Having saved the police officer the now human general Chu turned to me and said"Mortal, there"s a lot we need for the ritual, fortunately, I, of course, had the foresight to acquire most of the materials
She dumped a satchel of knick-knacks and do-dads and began frantically sorting them out,
"We have nearly everything: the tears of methuselah, a lightning bolt from Zeus and a flame from the fires of a h.e.l.l-hounds tail, I even brought the sh.e.l.l of an ancient tortoise but we still lack the most crucial element," She fixed a pointed look at me, "the rarest object on this plane,"
Ah yes, of course, the powers that be couldn"t let these things be found at your local convenience store, or we"d all be casting spells w.i.l.l.y nilly...
I sighed,
"Uh-huh and that would be... let me guess, the tears of a unicorn or maybe the eighth colour of the rainbow?"
She arched a brow at me,
"Don"t be ridiculous those things are very easily obtained!"
Are they?
General Chu, we must shop at very different stores…
"What we need is far rarer than that," She paused taking a deep breath, "we need; the blood of a willing virgin."
"What?"
"Well, it is the 21st century I imagine everyone at some point has sampled another"s tofu, so we have to find a willing sacrifice, one who will happily accept their death at our hands,"
I could feel my mind short-circuiting, of course with the business of h.e.l.l nothing was ever easy.
"Pardon, whose hands?"
"Our hands!" She hissed, "So do you happen to know anyone gullible, whose not too attached to living and has yet to know the carnal pleasures of flesh?"
"What?"
"Would you please focus!" She snapped her voice a dry hiss, fangs gleaming with what I hope was saliva, eyes cold, dead and hungry and for one second I could swear I saw her true face...
"I am, I am calm down!" I yelped shrinking away,
"Are you honestly still afraid of me?" she scoffed "how rude as if I"d ever soil my palate with the likes of you,"
She began pacing back and forth like a military drill sergeant
"This is no time to be calm, the evilest being ever created will soon be on our trail, of course, my lord will best her in battle as he always does but she has an entire army of drones at her side, drones which are probably searching for us as we speak and if we don"t set up that barrier, they might find us and we might have to fight, I have full faith in my strength but I cannot guarantee my victory against the mother of all serpents and you," She gave me a once over before turning her nose up at me,
"You would be a short snack at best."
Really?
I was pretty sure I would, at the very least, make a great full course meal.
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She paused her pacing, "I"ll ask you again, do you know any virgins that aren"t too attached to living?"
"Look how much blood could we possibly need? I mean its just one shield right?"
"Against a dragon! The oldest of all dragons! I"d be happier if we could find at least four of them but we are short of time and resources so we"ll have to make do with the one!"
"Look, we can"t just kill a guy for a shield to fend of a dragon that isn"t even here yet…"
"Why not?!"
Really? You"re asking why we can"t commit first-degree murder… Seriously?!
"Doesn"t that seem a bit wasteful? This is an entire person we"re talking about!"
"We"ll put it to good use, I promise we won"t waste a drop,"
Stop saying we! I"m not a part of this!
"That doesn"t make me feel any better about calling up a friend and just casually asking them to die," I groaned.
"It is for the good of your family!" she grabbed Li Liming who had been happily drooling on Li Liang"s shoulder, "Look at this beautiful creature!" she said practically shoving my own daughter into my face "do it for the adorable brood!"
"That"s not playing fair!" I yelped
"These are desperate times mortal!" she put her back into her pram, taking care not to wake them, even in times like this General Chu was as diligent as ever.
"How about a pint or like half a gla.s.s?" I bargained
"Absolutely not," she scoffed, "that would be too weak at best that would only work on the doors,"
"Perfect, I"m okay with that!"
"I, however, am not! How will I cope watching my lords brood and being on high alert all the time!" She sniffled, "I am the great general Chu but I"m still only one general Chu," she said with tears gleaming in her usually eyeball-less eyes,
"No no no! Don"t you dare start crying, I know you"re faking it."
She gave a low whine and her lips began trembling, a warning before the inevitable flood of tears.
"Oi, look even if I did know someone you said they had to be willing so what am I going to tell them?"
and like a switch she immediately stopped looking like a forlorn maiden and reverted to her Demon settings… such great acting skills if she weren"t an undead demon she would be perfect for the silver screen.
"Tell them that they have been chosen to sacrifice their pathetic lives for a truly divine cause!"
"Wow, you"d make an amazing salesperson..." I droned
"b.u.t.tering me up won"t change the fact that we need a virgin,"
And the fact that she didn"t understand sarcasm wouldn"t change either...
I rolled my eyes at her, thank G.o.d the children were asleep. I needed my full concentration for this decision, a persons life was depending on me so for a whole minute I thought long and hard.
Truthfully it would be a lot easier to just sic general Chu on one of my many NEET friends and see what happens, surely in the lot of them there was one or two who I"d feel a bit sad if they died but in the long run, it wouldn"t really affect my life but then again I could never go through with that, murder is still murder and honestly, how bad could satan possibly be?
She was my children"s grandmother, she"s not going to hurt her own family right?
"Wait a minute," a brilliant idea came to me, "does it have to be a person?"
"We can"t sacrifice an animal, it must be sentient." Nurse Chu droned.
"Yes, yes I hear you loud and clear," this could work, it might actually work, "General Chu, would an angel work?"
"Pardon?" she paused processing for a moment, "You can"t mean-"
"Yep, I mean he is immortal, so what"s the harm?"
"Lord Michael would never agree to that!" she thought a bit more I could see the gears in her head-turning, "though if he did, we wouldn"t need nearly as much blood, being a celestial, the shield would be its strongest with just a few drops,"
She shot up a maniacal gleam in her eyes,
"Yes, that"s absolutely genius! The barrier will be my finest work yet, impregnable by any and all forces! My lord will be so pleased!" she squealed bouncing up down like an excited puppy before getting serious
"Now, Lord Michael is an archangel gifted with heaven fire, getting him will be no easy task. What say you mortal, how do we capture him?"
I gave her a dry look,
"Why do you always immediately jump to murder and kidnapping, can"t we just ask him?"
"oh, well I suppose we could…"
"Great, perfect! I"ll call the old goat!"
In all honesty, I should be a hero with the number of lives I keep saving.