What you need to generate the energy to pull yourself into your life and into the moment is enthusiasm. Many of us don"t have that enthusiasm to start with. We are swayed by our thoughts that repeat our inadequacies so that we don"t even bother trying. It is said that the longest journey starts with a single step. You have to begin.
How does one become enthusiastic? Well, most people are looking for something that is worthy of pouring their heart, soul, and pa.s.sion into. Fear not. You don"t have to look far. Glance around. Where are you in this moment? It doesn"t matter. You can start to generate the enthusiasm you naturally have for living now, in this moment. In fact, that is the only time there is. You don"t have to wait for the circ.u.mstances to become more favorable. You have the perfect circ.u.mstances for Instantaneous Transformation right now.
Look around your house, your apartment, wherever you are.
There are things you have been avoiding completing forever.
See what they are and do them. Too tall an order? Okay, start with one, any one. The completion of projects-in fact, completion of any kind-returns energy to you. Wash the dishes, 162 162 Life is an exciting Life is an exciting make your bed, make that phone call, run that errand. Start. Starting any- adventure. If it doesn"t thing gives you power. Notice when appear that way to your thoughts say, I don"t want to I don"t want to, I can"t I can"t you, then there is you, then there is do it, I"m not good enough I"m not good enough, I will never be able I will never be able to get this done to get this done, and do it anyway. That is something with which the beginning of reclaiming your life.
you are preoccupied- Feel your energy rush back into you.
Feel yourself come alive. It does not probably your thoughts have to be a monumental project. Start about life instead of life with a burned-out light bulb or dusty itself. Notice that these area you have been skirting for weeks.
The two of us are fi rm believers in are just thoughts, not the "fake-it-until-you-make-it" school reality.
of life. If you can"t fi nd enthusiasm for your relationship right now, fake it!
Faking it will lend you the ability to go with totality, and before you know it, you won"t be faking it anymore, or you will be energized to recognize actions that need to be taken.
Exercises: Discovering What You Truly Want 1. Play a game. When you are washing the dishes or experiencing diffi culty communicating, for example, quietly say in your head, 1. Play a game. When you are washing the dishes or experiencing diffi culty communicating, for example, quietly say in your head, . . . . . .
and this is what I want. If you are having fun, say, I am having fun and I am having fun and this is what I want this is what I want. If you are upset or angry say, I am upset and this I am upset and this is what I want is what I want or or I am angry and this is what I want I am angry and this is what I want. If you think this is a stupid game, say to yourself, I think this is a stupid game and I think this is a stupid game and this is what I want this is what I want.
2. Find something simple to complete and complete it. (Feel free to repeat!)
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F U N I S N O T A F O U R- L E T T E R WO R D.
Oh, the pressure! Men and women are trying to fi nd "The One." When looking for a potential mate, the urge to get in there and make it work is a driving force. People are so busy looking for someone who is relationship material and fi nding Mr. or Ms. Right that they forget to engage in life and have fun. In fact, dating to have fun is thought of as frivolous or is secretly held as downright immoral. Going out to enjoy yourself and have fun rather than fi nd a marriageable mate is generally viewed as a big taboo.
"That"s not true of me," you might say. "I think having fun is really fi ne and a great idea." Okay, fi ll in the blanks: A woman who has four dates with four different guys in one week is .
A fellow who is dating four different women is .
Of course, some of you might fi ll in the blank with the word lucky lucky, but is that really the truth? Have you ever found it diffi cult to date more than one person at a time, even casually?
Have you ever had only one date with someone and then spent a lot of time thinking about him or her to the exclusion of all others? Have you ever pa.s.sed up going out because you are waiting, hoping for that fantasy phone call or e-mail that never comes? Or have you pined for someone who lives in another city or country, knowing full well that you have no intention of moving and neither does he or she?
Over the years, we have seen both men and women immediately pin their hopes on one person to the exclusion of all others. For instance, Jessica started trading e-mails with Bill, a man from an online dating service. He seemed so nice that she didn"t answer the other e-mails from prospective suitors because, hopefully, this fellow would end up as her boyfriend.
She thought about him a lot and looked forward to seeing what other messages would come. Eventually they talked on the phone, and fi nally they had a date, and then two.
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Jessica found out that she and Bill had no chemistry in person. In fact, his views in real life were different than what he had portrayed in writing, and his judgments of her were offensive. Since Jessica had let all of the other potentials fade away, now she had to start all over. But she felt discouraged, decided to take a break from online dating, and before she knew it, months had gone by without a date. Jessica began to think of herself as simply unattractive. Once she lost her momentum, it was hard to regain it. Jessica found out that she and Bill had no chemistry in person. In fact, his views in real life were different than what he had portrayed in writing, and his judgments of her were offensive. Since Jessica had let all of the other potentials fade away, now she had to start all over. But she felt discouraged, decided to take a break from online dating, and before she knew it, months had gone by without a date. Jessica began to think of herself as simply unattractive. Once she lost her momentum, it was hard to regain it.
What if you just started to go out for fun? See if you can include the societal programming for fi nding a mate and then simply let yourself enjoy people-lots of people. The best place to start is everywhere! If you begin to let yourself have fun with the person you buy your coffee from in the morning or the ticket seller at the movies or the next person in the checkout line, you will begin to relax and be more yourself.
Being yourself is really attractive.
Who are you more likely to be interested in-someone who is enjoying himself or herself and taking pleasure in the moment, or someone who is trying to fulfi ll an agenda?
A friend of ours recently told us of a blind date she had. It started out lighthearted enough, but by the end of the evening, the man had started talking about the two of them getting married. It totally turned her off. Obviously, a relationship isn"t something you can force.
If you recognize and sidestep the trap of trying to achieve a relationship, you may discover yourself having so much fun with someone that a relationship simply and beautifully happens.
Some of you may be reading this and thinking, Thank Thank goodness I have found my partner and I don"t have to worry about dating goodness I have found my partner and I don"t have to worry about dating anymore anymore. If so, then here is a question for you: what have the two of you done for fun lately?
S TA R T I NG OV E R.
Have you ever found yourself in one of those moods where no matter what your partner says or does, it is all fodder for the 165.
fi ght? Where you are angry, disturbed, and nothing he or she says or does is right or good enough to relieve your sense of aggravation?
We recently met a couple, Hal and Mary, in one of these altered states of consciousness. They came to speak to us about their relationship and how, no matter what they did, it always ended in an upset and distress, and their fi ght never seemed to completely resolve. Oh sure, it abated from time to time, but the embers of disagreement were always just below a thin skin, ready to erupt at any time.
The funny thing was they were both right-from their individual points of view. From his point of view, "She would always . . . ," and from her point of view, he was wrong and all of her friends agreed with her. This couple had a list of grievances dating back to early in their relationship, past events over which the two of them continued to disagree.
Hal and Mary had fundamental behavior patterns in their relationship that we have seen in other intimate relationships where nothing seems to resolve. No matter how much they tried to change or fi x the situation, it stayed the same or became worse. So they came to us, looking at whether or not they should remain together. Their situation was further complicated by the fact that they had a sixteen-month-old child together. By now, the sense of intimacy between them had completely eroded, and while they were very devoted to their daughter, she had become the focal point for many of their fi ghts.
The real problem was that Mary and Hal, for all of their strife, were obviously still in love. They just couldn"t fi nd a way to sidestep the old grievances that kept resurfacing, incendiary mechanical behaviors that set them battling against their will.
Our usual approach is to fi nd out where it all started and what happened that initiated the fi ght, but when we asked what had caused this pattern of behavior in the fi rst place, Hal and Mary each had their reasons for what the other did or didn"t do that created the situation, and both of them were "right" from 166 166 their points of view. Apparently, we had a stalemate. No matter what we came up with, each person felt certain that the other was the cause of their stress, upset, and dissatisfaction. This is normal for most relationships that are in trouble. their points of view. Apparently, we had a stalemate. No matter what we came up with, each person felt certain that the other was the cause of their stress, upset, and dissatisfaction. This is normal for most relationships that are in trouble.
In situations like this, where the partners have been together for several years, the starting point of the disagreement is obscured forever. So what do you do to alleviate the pain when you are locked in a habituated way of relating that seems to have no beginning and no end-a way of relating that keeps accelerating in its frequency, intensity, and duration?
At some point, the reasons why you are upset become irrelevant because everything becomes grounds for the disturbance. It has been unresolved for so long that there is no way to go back and fi x all of the grievances and transgressions.
So what do you do then? You can leave each other, which is the end result that a lot of loving relationships devolve into- it"s called divorce. You can punish each other perpetually and live a life of complaint and pain. Or you can start over.
There have been times in our relationship when we found ourselves fi ghting and could not fi nd a way out of the disagreement in which we were locked. Finally, we came up with a device that allowed us to stop fi ghting. One day, we were driving into New York City, and for whatever reason, we were deeply engaged in disagreeing with each other. It escalated and was like a sore tooth that you worry with your tongue; we couldn"t seem to leave it alone. Our silences were noisy-very noisy. And each of us was certain that we were right in our own perspective and that the other was simply wrong. We each felt picked on and misunderstood. It didn"t feel good, but there didn"t seem to be a way to resolve the confl ict.
Finally, we came up with the idea of starting over. We picked out an overpa.s.s ahead on the highway and said, "When we go under that overpa.s.s, the fi ght is over." This meant that as soon as our car pa.s.sed that spot, we were going to operate as if 167.
this disagreeable conversation had never taken place. Onward we drove. It took discipline at fi rst to resist thinking about the altercation that had just happened, but we kept bringing our thoughts and conversation back to current things, such as what we could see out the window and our plans for the day, rather than rehashing the past.
We can"t remember now what our fi ght was about. It seemed so important at the time, but now the details have faded into obscurity. We knew that the fi ght could fade away for Hal and Mary too, if given a chance, and so we suggested that they try starting over. We warned them it would be challenging not to keep going back to past gripes, but they grew excited and intrigued at the idea.
That night, Hal and Mary had a date. They had not been on a real, live date since before their child was born. The point where they started over was the opportunity for a new beginning. They grabbed this chance with both hands, and intimacy resulted. However, the next time an upsetting event happened between them or a similar type of disagreement cropped up over their child, it took discipline to resist the temptation to revisit old events. With practice, the habit of going back to touch on old events in your thoughts or in your actions can fade away.
S O M E DAY.
There are lots of "someday" thoughts that will undermine your relationship: Someday things will be better.
Someday I will stop behaving this way.
Someday I will get over these mechanical behaviors.
Someday he (or she) will change.
Someday when we get married, we will be happier.
Someday . . .
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Over the course of reading this book, you have seen yourself and how you mechanically relate. Your eyes have opened to hidden agendas, prejudices, and many ways, large and small, that you have gotten in your own way when creating the relationship of your dreams. Now, if you are like most people, you will secretly have the new agenda to eradicate these "negative" things from your life. You are going to get past your prejudices, sidestep your petty thoughts and the urge to fi ght with your partner, and move on to a healthier, happier way of relating. Over the course of reading this book, you have seen yourself and how you mechanically relate. Your eyes have opened to hidden agendas, prejudices, and many ways, large and small, that you have gotten in your own way when creating the relationship of your dreams. Now, if you are like most people, you will secretly have the new agenda to eradicate these "negative" things from your life. You are going to get past your prejudices, sidestep your petty thoughts and the urge to fi ght with your partner, and move on to a healthier, happier way of relating.
Well, guess what? That is change, not transformation. You can transform, but the mechanics of your mind do not. When you discover that this moment is all there is and that some future fantasy "someday" is not going to save you, then instantaneously you are healthier and happier. But you don"t have to change yourself, your partner, or your circ.u.mstances for this to happen.
As we discussed in Chapter 8, each moment is like a movie, and the soundtrack is laid alongside. Your soundtrack may be saying pleasant things or it may be complaining. The mind is a machine, and expecting the way it works to change will only set you up to be upset and disappointed. When the circ.u.mstances of your life become stressful enough, challenging enough, or when At times, you wil live there are strong currents in your envi- in the moment. Other ronment that are working on you, you can expect that old, familiar ways of times, your mechanics relating will resurface.
will take over, and you When a tree is cut down, you can wil repeat old behav- see the rings that were formed during each year of growth. They represent iors from the past.
the times of plenty, of sun and rain, and Expect it, and don"t the lean years too. Part of the beauty in judge it!
a hardwood fl oor or table, for example,
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is the grain of the wood. Well, your mechanical behaviors are like wood-they are ingrained. If you work on yourself, whit-tling away and trying to sand off the grain, you have none of you left. As we saw in Chapter 8, where Ariel watched the tape loop of the time-lapse photography where the red rose sprouted, grew, and blossomed, your mechanical behaviors were preset in another time, in another place, by an earlier version of yourself, and they cannot be changed.
Plenty of people have come to us discouraged because they have lost their way and have stopped feeling transformed.
If you expect to have your early ways of relating with you for the rest of your life, then you are much less likely to be hard on yourself or resist them when they resurface. If you resist old mechanical ways of relating, then, of course, they persist and grow stronger.
Our friend James recently told us that he and his wife started a heated argument immediately following his family"s visit with the two of them. Within ten minutes, James realized, This is not our normal way of relating. We must have gotten knocked off This is not our normal way of relating. We must have gotten knocked off balance somewhere in our interactions with my family balance somewhere in our interactions with my family.
James said it was akin to suddenly being on a carnival ride through an old, familiar house of horrors. But with awareness, he and his wife realized that the fi ght wasn"t serious, wasn"t their truth, and it was as if they were able to jump off the b.u.mpy ride together and land on their feet. In the past, fi ghts like this had gone on for days or months, with lots of self-recrimination, bruised feelings, and recovery time. Because James and his wife did not judge themselves for falling back into an old, mechanical way of relating, the situation instan- taneously transformed.
Transformation is Transformation is a skill set, and instantaneous, yet the like any other skill, you get better over time as you practice. This is one of the effects are c.u.mulative biggest paradoxes in our approach.
over time.
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I"m So Thirsty I"m So Thirsty A man who was taking a trip by train booked the top berth in a sleeping car for the night. Just as he was drifting off to sleep, he heard the man in the berth below him begin to moan, "Oh, I"m so thirsty. I"m so thirsty!" After realizing that the other fellow was going to continue complaining and that he would not be able to sleep, the man sat up, climbed down from his berth, and fetched the traveler in the lower berth a gla.s.s of water. Satisfi ed that he had solved the situation, the man returned to the upper bunk and stretched out once more. Just as he was drifting off to sleep again, he heard the man in the berth below him say, "Oh, I was so thirsty. I was so thirsty!"
If you think that when the thing you are complaining about gets handled, then you will be happy, you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment. Complaining is a habit. Complaining just energizes the part of you that complains.
S O M E DAY I S H E R E A N D N OW.
The relationship you currently have is the best that is possible for you in this moment. If you are currently single, then the relationship you have with yourself is the best it can possibly be in this moment, and you can only have what you have (Second Principle).
To create a magical relationship, you have to be willing to be yourself now, exactly as you are and exactly as you are not, rather than waiting around for some new, improved version.
Trying to improve yourself is a long and arduous road. And perhaps you will eventually improve-incrementally-in certain limited areas and not in others.
When you have the courage to see yourself honestly and do not judge yourself for what you see, then your life will transform and your relationships will transform along with it.
Instantaneous Transformation is like the philosopher"s stone in alchemy that was purported to turn base metals into gold.
Instantaneous Transformation takes an ordinary, mundane relationship and turns it into a magical one.
A n I n t erv ie w w i t h A r iel a n d Sh y a K a n e By Randy Peyser, author of The Power of Miracle Thinking, The Power of Miracle Thinking, for for Awareness Awareness magazine, May/June 2008 magazine, May/June 2008 RANDY PEYSER: What is a magical relationship? What is a magical relationship?
ARIEL KANE: One where you are not working on yourself or each other. One where you are not working on yourself or each other.
RANDY: Is that humanly possible? Wasn"t the whole point of the personal growth movement to keep on improving ourselves? Is that humanly possible? Wasn"t the whole point of the personal growth movement to keep on improving ourselves?
SHYA KANE: While that may be the aim of the personal growth movement, it doesn"t seem to work, does it? I see my relationship with Ariel as being quite magical in that we don"t pick on ourselves or each other. We are not trying to change or fi x the other person to get them to be a better "something" While that may be the aim of the personal growth movement, it doesn"t seem to work, does it? I see my relationship with Ariel as being quite magical in that we don"t pick on ourselves or each other. We are not trying to change or fi x the other person to get them to be a better "something"
than they are.
ARIEL: Our fi rst book, Our fi rst book, Working on Yourself Doesn"t Work Working on Yourself Doesn"t Work, sets the groundwork for how to have a magical relationship. There came a point about twenty-four years ago when Shya had an epiphany: he told me he was done working on himself. He told me that this was it and that this is what self-realization looked like. It made me a little nervous. I thought people would hate him if he said that. He said he didn"t care because it was true.
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172.
A n I n t e r v i e w w i t h A r i e l a n d S h y a K a n e He told me that I had to see that working on yourself doesn"t work. He told me that I had to see that working on yourself doesn"t work.
SHYA: The idea of working on yourself comes from the idea that there is something fl awed or damaged in you that needs to be fi xed. What if there is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone? The idea of working on yourself comes from the idea that there is something fl awed or damaged in you that needs to be fi xed. What if there is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone?
RANDY: How was the quality of your relationship before you had this grand epiphany and started living in this way? How was the quality of your relationship before you had this grand epiphany and started living in this way?
ARIEL: Happy, with an undertone of bickering ready to fl are up whenever we crossed paths with something mechanical in ourselves. We were totally capable of fi ghting over things like who got the mail or whether to cross the street on the diagonal or at the crosswalk. Minutia. That was normal for us twenty-four years ago. Happy, with an undertone of bickering ready to fl are up whenever we crossed paths with something mechanical in ourselves. We were totally capable of fi ghting over things like who got the mail or whether to cross the street on the diagonal or at the crosswalk. Minutia. That was normal for us twenty-four years ago.
SHYA: When I stopped working on myself, I stopped working on Ariel by extension. There was no need to work on her because I became okay with the way I was, and therefore, she was okay with the way she was. We started relating in a much more genuine, gentle, kind, and supportive way. When I stopped working on myself, I stopped working on Ariel by extension. There was no need to work on her because I became okay with the way I was, and therefore, she was okay with the way she was. We started relating in a much more genuine, gentle, kind, and supportive way.
RANDY: So, it begins by looking at yourself fi rst. So, it begins by looking at yourself fi rst.
ARIEL: Absolutely. One of our premises is that in a magical relationship each person takes 100 percent responsibility for the health of the relationship. It"s not a fi fty-fi fty deal. Magical relationships happen when you discover how to be okay with being yourself. Absolutely. One of our premises is that in a magical relationship each person takes 100 percent responsibility for the health of the relationship. It"s not a fi fty-fi fty deal. Magical relationships happen when you discover how to be okay with being yourself.
RANDY: Do you promote certain processes to get to that place? Do you promote certain processes to get to that place?
A n I n t e r v i e w w i t h A r i e l a n d S h y a K a n e 173 173 SHYA: No. But we"ve discovered that listening will pull you into the current moment of now. We are not talking about the kind of listening to see whether you agree or disagree with someone, but actually listening to hear what the speaker is saying from his or her point of view. That pulls you into the moment. No. But we"ve discovered that listening will pull you into the current moment of now. We are not talking about the kind of listening to see whether you agree or disagree with someone, but actually listening to hear what the speaker is saying from his or her point of view. That pulls you into the moment.
ARIEL: And the moment is this magical place that creates the basis for well-being within yourself and, subsequently, a magical relationship. And the moment is this magical place that creates the basis for well-being within yourself and, subsequently, a magical relationship.
SHYA: When you are well in yourself, you bring that well-being to a relationship. If you think you are defi cient and need a relationship to be whole, then you will bring your defi ciencies to the relationship. When you are well in yourself, you bring that well-being to a relationship. If you think you are defi cient and need a relationship to be whole, then you will bring your defi ciencies to the relationship.
ARIEL: Awareness is truly the key. Awareness is not a process. Awareness is truly the key. Awareness is not a process.