
He felt himself begin to relax. Maybe this would work out, after all. "That"s because you set limits to keep me from getting close to you, and I want to get close to you. I have no problem with limitations based on your health."
She thought that through and finally asked, "And that"s why you said what you did about not staying all night?"
He nodded. "Right. I want to sleep with you almost as much as I want to make love to you. But if it proved to be a problem, I"d leave." Only after he"d exhausted every other possibility he could imagine, but he would go.
Suddenly, waiting even another few minutes seemed impossible. "Nikolia, I know it"s hard for you to trust me, but I won"t disappoint you. I swear I"ll take care of you and do everything within my power to make things right for us. Please, let me make love to you tonight."
Her tongue peeked out between her teeth as she considered his words. Finally she nodded.
Nik"s insides were trembling. She"d actually agreed to go to bed with Bill! She guessed she"d known she would. She"d needed to make the situation clear to Bill, but fighting the attraction between them was just too hard to continue forever.
She didn"t know what happened now, though. Did they simply stand up and go into the bedroom together, like the sensible adults she and Allen had been? Or would Bill almost literally sweep her off her feet, like he used to do?
They"d often walked back to her dorm room together, after meeting for coffee or a shared hot fudge sundae with peppermint ice cream. They"d start out with his arm around her waist and hers around his.
Partway there, he"d pause and give her a brief but leisurely kiss that made her squeeze her eyes shut and feel like the luckiest girl on campus. The next time they stopped, he"d slip his hand under her shirt and cup her breast while they kissed. By the time they got to her hallway, their pauses were lengthy heated intervals that made her knees weak.
Her heart stuttering, she realized that it didn"t take desire to weaken her knees these days. Was she crazy to think this one aspect of her life could be unhindered by fibro?
"Nikolia." Bill"s voice stirred more swirls in the pit of her stomach. He was right here, inches from her, his hands extended in invitation.
She offered her hands to him wordlessly, and he pulled her to her feet. Toe-to-toe, still holding hands, they kissed, a gentle kiss that reminded her of their first kiss, all those years ago.
Bill was dimly aware that he might be in big trouble, but he didn"t care. He was in a zone of bliss with Nik that was way better than anywhere he"d been before.
Making love was serious business to him. It was so much more than the mindless release that most people believed it was, and well worth the attention he devoted to it. And tonight was better than that.Tonight made all the other nights pale by comparison, but he wasn"t questioning why. He was too busy enjoying.
Nik was sleeping now, and he should be, too. Instead, he was watching her sleep, noticing how much younger she looked, and realizing that her now-normal half-frown must be the result of the pain she"d mentioned. That thought threatened to spoil his pleasure, so he pushed it away before it had the chance.
He pulled the sheet down a few inches so he could see her body. He loved women"s bodies, all their curves and hollows and secret places. Even when he was physically satisfied like this, he still couldn"t resist the chance to explore.
As gentle and feather-like as his touch was, he woke her. Her first reaction was to roll toward him, put her arm around him, and snuggle up close. That instantly brought back his desire full force, and he took the opportunity to step up the a.s.sault on her senses. She didn"t seem to mind.
Nik couldn"t see the clock, but from the dim light filtering into the room through the mostly-closed blinds, she figured it was close to morning. Amazing. She"d slept more tonight with Bill here than she did most nights.
She"d probably be awake the rest of the night now, but that wouldn"t be so bad. Her hips and legs weren"t aching with the all-too-common toothache-like pain that made her frantic, and having Bill practically cradling her body was oddly comfortable.
She wouldn"t change positions unless she had to. He was sleeping now, and disturbing him would likely lead to him wanting to make love again. Not that she had anything against the idea in general - she"d thoroughly enjoyed herself each time earlier. But she was afraid she"d pay tomorrow for the semi- acrobatics, and besides, three times in a single night was enough for anyone!
At least, that"s what she kept telling herself.
Geez! What was that sound - that blat of noise with the intensity of a buzz saw drilling into his brain? Bill opened his eyes, expecting to see something foreign in the room, something that could be causing that noise.
All he saw was Nik, calmly turning over inch-by-inch, as though in slow-motion. Eventually, she got onto her other side and reached for her clock. The noise stopped.
"That was your alarm clock?" If so, he was surprised it didn"t wake him when he was a mile away in his own apartment.
"Yeah. It"s kind of loud, I know."
Kind of loud didn"t cover it. "You don"t have a clock radio?"
She seemed to be struggling to sit up, and her answer was somewhat delayed. "With my sleep all messed up like it is with fibro, I need a loud alarm." Now, she started turning so she could sit on the edge of the bed.
Her movements were infinitely cautious, and he realized something was wrong. "Are you okay? Should I help you up or something?" "Oh. No," she said, her words punctuated by pants of exertion. "I"m just stiff in the mornings. I"ll be better in a while." She"d made it to the edge of the bed, and she slumped there, looking like she was working up her nerve to do some impossible task. After a few more seconds, she said, "You don"t have to get up right away, but you"ll need to be ready to leave by ten, when I go to church."
"I"ll just hang out until you get back." He wanted to wrap his arms around her from behind and remind her just exactly why that was such a good idea, but given her obvious stiffness, maybe she wouldn"t appreciate the reminder right now.
"You can"t do that. I have stuff to do today." She didn"t sound sorry about it, nor even like she wanted him to think she was sorry.
He"d give her another chance. "You can do stuff with me around. I"ll even help, if I can."