Once upon a week ago, I was a normal guy just trying to get some extra cash for my rent delivering pizza"s I had no beef with anyone, I minded my own business and tried to get along with everybody and now I am in an alternate dimension being hunted down by a beast!I"m also pretty sure this place is h.e.l.l...how can I be so sure?
Well, there was fire raining down from the red sky, it smells like old man farts and there are a lot and I mean A LOT of screaming souls, heck even the roads are lined with bones and skulls that screeched and whispered like those stupid ghosts you saw in kids cartoons when you walked past,
"Please...help...me..." one said.
"No..more...spare...me...." another begged.
"Expect ...light showers of brimstone in the afternoon..." the last one said in a voice that left a lot to be desired, it sounded like nails scratching a board while to cats did the nasty in the middle of a death metal bands sound check.
"Thanks, I guess?"
"You"re welcome, may h.e.l.ls light be merciful to your d.a.m.ned soul..."
"Okay..."
I gave the skull a thumbs up and kept walking as fast as I could.
So yeah, I"m pretty sure I am in h.e.l.l.
This is all that guy"s fault!
What did I ever do to deserve this?!
I was a decent human being, sure I bullied some kids back when I was in middle school and maybe I lied to my girlfriend every once in a while but I didn"t deserve divine punishment decked out by a half dead looking guy carrying a baby!
I"m pretty sure I"ve never done anything to that guy
Why the such a heavy grudge?
To despise me to the point of sending me to h.e.l.l...what did I do?!
And the worst part of it is the ma.s.sive thing that"s hunting me down!
The unholy fusion of Bull and man!
It straight up looks like the G.o.dfather of all cow life forms, it"s so d.a.m.n ugly with its yellow eyes hulking horns and furry biceps.
Thankfully it was so ma.s.sive each step it took sounded like a sledgehammer smashing the ground so I could successfully hide whenever I heard the thunderous hoof steps.
Besides I had read enough of my little sisters twisted books to know what demons usually did with human slaves... so no thank you I"d rather not be caught I"ll jump in a lava pool before that happens!
Though he"d probably eat my flame roasted body afterwards so I"d be doing the cow a favour...he will probably never have such a well-cooked meal again...speaking of which I am rather hungry but the triple meat deluxe extra large pizza I was sent here with had long been lost after I threw it at the Minotaur to buy myself some time to flee!
It was a n.o.ble sacrifice, but man cannot live on sheer fear and adrenaline alone, he needs sustenance and maybe some water.
Turning a corner I saw some stairs and since I was trying to get to low ground (better for hiding) I decided to take them.
In the near future, I would realize I was the architect of my own downfall.
Making it down the stairs I found myself in an incredibly cute garden though there seemed to have been a fire recently the ground near the metal platform was charred into black coal, on the platform were three eggs one blue one violet and the last one purple... I think?
They were ma.s.sive eggs, enough to feed a family for three weeks but though my stomach screamed for me to make an omelette the problem was, eggs that size probably had a big mama, who would make short work of the fool who tried to steal her eggs.
I am no idiot a nest is no place to be when you"re trying to survive a horror movie, I had watched enough Dwayne the rock Johnson movies to know that the best course of action was to climb back up those stairs and take my chances with the minotaur, literally take the bull by the horns.
and so with the dignity and poise of a starving man trying to escape a potential death trap I hobbled back up the steps only to meet with the most terrifying thing I had ever seen.
Empty eye sockets glowed green in an angry fire as the rage of a scorned woman burned hotter than the fires of well...h.e.l.l.
"Intruder!" it hissed Long tentacles whipping out in rage, slime flew everywhere and I desperately hoped it wasn"t acidic as I ran back down the stairs screaming like a strangled rat.
"I"m sorry!" I yelled ducking into some very fragrant flower bushes as I dodged a whip-like tentacle, she lashed out again and again like an insane dominatrix in some seriously f.u.c.ked up S/M play...
Woman calm down with the kinky f.u.c.kery I"m trying to leave your nest!
We both want the same thing why are we fighting??!!
"Those who dare try harm the great Lords brood must suffer!" her fangs elongated as the thin wisps of dark hair billowed in the gusts of wind from her whip attack
"It was an accident, I"m a vegetarian I would never eat an egg!" the desperate lies of a man on his last legs as he faced death left my mouth.
"General Chu what is this commotion?" a regal voice asked
"My Lord!" the tentacle nightmare yelped bowing in respect, I looked up expecting a n.o.ble king with a flowing robe and golden crown looking down upon my haggard self his eyes filled with disdain, instead I saw a hulking black furred goat man that made the old Minotaur look cute.
Was this some kind of joke, fate couldn"t be this cruel right?
Apparently, she could for I received a triple blow!
What little blood I had drained from my face as I heard something come closer...the sledgehammer hoof-steps that I knew were of a hulking Minotaur.
Honestly, I had the luck of a b.a.s.t.a.r.d born on the fourth day of the fourth month in a leap year.
"Ah Minos," the goat said smiling all the while the slime creature lady came closer nearing her prey for a probably very painful death...
"Big brother Lucifer!" The Minotaur, Minos said happily
"I see you"ve found your gift."