I Am Really A Superstar

Translator: Legge Editor: Legge
Onstage.

The spotlights shone. Everyone had their attention on the two who were about to come on stage.

Although it was only a dress rehearsal today, all of the cameras, lights, stage effects, and staff were exactly as they would be for the actual Spring Festival Gala event to be held on the first day of the Spring Festival. Other than the audience being different, everything else was kept as it would be for the event. For Zhang Ye, this was his first time performing crosstalk at such a large-scale gala, so he felt rather awed. It was the same for Yao Jiancai since this would be his first time appearing on a Spring Festival Gala and his first time rehearsing for it. Old Yao even appeared to be rather nervous at all of this.

Applause rang out.

Xiao Lu, Dafei, and the others also made a lot of effort to clap as loud as they could.

Even the station head was smiling as she clapped. The atmosphere at the venue was almost similar to that of the actual day of the Spring Festival Gala.

Only then did Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai step up on stage, walking past Dong Shanshan and the male host. Dong Shanshan even gave him a smile as they pa.s.sed each other. The earlier delivery of the hosts" lines was not made known to Zhang Ye prior, as they made a subtle jab at Zhang Ye between the two performances.

However, how would someone like Zhang Ye take this lying down just like that? No one had expected it, but he began his counterattack the moment he got on stage.

Yao Jiancai had just positioned himself in front of the microphone and delivered his lines with a wide smile, as per his discussion with Zhang Ye earlier. "Happy New Year, everyone!"

But Zhang Ye"s first sentence had already deviated from the script. He looked angrily to the left and the right and said, "Don"t be so anxious to do your New Year greetings. Where is the security team? Where"s the security team?"

Yao Jiancai was stunned. "Why are you calling security?"

Zhang Ye turned around and faced Dong Shanshan and the other host. "Take them away!"

Everyone watching immediately laughed when they heard this.

Dong Shanshan adorably winked at him several times.

The male host was taken aback a little as he threw his hands up to plead innocence.

Yao Jiancai asked, "What have they done that you want them to be taken away?"

Zhang Ye returned, "What did they mean by saying that "those two always seem to get into trouble"? Who were they referring to?"

Yao Jiancai laughed. "That"s right! We never get in trouble!"

Zhang Ye spoke in a serious tone, "When we get introduced in the future, please remove the words "seem to"!"

"Ah? That means we always get into trouble?" Yao Jiancai sighed.

Dong Shanshan giggled!

The male host couldn"t hold in his laughter either!

Everyone in the audience also laughed.

Chang Xiaoliang knew that this couldn"t have been prearranged and was definitely a spontaneous reaction from the two crosstalk comedians. He couldn"t refrain from offering his praise. "His reaction was too quick, dropping those jokes on the spot onstage!"

The a.s.sistant director added, "Teacher Yao also took the joke well. They"re indeed seasoned partners, so understanding of each other."

Xiao Lu clapped excitedly!

After such an opening, Yao Jiancai finally became more relaxed and was no longer as tense. He had been brought into performance mode by Zhang Ye"s joke, which made him feel a little ashamed of himself. He might be much older than Zhang Ye, but when they were onstage, he still had to depend on Zhang Ye to dictate their rhythm.

Offstage.

Someone from the approval board said, "Look at Weibo, there are people criticizing Zhang Ye right now."

Another staff member said, "Yeah, even our Beijing TV was dragged in and criticized as well."

"It"s that group of people who are siding with Tang Dazhang again."

"Some people from the Central TV Spring Festival Gala program team have also joined in."

"Those people really don"t know when to stop, do they?"

"What does all this have to do with them? Does it affect them so much who we invite onto our show? Why do they care so much?"

A lot of people knew in advance that today was just going to be a dress rehearsal, so Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai were just going to put on a "fake performance" and just randomly say anything they wanted. Even if they stood onstage and said nothing to just pa.s.s the time, or if they performed an old crosstalk they"d done before, all of it would be fine. The intention of the rehearsal was just to let them get a feel of the venue and duration of their performance, so there was no need to get all serious about it. As such, most of the people did not take this seriously either, with some of them checking their cell phones and others whispering to discuss Zhang Ye"s denouncement by the people from Central TV and the crosstalk world.

But very quickly, everyone"s attention was pulled back to the stage. This was due to them realizing that Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai were actually doing a new crosstalk performance in all seriousness!

Yao Jiancai reminded, "Don"t get distracted by other things and let"s give the audience our New Year greetings first."

But Zhang Ye wore a listless look. "OK."

Yao Jiancai looked at him and said, "Your greetings?"

Zhang Ye mulled over it for a bit. "Mmm."

"Are you still sleeping or what? So many people have already performed already and they were so exciting to watch too. Why do you still look so listless?"

Zhang Ye smirked and then nudged his chin toward backstage. "You"re referring to the acrobatics from earlier?"

"Yes, it was a really good performance."

"What"s so good about that acrobatics performance? It"s only child"s play! I saw an acrobatics performance on Central TV"s Spring Festival Gala before. That"s what you call a performance!"

Central TV"s Spring Festival Gala?

Why are you bringing up Central TV"s Spring Festival Gala?

Everyone was stunned.

Yao Jiancai asked, "What did they perform?"

Zhang Ye gestured wildly. "There was a girl who led a tiger around on stage. Then she held a piece of candy between her lips and the tiger came over with its mouth wide open to peck the candy away from her!"

Yao Jiancai was shocked. "Ah? A tiger? Peck a piece of candy away?"

"Yes."

"Isn"t that really exciting to watch then?"

Zhang Ye snorted. "What"s so exciting about it?"

"But it should be really exciting to watch!"

Zhang Ye cut him off. "What"s so exciting about that? I can do it too!"

Yao Jiancai was taken aback by this claim. "You can do it too?"

"Yes, I can do it too!"

"Then why don"t you do it and show us?"

"I"ll do it if you insist." Zhang Ye raised his hand and beckoned for someone to come over. "Someone, please lead that tiger away!"

The crowd was stunned.

Yao Jiancai finally reacted and said, "Nonsense! I can also perform with that girl!"

Zhang Ye quickly said, "I called dibs, so I get to do it first!"

Yao Jiancai said, "Who"s arguing with you?!"

Everyone in the audience all burst out laughing at this moment. "Hahahahaha!"

So you were actually referring to yourself pecking the candy away!?

Hou Ge and Hou Di were slapping their thighs as they laughed!

Executive Director Chang Xiaoliang was also keeled over in laughter.

The station head and several station executives also laughed so hard that they couldn"t open their eyes!

Yao Jiancai declared, "I think I get it. Have you been in a bad mood recently?"

Zhang Ye chuckled. "It would be a wonder if my mood was good. Things have always been rough for me since I was young. I"ve never succeeded in anything I did."

Yao Jiancai said, "It takes time to become successful."

Zhang Ye gestured. "I"ve always been learning since I was young, always reading books."

"That"s a good thing."

"The ancients said it well. A book holds a face as smooth as jade."

Yao Jiancai exclaimed, "Ah? What about the houses of gold?"

Zhang Ye gave him a look. "What are the houses of gold?"

"A book holds a house of gold."

Zhang Ye nodded. "Oh, what you"re saying makes sense too. Without a house of gold, where would the ladies stay?"

Yao Jiancai blurted, "Were you only aiming to get the ladies when you were reading your books?"

Zhang Ye looked at him as if he were a fool. "Of course, why else would anyone read?"

Yao Jiancai was almost speechless by now. "Hey oh, so you were only reading because of that? Just what sort of books have you been reading!"

"I"ll return them to you later."

"When did I lend you any books?"

Quite a number of people in the audience were having a great time!

"Pfft…hahahaha!"

"Don"t talk to me, let me laugh it off for the next ten minutes!"

"Aiyo, how amusing!"

Weren"t they just supposed to be saying whatever?

Wasn"t it supposed to be a "fake performance"?

Why did these two churn out a new crosstalk performance then!?

Dafei was furiously whistling in the audience, ignoring whoever was giving him looks!

Zhang Ye sighed. "I wasn"t successful when I was young, but even after growing up, I still wasn"t successful."

"What happened after you grew up?"

"I"m not as capable and can"t compete with others. Just look at that one crosstalk comedian who managed to get onto Central TV"s Spring Festival Gala." Zhang Ye then became more careful with his words. "But let"s not mention any names or say who he is."

Yao Jiancai nodded. "Right, there"s no need to mention names."

Zhang Ye stated, "It"s that Tang Dade who is about 1.8 meters tall and can fill up a box and a half with his ashes, 47 years old, male, and born on June 2nd. His citizen ID card number is 330…"

Yao Jiancai jumped in shock. "Whoa! Didn"t you say not to mention any names? But you"ve even read out his citizen ID card number!"

Aiyo! Everyone was cramping up with laughter!

Tang Dade?

Tang Dazhang?

Pfft! It"s starting again! Zhang Ye the Trickster was at it again!

Zhang Ye said, "Just look at how famous that person is. He has fame and can earn money so easily. When he goes to the countryside to perform, he only needs to say a few words."

"A few words?"

"Yes, just a few words. For example, if he goes to Taiyuan, he only needs to sing "Taiyuan, oh, Taiyuan, my hometown," then bow before getting off the stage and that"s it. But he"s actually not a Taiyuan native at all. So when he goes to Jinan, it"s the same thing as well. He sings "Jinan, oh, Jinan, my hometown," then bows before getting off the stage again. He only needs to do that and he receives his payment. How easy can it get!"

Yao Jiancai blinked and asked, "Then what if he goes to Jiamusi?"

"It will be the same. "Jiamusi, oh, Jiamusi, my hometown.""

"If he goes to Ürümqi?"

Zhang Ye sang, "Ürümqi, oh, Ürümqi, my hometown."

Yao Jiancai pondered for a moment before trying to trick him. "What if he goes to Buenos Aires?"

There were already some audience members starting to laugh!

Zhang Ye was a little startled before he began to sing, "Bueno…Bue…Ahem…" Then, with a wave of his hands, he smirked and said, "Don"t worry, a comedian like him won"t be able to go international!"

Yao Jiancai laughed. "That"s true. It"s not possible with a crosstalk routine like that."

"Don"t you look down on him. With that crosstalk routine of his, if he were to say it over and over for all of his life, do you know how many people would have already heard of it? Do you know how many prostate disease sufferers he has already cured?"

"Ah? Prostate disease sufferers?"

"When he"s performing crosstalk, he"s actually healing the sick. With that mouth of his, all prostate disease sufferers immediately p.i.s.s their pants from laughing."

"Ah?"

"That"s why I don"t go and listen to Tang Dade"s live crosstalk routines."

"Why not?"

Zhang Ye spelled out, "Because I can"t swim! I would definitely drown on the spot!"

At this moment, everyone in the audience realized that Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai must have seen those Weibo posts before they got up on stage!

Xiao Lu laughed, "Wahahahaha!"

Several of the cameramen were also laughing so hard that they nearly cried!

Hu Fei didn"t know whether to laugh or cry. When I told you and Yao Jiancai to say whatever you wanted, that wasn"t what I meant! It was just a figure of speech!

But you"re really taking it seriously now?

You"re really f.u.c.king saying whatever you want!?

Zhang Ye was really letting himself loose this time. Since it was going to be a fake performance, then it wouldn"t matter what he said. As a result, he didn"t have to hold back. And frankly, he was just here to have fun today. He only needed to satisfy himself by saying whatever he wanted. On the day of Beijing Television"s Spring Festival Gala, he would surely not be allowed to perform such a crosstalk, but if it were a private affair like now, who would care?

However, unknown to everyone else at the venue, there was someone who was recording the whole thing.

That person was trembling with excitement as he stood in the corner. He could never have expected that a fake performance during a dress rehearsal would actually be so full of content. He could no longer hold back and immediately posted the audio recording secretly onto the Internet!