The lights were on and there were muted sounds coming from inside the rental home, but the guys weren"t in the living room. I didn"t hear the talking or laughing I"d expected, and I worried my bottom lip as I crept silently toward the bedroom I was sharing with Declan. Thoughts of what the silence could mean sent the guilt tearing through my stomach again, and my hands began shaking as I prepared to admit to everything.
But Declan didn"t start yelling accusations as soon as I saw him. He didn"t demand to know why I hadn"t told him of my night with Jentry-even though I hadn"t known before tonight who my night had been with. He just gave me a confused look, then focused on changing into something more comfortable, as if it took every ounce of his concentration.
"Why didn"t you tell me?" he finally asked.
Declan"s eyes were still locked on the floor, and I was thankful for it when mine immediately filled with tears. Again, it felt like the air had been knocked out of me, and I struggled to suck in shallow breaths. I didn"t know what to say or how to explain myself. . . .
Again, I didn"t even know Jentry"s real name before tonight.
"Dec-"
He laughed, but it sounded off. When he looked up, he didn"t meet my eyes right away. He looked around the room slowly, then back to me. "I don"t know why this is p.i.s.sing me off so much. It was before I met you, but knowing that you were looking for some other guy the night we met is tearing me up. All I keep thinking about is . . ." He trailed off, and I blinked quickly in an attempt to dry my eyes.
Declan didn"t know about Jentry.
"I just keep thinking that if I hadn"t talked to you, that if I had just given your shoes back and left you alone, then you would"ve ended up with someone else." Another mocking laugh blew past his lips. "That night . . . that"s the kind of night that I thought we would tell our kids about one day. The way I met you, it wasn"t how I pictured meeting the girl I would end up falling in love with, but it was perfect for us. Now all I can think is that it was supposed to be someone else. That our entire relationship was supposed to be yours with someone else."
"No, Declan, no. It wasn"t."
He shook his head slowly and shrugged. "It"s ridiculous, but it"s going through my mind on repeat." Declan huffed, and ran a hand agitatedly through his hair. "For Christ"s sake, I"m unreasonably jealous of some guy, and I don"t even know who he is, Rorie!"
"How did you expect me to tell you?" I asked, and hated that there were tears streaming down my face. I was positive that if it hadn"t involved a guy somewhere in that house, I wouldn"t have been crying. "That isn"t something you tell your boyfriend!"
"Maybe not right away, but . . ." Declan hesitated, and I watched his shoulders sag. "I don"t know, Rorie. I don"t know. Honestly, I don"t even want to know. If it"s driving me this crazy to know that I only met you because you went back to find another guy, then I don"t want to know the rest." He walked past me, headed toward the door leading to the hall, but stopped before he left the room. "I had a life before I met you, and I know you would never hold it against me. But to find out from Taylor the way I did, to see the look on both her face and yours-like you"d been keeping something from me . . ." He rolled his eyes. "Now I have so much unfounded rage for something that happened before I even knew you, and it"s killing me. And at the same time I have no idea why I"m even upset." With a sad smile, he left the room, shutting the door behind him.
I hadn"t been able to decide between telling Declan the truth or not, but I knew from the ache I"d heard in his voice and the pain I"d seen on his face that I couldn"t. If just the idea of me with someone else had this effect on him, then knowing who it was would surely destroy him.
Jentry
My hands fisted over and over again on top of the kitchen table late that night, and it seemed like the more I tried to relax, the harder my jaw clenched. I shut my eyes and blew out a harsh breath, but all I could hear were her pleasured cries and pleas . . . and they"d stopped a couple of minutes ago.
Each one had fueled my anger, and I"d felt myself spiraling down into this person I"d fought so hard not to be. Each one had sent a memory of her crying out underneath me through my mind-all of them so vivid it was like I could feel her. And each one made me want to tear my own heart out. Because out of all the s.h.i.t I"d done in my life, nothing had felt like this. This agonizing mixture of guilt, hatred, and jealousy I currently felt for one of the only people I"d ever truly considered family was driving me insane.
I"d heard of her, of Declan"s Rorie. How could I not? It was all he wanted to talk about ever since I"d come back from my last deployment. But I"d been so focused on just getting adjusted to life back in the States that I hadn"t absorbed the specifics he"d told me. I hadn"t asked for the right details about her. I hadn"t had a f.u.c.king clue what I was walking into tonight. That I would finally come face-to-face with my Aurora again only to find out she was also Declan"s Rorie.
I"d waited for it . . . for the moment Declan put it together. Because he would eventually put it together. And with his frustration and Aurora"s inability to speak or look at me when we"d first gotten back to the house, I"d put money on it happening sooner rather than later.
But as the night had dragged on, Dec had remained oblivious as the four of us hung out and I"d acted as though I weren"t being a.s.saulted by memories of a night with his girl. His frustration eventually cooled and Aurora loosened up, and soon they were curled up with each other while I forced myself not to pull her away from Dec and claim that she should have been mine.
Should have. Because I"d had her first and let her go. Something I"d regretted every day since. Every time those dark blue eyes of hers found mine, my mind and body went wild as I fought to control that same mixture of emotions that was flooding me now, and just savored the fact that she was real and she was here.
I had convinced myself that I would never see her again . . . and now I would give anything to just be able to touch her again.
Instead I"d had to listen to my best friend, my brother, f.u.c.k the only good I would ever dare touch.
There were girls who stayed with you for different reasons. Body, face, lay . . . whatever it may be, good or bad. Then there were girls who destroyed you for anyone else after that, because they were so far from your world that having them again consumed you.
Aurora had destroyed me, and I"d welcomed every minute of it.
She"s perfect, I thought to myself again when I came back to stand in front of her, and took in her naked body lying on the bed, waiting for me. I gripped the still-wrapped condom in my hand as I forced myself to warn her one last time, "Last chance."
Her eyes were such a dark blue that they looked violet in this light, and they were now studying me while unknown questions swam through them. She didn"t look real, and I wondered if I would wake up tomorrow just to find that all of this had been a dream.
Her gaze briefly ran over my body, and when she finished she held my stare. "Should I be scared of you?"
If anyone else had asked that, it might have triggered something: a fear in myself that I was doing something I"d spent my life burying and running from, or flashbacks from a lifetime ago. Some distant part of me thought it was funny that this girl who didn"t know me knew the exact question not to ask. But at the same time, coming from her, I didn"t care.
Because anyone could see just by looking at this girl that she was good down to her soul, and the guy I"d spent years becoming would protect this kind of good-not harm it. That didn"t mean I should be allowed to have it.
I shook my head once as I crawled onto the bed and hovered over her. Again, I wanted to beg her to consider leaving when she looked at me with complete trust, but the words that came out instead shocked me and embarra.s.sed her. "No, but a guy like me shouldn"t be allowed to stain your good."
"I"m not a vir-"
"That"s not what I meant, but good to know," I said quickly, cutting her off and enjoying the way she blushed too much. Placing a hand on her chest, I watched her closely as I clarified, "This."
Her eyes widened and full lips opened slightly as she realized the weight of what I was saying. She nodded absentmindedly and whispered, "Let me worry about my heart tomorrow, and stop trying to give me reasons to leave."
I stopped. Then gave both of us every reason to want to stay even though I knew I wouldn"t.
Allowing myself to darken the good that burst from her had been inevitable. I gave her every chance to run from me because I hadn"t been able to leave her. She was like my own personal siren-calling to me, pulling me closer with those hypnotic eyes and that good. It was like a drug that I couldn"t refuse, and one I"d never forget even though I knew I could never taste it again.
My eyes lifted slowly when I heard her soft footfalls, and my hands clenched again at the sight of her messy blond hair as she walked through the darkened house. She was so lost in her own mind that she never looked up or saw me sitting there when she entered the kitchen and started rummaging through cupboards.
"Aurora."
She sucked in a startled gasp and tripped over herself as she turned to face me. Through the single light in the kitchen, I watched as heat filled her cheeks. "Jentry." My name was a breath as her hands went up to clasp the top of her robe together-not that anything had been showing before-and I had the sudden urge to open it.
The thin, satin material ended at the tops of her thighs and was tied together at her tiny waist with a thick belt that fell slightly longer than the rest of the robe did. I blinked away thoughts of taking the tiny piece of material off her when she started stumbling over her words.
"You-we-I thought-why aren"t . . ." Her eyes were wide, and a dozen emotions flashed through them as they darted over my still form. "I thought you were asleep."
I lifted my hands just barely off the table as if to prove I wasn"t, then let them fall. "I don"t sleep much."
"Did you . . ." She trailed off, then shut her eyes. "I have to go."
I stood slowly from the table and walked toward her. My lips tilted up when she met each of my steps with one of her own, taking her deeper into the kitchen instead of out of it, until she"d backed up against the counter.
Placing my hands on the counter on either side of her, I pressed close and my smirk grew when she inhaled softly.
"Jentry . . ."
My name from that mouth with her body pressed to mine after so long had my blood heating. I wanted to hear it again as I slowly opened the top of her robe and studied parts of her that I already knew so well. I wanted to place her on the counter and remind her what we were like together. I wanted to go back to that night and refuse to let her go. I wanted so many things that also made me want to die.
She belongs to Declan, I reminded myself.
The parts of me that wanted to push her away and pull her closer fought as I splayed my hand across the small of her back and pressed her harder against me. I felt the shiver that moved through her body like it was my own, and it took every ounce of self-control to say words I knew would p.i.s.s off my little siren instead of ones I had wanted to say for so long.
"Tell me," I began, and bent to whisper in her ear. "Are you always that loud with him, or was that performance for me?"
Her body stilled against mine. "Excuse me?"
"If you were trying to remind me what it"s like to be with you-"
"You a.s.shole," she said through gritted teeth as I continued speaking.
"-I can a.s.sure you, Aurora, I never forgot."
Her chest rose with a sharp breath. Seconds pa.s.sed before she placed a hand on my chest and pushed. The movement only caused her to arch back. Regret and longing danced throughout the anger and embarra.s.sment in her darkened eyes when they met mine.
I brought my free hand up to trace the tips of my fingers over her soft skin. I told myself to stop, but watched in fascination as they continued down until I was cradling her slender neck in my hand.
She whispered something too soft for me to hear a second before another shiver moved through her body. When my eyes found hers again, all that was left in those depths were the longing and regret.
"I thought you were asleep." Her voice was still soft, whether out of fear of being caught, or that anything above that felt wrong right now. I didn"t know. I didn"t care. She was f.u.c.king here.
"I wish I hadn"t been here at all."
She loosed a ragged breath at my honest response, and her head shook. "I need-I need you to let go of me."
"Aurora . . ." I trailed off, unable to settle on one thing to follow. Ask if she remembered that night-if she thought about it? Tell her that I hated every piece of myself for wanting her, and for hating Declan because he had her? Beg her to let me keep holding her-this good I never should"ve had and had thought was lost forever?
I released her and took a step back, but she didn"t move, and that just made me want to pull her back into my arms.
"You told me to call you Jay."
I lifted a brow at the accusation in her tone. "First letter of my name, not really that much of a reach. And you don"t have a lot of room to talk when I"ve been dreaming about a G.o.dd.a.m.n fairy-tale character for over ten months."
"You-" Her eyes widened before dropping to the floor. I watched as she swallowed roughly, and her head tilted to the side like she wanted to push my words from her mind. "That"s my real name, but no one calls me that. I never let anyone call me that."
"And yet-"
"You can"t call me that," she said firmly, cutting me off. "I"ve never once let him or anyone get away with calling me that. If Declan heard you . . . you just can"t."
She was insane if she thought I would stop.
"I haven"t been punched yet, so I"m going to guess you haven"t told him."
When she looked back up at me, those eyes that edged on violet were full of panic. "I can"t. He would-he would . . ."
"I know." She didn"t have to tell me how he would react, because it was the same way I would.
It wouldn"t matter to him that it"d been before they met; it would soon be all he thought about-because it was all I had thought about since Dec had pulled her into his arms at the restaurant tonight. That"s all it had taken for a jealousy unlike anything I"d ever known to surge through me. And I only had a memory of her . . . Declan had her.
"The night you met Declan, why did you go back?"
Her expression fell at the reminder, but she didn"t look away. After a second, her brows pinched together. "You know why," she mouthed, like she was afraid to admit it too loudly.
"I told you I could only give you a night, Aurora. I meant that."
"Literally. You literally meant that. I didn"t think you were flying halfway across the world. I thought it was just a line you used on girls. And I didn"t care! I told myself all I wanted was a night, but you . . . you consume my mind!" Her confession sounded like an accusation, and she hurried to correct herself. "Consumed."
"Well, it definitely didn"t take you long to move on."
Hurt flashed through her eyes. I hated that I was the reason for it, but knew it was for the best. Hurting her meant she"d want to stay away from me. Like that first night, I needed her to be the one to leave, because I didn"t know how to.
"It"s not like I went there to meet Declan, and what did you expect? It was a night with you."
My eyebrows pulled down low over my eyes as the pain I had just seen on her face tore through me. "A night?" I asked calmly. I wrapped my arm around her waist again and held her stare as I pulled her close. My memories of her were always vivid, like I was back at that night again. But with our chests now brushing against each other"s with each breath, and with her body pressed against mine, those memories seemed like hazy pictures.
The softest whimper escaped Aurora"s lips when I dipped my head to slowly trail the bridge of my nose along her jaw. Her hands fisted against my shirt, weakening my already frail resolve, and my entire body shook with the need to taste her again. She trembled when I stopped with my mouth hovering over hers, just a breath away, but I forced myself not to move closer to her. Not to take what I had thought was gone.
Leave, Aurora. Leave because I can"t.
As soon as her eyes slowly blinked open again, I curled my lip and released her. "Yeah . . . a night sounds about right."
Her breath came out in a hard rush as she seemed to deflate on herself. She took a hesitant step to the side, away from me, and then another. With one last look, she dropped her head and hurried from the kitchen.
7.
One Month Ago
Aurora