This is an important truth well stated. We have had enough of mere imported conventionalism in manners. Our usages should not be English or French usages, further than English and French usages are founded on universal principles. Politeness is the same everywhere and always, but the forms of etiquette must change with times and places; for an observance which may be proper and useful in London or Paris, may be abundantly absurd in New York.
IV.--FICt.i.tIOUS t.i.tLES.
In answer to a correspondent who inquires whether an American citizen should address a European n.o.bleman by his t.i.tle, _Life Ill.u.s.trated_ says:
"We answer, unhesitatingly, No. Most of the European t.i.tles are purely fict.i.tious, as well as ridiculous. The Duke of Northumberland, for example, has nothing in particular to do with Northumberland, nor does he exercise dukeship (or leadership) over anything except his private estate. The t.i.tle is a perfect absurdity; it means nothing whatever; it is a mere nickname; and Mr. Percy is a fool for permitting himself to be addressed as "My Lord Duke," and "Your Grace." Indeed, even in England, gentlemen use those t.i.tles very sparingly, and servants alone habitually employ then. American citizens who are thrown, in their travels, or in their intercourse with society, into communication with persons bearing t.i.tles, may treat them with all due respect without Gracing or My-Lording them. In our opinion, they should do so. And we have faith enough in the good sense of the English people to believe that the next generation, or the next but one, will see a general abandonment of fict.i.tious t.i.tles by the voluntary action of the very people who hold them. At the same time, we are inclined to think that the bestowment of real t.i.tles--t.i.tles which mean something, t.i.tles given in recognition of distinguished worth and eminent services, t.i.tles not hereditary--will be one of the most cherished prerogatives of the enlightened states of the good time coming. The first step, however, must be the total abolition of all t.i.tles which are fict.i.tious and hereditary."
V.--A MIRROR FOR CERTAIN MEN.
The following rather broad hints to certain bipeds who _ought_ to be gentlemen, were clipped from some newspaper. We are sorry we do not know to whom to credit the article:
"Who can tell why women are expected, on pain of censure and avoidance, to conform to a high standard of behavior, while men are indulged in another a great deal lower? We never could fully understand why men should be tolerated in the chewing of tobacco, in smoking and in spitting everywhere almost, and at all times, whereas a woman can not do any of these things without exciting aversion and disgust. Why ought a man to be allowedly so self-indulgent, putting his limbs and person in all manner of att.i.tudes, however uncouth and distasteful, merely because such vulgarities yield him temporary eases, while a woman is always required to preserve an att.i.tude, if not of positive grace, at least of decency and propriety, from which if she departs, though but for an instant, she forfeits respect, and is instantly branded as a low creature!
"Can any one say why a man when he has the tooth-ache, or is called to suffer in any other way, should be permitted, as a matter of course, to groan and bellow, and vent his feelings very much in the style of an animal not endowed with reason, while a woman similarly suffering must bear it in silence and decorum? Why, should men, as a cla.s.s, habitually, and as a matter of right, boldly wear the coa.r.s.est qualities of human nature on the outside, and swear and fight, and beastify themselves, so that they are obliged to be put into separate pens in the cars on railroads, and at the depots, while woman must appear with an agreeable countenance, if not in smiles, even when the head, or perhaps the heart, aches, and are expected to permit nothing ill-tempered, disagreeable, or even unhappy to appear outwardly, but to keep all these concealed in their own bosoms to suffer as they may, lest they might otherwise lessen the cheerfulness of others?
"These are a few suggestions only among many we would hint to the stronger and more exciting s.e.x to be reflected on for the improvement of their tastes and manners. In the mirror thus held up before them, they can not avoid observing the very different standards by which the behavior of the two s.e.xes is constantly regulated. If any reason can be a.s.signed why one should always be a lady, and the other hardly ever a gentleman, we hope it will be done."
VI.--WASHINGTON"S CODE OF MANNERS.
Every action ought to be with some sign of respect to those present.
Be no flatterer; neither play with any one who delights not to be played with. Read no paper or book in company. Come not near the papers or books of another when he is writing. Let your countenance be cheerful; but in serious matters be grave. Let your discourse with others, on matters of business, be short. It is good manners to let others speak first. When a man does all he can, do not blame him, though he succeeds not well. Take admonitions thankfully. Be not too hasty to receive lying reports to the injury of another. Let your dress be modest, and consult your condition. _Play not the peac.o.c.k by looking vainly at yourself._ It is better to be alone than in bad company. Let your conversation be without malice or envy. Urge not your friend to discover a secret. Break not a jest where none take pleasure in mirth. Gaze not on the blemishes of others. When another speaks, be attentive.
VII.--MARKED Pa.s.sAGES.
On turning over the leaves of the various works on etiquette which we have had occasion to consult in the preparation of this little manual, we have marked with our pencil a large number of pa.s.sages which seemed to us to embody important facts or thoughts, with the hope of being able to weave them into our work, each in its appropriate place. Some of them we have made use of according to our original intention; a few others not elsewhere used, we purpose to throw together here without any attempt at cla.s.sification.
1. _Our Social Uniform._
The universal partiality of our countrymen for _black_, as the color of dress clothes, at least, is frequently remarked upon by foreigners.
Among the best dressed men on the Continent, as well as in England, black, through not confined to the clergy, is in much less general use than here. They adopt the darker shades of blue, brown, and green, and for undress almost as great diversity of colors as of fabrics.
2. _A Hint to the Ladies._
Don"t make your rooms gloomy. Furnish them for light and let them have it. Daylight is very cheap, and candle or gas light you need not use often. If your rooms are dark, all the effect of furniture, pictures, walls, and carpets is lost. Finally, if you have beautiful things, make them useful. The fashion of having a nice parlor, and then shutting it up all but three or four days in the year, when you have company; spending your own life in a mean room, shabbily furnished, or an unhealthy bas.e.m.e.nt, to save your things, is the meanest possible economy. Go a little further--shut up your house, and live in a pig-pen! The use of nice and beautiful things is to act upon your spirit--to educate you and make you beautiful.
3. _Another._
Don"t put your cards around the looking-gla.s.s, unless in your private boudoir. If you wish to display them, keep them in a suitable basket or vase on the mantle or center-table.
4. _An Obliging Disposition._
Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile is always on their lips, an earnestness in their countenance, when we ask a favor of them. They know that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reality not to render it at all. If they are obliged to refuse a favor, they do it with mildness and delicacy; they express such feeling regret that they still inspire us with grat.i.tude; in short, their conduct appears so perfectly natural that it really seems that the opportunity which is offered them of obliging us, is obliging themselves; and they refuse all our thanks, without affectation or effort.
5. _Securing a Home._
Let me, as a somewhat scrutinizing observer of the varying phases of social life, in our own country especially, enter my earnest protest against the practice so commonly adopted by newly-married persons, of _boarding_, in place of at once establishing for themselves the distinctive and enn.o.bling prerogatives of HOME. Language and time would alike fail me in an endeavor to set forth the manifold evils inevitably growing out of this fashionable system. Take the advice of an old man, who has tested theories by prolonged experience, and at once establish your PENATES within four walls, and under a roof that will, at times, exclude all who are not properly denizens of your household, upon a.s.suming the rights and obligations of married life.
Do not be deterred from this step by the conviction that you can not shrine your home deities upon pedestals of marble. _Cover their bases with flowers_--G.o.d"s free gift to all--and the plainest support will suffice for them if it be but _firm_.
6. _Taste vs. Fashion._
A lady should never, on account of economy, wear either what she deems an ugly or an ungraceful garment; such garments never put her at her ease, and are neglected and cast aside long before they have done her their true service. We are careful only of those things which suit us, and which we believe adorn us, and the mere fact of believing that we look well, goes a great way toward making us do so. Fashion should be sacrificed to taste, or, at best, followed at a distance; it does not do to be _entirely out_, nor _completely in_, what is called "fashion," many things being embraced under that term which are frivolous, unmeaning, and sometimes meretricious.
7. _Special Claims._
There are persons to whom a lady or gentleman should be especially polite. All elderly persons, the unattractive, the poor, and those whose dependent positions may cause them to fear neglect. The gentleman who offers his arm or gives his time to an old lady, or asks a very plain one to dance, or attends one who is poorly dressed, never looses in others" estimation or his own.
8. _Propriety of Deportment._
Propriety of deportment is the valuable result of a knowledge of one"s self, and of respect for the rights of others; it is a feeling of the sacrifices which are imposed on self-esteem by our social relations; it is, in short, a sacred requirement of harmony and affection.
9. _False Pride._
False pride and false dignity are very mean qualities. A true gentleman will do anything proper for him to do. He can soil his hands or use his muscles when there is occasion. The truest gentleman is more likely to carry home a market-basket, or a parcel, or to wheel a barrow through Broadway, than many a conceited little sn.o.b of a shop-boy.
10. _The Awkwardness of being "Dressed."_
When dressed for company, strive to appear as easy and natural as if you were in undress. Nothing is more distressing to a sensitive person, or more ridiculous to one gifted with an _esprit moquer_ [a disposition to "make fun"], than to see a lady laboring under the consciousness of a fine gown; or a gentleman who is stiff, awkward, and ungainly in a brand-new coat.
FOOTNOTE:
[R] _Life Ill.u.s.trated._
XII.
MAXIMS FROM CHESTERFIELD.
The pages of the "n.o.ble Oracle" are replete with sound advice, which all may receive with profit. Genuine politeness is the same always and everywhere.--_Madame Bienceance._
1. _Cheerfulness and Good Humor._