I knew I was going to be in a world of agony as soon as Lucifer himself threw me a stick and told me,"Defend yourself!"
Once, I was a simple pizza delivery guy just trying to make the rent and go to college, maybe get a girlfriend, maybe buy a new phone...but now thanks to some evil dude holding a terrible grudge against me, for what? I would also like to know!
I was facing of the second most terrifying thing I had ever seen in my life a two-legged black furred goat pointing a sword at my throat ready to slice my head off.
I suddenly had great respect for Shepard boys and cattle farmers who risk their lives every day that we may eat the Kobe beef...
Actually, if we count the mermaid thing this guy was the third most terrifying being I had ever laid eyes on, first place belonged only to the minotaur who apparently is called Minos, the G.o.dfather to all cow life forms and apparently the younger brother to the goat man, Lucifer, lord of h.e.l.l, honestly who wrote this situation? Were the masters of the universe drunk when they wrote my life plan?
I can see it now they were probably seated in their comfy palace cracking a cold one with the boys when one of them went,
"Wha… whadda you think, what would be super funny? Li..Like I knowwww le...let"s make this guy, whateverisnameis, I don know bu..but les make "im go to h.e.l.l an..and get chased around by a giant cow demon on two legs!"
I didn"t want this!
I wanted to be normal! I had no major life goal why was i here? fighting off a black-furred goat and losing in a brutal very onesided one minute fight you"d be amazed at how ridiculously strong a kick from a hoof is, I was sent flying!
To be fair this guy was a pro and I couldn"t even dream to lick the heels of a beginner.
The speed at which he whacked me was beyond anything humanly possible I couldn"t even dodge the many, many hits to my face, ribs, general stomach area...anyplace covered with skin really.
"Baaa, Get up!" the goat man Lucifer bleated sheathing the bright sword, he hadn"t even used it.
This was a useless training story arc where the teacher was a lunatic demon lord and the student an incompetent youth...
"Minos this kid is useless!" Lucifer yelled to the guy watching behind him
"Maybe, but he"s human. I thought he"d be a nice wet nurse for the kids."
"We do not have wet nurses in the twenty-first century, plus he"s a guy! he"d be better as a bodyguard but he can"t fight for s.h.i.t,"
"Well to be fair, he"s still alive after facing you."
"You call this alive?" he said pointing at me, barely conscious lying on the floor sporting a ma.s.sive black eye.
That was just rude.
Whose fault is it that I look like I was just put through a meat grinder, certainly not mine!
"Just admit you were being as cheap as ever in getting your grand nephews and nieces a present."
"Well he can cook isn"t that good enough?"
"Oh, he can, human food?" he asked suddenly interested.
"Human food."
"Great!" The black goat smiled evilly and I felt my entire body freeze as he started walking toward me, I begged my limbs to move because no good could come from this!
I had already gotten my a.s.s handed to me in the meat tenderizing process, so I was probably gonna get eaten now and I wanted to live, I was too young for any of this!
I whimpered as he stood over me...yes, it was embarra.s.sing but who cares about being manly when you"re about to die? When it comes down to it were all just frightened kids wanting to live,
"Boy! Get over here," he grabbed me by whatever was left of my collar and lifted me up to his eye level, yellow goat eyes were glowing with ill intent I wanted to cry but I don"t think my tear ducts could work anymore after the fourth sucker punch to the face.
I awaited my sentence, perhaps the slime mermaid really would eat me,
"Congratulations, you"re hired!"
Hired?
Hired for what?
When did I apply?
The universe just enjoys toying with me, huh?
Siming was really using my life as material to draft a novel, wasn"t he?
Where was the divine mercy I read so much about?!
Was it in short supply?
What situation was this?!
I"d rather be unemployed and living on the streets than working for this guy.
"Ahem! I politely decline!"
"Would you rather work for Minos?"
"I would prefer neither options, Sir."
He did not look happy with that answer, that goat face of his was very expressive especially with how his eyes narrowed brows wrinkled and his fanged teeth gleamed,
"It"s not that I don"t want the job, I already have one actually I should be getting back to it soon,"
"Hmph, I"ll pay you fifty thousand a month."
What fool would agree to work for the devil himself for such a salary? I was broke but not an idiot willing to sell their soul for a few thousands, and after being beaten into a meaty paste he dares offer me money, who"s he trying to pay off not this guy this guy has dignity!
"No thank you, sir, may I go to a hospital now, please? I can"t feel my kidneys."
"Nonsense you look fine,"
Wasnt it you who called me half dead earlier?
"Everyman can be bought," Minos chipped in, "How about five hundred thousand and you only work half days?"
"If you"re not the one paying him shut up! I"m not paying half a million for a nanny!" Lucifer growled, ah it was nice to see that even all-powerful beings such as these guys were cheapskates truly no matter the gender race or species we are all misers not wanting to spend a single cent more than necessary.
Hmmm, the blood loss was surely making me very philosophical.
"I"ll cover it."
"What"s the catch?"
"I don"t want you guys in my house."
"Wheres the brotherly love that sent you down to h.e.l.l with me?"
"Oh, shut up I won"t have a repeat of the last party you had." Minos growled, yes he did have tusks that gleamed in the red fires of h.e.l.l he really was worthy of the honorary Number one most terrifying thing I had seen in all of h.e.l.l crown.
"That was three millennia ago, brother let it go."
"Uriel stabbed me, I nearly died and there was a volcano in my bed chambers."
"Ah, yes it was legendary!" he smiled in nostalgia, "He said he was sorry though,"
"Bro, just shut up and take the money,"
"You sound like me after my Seventy forth divorce, but whatever," he turned his attention back to me, "What say you mortal? will you take the job or spend eternity down here with us?"
It was then that I received enlightenment like a cultivator ascending into the immortal realm, I finally understood the human condition; when faced with two equally horrible choices in life, one should choose the one that pays; at least then you"ll be able to cover your medical bills,
That is the true meaning of life.