Chapter 256: The Secret of a Lady’s Heart
Translator: EndlessFantasy Translation Editor: EndlessFantasy Translation
Shangguan Lingxiu came to Mistress Yang’s grave and set up incenses, candles, and the rest of the offerings. She did not speak, however, standing there quietly. It was after a long, long time that she poured a whole pot of wine before the grave and said softly, "Sister Juan’er, I miss you so much."
She sighed silently and said, "Rest in peace, I shan’t speak ill of Yang Botao in front of you. If your blessed spirit is still here, come to my dreams; let us sisters talk again."
She stood just like that, not leaving, despite having spoken words of farewell. She heaved another long sigh.
"All of you, retreat. Wait for me after the hill, let me stay here alone for a bit."
Both her guards nodded their agreement and went on their way.
Seeing that her guards were further away, Shangguan Lingxiu sighed once more.
From what Yun Yang could see, Shangguan Lingxiu seemed to have lost all her energy as she slowly sat by Mistress Yang’s grave.
"Sister Juan’er, you’re supposedly much older than me and it’s honestly an overstep for me to call you sister but that is how the Shangguan Family’s seniority works. If I’d call you aunty and all, that wouldn’t be proper. When we gathered the other day, you teased me so much just because you’re the older sister. If I were any younger, you would have bullied me to no end."
A gentle sense of longing painted Shangguan Lingxiu’s expression. She hugged her knees sitting before the grave as a rare tinge of softness colored her face; she looked unusually pitiful and indescribably lonesome. There was also an occasional hint of indirectness that belonged specifically to girls – the mannerism was hard to put into words.
Yun Yang felt his heart tremble as he watched the scene.
It was the first time that Yun Yang had seen the gentle softness of a girl in this lady from the family of generals.
"When we talked, I’ve never spoken any words from the bottom of my heart… Honestly, I’m unable to, I can’t… I have no one to spill them to in this world, I can only talk about this here now; I hope you don’t blame me for this…"
"Just a few days ago when we were chatting, you were telling me to quickly find in-laws and fix my marriage." Shangguan Lingxiu looked at the white clouds floating in the sky and said sorrowfully, "I told you that I had no such intentions even after you tried to persuade me for so long…"
"However, in the Shangguan Family of Generals, those who are aged are already old while the young ones are too young. I’m the only one who can at least shoulder the family burdens. If I were to get married, what should happen to all the people at home?"
"You asked me if I had someone I fancied… You said that a woman’s life is only complete when she’s married and has children. Did you think I was unaware of the reasoning of your words? It wasn"t only you; grandma, eldest aunt, mother and the rest kept telling me this too…"
Shangguan Lingxiu murmured softly, "However, the Shangguan Family can’t do without me now… Grandma and the rest look like they’re still tough and well now but I know… I know that they can’t hold out for long. Even when they could physically, their hearts are long exhausted… I can feel the urge to fade away in each and every one of them…"
"The previous mention of the family of generals’ case – despite the truth prevailing, it only crushed them even more. I used to think that a dead heart is only a metaphor but I see now that a person’s heart can really be so devoid of life!"
"I’m the only one left in the younger generation of the generals. I can’t just see the Shangguan Family of Generals fade away like this…"
"Even though I’m a female, I also bear the family name of Shangguan after all…"
"I’m twenty-one this year… The girls I used to play with have all married, their lives happy. They sometimes visit me with their children too… Those little tykes are adorable but I…"
"As for the person I like… which girl doesn’t have a person they like? It’s a pity that I…"
"You remember Marquis of Heavenly Clouds’ Young Master Yun?" Shangguan Lingxiu’s voice dropped to a whisper. "He has helped me so much in this period of time… He’s not at all the popinjay the rumors make him out to be. He’s really, really kind, and a very, very good man…"
"Yun Yang… He’s worthy of any girl entrusting the rest of their life to him…"
"Sister Juan’er, you know how straightforward I am. If I weren’t a Shangguan Family’s girl, if my father or brothers were still here, I would have told him long ago. No matter if it comes to fruition, whether he likes me or not, I would tell him directly. If he doesn’t like me, I’d let go and just like him myself; I won’t force him to like me… But if he likes me too, then we could get together…"
"But my ident.i.ty doesn’t allow me to do so. He’s so splendid, so n.o.ble; he’s dauntless but considerate, unflinching yet gentle. I believe there must be many girls who like him as well… and I can’t do anything, I can only watch from afar. Perhaps one day, I’ll watch him marry some other girl with my own eyes and be together forever while I can only watch from afar."
"My nephews are still so young. When they’ve really grown and could shoulder the responsibilities of this household, it’s going to be seven or eight years later and I’d be almost thirty by then…"
"Ladies who aren’t married by the age of thirty in the Empire of Yutang… they’re too scarce throughout the many years. Even if my feelings remain the same, how can I hope that he is also single? I shouldn’t have such indulgent thoughts…"
"Sister Juan’er… can you understand the suffering of my heart?"
There were two soft pattering sounds, those were Shangguan Lingxiu’s tears that had dropped quietly to the ground.
"No matter how tough I act, I’m still a girl…" Shangguan Lingxiu said softly, "You said before that a woman will only be tougher once the heart belongs to someone, will only know what happiness means… but all these don’t belong to me. They’re simply out of reach for me…"
"Now that your soul rests in peace, it is ultimately at ease; you don’t have to care for a thing anymore… Even if Marshal Yang carries the worst reputation, you can’t hear them at all. Actually, the hard days were only these few days in your life… then they ended forever… Although such life is not perfect, it’s enviable – at least, I’m envious of it!"
"Because I have to keep holding out, shouldering and toiling. I knew that there’s no end but I have to clench my teeth and carry on. I have to put up a cold front before the eyes of others, like a man… I have no one to tell of the weakness in my heart, I have no one to lean against…"
"After today, I won’t speak of these to anyone ever again."
"I don’t know how many people there are in this world, the crowd that buzzes in Tiantang City every day, so tightly packed… yet I’ve always felt so lonely like there’s only me who walks alone on this earth."
"I’m alone. I don’t know where the goal is, I don’t know where the front lies, I don’t know also where the end is… Day after day, I remain so lonely, and it feels like I"ve been that way forever…"
"Sister Juan’er, it’s so painful."
Her voice grew softer but the sound of teardrops pitter-pattering on the ground grew stronger.
Yun Yang, who had hidden behind a tree, could not help feeling a bitter ache engulf his heart.
She was right, there was really no one woman who was as lonely and weighted down as Shangguan Lingxiu currently – to have to support what she had single-handedly, to have the entire family’s responsibilities dropped onto this weak lady…
She could not put the weight down, she could not support it, she could not hold out – but she had to go on… taking shaky baby steps forward with all the strength she could muster.
There was simply no room nor possibility for her to think of her marriage – the main affair of her final settlement in life.
Thinking about it would only yield a mental picture!
It was only when the youngest generation of this family could stand on their own feet that Shangguan Lingxiu could be freed!
Yun Yang sighed inwardly.
Time pa.s.sed fast; an hour had slipped away just like this.
Shangguan Lingxiu stood up. Her tall frame stood dolefully for a while before she bowed formally and left. After a dozen steps and a turn, she took in a deep breath and rubbed her eyes. Abruptly, she puffed her chest and recovered the indomitable confidence of the daughter from the family of generals, leaving with large strides.
She was a general who stepped onto the battlefield, sharp and resolute!
Her steps were unwavering, her form spirited.
Watching Shangguan Lingxiu’s slim figure get further, watching as she faced the world with that cold front – the fort.i.tude that paralleled a man’s, Yun Yang just watched quietly, exclaiming and sighing inwardly.
This lady did not have it easy!
If Yun Yang were an ordinary man or maybe if he was more softhearted, he might have run over to confess, share her feelings, or even clap to make a noise. After all, that was the common expression of a person!
In spite of it, Yun Yang kept his silence and did not move from his spot.
He did not know what he could say by stepping out – what he could have done.
Honestly, Yun Yang had never thought the slightest bit about his marriage. Speaking of which, he paled in comparison to Shangguan Lingxiu or Ji Lingxi; those two ladies at least knew what they wanted and only circ.u.mstances had held them back from acting on their desires.
Yun Yang really had no thoughts about it.
Yun Yang thought nothing of Ji Lingxi who had left, he thought nothing too of Shangguan Lingxiu now. His entire line of thinking was about revenge.
Since the day Yun Yang had revived inexplicably, only a ferociously stubborn sense of conviction filled his mind – his older brothers had all died and he was the only one who survived. It was already too late for him to seek revenge, how would he have the time to muse about romance and love? If he had done so, was he still human?
Even if a hundred years pa.s.sed, what dignity would he have to go down and meet his brothers with?
Yet watching Shangguan Lingxiu leaving in a state of melancholy, Yun Yang could feel his heart being weighed down.
Should he catch up to her and comfort her?
Forget it. It was the Four Seasons Tower he was against – the most terrifying colossal force of the entire Tianxuan Continent. Who knew he might just die on any given day? Since he was not capable enough to give the lady any kind of promise, it would be uncouth to tantalize her and give her false hope!