"Should I put something on the jukebox?" asks Stevie.
"Yes."
"Any requests?"
"Anything but Elvis," I say.
He must think I"m joking because he chooses "Viva Las Vegas". I bite my tongue. I can deal with it. How long does one track last? Three minutes, tops. We are friendly and relaxed while we talk about music, the museum and the menu. I think we can manage to stay affable as long as we keep away from the subject of my multiple marriages.
"About last night," says Stevie, who perhaps has not drawn the same conclusions.
"I"m not sure we have anything to say, do we?" I hope this sounds like a closing statement rather than a question.
Stevie overrules me. "I think we do."
"We"d both drunk too much. It"s easy to do silly things when there"s moonlight and... cashew nuts and things." I"m not making sense.
"I see," says Stevie. He seems reluctant to let the incident lie, but lie it must. I mean, what"s the alternative? My grabbing Stevie now, climbing across the Formica table and snogging his face off? Hitching up my skirt and riding him till I"m raw?
"Have you had fun this morning?" I ask, pushing the p.o.r.n-style vision from my head.
"Yeah." I"m grateful that he"s allowing me to change the subject. "But even that"s confusing, isn"t it? How much fun we have together?"
So we"re not changing the subject then. I try again. "You"ve won a great prize, Stevie. Did I ever say congratulations?"
"No, you never did," he says. "You never thought I"d amount to much," he adds. His tone is observational rather than offended or bitter.
Inwardly, I smile. "Amount to much"; a one hundred per cent Kirkspey expression if ever I"ve heard one. "I didn"t think you"d amount to enough," I clarify.
"Explain," instructs Stevie.
He is sat with his elbows on the table and stirring his milkshake with a straw. As he issues his one-word instruction he is staring out of the window, seemingly concentrating on a flashing neon sign that reads: "Life is Fragile, Handle with Care". Like so many of those trite little sayings that you find on fridge magnets and Hallmark cards, the message suddenly seems scarily pertinent.
To most people Stevie no doubt looks the epitome of relaxed cool. But I spot the muscle at the side of his mouth twitch; what was it that he"d said about poker faces, last night? I know that Stevie is tensely sat on tenterhooks. My answer matters to him. My answer is important. I take a deep breath. He"s right. I do owe him and I get the impression that he"s telling me that now is the time I have to pay. I plough in.
"You were on about the people in Kirkspey earlier. The thing is, you were all mixed up with how I feel about them. You still are."
"Go on."
"They"re not normal and I just wanted to be normal. At one point, you seemed like an escape and I was wild about you. Then you seemed to be part of their clan and I was just... wild at you, I guess."
"You"ve lost me. Rewind."
"Do you want more music? I think I"ve enough quarters."
Stevie sees this as the diversionary tactic it is and says no. "Explain what you mean, Belinda, please."
He"s asking Belinda and she could never resist him.
"OK. When I was sixteen and petting heavily with you in the front room of my dad"s house, you seemed like an exotic creature. You"d come to Kirkspey from Blackpool, England."
"Blackpool? Exotic?" asks Stevie, quite reasonably confused.
"I hadn"t been there then," I mutter, more than a bit embarra.s.sed about my appalling lack of knowledge and sophistication at the time. Was there ever such a naive girl?
"Loving you, having s.e.x with you, seemed rebellious, unruly and promising." I take a sip of my milkshake. "For the first time since my mum had died I felt excited about my life and, specifically, about my future. I hadn"t even thought of university until you a.s.sumed that I"d be going."
"I know, your dad hadn"t suggested it," comments Stevie.
"You know that my dad rarely spoke to me at all."
"And you know that fishermen are very superst.i.tious about women," says Stevie. "It wasn"t personal."
It felt personal. Stevie is trying, as he always did, to defend my father"s indifference towards me. I shrug, and don"t bother to point out I wasn"t some remote unlucky woman, I was his daughter. It"s an old wound; I"d rather not pick at the scar tissue.
"You paid me attention when no one else did. You opened my mind. You had all these ideas and plans and hopes. I thought that we"d help each other to scramble out of Kirkspey and that you"d help me shake off the loneliness and sense of otherness that I"d always carried."
I pause and half-heartedly pick up a chip, dip it into ketchup, but haven"t the required keenness to get it to my mouth. We both know that when I say "always" I mean since my mum died.
"When we were at university together you helped me fit in. I just wanted to be normal, like all the other normal middle-cla.s.s students. You were much more confident than I was." I pause and then ask, "Do you remember we used to sit up all night reading poetry? Do you think my father"s ever done that?"
I give Stevie a moment to call up my father"s image. Mr McDonnel, a flat-capped, no-nonsense Scotsman known for his gigantic size (six foot four, and eighteen stone, naked, not that anyone ever wanted to even imagine the man naked, he was scary enough in his clothes). He"s a hard, dour fisherman. He breaks chickens" necks with his bare hands. He courted my mum by taking pounds of knock-off black pudding to her mother"s house on a Sat.u.r.day teatime; his brother worked in a butcher"s. I remember my mum relaying this fact with such pride to a young me. I thought the pride was misplaced back then and I still think so now. Of course, Stevie would not be able to imagine my dad opening a poetry book as part of his seduction technique. I don"t want to imagine my parents" coital act at all, but if I have to I imagine the act was silent, perfunctory, distinctly unflowery.
"But then we married and all you wanted to do was go home and tell everyone." I sigh because I feel as defeated and exasperated as I did eleven years ago.
"Isn"t that the usual thing to do when you get married? Isn"t that the normal thing, Little Miss I-Aspire-To-Be-Normal?" asks Stevie. And now he does sound a bit peeved. Lost, maybe? Confused?
"Well, we hadn"t been normal, had we? We"d eloped. And the "normal" I aspire to is hosting dinner parties in Wimbledon, eating meals that require a cl.u.s.ter of knives and forks and discussing current affairs. Not three nights a week in the pub, big night out on Sat.u.r.day when you get sausage and chips at the chippie and eat them as you stagger home. I didn"t want to spend my life eating fish fingers off a tray on my lap, while watching TV. I didn"t want to wear a nylon tracksuit and look forward to Christmas when you"d buy me a piece of jewellery from the Argos catalogue."
"You"re a sn.o.b."
"Maybe. But I"m thirty years old now and I have to accept myself and my faults or just give up the ghost."
I could let the discussion drop. Stevie would for evermore think of me as a snooty cow who"s ashamed of her background. He"d probably hate me a little bit more but I wouldn"t have to delve any deeper. Or (the scary alternative) I could push through this awkwardness and try to explain the small print. I could be courageous and tell Stevie that my discontent was not about the lack of money but about something far more obscure and defining.
"Kirkspey makes me feel limited," I explain. "Hemmed in. Underused. They don"t expect much from me and when I"m with them I"m not much."
"They?"
"My family, my childhood friends, even the teachers. They didn"t expect much from me or anyone else for that matter. No one from Kirkspey believes anyone from Kirkspey can be anything at all. They are dead before they"ve lived. You didn"t see them as I did. It became impossible for me to imagine our life together."
"You saw me as one of them? A deadbeat?" he asks, with a perception I could have done without.
"Sometimes." He looks hurt and drains his milkshake. "Not always. But more and more often towards the end. You ignored my suggestions to move down south."
"We couldn"t afford it."
"The day you said we could move back to Kirkspey and live with your mum was particularly bleak."
"My mum"s a lovely lady," said Stevie, understandably defensive.
"She is, but it would have been such a terrible leap backwards for me."
"But there was work there."
"In the post office!"
"A steady income. I thought that was what you wanted."
"I still don"t know what I want."
But even back then I knew what I didn"t want. I didn"t want my children to grow up in a house where the white paintwork is yellowed with cigarette smoke and people use the loo as an ashtray so there are always stray f.a.gs floating in the water. I didn"t want a household where no one bothers to say "excuse me", "pardon" or "what?", let alone knows whether it"s to negotiate body s.p.a.ce, beg forgiveness for an embarra.s.sing bodily function or ask if a question can be repeated in a louder voice. I didn"t want my daughters to be considered unlucky. I didn"t want my sons to feel the need to mindlessly beat other women"s sons, just for something to do on a Friday night. It all seemed pagan. I just wanted things to be different.
"And now?" asks Stevie.
"Now, what?"
"Now do you see me as one of them? Do you see me as someone who would want to hold you back? Limit your potential?"
"For f.u.c.k"s sake, Stevie, you are an Elvis impersonator. You wear jewellery and flares. What makes you think you could ever show your face in Kirkspey local again? You"re not one of them. I was wrong about that."
Stevie smiles, a broad forgiving grin. He recognizes my backhanded compliment. His pleasure encourages me to be kinder.
"You"ve done really well, Stevie. I wish I"d had teachers like you when I was at school. And the Elvis thing"s turned out OK, hasn"t it? Don"t get me wrong, I still fundamentally disbelieve in what you are trying to achieve. Why be an imitation when-"
"Stop, stop, quit while you"re ahead," Stevie laughs. "Please don"t pour any cold water on the compliment. Leave me with the warm glow."
We smile at one another and I feel a great sense of relief. Telling Stevie how I felt, and why I acted as I did, is a stupendous release. I had not realized that I was so burdened by guilt and shame until now. Now I feel a tiny bit calmer. Stevie"s relationship to me is a little bit straighter and clearer: he"s an ex and I"ve just articulated all the reasons why he"s an ex. I feel such a surge of wellbeing that I stretch out my hand and grab his. I squeeze it tightly, hoping he"ll understand how I feel. I hope that somehow he sees that there has been a monumental shift.
"About last night, Belinda."
"Do we have to talk about it?" I ask. I mean, one step at a time.
"I think we do," says Stevie who is obviously keen for quantum leaps.
"I"m so sorry, Stevie, but I don"t want to." It terrifies me that last night Stevie kissed me, and not only did I kiss a man other than my husband but I kissed a man who is my other husband.
And I liked it.
Very much.
I don"t want to lose Philip but I can"t quite let Stevie go. Of course my actions are stupendously flawed. Kissing Stevie is a direct route to losing Phil, and signing decree absolute papers is the sort of thing you do when you are letting go. I can"t have both men but will one of them ever be enough?
"I need to, Belinda. I"m totally thrown. Here"s the thing. Last night Laura looked sensational. She looked more-"
"More beautiful than I did." I help him out. Of course she did, that had been my plan. I didn"t want him to notice me because I knew I was unlikely to resist the onslaught of his attention.
"Different. She always looks lovely but last night she was beautiful. And she"s easier going than you. She"s not married to someone else. She"s not even married to me, for G.o.d"s sake. And yet in the garden all I wanted was you." Stevie pulls his hand out of mine and his head sinks into his hands. For one really awful minute I think he might cry. "I didn"t want to fall in love with you again. But it"s you. It"s always been you. But then... it can"t be you because although we"re married, you"re off limits. We"re getting divorced."
The pain and pleasure of hearing Stevie say this explodes inside my head and heart simultaneously. It"s a rush of emotions and I"m unable to fathom which is dominant and where the feelings were launched from. d.a.m.n, just when I was making some progress. Is it as clear-cut as my head fighting my heart? I don"t think so. I think my heart is fighting a savage civil war and my head is a barbarous, invading foreigner. I rush round the table and bend down to wrap his sad bulk in my arms.
Then, when I think things cannot possibly get any more fraught and confused, I hear a familiar voice boom, "h.e.l.lo, my loves. Who would have b.l.o.o.d.y believed it? After all these years, who would have thought it?"
38. Devil in Disguise.
Stevie.
The situation is out of my control and even out of the seemingly all-governing control of Bella Edwards because the secret is no longer our little secret.
In vivid technicolour he lumbers through the diner towards us. He"s beaming at the serendipity of our meeting; Belinda and I only see the face of the Grim Reaper.
"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, me loves. Stevie, me lad! Belinda! I wouldn"t have known you, la.s.s. You"ve gone skinny. How b.l.o.o.d.y brilliant to see you both."
Neil Curran slaps me on the back, hugs Belinda and then, in a rare moment of northern man showing affection, hugs me too. Belinda and I rise from our compromising position and accept the hugs but our tongues freeze. Neil Curran, never the most observant of men, doesn"t notice our silence.
"How many years must it be now?" he asks. "Six? Seven?"
"Eight," mutters Belinda. I feel very sorry for her. There"s no opportunity to pull on her poker face. The expression she"s wearing shows that she"s completely distraught and out of options.
"And is that a wedding ring I see?" laughs Neil, grabbing hold of Belinda"s left hand. "Nice." He lets out a low and long whistle, "A carat. You must have done well for yourself, Stevie. All of that off an Elvis tribute act"s salary? I"m impressed." Neil"s vulgar reference to the cost of Belinda"s ring is not meant to be offensive; it"s supposed to be the opposite. Of course, under the circ.u.mstances it"s pretty vile. I thought I"d stopped being bitter a long time ago that Belinda rarely wore my plain gold band.
"Any kiddies?"
"No", Belinda and I chorus quickly. I look at her, waiting for a signal as to what we should do next. She struggles to take control of the situation by turning the conversation away from us and focusing on Neil. I suppose, the less we say about ourselves the fewer lies we"ll have to tell.
"So, Neil, Neil Curran," she repeats his name and credit where it"s due she does a plausible impression of being pleased to see him and overwhelmed by the coincidence of meeting him. The latter sentiment requires less acting talent, of course. "After all these years you haven"t changed a bit," she says, turning on the charm. If I remember correctly, she never actually liked the man. She thought he was a slimy t.o.s.s.e.r. "What are you up to nowadays?"
"Still the same stuff, Bel-Girl." Belinda shrivels a fraction on hearing the nickname he"d given her several years back. I"ve always thought it was rather witty on a number of levels she always hated it. "That"s right, same stuff. It"s in the blood, isn"t it? Elvis, s...o...b..z the whole shebang. It"s in y" blood. You know that, with your Stevie. Still doing the circuit after a decade. Bet you didn"t imagine that way back when?"
"No," says Belinda, drily. "So, are you here for the Greatest European Tribute Artist Convention and Compet.i.tion?" Somehow she manages to inject enthusiasm into the question.
"Of course. I"m the compere. I saw the list of finalists and your name, Stevie. But I wasn"t sure it was you, lad. Common name, Stevie Jones, might have been one of a number," says Neil. "You haven"t been so big on the UK scene for quite some time now, have you, Stevie? Didn"t know what you were up to. Have you been earning your cash abroad? This your comeback gig?"
"Something like that," I mutter.
"Very appropriate, lad. The King himself did exactly the same thing in Vegas on July the thirty-first, in nineteen sixty-nine. He performed at the Hilton, an off-Strip hotel that depended on the showroom as its major draw. Hundreds were turned away almost every night, even though there were two shows. One at eight in the evening and another at midnight."
I know everything Neil is telling me about Elvis and he probably knows that but he likes the sound of his own voice far too much to shut up. Besides, he"s clearly had a few too many already and makes the mistake most drunks make: he thinks what he has to say is fascinating. I tune out and spend a few moments in unprofitable panic worrying about the things I"ve just said to Belinda, the fact that last night we kissed and the fact that someone from our past is here, very much in our present. I look at Belinda and I figure that she"s doing the same. She"s alabaster white.
"Have you had a flutter?" he asks.
"Small one," I confirm.
"What about you, Bel-Girl? I"d have you down as a bit of a secret gambler. The quiet ones are always the worst." Neil nudges me in the ribs.