"You take her, left I"ll flank her right!"Minos huffed in agreement before taking off at full sprint as Satan swiped at them, Lucifer met the claw with his blade, its steel bite cutting into her scaley hide driving her into a frenzy,
"Where is that brat?!" she hissed the red of her eyes fully engulfing her vision
"calm your t.i.tties, Honey,"
she roared red flame the fires blocked by the once heavenly blade,
"You"ll have to try harder than that dearie!" Lucifer blocked it with his sword the steel blade glowing hot nearly burning his hand,
"f.u.c.k off you G.o.dforsaken b.a.s.t.a.r.d!!" she roared, throwing him off as her roar shook the caverns of h.e.l.l. Minos lunged overhead crashing into her jaw like a battering ram shutting her mouth as her head smashed into the earth,
She was disoriented but not out of the fight yet she growled low as Lucifer lifted the blade to her snout, the glowing hot steel rivalling the light of his yellow eyes,
"Honestly I"d kill you if not for our children,"
"I"d kill you regardless,"
Red eyes met yellow as they starred off the glowing fires of h.e.l.l crackling in the background, the distant cries of the d.a.m.ned drowned out by their battle, this would be the final-
"Hold it!" a voice called out
"Oh G.o.d, not him..."Lucifer groaned
Satan looked up and winced, "Oh G.o.d, no just stab me right now..."
"Lucifer, Satan why in fathers name are you fighting! Minos why are you encouraging this violence?!" the gentle voice of reason known as Gabriel floated down grey wings glowing like a very annoying nightlight.
"Why are you here?" Lucifer groaned.
"Father heard the earthquake sent us in to check." the smiling self-proclaimed heavenly therapist and counsellor quipped.
"From the fourth Quadrant?!" Lucifer smirked, ah yes he truly was the beloved son.
"He"s always quick when it"s you..." Michael followed folding his wings Uriel right behind him scowling at the Great serpent lying before Lucifers sword.
"Jealous as always, little virgin." Lucifer drolled as the swords yellow glow faded back into silver swirls
"I"m just being honest," Michael chirped,
"That"s good communication Michael, let"s get this toxicity out, then we can all move on with our lives," Gabriel mediated.
"What?" Satan, Minos and Lucifer asked.
"We"ve been going at this for millennia, its time we get over this we have grandchildren in our family now I don"t think we want to keep this feud going."
"Fine then I"ll start, Lucifer beloved husband of mine you"re literally the worst thing your father thought up!" Satan yelled.
"she"s not wrong," Michael stated.
"Always at war, never at home, cheating on me left and right regardless of species! Messing around with humans, you were the worst!"
"I"m the worst?! listen here lady, I"ve been wanting to get this off my hide for millennia,"
He took a deep breath,
"Satan first of my wives, mother of my beloved children f.u.c.k you. f.u.c.k you from h.e.l.l and back, f.u.c.k you sideways with a chainsaw you d.a.m.ned cold-blooded psychopath! f.u.c.k you and your dragon breath! f.u.c.k you and your shedding! f.u.c.k your h.o.a.rding disorder! f.u.c.k it! f.u.c.k it all you lunatic! What in father"s name is wrong with you? What unfortunate s.h.i.t went down in your life to make you like this?!"
"How dare you-"
"I dare because I put up with so much s.h.i.t..-"
"Oh really? You put up with me?! Who was the one who put up with the most insane harem ever made, huh? Do you know how many times I was poisoned..."
"Ha! what about your consorts?! You ever been strapped down and nearly sacrificed to your own father?!"
"That was an accident! How were they supposed to know you weren"t a goat?!"
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"Tell that to my trauma! I still can"t fully shift to my pristine lamb form..."
"And thus we all suffer this monstrosity of a mashup," Michael huffed
"Well, what about the summons I took in your name? I literally lost my G.o.ddess hood! People don"t even know we"re different!"
"That should be a compliment!"
"They think I"m evil!"
"You kinda are…" Minos quipped.
"Really...Et Tu Minos?" she pouted at the Minotaur,
"You ate my brother…"
"He was a terrible husband, he deserved it!" she flicked her tail in indignation.
"Pardon my shady memory but I never once stabbed you!" Lucifer yelled.
"Be quiet you adulterous lecher!"
"No, no, communication is key in conflict resolution, keep going Lu." Gabriel pressed
"You suck! you really suck for Father"s sake get some therapy!"
"good, good now Satan," Gabriel mediated.
"I wish I gutted you in your sleep!"
"Baaa, you did! On multiple occasions! Why do you think we started sleeping in different rooms?!"
"Obviously so you could play with your other conquests!" she hissed the spikes on her back twitching in agitation
"Let"s seal her in limbo," Minos offered
"Aw, come on this is quite entertaining," Michael laughed before satan hacked up a great fireball at them roasting them with dragon fire,
Mildly scorched and thoroughly annoyed Michael hissed,
"Never mind, I"m all for limbo,"
"I say we gut her," Uriel grumbled putting out the fire in his hair,
"Uri, she is still the mother of my children,"
"Gone soft, have you?" Satan goaded
"Be grateful I do not want to stoop to your level," he growled back
"I feel like this great battle has severely gone off track," Gabriel muttered.
"Easily fixed," Uriel said slamming his fist into the ground ice shards grew like spears flying towards the red dragon, she unfurled her wings flying over the brothers,
"Fine let"s just hurry this up," Michael hissed lighting up his wings, the heaven fire glowing brightly in gold and white, he flew over Satan before unleashing a wave of fire that nearly covered the entire cavern bathing them all in golden light
Heavenly flames overhead, cold shards of ice below Satan was forced to fly low,
"Take aim!" Michael ordered.
"Must violence really be the answer here?" Gabriel sighed,
"She turned Devlin into a drone..." Minos stated, if word of that reached their father they would all be in deep s.h.i.t, Seraphs were rare and all-powerful, one of their father"s favourite beings right after Kangaroos and Octopi.
"Really, Satan do you know how hard it was to set that up?!"
"He wanted s.p.a.ce, that"s what they all say right before they leave you!"
Flames burst from her maw in a wave of orange and red, Gabriel raised his shield blocking the river of dragon fire,
"It"s not a bad thing if a person wants some time to themselves, it"s important to realize that sometimes you"re the problem!" Gabriel lectured
"Like when we were together!" Lucifer added
"No!" Gabriel snapped "You were both the worst pairing ever conceived, you gave Zeus and Hera a run for their money..."
"It was horrible." Uriel pitched in
"Frankly we all preferred that fling you had with Lilith," Minos added
"At least she was sane..."Michael grumbled
"A succubus was sane by my standards?" Lucifer mumbled wondering at younger self
"She"s within shooting range!" Uriel hissed drawing out an ice spear
"Uriel, stop," Lucifer ordered
"I say thee nay, brother!" Uriel growled at him, "One clean shot through the eye and we solve so this dumpster fire of a problem."
"How will I explain to my kids that we killed their mother?" Lucifer asked
"Lie, say it was an accident?" Michael offered
"She accidentally fell into a volcano?" Uriel added
"It happens a lot around here," Minos said
"Nah," Lucifer, "Unfortunately we are family, Satan we have grandchildren now and I don"t think I want to deprive them of a grandmother, will you swear not to harm them?"
"They are my blood why would I do anything like that?!"
"Swear it on your blood."
the dragon sighed shrinking back to her human form staring at the four brothers she ran a sharp claw across her palm a thin trickle of blood dripping onto the floor,
"I swear," she stated stretching her hand out to lucifers meeting his open hand, a devils contract.
"Never thought I would be sworn to you, of all creatures."
"It"s a necessary precaution, they"re half mortal after all."
Satan froze, her face growing paler by the second the familiar furious gleam in her eyes
"What?!"