Dear diary,You know, today is a really s.h.i.tty day.
"Why?" you ask, well dear friend today I have been thrown into h.e.l.l for seven counts of child neglect.
What child neglect?!
I didn"t even know I had a child to neglect!
Let alone seven!
it"s so unfair!
And you know how they say the devil will come to you dressed as everything you ever wanted?
They lied!
He came alright, as a seven-foot-tall goat-man with muscles that made Goku look like a bean pole and he was so hairy! Black fur was shedding everywhere, it was like those scientists cloning sheep had accidentally spilt in Dwayne the rock johnsons DNA and thrown it in a bucket of steroids and out came this monstrosity.
He was seated right in front of me holding me up by my neck and fuming so hard he was huffing out black smoke, yellow goat eyes turning red with rage. I could tell he was doing everything in his power not to snap my neck, "why?" You may ask well you see, I am an idiot.
Let us back up to a few precious seconds ago when the great Lord of evil himself told me,
"I am here because you, Li Jun impregnated my precious Yu Yang and left her to care for seven children."
Now you see, I thought I had misheard
"Great Goat father, I have never done anything with anyone named Yu Yang, I swear on my life!"
Man, they"re really going to kill me, I made lucifer so mad when I couldn"t remember Yu Yang but come on, I"ve only slept with twelve women in my life and of all of them she wasn"t even in my top five, the daughter of Lucifer truly was the most vanilla of my manly adventures of a college student, isn"t that ironic? She wanted nothing to do with my legendary Kamasutra techniques,
But a drunk one night stand after a mixer leads to this?!
its unfair for you too you know? You are the diary of a man imprisoned in h.e.l.l, your fate is worse than mine, you"ll have to hear about me whining about my torture every day until they kill me and I"m telling you right now I don"t die easily! I"m like a c.o.c.kroach but I"m not ugly like one let"s say it like, I"m a c.o.c.kroach that was reborn as a peac.o.c.k, a really manly peac.o.c.k!
But that"s not important after I told old Lucifer that, he blew a fuse!
that hand around my neck tightened and the man started shaking me like a ragdoll.
"Baaaaa! You dare deny it!" he bellowed, you could really hear the goat in him at the time
"Oh Great G.o.d I"m pretty sure I didn"t do it! Have mercy on my soul!" I cried,
He was still shaking me as he took out a photo from his wallet and shoved it in my face, Oh, I knew that girl.
the realization must have shown in my face.
"Ah Hah! i knew it!"
"Wait this is the girl I met two months ago how can I be the father?"
"Are you calling my daughter a liar?"
"No, I would never! it"s just that don"t kids take nine months to bake in the oven? please listen to logic all-powerful Lucifer!"
"Yu Yang is a spider demon she only needs three weeks for the eggs to hatch!"
...
A spider demon.
I had done the devils dance with a spider demon.
For some reason my body felt very cold.
"Eggs?"
"Yes, seven beautiful little eggs my Yu Yang will be asleep for a few decades because we didn"t want the kids to eat their mother when they hatch."
"What?"
Surely I was not hearing things right.
Lucifer sighed and stood up his top horns smashing a hole through the roof my landlord would die of a stroke when he saw that...
"You are clearly a useless human, why couldn"t Yu Yang go with the Seraphim i"d arranged for her? This would make my life so much easier."
The man waved a hand slicing through the air like a knife, a black portal filled with the screams of tortured souls opened up, I could swear I saw a couple of spirits fly out of it as the man dragged me beside him.
"Err...Sir, please don"t do anything hasty, let"s talk about this!"
"Be quiet, you will either be a good father to your children or I will put you in the second circle of h.e.l.l with Minos, you"ll really die many deaths then is that what you want?! he hasn"t had a proper human in several hundred years, it will be a painful death!"
"No! of course not great sir!"
"Good,"
Then he threw me inside.
So begins my h.e.l.lish fatherhood adventure.