I Shall Steal The Heavens

"…you were right." Zhu Jiao glanced at me nervously, even as he continued to frantically retreat. "This b.a.s.t.a.r.d really has an elder hiding somewhere to a.s.sist him when he finds himself cornered. How did you know?!"

"Well…" I shrugged nonchalantly. "Because I read Wu Dong Qian Kun."

"The f.u.c.k?! Seriously?!"

Zhu Jiao gaped at me in disbelief, but I was too busily focusing my attention on Elder Shen to pay any attention to him.

At this moment, Jiang Jun Hao had already received some clothes from the elderly man in gray, and he hurriedly wore them to cover up his shameful figure. Despite putting on fresh clothes, he still looked pretty haggard and battered, the injuries he received from the Domitar-cla.s.s battle-automata still visible.

To be honest, he was strong enough to fight on par with the battle-automata, especially since he was equipped with his Heavenly Spear. It was surprising that he found himself cornered and beaten so pathetically. I guess he had used up quite a bit of strength when fighting furiously against Zhu Jiao earlier, and I was even more certain that he had underestimated the battle-automata. His formidable spear attack had pierced through the battle-automata"s chest, the place where normally a heart would be if it had been a human.

In fact, had his opponent been a human, that strike would definitely have killed him instantly. Unfortunately for Jiang Jun Hao, the battle-automata did not possess a heart. Its cerebral cortex was inside its head – it would have been a different story altogether if he had crushed its head. Nonetheless, it still did not possess the same vulnerabilities that a human would have.

Thanks to that, the moment Jiang Jun Hao lowered his guard, the Domitar-cla.s.s battle-automata capitalized on that instant and delivered an incredibly ferocious attack. Unable to react in time, Jiang Jun Hao took a direct hit and was severely injured.

That was the price he paid for underestimating his opponent.

"Elder Shen, kill these brats!"

After getting dressed, Jiang Jun Hao scowled darkly and barked an order. Opposite him, Zhu Jiao tensed and braced for a fierce battle. He also reached inside his spatial bag for more Pure Yuan Pills to recharge the hovering Domitar-cla.s.s battle-automata.

I stepped up to his side. The reason why I chased after him was to a.s.sist when the elder inevitably emerged to help Jiang Jun Hao kill Zhu Jiao, after all. Having read Wu Dong Qian Kun, I was ready for this.

However…

Smack!

Elder Shen smacked the back of Jiang Jun Hao"s head, sending him sprawling forward. Jiang Jun Hao gaped up at the elderly man in shock.

"You…"

"Who are you to give me orders? I"m a sect elder, you know? You"re just a disciple. Know your place, you brat!"

Jiang Jun Hao shrank back, looking very pitiful.

"…"

Zhu Jiao exchanged a confused gaze with me, but neither of us let our guard down. Seeing our expressions, Jiang Jun Hao smirked. Even if he didn"t order Elder Shen about, the old man would naturally eliminate us.

"I am very sorry for the trouble that a disciple from our sect has caused to the both of you."

"Eh?!"

Jiang Jun Hao blanched when Elder Shen bowed deeply and apologized.

"What the h.e.l.l are you doing?! Aren"t you going to kill those brats?!"

Elder Shen turned around and smacked Jiang Jun Hao again. As the stunned Heavenly Way Sect disciple fell to his knees, the seemingly gentle old man kicked him in the stomach.

"Kill, kill, kill! Is that all you can think about?! Our Heavenly Way Sect has utterly failed to educate you, if all you can think about is killing! We are one of the eight major sects in the Martial Arts Alliance, and an orthodox sect! What the h.e.l.l are you doing, going around ruthlessly murdering other people?! You think we"re bandits, is it? Just because you want the Spirit Treasure Weapon owned by that young man over there, you think you can abuse the power and authority of our sect and kill and rob him? How can you call yourself a martial artist of the orthodox way?"

He bent down and slapped Jiang Jun Hao so hard that the younger man was sent spinning to crash on the floor.

"And ordering me around like this…you think you"re an arrogant young master from a xianxia novel, is it? Don"t you know how they all end up when they behave arrogantly and antagonize the protagonist? They all get killed! Never mind if they go get themselves killed – they drag the whole sect or clan into the mess and cause everyone to get wiped out by the main character! Targeting the protagonist, are you trying to destroy our Heavenly Way Sect?!"

"Even the Heavenly Way Sect elder is breaking the fourth wall now," I muttered as I tried to shut my jaw after gaping at the unbelievable sight.

"Ahem." Elder Shen cleared his throat and straightened up. "I"m not breaking the fourth wall. I merely read too many wuxia and xianxia stories."

I frowned. "Then how do you know that Zhu Jiao is the main character?"

"It"s pretty obvious." Elder Shen shook his head in disgust and began raising his hand to count with his fingers. "He has plot armor, he has protagonist-level luck that allows him to grab not one, not two, but many different treasures from a dungeon-styled tomb, and he has the great fortune to have s.e.x with an ultrbeautiful girl. Not to mention, he also has a d.a.m.ned familiar – that Golden Kirin he was riding on earlier – and a battle-automata. And then he defeated a young disciple from my sect, even though he"s supposed to be weaker and of a lower level. What kind of person is that lucky to the point where the whole world seems to revolve around him and the universe breaks its own laws just to keep him alive and gives him benefits after benefits? It"s just not realistic. So the only explanation is that he is the main character of our universe."

How the f.u.c.k did he know all that? I was pretty sure Elder Shen wasn"t present when Zhu Jiao had the lucky "accident" with Yan Qing Wu.

But he was correct. Zhu Jiao had the luck of a protagonist to the point where it seemed the universe was bending backward just to accommodate him. Conveniently providing him the tools or whatever he needed for the situation in the not too distant future…yeah, he was definitely a protagonist.

And realizing this, the old man was careful not to offend him. Furthermore, he was clearly an upright, orthodox martial artist with outstanding morals. He wouldn"t have partic.i.p.ated in this criminal murder in the first place, even without these ridiculous reasons.

"Again, I apologize to these two young masters. I a.s.sure you that the Heavenly Way Sect is not this ruthless or evil. I have no idea why Jun Hao"s values have been twisted to this extent, but I promise you that I will bring him back to the sect and reeducate him."

"Hah!" Jiang Jun Hao snorted defiantly. "How will you reeducate me? You wouldn"t dare! My father is one of the biggest…"

Elder Shen smacked him across the head again, silencing him before he could finish his sentence.

"Your father will definitely hear of this, mark my words. And you"ll be sent into a Laogai camp for a few months to reflect on your actions."

The color drained from Jiang Jun Hao"s face when he heard that, and he threw himself at Elder Shen"s feet, howling.

"No! Please! Anything but that! Please don"t send me into Laogai! I beg you!"

Elder Shen"s expression remained cold and scornful as he stared at the pleading Jiang Jun Hao. "You reap what you sow. your own actions are what caused you to be condemned to such punishment. Who asked you to attempt murder and robbery, and drag the name of our esteemed sect through the mud? You"ll be lucky if you don"t get expelled!"

"Laogai? What"s that?" Zhu Jiao whispered, confused. I sighed.

"It"s short for Lao Dong Gai Zao. It"s basically a corrective labor camp. Some sects put their members in corrective camps so that they will accept education and reform their behavior through hard labor. It"s not just hard labor, but also meditation and education. It"s designed to brainwash and indoctrine offenders, reforming them into upright, law-abiding citizens…or at least that"s the theory, anyway."

In reality, the punishment was so harsh that many of the disciples interned in the corrective camps dropped out of the sect because they couldn"t handle the punishment. A few were even driven to suicide. Those who left the sect because they couldn"t handle the punishment continued to have these on their records, which served as a stigma that barred them from joining other reputable sects or having a good future. Of course, in theory, such punishments would be deleted off the records if the offender truly repented, reformed and finished his sentence, but only the hardiest and most determined could endure.

And even among those who finished their sentences, many were a hollow sh.e.l.l of their former self, brainwashed and indoctrinated by the camp into near-mindless zombies who obediently listened to whatever their masters had to say.

Some people accused the corrective camps as not being ethical, but honestly…if the corrective camp was enough to reform a murderer like Jiang Jun Hao into an obedient, law-abiding citizen who would never hurt a fly again, I would say it served its purpose. Even if he ended up traumatized by the experience. Then again, what about the victims who were traumatized by his murder attempts, or the previous victims who had died at his hands? I was sure this wasn"t the first time he tried to kill someone. Those techniques and his complete lack of hesitation indicated that he was no stranger to murdering.

A corrective camp was the least he deserved. Perhaps Zhu Jiao had the right idea about slaying him, but that would also make him a murderer, and turn him into the very person he was trying to mete justice on.

Zhu Jiao wasn"t aware of all of these, but he did have some idea of what a corrective labor camp was, so he nodded dumbly.

"Uh, okay." He gulped and then turned to Elder Shen, who was still kicking Jiang Jun Hao when he was down. Or rather, the elderly gentleman was trying to kick Jiang Jun Hao off his feet because the latter was being too clingy. "Thank you for handling the matter, Elder. This young one will leave everything to you. If there"s nothing else, we will take our leave first."

"Who said you can go?"

"!!!"

Zhu Jiao stumbled back when Elder Shen suddenly appeared in front of him. It was as if the elderly man had literally teleported, disappearing from where Jiang Jun Hao was groveling, and then materializing quite some distance away.

"I knew he isn"t going to let us go!"

Reacting almost on reflex, Zhu Jiao threw a powerful punch with his golden gauntlets, ferocious qi swirling around his fist as it barreled toward Elder Shen"s face.

Boom!

"?!"

Zhu Jiao"s jaw dropped when he saw that Elder Shen had calmly intercepted his armored fist, catching the gigantic gauntlet with his palm and gently wrapping his fingers around the glowing metal. Despite pouring more qi into his strike, he was unable to budge Elder Shen"s hand even a single millimeter.

"Even if I"m injured, there"s no way…!"

"A fearsome punch," Elder Shen praised him as he forcefully lowered Zhu Jiao"s trembling fist and pushed it out of the way. "But I would appreciate it if you don"t attack me out of the blue."

"Then what do you want?!" Zhu Jiao demanded, trying to yank his gauntleted fist free. Elder Shen nonchantly released him and the spiky-haired main character stumbled back, his abrupt freedom causing him to be off-balance.

"If it"s not too much trouble, I hope you don"t mind returning Jun Hao"s belongings."

I didn"t even see Elder Shen move, but the next thing I knew, Jiang Jun Hao"s black spatial pouch was suddenly in his hands.

"When did he…?!"

Zhu Jiao blinked, but then scowled and tried to make a grab for Jiang Jun Hao"s spatial bag. I quickly stepped forward and placed my hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Don"t do it, Zhu Jiao," I told him with a shake of my head. "Just return it to them."

"But…!"

"Come on, dude," I snapped. "Don"t let greed cloud your judgement. Are you a robber? A bandit? You"re better than that. You should be above s.n.a.t.c.hing things from other people. Yeah, Jiang Jun Hao caused you a lot of trouble and attacked you, but this elder from the Heavenly Way Sect has personally apologized and promised to reeducate him. Just let it go."

"…fine."

Zhu Jiao sulked, but he obediently refrained from doing anything stupid. Now that he calmed down, he realized not the wisdom of my words but that he wouldn"t be able to defeat Elder Shen in a direct fight, and wasn"t stupid enough to try and steal from the formidable expert.

"Speaking of which…"

Elder Shen reached into the spatial bag and retrieved a huge amount of Pure Yuan Pills and deposited them in the stunned Zhu Jiao"s hands.

"I believe you"ve used up quite a bit of Pure Yuan Pills to handle my sect"s disciple, didn"t you? About six thousand, if I"m not mistaken. Here"s about twenty-thousand. More than enough to cover your losses."

"Huh? You"re giving this much to me?!"

Zhu Jiao was gaping at Elder Shen in shock, but then he narrowed his eyes.

"Why? What do you want in exchange?"

"Ah…straight to the point. I like it." Elder Shen smiled politely, but there was steel in his eyes. "All I ask in return is that you drop this matter and pretend that nothing happened between you and my sect"s disciple, Jun Hao. I will personally ensure he gets punished, so there is no need to bring this up to the authorities. We"ll treat this as a private matter. And I also hope that you will not hold a grudge against my Heavenly Way Sect. as I said, Jun Hao is an exception rather than the rule, and I will take responsibility for not educating him properly."

Oh. I knew what this was. Hush money – he was paying Zhu Jiao off so that he wouldn"t report this to the Imperial Guard or proper authorities. If he did so, news would spread in the open, doing some damage to the Heavenly Way Sect"s public image and their reputation and prestige would take a hit. Elder Shen didn"t want the matter of one of his sect"s disciples engaging in wanton murder and criminal acts to be made public.

In other words, this was the infamous out-of-court settlement.

"Hmm…" Zhu Jiao considered this for a moment, and then realized that he stood to benefit a lot from this. So he nodded with a big smile. "Consider this whole matter forgotten!"

"W…wait!"

The three of us turned to Jiang Jun Hao, who was still sprawled helplessly on the floor, tearfully looking at the exchange.

"Elder Shen! You can"t just take those Pure Yuan Pills and give it to that brat! They are mine! I"ve been saving them up for a year! You can"t just give away my Pure Yuan Pills like this!"

Elder Shen smiled thinly. "That"s exactly why I"m giving them to this young man. You were the one who created this whole mess and attacked this young man. Do you expect the sect to pay for the crimes you committed? No, any compensation is going to come out of your own pocket."

The expression on Jiang Jun Hao"s face was so horrific that both Zhu Jiao and I couldn"t help but burst out laughing.

"We"ll leave this matter for you to handle privately then, venerable Elder." Zhu Jiao then bowed respectfully. "We will not interfere in matters of your sect."

"Thank you. Have a safe return home."

Elder Shen waved us away, and the both of us went on our way.

"I can"t believe that Heavenly Way Sect Elder just did that!" Zhu Jiao said in between laughs, doubling over as he tried to control himself. "Did you see the look on Jiang Jun Hao"s face? That was so hilarious!"

"Yeah. Not every sect is desc.i.p.able, psychopathic murderers who resort to killing over everything. It"s good to see that in reality, the orthodox sect elders tend to be more reasonable and upright. Imagine if this was a wuxia or xianxia story. The elder will try to kill you, you would end up being saved by Yan Qing Wu or one of the heroines or some Deus ex Machina, and then the Heavenly Way Sect will continue to persecute you and kill you after your escape, but you"ll train, get stronger and then return to eradicate the entire Heavenly Way Sect."

"What kind of nonsense is that? That doesn"t sound logical at all. Why would the whole sect be out to kill me just because I fought one of their disciples in self-defense?"

Zhu Jiao stared at me in disbelief. I sighed. Evidently my friend hadn"t read any wuxia or xianxia novels at all.

"Because you"re the main character, and that"s the premise of about just every xianxia story out there. And it"s super-repet.i.tive. After you wipe out a sect or clan, a new one will appear and try to kill you."

"That"s pretty unrealistic," Zhu Jiao remarked. I tried not to snort at that. He had no idea…

"Anyway, while I"m happy that I received compensation for that fight against Jiang Jun Hao, and more besides, I wish I could have kept that spatial bag." Zhu Jiao rubbed his hands, his eyes growing dreamy. "I might get a martial arts manual, and rare raw materials which I can use to upgrade my Heavenly Golden Draconic Gauntlets."

"What the h.e.l.l? You"re not satisfied with twenty-thousand Pure Yuan Pills?" I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation. "What do you think this is, a fantasy story where you conveniently get your hands on everything you need? This is reality. The universe isn"t going to bend backward and break every law just to deliver you high-ranked martial arts and rare raw materials from nowhere! Do you think you"re Li Fu Chen or Lin Dong or something?"

"Eh…" Zhu Jiao looked disappointed. Then he shrugged. "Well, I can"t always be lucky all the time."

Sometimes I really felt like strangling this b.a.s.t.a.r.d…

Shaking my head and taking a deep breath, I fell silent and focused on the way home, not wanting to bother with the ridiculous plot armor and protagonist-level luck that clung to my best friend in ridiculous quant.i.ties.