As the Lord of h.e.l.l, very, very few things can frighten me.Sure, there are some things that scare me, like say, those threats to the well-being of my family, that pile of unsorted souls that seriously seemed to have quadrupled in the last century (why the old man won"t just let me wipe out those humans and save us the paperwork, I will never know) and of course,
Her.
Once the love of my d.a.m.ned life and now the messiest of my divorces, Satan was really something.
That psycho dragon lady had a mouth sharper than the red dagger I got her for our first anniversary. The same dagger she nearly gutted me with after I forgot her birthday.
Besides, it wasn"t even technically her actual birthday! It was just some random day the humans had picked to celebrate as an excuse to get wasted under her name. Sure, they gave her a couple of sacrifices, and I get that it was her first human holiday, but still, you don"t stab your husband with a heavenly dagger! You don"t stab your husband with any dagger!! In fact, you don"t stab your husband period!!!
It was like her go-to thing now after that one time;
"You cheated on me?"
Stabbed!
"How dare you break up Mi and Death! Don"t you know I worked hard for that engagement!?"
Stabbed!
"What do you mean you want a divorce!"
Stabbed! Twice...
Actually, it would be fairer to say we just weren"t a good fit, in that one of us was the lord of the underworld and the other was a d.a.m.ned psychopath.
And now there she was, standing in my foyer, red gown and all, miraculously not tearing the entire cavern down in a fit of unjustified rage.
"Minos!" I called, drawing my sword. I could take her on with no problems but it never hurt to have some backup, especially since it would be a quick fight if it was the two of us against her.
"What brings you here, Dragon Lady?"
"Oh hush you old goat, I heard from a little bird that I"m now a grandmother." Satan hummed, her red eyes gleaming, good thing Yu Yang only got her eyes and not her psychopathic tendencies.
"Lucifer! how dare you keep this from me!"
Simple. One, I didn"t tell you because we weren"t on speaking terms anymore, and two, because-
"The last time we met you ate me."
Truly the messiest of my divorces...
"Oh don"t be so dramatic, I didn"t even swallow." She said as she flicked those really sharp nails.
"Because Gabriel knocked you out." Minos huffed. It had been a dark day for all of us, especially me...
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"How is Gabriel anyway? I need his services, it didn"t work out with that seraphim."
Minos and I collectively felt a shiver run down our spines.
"What did you do to him? Devlin was a stand-up guy." Minos shuddered, probably from feeling a bit guilty. I don"t blame him.
Devlin was the unlucky guy who we, as brothers, mutually decided could survive Satan, due to the fact that he was a harbinger of light and all.
So one trademark Gabriel love potion in his morning tea and a blind date later, we saddled them up and he rode the dragon into the sunset, especially in ways considered taboo to the general audience.
"You didn"t eat him did you?" I asked.
"Relax, I was young back then and my digestive system couldn"t handle eating Celestials, so I didn"t eat him. Right now he"s Dev62490, high regent of my hive."
"...you turned him into a drone?" Minos was regretting our actions.
Swallow thy guilt Brother! It was him or me, we made the right choice!
"Had to be done, he said he wanted s.p.a.ce! Can you believe him?!"
Oh, the poor guy, enslaved by a mad dragon who liked to horde people like they were her personal jewellery collection. We"d have to save him soon before she decided he"d be more useful inside her stomach.
"Yes, yes we can. You"re a bit much." Minos answered politely. The man never could be rude to women, even genocidal maniacs...
"A bit?! Understatement of the Millenium..."
"Oh hush Lucifer, as if marrying you wasn"t the biggest mistake of my life."
"Really, because after leaving you a snake would have been a big step up!" I snapped. "Seriously, you set the bar so low..."
"Whatever. Where are my grandchildren?"
"As if I"d tell you! You"re a danger to their well-being!"
"I"ll be a danger to your well-being in the next five seconds if you don"t tell me where my adorable younglings are!"
"Wait," she paused. "Where"s Yu Yang? Heavens, they didn"t eat her already, did they?!"
"No of course not! She"s in stasis!"
"Oh good." She began pacing. "It would be a terrible shame for me to miss that. What kind of a mother would I be to miss my own daughter"s special day."
"We can"t let that happen. Yu Yang can"t regenerate like you..."
"It"s tradition though. Ah, motherhood. I remember when Mi nearly ate my arm back when she was just a baby, and now look at all she has accompli-" She stilled, sniffing the air.
"Strange, I smell a mortal here..."
She suddenly turned her head, eyes narrowing in anger.
I turned to where she was looking, only to spot a pulpy looking man staring at the two of us.
That Idiot!! Why didn"t he stay in the training grounds!
"Leave him alone, Dragon Lady." I growled.
"Oh?" She sneered. "I didn"t think you had such tastes. Really Lucifer, a mortal? You know how I feel about them."
"He"s my nanny."
"...your what?"
"I gifted him!" Minos, the brother born with the inability to read the mood, raised his hand like a dumb little calf...
"What."
All eyes shifted to the nanny who shrunk back. You fool, never display fear to a predator!
"Oh, a human nanny! How unconventional!" She slithered over to him, her red scales starting to show. I used to find it hot when she did that. Now, not so much. "You! Where are my grandkids? It"s alright, you can tell me."
Her fangs were out, and that toothy smile would probably haunt the nanny for the rest of his life, but my family was more important than his mental state. So bristling up my goat form and elongating my horns, I said in my most demonic voice:
"dO sO aNd I cAnNoT gUaRaAnTEe YoUr LiFe, NaNNy!"
Quickly deciding that he was more terrified of me, he squeaked.
"Pardon! Aunty I do not know!"
Satan froze, we all did.
Oh, he"d done it now. Really, out of all the things he could have said...
"Aunty!?" she hissed, her forked tongue flicking around. Oh the things she could do with it...it was conflicting. On one hand, I remember the good old days when we terrorized my fathers" creations hand in hand. On the other hand, I also remember how she tried and failed on multiple occasions to kill me...
The only thing stronger than my Libido was my self-preservation.
"Aunty!? How dare you! I look twenty-six!"
"Of course ma"am! I meant no disrespect!" He scrambled back. I moved to shield the mortal because Minos would feel upset if his gift was broken or beheaded or roasted or...really there were so many ways he could die today.
"Stand down, Shnuffle Bag."
"What did you just call me?!!"
I"d call her a lot worse but I can"t really swear until at least after the children hatch. After that though...
Let"s just say I"ll have a few choice words for this little Berry.
Satan roared as ma.s.sive wings emerged from her back, serpentine eyes glowing red with the rage of a woman scorned. A thunderous roar masked the cracking bones as she shifted to her true form, a hulking she-beast that roared h.e.l.lfire, making me question the fetishes I had as a young lad...I really did go for anything, didn"t I?
That day would go down in history as the day two lords of h.e.l.l battled the old serpent of the underworld to save a human who did not know how sensitive Satan was about her age.
At this point, I think I should retire.