This morning my beloved father told me, "Go greet your brother and take him the gifts he asked for."Even after rallying a coup to overthrow him from heaven and even with his weird preference of making himself look like a goat because he found them cute, father still catered to Lucifer"s every whim, going as far as giving him a whole realm to f.u.c.k up but me who had been loyal for two hundred and eighty million years got nothing…
Really dad?
He could be at least a little less obvious on the favouritism but oh well, you can"t tell the G.o.d of the universe how to parent.
He might smite you like he"s done everyone else who"s ever gotten on his nerves.
Since time began the man had a nasty temper and limitless power to boot, just look at what he did to the dinosaurs; dropped an asteroid on them after they ate the hos beloved unicorns...no one wants that to happen to them, so being a good little general I followed orders of course Uriel tagged along like the sheep he was,
anything to see his beloved big brother,
Such a pathetic little dog.
I swear he lost all his pride after he had his d.i.c.k cut off on a dare, he was more loyal to Lucifer than a h.e.l.l hound, it was sad to watch especially when he got jealous over Lucifer many, many conquests, the original harem lord dated everyone from mermaids to humans.
Watching him had completely turned me off from any relations of the steamy kind, and thus I had declared myself celibate much to my father"s surprise.
Personally, I didn"t need the drama, my life was hectic enough as it was why would I add kids to the mix.
Let"s start with his kids,
Diablo was a lovesick crybaby who literally caused typhoons as soon as you mentioned his ex-wife.
Mi was responsible for a solid ninety percent of all the worlds diseases, no joke the fling she had had with death nearly brought on the extinction of mankind.
Yu Yang was alright in general though her tendency to eat her partners was unsettling and don"t even get me started on his wives.
The term monogamy was foreign to my dear old brother and if you have over three thousand wives, of course, there will be many psychopaths in the mix.
Like Satan.
She was a real piece of work.
Never in my life have I ever seen such a vicious woman.
We all told him she was a no go, a terrible idea, he"d be better off marrying a cobra and with his tastes that would be the strangest thing he"d dated.
Uriel had begged and pleaded, even threatening to never speak to him again, which actually stopped him for a whole three days before the harem lord could resist no more the power of the p.u.s.s.y.
Honestly, the man had the self-control of a rabbit.
And when the relationship went south, she nearly destroyed the world. It was a ma.s.sacre she only stopped after Gabriel introduced her to a Seraphim, saving the world once again through matchmaking.
Father found the whole deal hilarious… of course he did never mind the countless fatalities caused once again by my beloved big bro Lucifer who just couldn"t keep it in his pants even if the world depended on it.
And now he had grandchildren.
I knew it was only a matter of time before the apocalypse would begin, again.
Honestly, with all the trouble his d.i.c.k had caused he should be the eunuch or at least get a vasectomy, family planning could save universes especially in his case and no, I"m not being bitter.
If you"ve ever had to stop a super volcano from destroying an entire countries population because SOMEBODY forgot their wives birthday, you"d understand a pinch of the misery I endure millennia after millennia with his continued existence.
My only joy was watching him have a literal breakdown as his three little grand eggs hatched, he grabbed the pathetic mortal in a choke-hold screaming in his ears...I couldn"t quite tell what he was saying but I didn"t really care, the sheer anxiety in his eyes was all the entertainment I needed.
I didn"t even really notice the flames covering the garden as vicious winds wailed lightning struck from h.e.l.l"s red clouds as the three eggs glowed brightly, almost blinding us with their light.
Uriel, the d.i.c.k-less icebox that he was, formed an ice wall to shield us just as the eggs exploded.
The sandbags had been useless, vaporized to nothing if not for the wall we might have actually gotten hurt, an impressive feat for half mortal young-lings.
When the smoke cleared and the ice melted we found ourselves face to face with adorable red-eyed babies, the mortal was over the moon which was good, at least he was a decent father…
Rushing over he wiped off the egg slime and dressed them in yellow, orange and green blankets courtesy of Gabriel the only sane member of our household
It didn"t take me long to realize Lucifer was going for a rainbow theme, Six hundred million years and he still had such childish tastes, confirming that they were not ma.s.sive monsters that would devour the planet I grabbed a complaining Uriel
"Congratulations were gone," I said flapping my wings lighting them ablaze with my heaven fire.
"f.u.c.k off virgin I"m staying!" he hissed before he was promptly reminded that his cold aura would make the kids sick and so with Uriel pouting like a brat we left.
I would hand in my report to father and ask him to send Gabriel next time.
I had to start getting ready for the inevitable apocalypse.