Today has been one of those terrible days where at the end of it; you just want to curl up into a ball and cry a little because wouldn"t you know it; after the rather odd encounter at the store, I came home to find the police poking around.Well, it was a single officer but you only need one cop to alert the army and before you know it its world war three between Celestials, Demons and the Chinese government, all thanks to one foolish father...
I can actually see that happening...
I knew I should have sorted out Weizhi accidentally committing first-degree abduction sooner but to be honest, it completely slipped my mind and now here we are, awkwardly staring at the cop, wearing my best "I swear I did nothing smile" and trying not to look suspicious.
Well, it"s not like we"ve been discovered.
All things considered, all four of my kids are asleep so the chances of blowing our cover were rather low and they were just looking for the poor guy we d.a.m.ned to an alternate dimension and since his last known location was here so of course, they"ll check it out.
"good evening, Sir we are looking for a person reported missing for a week, maybe longer,"
"Oh," I said feigning innocence, "How can I help?"
"He was last seen making a delivery to this location, I"m here to ask if you saw him,"
What"s a man to do? On one hand I tell the truth and get sent away to a mental inst.i.tution for all of eternity but on the other hand; I lie and obstruct a police investigation, which you can apparently be arrested for- I have survived h.e.l.l but I don"t think I can live through prison... they wouldn"t believe the truth anyway and besides if we are being honest, they probably can"t even find the guy.
He"s no longer on planet earth and I doubt the local police have the funds to cover interdimensional travel, maybe they can form a new division at Interpol to investigate his disappearance, call it the Interdim-Vanguard or something.
"Oh no, we never even got the delivery last week," that"s not a lie, the poor guy fell into the other dimension holding our order so we never got the delivery I hope that pizza served him well.
"Did you happen to see the man pa.s.sing by?"
"I don"t think so..."
At this time I was begging the universe for an intervention.
Something, anything to save me from looking like a suspect in the disappearance of an innocent guy, which truthfully was kind of our fault but that doesn"t mean I"m willing to go to jail for it!
I have kids to take care of and even if Weizhi was technically responsible I can"t let him have a criminal record at such a young age!
Not only would it hurt his chances in the future job hunting but if Lucifer found out he would have a catastrophic episode and what would I tell Yu Yang ?!
If she didn"t eat me before, she"d kill me if I got our children indicted in a criminal investigation...
"Well..."
Seriously, universe give me a miracle here, I;m begging you,
I would have taken anything at that point, anything!
"Master Li Jun, I bring news from my Lord!" A voice suddenly called out from behind.
I turned to find the tentacle zombie mermaid dripping ooze on the pine floors as she floated over.
Quickly realizing what it would look like if the officer saw an undead creature from h.e.l.l float around my house I quickly slammed the door in his face.
Dear Universe, I asked for some divine intervention, not a demonic hindrance!
I could only silently scold myself as I turned to General Chu, clearly what I had done was highly suspect, " Yes, Li jun you"ve really done it now... you"ve "completely" absolved yourself from this horrible situation, truly you are a master of the fine art of not being suspicious!"
"General Chu, now is really not a good time!" I screeched
"Why not I have news from my Lord," she huffed
"That can wait!"
"It cannot! The former lady of h.e.l.l has returned and she"s furious!" she began pacing back and forth, "We need to raise our defence, my lord wouldn"t go as far as killing her, he is truly benevolent, even to that wench...so we must prepare to battle if the need arises!"
"Who cares?!" I groaned, "I just slammed the door at a police officer I"m going to go to jail!"
The officer in question called out, "Is everything alright in there?"
"Yes!" I yelped, "Just confirming something with the wife!"
"Why are you so frantic, you haven"t committed any crime?" she rolled her eyes, "You"re as milk toast as they come."
"What about the seven-foot-five tentacle zombie mermaid I currently have floating around in my living room?!"
"Hmph, I don"t think I count as a crime," she said sounding offended,
"I didn"t mean it like that! It"s just that...well you"re kind of suspicious..."
"What?! I haven"t even had a human in centuries, why would I be suspicious?!"
"It"s just like you look like-eh..."
"Choose your next words wisely Mortal,"
"A fine lady… my what lovely scales you have, their glow beautifully matches your eyes..."
she smiled straightening out some of her many tentacles,
"Oh thank you, but we must make haste and create a barrier to keep her away from the children,"
"Lucifers ex isn"t as important as my freedom!"
She just gave me a look of disbelief before sighing in frustration,
"If its that concerning, how about I just eat him? that would quickly solve this little issue," she moved towards the door, I threw myself in front of it barring her path, not that it helped she simply floated over me and kept moving towards the unsuspecting police officer, if she got to him it would be his end and then my house would get raided by the police as they searched for their very dead comrade!
I couldn"t let that happen.
Desperate I threw myself at her grabbing her ooze covered tail,
Dear G.o.d, it was slimy! so very slimy!
"Let go you idiot!" she screeched violently whipping her tail around,
"f.u.c.k no!"
I held on for dear life trying not to scream because that would surely alert the officer that something was surely very wrong here. He wouldn"t be wrong, my own mind was struggling to make sense if this situation.
She repeatedly slammed me against the floor as if she was trying to shake off a pest, I could only be thankful for the glorious carpet dulling the impact,
"Watch your mouth you pathetic excuse of !"
"Fine, I get it! I"ll help out with the seal thing just please stop!"
She stood still letting me drop to the floor, I don"t think I will ever grab a mermaids tail again, its a terrible experience I do not recommend it.
I pushed myself back up ignoring the spinning room
"You can"t eat him." I insisted
"Why not? it is the fastest solution,"
"That"ll only bring more of them!"
"Then I"ll just eat those too,"
I had to marvel at her one-track mind, clearly, she didn"t understand her solution involved us becoming serial police killers, I resisted the urge to facepalm,
"We really must focus on the barrier, I"ve already set up the little eggs-"
"Wait you brought them up here?!"
"Of course," clearly irritated she folded her tentacles, "No place in h.e.l.l would be safe from lady Satan so I moved them here,"
I steadied myself marvelling at my terrible luck.
Of course, the day the police come knocking there are giant eggs and a creature from the depths of the underworld in my house.
"And you"re sure that they"re alright?" I asked wondering if I should turn off the air conditioning,
"They are perfectly well, it will be little harder to maintain the preferred temperature in these cooler climates but I will adjust them accordingly during my stay,"
"Wait you"re staying here ?!" I screeched.
She nodded.
"Why?"
"Until the former lady of h.e.l.l is no longer a threat, I will stay here and guard my Lord"s brood with my life, even if it means leaving my beloved home for these...less than stellar accommodations."
"Is everything alright in there?" the officer called again, such a polite man I definitely couldn"t let General Chu eat him.
"Ye-yeah, just... just give me a second, the wife"s not feeling too good,"
I pushed her towards the door, a rash plan forming in my mind, yes I could definitely get us out of this without needing to kill the poor officer!
"Hey, can you look a bit more human?" I asked hopeful.
"Yes...but that form is not suitable for eating prey,"
"You are not eating him, please just help me out then we can set up the shield-"
"Barrier," she corrected.
"That too! We can do all that when he"s gone so come on please just do me this favour!"
"I like my current form though..." she grumbled,
"And I like not being in jail," I gave her the most pitiful puppy-dog look I could muster, there were literal tears in my eyes.
"Please! The sooner you do it the sooner he leaves!"
She scowled her fanged teeth glinting just a little sharper before she huffed, "Fine."
The tentacles on her head folded up becoming pale green strands of hair and green scales faded into light freckles with more and more flesh added to her usual skeletal face, her hollow glowing green eye sockets becoming regular eyes and her tail, a long skirt she looked pretty good, no one could tell she was an undead zombie though the deadpan expression on her face was a pretty good give away.
"Okay so let"s get the story right, we"re married and you just had seven kids. We didn"t get the order and we didn"t see the guy,"
"Understood."
I opened the door smiling at the officer, who had a very sceptical look on his face
"Sorry she needed some water," I explained pointing at her, she smiled giving the officer a slight bow,
"Yes giving birth to seven children leaves you very dehydrated," she said not breaking her smile,
"Seven?"
"Yep, it was a rare case, septuplets. It was tough but she pulled through right honey?" I lightly nudged her arm and she suddenly doubled over hissing as if I"d just punched her in the gut,
"Oh the pain!" she yelped in the fakest of fashions, you"d have to be an idiot to buy that-
"Is she okay?" the officer asked concerned before glaring at me, I could practically see the words "Terrible husband!" and "Sc.u.m of the earth!" written on his face.
"You should be gentler to your wife!" he chastised, I noted he had completely forgotten the reason he came here while my beloved "wife" carried on her "stellar" performance.
"It"s alright... I"m just... just a little woozy from walking so much, you see my organs still haven"t fully settled after being pushed around by the kids for three-"
"Nine!" I whispered frantically.
"Eh yes, nine difficult months! What"s worse is this useless husband of mine isn"t any help at all, so if we could finish up here please, I"d like to get some rest before the children wake up."
At this point, I was probably as worthless as dirt to that officer, General Chu had destroyed his image of me and I could only cry silent tears as the officer glared daggers at me.
"Of course ma"am please don"t mind us we"ll just finish up here,"
"Thank you," she gave a slight bow before turning to me, "Hurry up Li Jun we still have lots to do."
"Of course honey,"
"And don"t call me that it isn"t proper," she hissed smacking the side of my head, thankfully this time I did not feel the slime from her usual appearance, so I gleefully smiled.
"Yes... milady?" I said rubbing my head
And with the acting prowess of a G.o.d she slowly walked off somehow looking pitiful yet graceful like a warrior who had fought a great battle, watching the sunlight fade from his enemies bodies as the sunset and night came.
The cop bought it completely and I was left wondering at the state of our law enforcement officials, surely they can"t all be this gullible?
"Well, we didn"t get the delivery that day but I hope you find him soon,"
"Ah, its alright you were probably busy at the time, do not worry your wife." he moved to leave before quickly turning back and saying
"Young man, make sure you take better care of your wife, you cant have her do all the work after giving you seven children!"
He then left without another word, so I could only silently rage at him,
"Ungrateful b.a.s.t.a.r.d, if it was up to my dear "wife" you would be dead by now!"
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