Chapter 206: I don"t want to only receive something from you, I want to be someone who can do things for you
Shishio looked at Shiina, who was crying. He could only feel his heart was very heavy, wondering how many times he would make a girl cry. He had to admit that love was a very troublesome feeling, but his feeling toward Shiina was quite special. Even though he knew it wasn"t love, he really cared for her. Even though he knew that it was bad, he had some expectations that she could change him and make him forget about his past, but he felt that he was forcing his feelings over her, but it was different now since two girls had replaced her place now.
Shishio somehow just couldn"t look straight at Shiina when he thought about what he had done in the past few days.
Neither of them might be dating each other, but their relationship was very close to each other. Still, Shishio didn"t want to be full of himself and took it for granted that she had a feeling toward him, and somehow, if possible, he just wanted her to slap at him and shout that he was a liar, but he knew that she wouldn"t do that.
Shishio forced himself to look at Shiina and tried to act as calmly as possible. It was so uncomfortable for him, but he knew that it was even more uncomfortable for Shiina, so he needed to force himself to face their feelings without running away.
Shishio took a deep breath, tried to calm himself, looked at Shiina, and asked, "You"re not going to slap me?"
"Why?" Shiina looked at Shishio with a confused expression.
Shishio looked at Shiina for a moment and asked, "Do you want to talk?"
Shiina looked at Shishio for a moment and nodded. "Um." Then without hesitation, she entered, even though she felt her inside was very stuffy and it made her hard to breathe, the thought that she might lose him was several times worse than something that she felt right now, so without hesitation, she entered his room to start their conversation.
Two girls entered his room one after another in just a night, and Shishio somehow really wanted to sleep, but he knew that he couldn"t since he needed to solve this matter in front of him first.
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Shishio and Shiina sat while facing each other, but no words came out from their mouths.
Shishio wasn"t sure what to say to Shiina. Should he say sorry? He couldn"t say that since that meant he regretted what he was doing. If he did that, he would let down the feelings of both Saki and Nana, who had trusted him, but at the same time, he also knew that even though he didn"t say it directly to his mouth, and even though Shiina might not understand her feeling toward him, it was very clear what she felt.
In truth, everything was so simple, he had rejected Shiina"s feelings, and that was all, nothing else, nothing more, but with everything that had happened, could something be so simple?
"You know... it"s a time like this that I wish I could come up with an appropriate response. I hate myself for not being able to reply properly," Shishio said. He looked at Shiina, who was looking at him, and unlike her usual daze expression, she was looking at him straight without dodging, waiting for the answer to her question. He knew that he also needed to do the same thing. He faced Shiina, looking at her straight without looking away, and said, "Mashiro, I know that I"ve disappointed you, but I"ve dated someone now." He might say to Misaki that it was alright to run away, but he didn"t want to run away, he was a man, and he needed to face his problems properly.
Shiina"s lips trembled, and she wanted to say something, but no words came out for a while, and tears kept dripping from her eyes. She remembered his words that told her that he needed to say goodbye to someone, but suddenly out of nowhere, he had dated someone. She knew that even though he didn"t have an obligation to answer her feelings, she felt betrayed, but she held her heart, then after a moment, she asked, "What am I to you, Shishio?"
Shishio looked at Shiina and said, "You know, out of all the girls that I know, you might be the only one that I can be true with. You know my insecurity that I"ve never told anyone, and you have even told me that you"d help me, so I"m sorry, Mashiro. Even though you"ve never said anything to me, and even though we have never been clear about what our relationship is, you must be disappointed to know that I have dated someone right now."
Shiina looked at Shishio, who faced herself, and asked, "Do you like Saki?"
Shishio smiled bitterly and said, "You know, Mashiro. Sometimes, I wonder whether you pretend that you don"t understand anything and try to test me, but I know that you"re not like that, and you just simply want to know, right?"
Shiina nodded gently after hearing Shishio"s words.
"I know the truth might not be the most beautiful, but I"ll tell you that I date two girls. Not only do I date Saki, but I also date Nana. I date both of them at the same time," Shishio said. He didn"t have the proud feeling when he told the truth that he was dating two girls at the same time, and even if he was happy, he knew that something that he had done wasn"t something that could be appreciated by a lot of people, and that included Shiina in front of him.
Shiina didn"t frown or get angry. Rather she asked, "Are you doing it secretly, or do they know each other?"
Shishio was surprised by Shiina"s response, looked at her for a moment, and said, "They know each other, and they have accepted this relationship."
"Do they know that you can"t love someone?" Shiina asked.
"Yes." Shishio nodded and said, "They know that I can"t love them, but they have accepted it."
Shiina took a deep breath and said, "Then date me too."
"....."
Shishio was at a loss at that moment, he thought that he might be slapped or punched, but suddenly he confessed to Shiina.
Looking at his expression, Shiina said, "I have told you that I"ll help you, but I"ve never done anything to you, so I"ll date you too. That way, I can help you." Her thought was pretty simple, and she thought that by dating him like both Saki and Nana, she might be able to help him, or rather she might be desperate since she didn"t want to lose him. As Ritsu had said before, she might take his presence as something granted, his smile, his food, his gentleness, his everything. She took all of them for granted and thought that he would be by her side forever, but in truth, he was already with someone else, and on his side, there wasn"t her, but someone else.
However, when Shiina heard that she didn"t date only one girl, but two girls and the two girls had accepted each other"s relationship. They had accepted that relationship, so what was she afraid of? She also didn"t really care what other people thought, and she just followed her will. This was what she wanted to do. She wanted to be with him, not with someone else. She wanted her to be part of his life, to be the one who helped him and the girl that he loved.
Shishio was at a loss, wondering whether Shiina what she was saying, and said, "You know, I"ve hurt you."
Shiina looked at Shishio and said, "But you didn"t lie to me. You have always faced me with your true feelings, and I like that. It might hurt when I knew that you had dated Saki and Nana, but the time that we have spent together isn"t all about the painful memories. There are a lot of wonderful things that you"ve given me."
People often forgot about the kindness that people gave, but they always remembered the fault of someone even though it was only a small one, but Shiina wasn"t someone like that, her way of thought was special, and she knew that Shishio had given her a lot of things. Even though he might have hurt her, she knew that he didn"t have an obligation to answer her feelings, and she knew that he didn"t love her, so what was his reason to confess to her, which was why she was the one who needed to act, she was the one who needed to chase after him.
"When I was confused by my surroundings and my future, you"d told me that everything would be alright. When I felt uncomfortable, you pat my head, when I felt hungry, you bought me Baumkuchen, when I was unsure about what I was doing, you told me that you would support me. You"ve always been there for me, so let me do the same. I want to be by your side, help you, and support you." Shiina held Shishio"s hands gently and said, "I don"t want to only receive something from you. I want to be someone who can do things for you. I don"t want you to treat me like a child. I want to be your girlfriend, so stay with me forever. I"ll make you happy, Shishio."
"I..." Shishio had never thought that someone could say something like that to him. It felt like his heart was so warm, and this gentleness made his heart so full that it almost burst out from his chest, but...
Shishio couldn"t say anything since Shiina moved forward and kissed his lips. Her kiss was so clumsy, and she didn"t know what to do, only pressing her lips against his, and it was so awkward, but strangely enough, it didn"t feel uncomfortable, and it was so enjoyable. He hugged her waist gently then slowly taught her how to do the right kiss.
Moved by her instincts, Shiina subconsciously moved her hands around his neck, kissing him deeper, trying to engrave her feelings into his heart. Shishio hugged her so tight that it made her hard to breathe, but she didn"t push him away. Rather, she wanted him to hug her tighter so they could become one.
They might not use their tongues, might not be the best one, but it was the kiss that they might remember for their entire life.
Then they parted their lips, and Shiina continued to hug him tightly. "I don"t want to be loved out of sympathy, even though you might not be able to fully give all of your heart to me. I hope someday I can hear the words "I love you" from your mouth."
Shishio buried his face on Shiina"s shoulders for a moment, closed his eyes, trying to control her emotion that almost burst at this moment, and said softly, "Thank you, Mashiro."
Shiina smiled gently, and both of them hugged each other for a moment until she asked, "Can we sleep together?"
Shishio looked at Shiina for a while and nodded. "Yes, but you should go back to your room in the morning since it"ll cause a lot of trouble."
"Um." Shiina nodded, but in truth, she didn"t think too much since she was just happy that she could sleep with him. She then laid on Shishio"s bed and looked at him with antic.i.p.ation, patting the free s.p.a.ce beside her. "Sleep beside me."
"....."
Shishio didn"t think too much and slept right next to Shiina. He then cuddled her into his arms, which caused her to cuddle her back, and showed a bright smile on her face.
Shiina looked at Shishio and said, "Good night, Shishio."
"Good night, Mashiro." Shishio gave Shiina a kiss on her forehead, which made her smile again, before she made herself comfortable, closed her eyes, and slept, feeling that his side might be the most comfortable place that she had felt.
Watching her sleeping face as Shishio was about to sleep, he knew that he could love her surely.