Podvex next saw the light in K"taen-ka"a"s room. The as- sa.s.sins dumped him on the rugs and paused only long enough to accept the Kha"ak maiden"s generous dp before departing.
Then K"taen-ka"a turned to face the trembling Dangvim.
Her fury made every layer of muscle on her immense body ripple until it made poor Podvex seasick Just to look at her.
"Where is it?" she demanded.
"Where is what?" Podvex cheeped. It was an honest ques- tion, the kind that always makes people get really angry and shout: "You know what!"
Podvex watched the thin strands of saliva vertically band- ing the Kha"ak"s gaping maw and decided he"d be safer mak- ing an educated guess than being honest again and likely ending up dead for his high morals.
"Oh! You mean where is the . . . gift?" K"taen-ka"a"s wicked hiss sounded affirmative, so Podvex dared to add, "It ... it ought to be here. I delivered it myself. You remem- ber. I gave it right into your hands and you asked if it bit and I said I didn"t think so, although when we took it out of its mate"s cage it-"
"It is gone"
"Is it? Oh dear. That"s terrible."
"That is worse than terrible," the n.o.ble Kha"ak maiden snaried.
"You-you liked it so much? Goodness, I"m glad to hear it.
It"s always so difficult picking out gifts for someone else.
200 Esther M. Friesner Sentients have such differing tastes, especially when it comes to pets. That"s why I seldom recommend them as gifts unless you know the recipient really well. I told the Terran that-"
"I did not like it at all!" K"laen-ka"a"s roar made the lightsticks jiggle. "It was a gift, you fool! Did I not tell you that to my tribe, a gift is an insult and an insult that must be returned?"
"Re-retumed? Yesssss, you did say something like-"
"And to be relumed, a gift must be somewhere I can find it to return!" She thrust a sharp-tipped finger at the empty sonocage in the corner. Podvex crept over to examine it and found that the lock control panel-none of the best-had been a.s.saulted from within with a keen, pointed object. For an instant, a vision of the lagbel"s spiky tail flashed across the Dangvim"s mind.
"Please, K"taen-ka"amam," Podvex said, cringing. "Surely you don"t blame me for this?"
"I do not."
"Then why ... why have you brought me here?"
"What? You are surprised?" The Kha"ak herself looked startled. "Doesn"t Splendel"s offer shop-at-home service? I merely wished to place an order for a replacement beast so that the ri"k/iak-umrow could commence."
"I see." Podvex compressed himself into a ball and from that somewhat more secure position said. "I"m afraid that"s impossible."
It was said that the Kha"ak maiden"s reaction disrupted twelve banquets, twenty-two extramarital trysts, five sales conferences, and a bar mitzvah at various points throughout the Hotel Andromeda.
"Thank you for coming with us, Frankmacgregorsir," Pod- vex whispered, his voice echoing eerily in the disused servo corridor.
"Least I could do in the name of galactic peace," the Terran replied.
"Shut up, the two of you, or I rip your heads off," K"taen- ka"a growled. Despite her bulk, she moved with an uncanny measure of grace and silence, the legacy of generations of sentients whose main purpose in life was murder.
"That wouldn"t be a good idea, K"taen-ka"amam," Podvex IT"S A GIFT.
201.
murmured. "I"m the only one who knows the way to your bridegroom"s suite by this route, and once we get there you"ll need Frankmacgregorsir to help you recapture your lagbel while I keep watch."
"I still don"t see why you could not have simply sold me another one," the Kha"ak grumbled.
"I could have done that," Podvex replied. "But if I had, you"d never have been able to do your ri"khak-umrow thing.
Not so you"d be believed."
"Lagbels mate for life," Frank put in. "When yours got away, it had to go straight to its mate, in Mairphot Garoo visTonktonk"s rooms. If you sent a subst.i.tute lagbel back to him, he"d have the evidence right there in front of him that it wasn"t his gift."
"Very well, very well, lead on." The Kha"ak stopped talk- ing altogether, except to subvocalize a nonstop series of curses in her own tongue all the way to her bridegroom"s quarters.
There was an oversized air vent in the hygiene unit left over from the time when the Hotel Andromeda had had to re- tool several rooms to accommodate a party of Ffft! warriors, mercenaries who would do anything for a price except bathe.
Additional ventilation was costly to install, but not nearly so expensive as having to deep-s.p.a.ce the whole block of rooms afterward had they not been so well aired out during the Ffft!
occupation.
Podvex peeped through the air vent and saw a deserted hy- giene unit. "It"s all right. We can go ahead."
"You would be barbecue on my world for such laxity,"
K"taen-ka"a sneered. "One empty room does not imply that the despised visTonktonk is nowhere in his suite."
"I called the room first," Podvex replied. "There was no answer, and Frankmacgregorsir paid extra for a clandestine scan of the premises. The only place the scans won"t go is the hygiene unit."
"What a nicety!" The Kha"ak"s scorn was measurable by the bucket. "To honor privacy at the cost of valuable espio- nage information."
"It"s not that," Frank said. "It"s just that vetting the scan- ners isn"t a job for a servo, and Hotel Security lost too many sentients when they tried scanning in-use hygiene units.
202 Esther M. Friesner Ma"am, have you ever seen what some beings do in the name of personal hygiene?"
K"taen-ka"a gave a tiny shudder. "Point taken."
"Anyway, after I called the room, I sent out a blanket call to the hotel bars," Podvex continued. "Your groom-to-be is in the Light of Arcturus Bistro, drinking with his wedding atten- dants."
K"taen-ka"a"s eyebrows twitched. "I would not have ex- pected such competence of you, Dangvim. In grat.i.tude, I shall purchase my next neural disruptor at your shop."
"We do carry a very nice selection of state-of-the-art color- coordinated-"
"Shut up and stand aside. I have a lagbel to recover." The Kha"ak maiden stiff-armed Podvex against one wall, Frank against the other, and punched out the air vent with one blow of her fist. There was a lot of grunting and squirming as she wriggled through the opening, but neither the Terran nor the Dangvim was fool enough to attempt giving her a friendly shove. At last, with a sound like a boulder being pulled out of a hog wallow, she was through. "What are you waiting for?
Come help me," she commanded.
Podvex and Frank had no trouble at all slipping through the vent into the hygiene unit. K"taen-ka"a hadn"t waited for them but had barged on into the main body of Maiphot Garoo visTonktonk*s quarters, seeking her wayward courtship pres- ent. They heard her exclamation of triumph just as they stepped into the suite"s sitting-squatting-and-hunkering-down area.
"Where is she?" Podvex searched the area in vain.
"It sounded like it came from there." Frank pointed at an open portal- "That"s not his personal chamber, is it?"
"It"s wherever he"s keeping his lagbel. This is really a shame. I hoped that by giving her half a mated pair and Maiphot Garoo the other one, the lagbel"s natural tranquiliz- ing effect would calm down these homicidal yahoos long enough for them to get safely married."
"But I told you, it"s the blending of the male and female lagbel musks that does it. You don"t get that effect unless you"ve got both lagbels together."
IT"S A GIFT.
203.
"Yeah, right." Frank sighed- "And for all we know, the ef- fect doesn"t even work on all sentients; just Tyrrhenians."
From the inner room came K"taen-ka"a"s voice raised in an imperious demand for a.s.sistance. Podvex jumped. "I"d better go stand lookout, and you should help her. I don"t think even K"taen-ka"a will have an easy time separating the lagbels. I know I had to use snooze-needles on them at the shop. Hurry, please. She doesn"t sound very happy."
"Oh well. It was worth a try." Frank shrugged.
The entire suite shook with the force of something very large and heavy hitting the floor.
Frank dashed for the open portal, only to be bowled over by Podvex. "Oh my!" the Dangvim exclaimed, paws to mouth at the sight awaiting him. K"taen-ka"a lay full length upon the floor of the sleeping chamber, a goodly part of her overlaying the futon. Her hands were still outstretched toward the sonocage where a happily reunited pair of lagbels drowsed. Podvex tiptoed toward the cage and blinked at it to make sure his eyes told him the truth.
"Not engaged," he said, turning to Frank.
"What?"
"The cage controls aren"t engaged. No wonder: That cage isn"t big enough for two lagbels, so the P"toon just left it open. Someone must"ve told them about the animals" habits, how faithful they are. Mairphot Garoo visTonktonk probably figured they wouldn"t try to run away so long as they had each other."
"Yes, but who could"ve told them-"
"And look there." The Dangvim didn"t give Frank a chance to ask a thing. Instead he pointed to K"taen-ka"a"s hands. Two spines of stiff gray hair stuck out of the flesh.
Frank knelt cautiously beside the gently snoring Kha"ak, then glanced at the lagbels- "The male"s missing a tail spike,"
he said. "So"s the female. If their musk was on those spikes ..."
"I guess the tranquilizing effect doesn"t just work on Tyr- rhenians." Podvex wore a sheepish smile. "Should we try moving her?"
"I don"t think so." A look of relief and revelation warmed Frank"s features. "I think we should just try moving ourselves out of here fast."
204 Esther M. Friesner It was the wedding of the year, or the turn, or the tumble, depending on how one kept track of time. It was also per- formed rather hastily, with none of the pomp Juanita vanTeufel had planned, and certainly with none of the lime- light spilling over onto her. Instead it was visiting dip-in- transit, Frank MacGregor, who received the accolades and thanks of Kha"ak and P"toon alike for having been so Johnny- on-the-spot with an accredited shaman able to officiate at the hurry-up ceremony immediately necessary once Maiphot Ga- roo visTonktonk staggered into his sleeping chamber and fell over K"taen-ka"a.
"Once he saw her face-to-face, the die was cast," Frank told Podvex. *They had to get married at once. And once she was married, K"taen-ka"a couldn"t start ri"khak-umrow or anything else without her new husband"s say-so. Small chance. The P"toon don"t raise any fools."
The Terran and the Dangvim were strolling through one of the better shopping areas of the Hotel Andromeda. It was not a neighborhood with the sn.o.b appeal of Splendel"s, but it did lie at the intersection of several heavy consumer traffic routes.
Podvex had been perplexed when the Terran showed up at Splendel"s, tossed Mister Moogi a fat credchip key, and an- nounced he was paying for a little of Podvex"s time. Now as their walk continued, he was growing more confused by the minute.
"Ye-yes," he stammered. "We heard all about it through the System. It was very gratifying to know that-"
"Here we are," said Frank. They had stopped before a pretty little shop front. "Here you go." He took Podvex"s paw and pressed it to the lock plate. The shop door opened and all the lights came on. A host of shiny new servos glided forward to greet the newcomers.
"Welcome to Podvex"s," they said. "For the finest in gifts and gadgets, from soup to numps. Ri"khak-umrow contracts our specialty."
"It"s the least a grateful Terran dipcorps could do. One tumble"s lease, start-up stock, and your license as a paid-up member of the hotel Merchants" Council. If you don"t like the name you can change it later," Frank said.
"Ah ... ah ... ah ..." was all Podvex could reply.
IT"S A GIFT.
205.
"You"re trying to say thank you?"
"Na-na-na ..."
"Oh! You"re trying to say you don"t deserve this""
"Ah."
"If you don"t, who does?"
"Some-some-someone else."
"The someone else who made sure that Mairphot Garoo visTonktonk found out about the habits of lagbels, pertiaps, and suggested he could leave the sonocage open?" Frank pat*
ted Podvex on the back. "Well, until that someone else shows up, why don"t you just mind the shop?"
Podvex"s eyes were shining as he took in the full magnif- icence of the well-stocked emporium. "Bingema.s.s is com- ing," he murmured. "It"s a good time to start up a new business. My, my. Won"t Mister Moogisir-I mean, won"t Moogi be surprised."
"To hear you"ve gone independent?"
"No, no. To get his first Bingema.s.s gift from me- An ap- prentice can"t afford to give anything away." He toddled off down an aisle, then paused to look back at Frank and asked, "We do carry gnashcats don"t we?"
THE HAPPY HOOKERMORPH.
Kevin J. Andersen
The more appendages a client has, the better he tips. I know it"s presumptuous to make sweeping generalizations like that, with the incredible number of life-forms in the galaxy-but, hey, I"ve been at this business long enough to spot trends, and a lot of different types come through the Hotel Andromeda. Trust me-count the tentacles, then count your fee for the night And this guy had twenty-three appendages-just look at *em! And of course it didn"t take much for me to figure out what the identical number of orifices on my adapted female body were supposed to be for.
He gestured toward me with a pseudopod and eased back on his motive cushion of slime, flailing a few other tendrils in the air. I moved naturally, slithering into his room. I had al- tered my body to look exactly like a female Slugwump, and a knockout too, as best I could determine from the species listing in the Lexicon. If I didn"t get everything right, it might shatter the illusion for the client.
207.