Principle #9: Sometimes the best way to extract information from people is to say nothing. There will be times when you sense that people have something to tell you but are reluctant to do so. Do not pounce; it will only make them clam up. And don"t try getting aggressive. That generally doesn"t work either (unless you are working with a weapon or a water board, and I a.s.sume you are not). There"s a much better technique that"s sometimes called the "pregnant pause." Just sit there and wait patiently.
Lawyers use this, including c.u.mberland County chief deputy district attorney Jon Birbeck, who is a great source for me when I"m writing my thrillers and mysteries. "Silence is an effective tool in getting anyone to talk," he says. "Witnesses on the stand are uncomfortable with silence, so after a suspect answers a question on cross-examination, rather than jumping into the next question, count to eight silently while staring at your prey and then wait for him or her to start talking again. People are very, very uncomfortable with silence and a look, so they frantically try to break the quiet by rambling on and on."
Principle #10: To succeed in most fields, you have to demonstrate you can be part of a team. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly linked the State Department to the Pentagon, trading staff members and ideas as part of an initiative connecting diplomacy, development, and defense. That sounds like some sweet teamwork. One part of teamwork entails being willing to compromise. My brother Jim, a hedge fund professional, taught me that the trick is to focus on areas of agreement. Each player should rank different points on a scale of one to five in terms of priority. When you discover all the points you agree on, it makes it easier to hash out the other stuff.
Principle #11: When you need to make a point with someone (such as the desk clerk at the hotel that doesn"t have the right room for you), use the broken record technique. This is an approach I learned during my twenties when I was writing a lot about consumer rights, a hot topic at the time. If you"re not making headway, repeat your message again (and again), varying the words slightly each time but never raising your voice ("I understand you are full, but I requested a room on a nonsmoking floor, and it"s essential that I have one"). It"s very effective at wearing the person down. And because you don"t sound angry or emotional, you don"t make the other person defensive.
Principle #12: People, even nice ones, will sometimes do something not very nice to you at work. In certain instances you see it coming-perhaps the person has a rep for a type of behavior and you know it"s only a matter of time before you end up on the hit list. But other times it comes out of nowhere and you experience the double whammy of not only being snakebit but also being blindsided.
There are a bunch of different ways people can mess with you at work. There"s pa.s.sive-aggressive behavior, for instance. The person "forgets" to tell you important info, such as when a meeting is scheduled, and you end up arriving late. Then there"s sneaky stuff: a coworker goes around you on a matter you should be dealing with or takes credit for an idea of yours. In certain instances this is done in a very subtle way-what you could call a "soft a.s.sault"-that (1) makes you wonder if you might have imagined it and (2) leaves you thinking that it might be best just to let it go. Here"s an example of what I mean. I was at a big meeting once where someone who dealt with my area in a marginal way made a comment about the terrific results of a project a staff member of mine had worked on. There was technically nothing wrong with what she said-it was totally positive-but by talking about it, she took ownership in an indirect way, and I"m sure some people at the meeting a.s.sumed she was involved.
Unfortunately, there"s also behavior that"s on a practically vicious level: you find that someone has been backstabbing you, spreading a rumor about you, or even undermining your efforts.
Why do people do bad stuff like this? Usually, I"ve found, it"s because they feel threatened on some level. You"re earning good marks, for instance, and they resent you for it. Or it may not have anything to do with you directly. They may feel anxious about not having any winning ideas, so they poach one that just happens to be yours. Idea stealers, I"ve found over the years, are almost always people who suck at coming up with good ideas themselves and are afraid it will catch up with them. (By the way, when you have a good idea, don"t go blabbing about it to coworkers; send it in an e-mail to your boss.) When I started writing this book, I intended to have a whole chapter on all the types of bad behavior you might encounter from people and how to deal with each. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that though there are many transgressions that can occur on the job, you must deal with almost all of them in basically the same way: you must let the other person know that you disapprove of what just went down, and it had better not happen again. Dr. Atkins concurs. "In most cases," she says, "this will mean that the person"s actions are now "public," even if you and she are the only people who know what"s going on. There"s a better chance of the offender taking responsibility and watching their actions if they are aware that what they did is not going to be tolerated."
Confronting the person will be awkward and you may try to talk yourself out of it, mentally rea.s.suring yourself that it probably won"t happen again. Oh, but it will. That"s because by not saying anything, you"ve indicated to your coworker that you don"t mind her naughty behavior or are too much of a weenie to do anything about it. And what I"ve found is that the next time is often worse.
When you speak to someone about his or her behavior, avoid going in with your guns blazing. That can put the person so much on the defensive that you end up accomplishing nothing, except perhaps leaving a trail of bloodshed. Instead speak calmly and avoid making a direct accusation, as in "You"ve been complaining about my strategy to anyone who will freaking listen." Dr. Atkins suggests something along the lines of "It"s come to my attention that you may have some issues with my project." A pregnant pause can work great here. Give the person a chance to respond, even if it takes a minute. If he admits the truth, you can discuss the situation. End with a comment like, "We"re all working toward the same goal. If you have a problem in the future, please speak to me directly about it."
If he denies the whole thing, don"t contradict him but instead say something such as "Well, I think it"s important for you to be aware that this is what people are saying." This will not only prevent you from getting into an ugly back-and-forth but also put him on notice that you"re on to him and won"t accept further bad behavior.
When someone"s behavior just barely crosses the line, asking him or her a question can be a good way to show your displeasure or concern without causing things to heat up. With the woman who seemed to be trying to own my staffer"s idea, I called her after the meeting and said, "I"m curious. Why did you decide to bring up L."s project?" She muttered something about simply wanting to compliment our efforts. "I think it"s best to leave it to L. to discuss in meetings," I replied. "I don"t want anyone confused about how much work she did on it."
Principle #13: When you find yourself seriously annoyed by someone at work, it can often mean that you"re actually annoyed at yourself. Perhaps because you don"t like the way you responded in a situation. Or because the other person did something you wish you"d thought of.
Principle #14: If someone p.i.s.ses you off, it"s always better to count to ten (at the very least) before responding. When you need to address someone"s actions, avoid doing so until the steam stops coming out of your ears. Count to ten. Or if possible, sleep on it. The discussion will go far better, other coworkers will be less likely to get wind of the problem, and you won"t feel stupid afterward. If possible, handle the situation in person. E-mails have an ugly habit of blowing up in one"s face-and then there"s that awful trail. If you must respond to someone"s behavior by e-mail, write a draft without the person"s e-mail address in the "to" line. And imagine other people seeing it, because they very well might. Give yourself at least a few hours before sending it.
As Morning Joe cohost Mika Brzezinski told us for her Cosmo column, "If I"d known years ago that being calm leads to the most effective conversations with men (and women!), not only would I have spent less time getting upset, but I"d also be making a lot more money now."
Principle #15: Unless it"s absolutely essential, don"t drag your boss into a problem you"re having with a coworker. The bottom line: if you tell your boss you"re having issues with someone, he"s probably going to a.s.sume that you are part of the problem. I learned that the hard way when I worked for Art Cooper at Family Weekly. A young female editor who"d been in charge of a failed special section of the magazine had to eventually be absorbed into my department, which meant she was now loosely reporting to me after having been fairly autonomous. She bristled when I gave her a.s.signments and rolled her eyes at my comments in meetings, so I strode into Art"s office one day and told him what was going on. He shook his head in dismay. "The last thing we need here is the battle of the blondes," he said. I cringed at his words. He was practically calling me a member of Female Jell-O Wrestlers of America. I knew then I should have done everything possible to sort out the situation myself.
Sometimes you have no choice but to involve your boss. If that"s the case, ask for his advice on a very professional level or suggest possible solutions that you want her input on. That way you come across as a grown-up rather than a tattletale or someone hopelessly out of her depth. What I should have said to Art was "Can I ask for your advice on something? K. is not used to having a top editor on her work, and she seems unhappy with the system as is. How would you suggest we handle it?"
Principle #16: Even in the sanest workplaces, you can come face to face with a psycho. Idea stealers, land grabbers, backstabbers, they all pale next to a coworker who is a psycho-someone totally unethical or narcissistic. Now, you may be lucky enough never to interact with one-I"ve met only a couple in my whole career-but unfortunately they do sometimes rear their ugly heads.
How do you know if you"ve encountered a psycho? Initially it"s tough because psychos often appear fairly normal (experts call this "wearing the mask of sanity"). But then one day he or she does something that"s the tip-off, something that, as Dr. Atkins says, leaves you slapping your head and silently asking "Wait, what just happened here?" Psycho behavior is totally out of line and over the top compared to anything else you"ve experienced.
Consider what happened to a friend of mine after law school. She went to work for a government agency, and not long after she started, she wrote an article she planned to submit to a trade journal for publication. First, though, she gave it to her boss-a sane-enough seeming guy-for his opinion. Weeks pa.s.sed, and her boss didn"t return it. Since my friend was new on the job, she hated to nudge, so she bided her time. Finally she offered a gentle reminder, and her boss nodded in understanding. More time pa.s.sed. Then lo and behold, my friend discovered her article published in a journal under her boss"s name!
"With this type of individual, it"s all about them, not about you or the goals of the company," says Dr. Atkins. "They often stop at nothing and don"t see what they"re doing as wrong."
If you work for a psycho, get out as soon as you can because the situation will never improve. If you have a psycho for a coworker, avoid that person if you can. Not possible? "Then have people with you when you meet with the person," says Atkins, "and do as much interacting as possible by e-mail so you have a paper trail." If you must address any bad behavior with him, keep your tone totally neutral, and be prepared for the fact that he will never, ever admit to having done anything wrong.
I met my first workplace psycho years ago at a very nice company. The guy-let"s call him Dexter-worked in another area, but occasionally our worlds overlapped a little. One day I learned that for reasons I would never understand, he had tried to use his clout to dismantle a project I"d put together. I felt totally out of my element with him-it was like being put into a tiny room with a puma-so I went on instinct. First, I avoided any kind of discussion with Dexter himself over what he was doing (I kept reminding myself of that old expression "When you get in a wrestling match with a pig, you both get dirty-and the pig likes it"). Instead I dealt with several people in corporate, trying to reinforce with them the value of the project. And I never backstabbed the guy. But after the corporate executive relayed updates on Dexter"s efforts, I would ask questions such as "Why do you think he would say that?" I think those questions were key. They seemed to help her see that Dexter"s crusade was about his own ego and nothing more.
Principle #17: Men can still feel threatened by women. When women first began entering the workforce in big numbers, plenty of guys felt confused and threatened, and they sometimes responded hostilely, inappropriately, or just plain stupidly. When I was on a business trip as the editor in chief of McCall"s, a male executive from my company spotted me in the breakfast room of the hotel and hollered across the room, "Hey, Kate, was that you pounding on my door late last night?" What a jerk, right? Over the years things have improved greatly, especially in female-dominated fields, where the men coming in generally have an appreciation of women-but you can still encounter problems. Sometimes it"s in the form of s.e.xual hara.s.sment-inappropriate comments or behavior of a s.e.xual nature. Sometimes it"s what I call guerrilla chauvinism, such as not making eye contact with you in a meeting or not including you in a key activity.
With guerilla chauvinism, you could try saying something to the guy, but he will probably pull his head back, scrunch up his face, and act as if you"re nuts. I"ve found that a better way is to try to humanize the situation. Suck it up and ask him to coffee. Share some info that will help him out. He"ll see that you"re not out to neuter him. Of course, if you are both on the same promotion track, his behavior may not change. Focus on your work and your relationship with your boss, make sure your ideas are in writing, and watch your back.
With any type of s.e.xual hara.s.sment, address it immediately-because this is the kind of bad behavior that will absolutely happen again if you don"t shut it down. Say something like "Your comment made me feel very uncomfortable. Please don"t say anything like that to me again." You"re ent.i.tled to go to your boss or HR because s.e.xual hara.s.sment is illegal, but that can ratchet the situation up, so many experts believe it"s best to try to deal with it person to person first. If you correct it that way, you will avoid unnecessary drama and the awkwardness that can follow.
Principle #18: You must check company policy before you take your work crush to the next level. Some studies show that more than 40 percent of couples meet at work. And why not? It"s less clunky than blind dating and less risky than meeting someone at a bar. And in closed quarters sparks can fly. Years ago, when I was single, a boss of mine who was leaving the company totally surprised me by taking me into his arms, kissing me, and telling me "I"ve wanted to do that since the day we met."
But some companies have policies against dating anyone on staff, and it"s important to discreetly check it out before the first drink. It may appear in the company policy guidelines on the website. If there"s no prohibition and you take the plunge, never bring your relationship into the office. Even if coworkers are aware of the romance, avoid references to it at work or any displays of affection. And know that even if you decide you want to keep the relationship under wraps, probably no amount of discretion on your part will prevent coworkers from finding out. They will know.
What if you"re hot for a boss or a subordinate? That"s always a no-no. Oh, it can be wickedly fun, but there could very well be consequences-including utter awkwardness at work, damage to your stature and rep, and even dismissal (yours!).
{ The Secret Weapon That Will Make You a Winner (and Save Your b.u.t.t) }.
About a week after I landed the job as editor in chief of Cosmopolitan, I sat down for a meeting with a man named Chris Butler, the consumer marketing person I"d be involved with on a regular basis. Chris oversaw subscription and newsstand sales. I"d worked with him while I was at Redbook, and I was pleased that our partnership would continue. Not only was he very smart, but he"d been on Cosmo for a while and already knew the ins and outs of the magazine.
Chris was one of the few people I felt comfortable admitting the truth to-that I was more than nervous about my new job, a job I"d never even applied for. "I don"t know a freaking thing about the audience," I said. "And there"s just so much at stake."
"Don"t worry," he said. "Editing Cosmo is unambiguous. You"ll see once you get to know more about the reader. It"s very clear what they"re looking for from the magazine."
And he was so right. As soon as I started seeing e-mails from readers and hearing them talk at focus groups, I discovered that they were gutsy and fun, and they came to the magazine for very straightforward reasons-to be informed and entertained about men, s.e.x, fashion, beauty, health, and living life to the fullest. If I paid attention to what readers were telling me about their needs, I"d be okay. In fact, there was a chance I"d thrive.
What Chris was reminding me of that day is that knowledge really is power. When you are making any kind of key decision or move in your job, information is your secret weapon. Of course, it seems stupid to call it a secret weapon. In many jobs we"re encouraged to constantly acquire info, and thanks to technology, that"s easier to do than ever. Yet we often fail to use knowledge to our advantage. We either don"t gather it on a regular basis, or we reject what we discover.
"Just like in love, people in business tend to hear what they want to hear-or discredit where it"s coming from," says Trendera CEO Jane Buckingham. "Sometimes bad news is too hard to take, so people just pretend they didn"t hear it. One of our clients once was a TV network that had a show by a great producer and writer, but unfortunately it just wasn"t a good show and everyone who saw it disliked it. But the network really wanted to be in a relationship with the writer and producer and ignored what viewers of the show were saying. The show was canceled four episodes in."
The other reason people don"t use knowledge is that they don"t program their minds to really consider it. They let their eyes skim over what might be of value without gaining any traction. You have to set your brain on "inquiry" and make it a habit to seek and question.
Though I regularly listen to my gut to make decisions, I also rely on research, and from the moment I began at Cosmo I did a ton of it. And over the years that information guided how I evolved the magazine. For instance, I saw from studying the ratings that the health column that was running in Cosmo when I arrived scored poorly, except when gynecological or breast issues were addressed. That made perfect sense, actually. Readers were hardly coming to the magazine to learn how to handle a head cold or dig a splinter out of their foot. Their mothers could tell them that. What they craved was info about s.e.xual health and facts about their bodies they couldn"t find elsewhere. So I started two brand-new health columns, one called "Gyno" and the other called "Your Body," where the main item would be breast news. They became two of the highest-rated columns in the magazine.
I also began to see through research how much readers liked it when we explained the male mind to them. Yes, they wanted info on how to navigate their relationships, which had been a staple of Cosmo for years. But they also yearned to know what made men tick. When I was in my twenties and thirties, there seemed to be a sense that if we forced men to drink enough chardonnay, they"d become more like us, but the new Cosmo readers knew that was never gonna happen. They accepted that guys were hardwired differently from them but wanted to understand the differences. The four-page section called "101 Things About Men," which I started in 2011, quickly became the highest-rated section in the magazine.
So turn knowledge into your secret weapon. Here"s how.
Make information gathering a regular part of what you do. It shouldn"t simply be a matter of conducting an annual survey or holding an occasional feedback session. Always be picking people"s brains, listening, investigating. Train your brain to be on the lookout for info relevant to your field, and snag what might be essential for you. Sue Leibman, the president of Barking Dog Entertainment, who manages the careers of many celebrities, worked for Warren Beatty early in her work life. She said Beatty is a brilliant, always inquisitive man, whose favorite line was "Tell me what you know."
Accept info only from people who have a freaking clue what they"re talking about. I"m sure you"ve noticed this by now. People love to weigh in on all sorts of things-even when they know absolutely nothing at all on the subject. In my business this is particularly true when it comes to covers. From the time I started booking celebrity covers-as far back as my early thirties-I read everything I could about celebs, tracked box-office results, and researched magazine sales. Unfortunately, there"s no science to picking a cover subject, but when you"ve educated your gut, you at least have a hint of whether someone"s image will sell.
But people with no expertise, people who haven"t done their homework, will happily volunteer their opinion and perhaps even try to force it on you. With everyone who offers info, ask yourself: How much does he know on the subject? Where is he getting his information? Can I really trust what he"s saying?
Set up a Google alert or get the Flipboard app to provide you with a regular flow of information on any subject you should be informed about. Things are moving too fast today to simply count on the right information finding you.
When you hear or see something intriguing, don"t just note it: Think about how it could be used effectively. Dari Marder, the chief marketing officer of Iconix, which designs and markets products for companies such as Candies and London Fog, is a master at gathering info and using it to design awesome campaigns for her products. She used those skills superbly after she"d signed the model Gabriel Aubry to appear shirtless in bed for a campaign for Charisma Bed & Bath products. "At the same time we were shooting Gabriel," says Marder, "I was trying to book his ex, Halle Berry, for another campaign. Someone on her team mentioned that she had just shot the September cover for Vogue, which is usually a pretty closely guarded secret. I decided to hold the release of my Charisma campaign until the same period, and then time my PR strategy to a day or so before the Vogue cover was released. My hope was that every time the media did a piece on Halle"s cover, the news of what her ex-boyfriend was up to would be folded into it. It worked. The launch of the campaign garnered about 250 million PR impressions. Not bad for a campaign about sheets, towels, and comforters."
Toughen up. Yes, the truth can hurt sometimes, but tell yourself to get over it. You want to be not only open to what"s negative but also willing to seek it out. As Bill Gates put it, "Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning." Then listen carefully. Write down what you"ve heard. (Yes, even if it makes you cringe.) Writing it down not only gives you a sense of control in the moment, but also guarantees you won"t miss anything important. Ask questions. Get below the surface.
This is especially necessary when you need to orchestrate a turn-around. As much as info may sting, it can also guide you out of the woods. Shortly after I started running Child magazine, a parenting magazine for upscale parents, two researchers from the parent company visited me to present a study on the market they"d been asked to conduct. And talk about info that stings! They"d discovered that the number of parents who had high incomes and kids under the age of two was actually very low. I mean really low. Too low to make a magazine for. But after accepting that number for what it was (the ugly truth), I immediately refocused the magazine for parents who were educated and successful but not super affluent. I doubled the newsstand sales the first year.
Know that some info is just plain wrong. When I was at Redbook, women in focus groups sometimes told us that we should put women such as Sandra Day O"Connor on the cover. I guarantee you, if I"d followed that advice, I wouldn"t be sitting here giving you tips on success. Sometimes it"s hard to spot a phony "fact." But the more of an information gatherer you become, the easier it will be.
When you have a setback, double your research efforts. But recognize that the sources you"ve been using may be wrong. Get new sources, new voices. Dare to ask a whole other set of people.
{ How to Own a Room-and Be Great on Your Feet }.
The more successful you become, the more confident and sure of yourself you will be-whether you"re talking to people at a c.o.c.ktail party or a meeting or making a formal presentation or speech-and that"s a fabulous feeling. It"s also nice for the people in your midst. Confidence is s.e.xy and exciting. People want to be around someone who has it, to hear what she"s got to say and learn what she knows.
Confidence is also compelling. When I arrived at Cosmo, one of the first things I did was try to a.n.a.lyze why some covers sold better than others. The particular model on the cover obviously played a role, and so did the cover lines, of course. But I soon realized that on the best-selling covers, the model or actress almost always had a certain expression on her face. It wasn"t a smile, and it wasn"t a "Take-me-now" look. It was an expression of utter confidence. It was as if she was standing in a doorway thinking "I own this room." That look helped guarantee that women bought the issue in droves.
I"m not talking about haughtiness or smugness. Those qualities, I"ve always found, tend to spring from insecurity and are totally off-putting. Real confidence is both authentic and inviting. And, as your confidence grows, you also tend to be gutsier and less afraid of taking risks. You believe in yourself, trust your instincts.
But here"s the tricky thing about confidence: it can seem fluid at times. One minute you"re on top of the world, the next minute you"re unsure of yourself. Various factors can trigger a temporary confidence outage. A new job, for instance: you may question your skills, worrying that you"re in over your head or that you"re even an imposter.
What I find fascinating is how even little things can make you go off your game. Maybe you"re in a job interview and you see the interviewer glance at your skirt. You suddenly realize that it may be a little too short, and then you can"t get back on track with the interview. Or you"re giving a presentation and someone yawns, and now you are freaked that you"re being a total bore. A year or two ago I was asked to be the afternoon keynote speaker at a big women"s conference. I do a lot of public speaking, so I felt no qualms about addressing the thousand-person crowd. Just before I was introduced, I noticed that the woman who had been the morning keynote-a leader in her field-had come into the room and taken a seat at a table right in front. I felt flattered that she"d decided to return for my talk, and I was looking forward to meeting her later.
But a funny thing happened. As I spoke, the woman didn"t do what people ideally do when you"re giving a speech: she didn"t nod or smile or laugh. Instead, through most of the speech, she wore a perplexed expression on her face, as if I"d lapsed into an ancient Incan dialect and she couldn"t understand a d.a.m.n word I was saying. She was like a speech "cooler." I realized that if I had been younger or less experienced, her behavior might have sucked the mojo right out of me.
The fascinating thing about a confidence outage is that nothing has changed about you from one moment to the next. You have the same interview or presentation skills you had before the person noticed your skirt or yawned while you spoke. Confidence is a state of mind.
During my first years at Cosmo, we featured models on five or six covers a year. One day we shot a model I adored and whom I knew would be fantastic on the cover, but my design director, returned from the shoot saying that the girl had been incredibly nervous. I suspected that the importance of the shoot had thrown her, though that was hard to fathom-she was gorgeous and had done many major ad campaigns. But sure enough, when the pictures came in, her terror was evident. She looked like someone who had just been stopped by customs agents at JFK airport and was waiting for them to find the kilo of cocaine she had in her luggage.
I remained certain, however, that she would be a perfect Cosmo cover girl, so, rather than give up, I decided to try to restore her confidence. I had the model editor call the agency and say the girl was absolutely amazing in the pictures but we"d like to redo the shoot because we were unhappy with the clothing choices we"d made. The next shoot was awesome, and the issue sold 2.3 million copies on the newsstand. Nothing was different about that model from the first shoot to the second-except that the second time she was convinced she had what it took.
Experience and a growing belief in your own ability will help your confidence grow. Here are some tactics to nudge it along.
Own plenty of confidence clothes. Chances are you have at least a couple of outfits that people always compliment you on, that make you feel like a million dollars when you wear them. Figure out the common denominators of those wow outfits-the colors, the shape-and buy more of them. And wear them when the stakes are high. I know it sounds a little silly, but looking like a bada.s.s can give you bada.s.s confidence.
Instead of focusing on how you might screw up, think about what good things you can bring to the moment. That"s something that the actress Natalie Dormer, who stars as Margaery Tyrell in Game of Thrones on HBO, pointed out to me. I first discovered Natalie when she played Anne Boleyn in The Tudors. It"s hard to take your eyes off her, and once her character lost her head, the series was never the same. After we featured Natalie in a fashion story in Cosmo, I gave a small dinner for her. She has the most fabulous presence, so I thought she"d be the perfect person to ask about maintaining confidence.
"I was once told something by an older actor that often comes into my head before I walk into an audition room," says Dormer. "They want you to be the solution. Whoever is waiting in there for you-interviewer, examiner, casting agent-is hoping you are the answer to their search. Our fear or self-doubt can persuade us that those waiting in the room want us to fail, but that means you carry that closed or victim energy in. People get into the negative habit of preempting the worst-case scenario as a misplaced way of protecting themselves. Try to walk in instead with an "I can be the solution to your problem" att.i.tude. Not arrogant, just open. The rest is out of your hands, but the positivity in itself is empowering."
This advice works almost across the board-at meetings, interviews, presentations, and speeches. What"s so interesting is that in almost all situations, the people you"re interacting with are worried about their needs and how they"re doing-even when you wouldn"t expect it. One of my very favorite TV shows to be on is the Today show"s fourth hour with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. They"re fun and charismatic, and they also make you look good. Hoda told me that whenever they have a guest host on, they make a point of chatting with the guest host about his or her current projects and interests in order to calm the person"s nerves (you wouldn"t think that guest hosts would need this, but they do). When you focus on the other person, it actually ends up benefiting you by giving you a sense of control and making the overall experience much more positive.
Know what you need to know at the moment. "There"s one thing in particular that gives you a real aura of success when you"re interacting with other people," says Julie Kampf, the founder and CEO of the executive search firm JBK a.s.sociates. "It"s when you say something incredibly smart."
Having the information you need in a situation-whether you have to share it verbally-will help you feel on your game and therefore as confident as possible. Always do background research when you"re going to be interacting with people. If you"re attending an important meeting, be sure you know the agenda beforehand. What"s going to be discussed? What questions might you be asked? What should your answers be? When you"re giving a presentation, know exactly what you"re supposed to be talking about. Rehea.r.s.e it plenty of times beforehand, and test whatever equipment you"ll be using.
If you have to give a talk to an outside organization or be on a panel, be absolutely sure of what they"re looking for and how long they want your remarks to be. Don"t just rely on the initial e-mail. I always arrange to speak (far in advance) to one of the key people involved. It"s amazing how often what I learn from that person differs from what appeared in the initial e-mail.
If you are receiving an award, find out if the presenters want you just to accept or to make a small speech. And always figure out how long the speech should be. Once when I was receiving an award, I discovered that one of the other honorees had not realized that he was supposed to give an acceptance speech. I could see him hurriedly scrawling down his comments on his program. When he got up to speak, he described the event and the award completely wrong.
You should prep even for events that are slightly less formal, such as business luncheons and dinners. Tell the person who sent you the invitation that you"d like to know who will be joining the table. That information is almost always given out if you ask. Then check out your tablemates on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Google. When you meet them, don"t start reeling off facts about them-you"ll sound like a freaky fan-but steer the conversation to areas you know they"re interested in.
Watch your body language. When you walk into a room or you"re standing up giving a talk, do your best not to touch your face or fool with your hair. Those kinds of gestures may feel calming, but they translate as insecurity. If you are sitting down with people, drape one arm over the back of the chair (the other should be on the armrest). A Northwestern University study found that when a person used this position around her boss, she seemed more influential. Other studies have shown that sitting in an expansive dominant pose (one that takes up s.p.a.ce) not only makes you feel more powerful but also decreases stress.
Take a public speaking cla.s.s-and refresher courses whenever you can. I took my first public speaking cla.s.s when I was in my mid-twenties. It was a four-week course offered through one of those adult ed programs you see advertised on the street in Manhattan, and though it was dirt cheap, it was incredibly valuable. Later, when I could afford it, I worked one-on-one with a fantastic woman named Pam Zarit. No tips you receive from me or anyone else will compare to actually being in a course and having to get up and speak-and then be critiqued.
Take advantage of any opportunity you can to speak publicly. It"s true: the more you speak, the less freaked you will be. I"m convinced that everyone has a certain threshold in terms of the number of speeches they must give before they don"t feel like dry heaving. It may be five for you or twenty-five. Keep going, and one day you will get there. And you will be so glad you did. Panels are good to start with because you don"t feel so front and center.
If you"re giving a speech, take the time to make sure it"s a d.a.m.n good one. Two things I learned from Zarit: know the needs of the people whom you are talking to, and let them know you know those needs as soon as you start. One of your early comments could be something like "I know you"re here today to learn how we can help our students feel more engaged, and I have some terrific answers from a pilot program we did." And tell the truth. "Even if you don"t love everything you"re saying," says Zarit, "find the seed that"s authentic-the truth/benefit you can really relate to."
Work hard to make your lead compelling (with a story, for instance, or a provocative stat). One way to structure a talk or speech-especially when you"re new at the game-is to promise the audience that you are going to give them three things to take away-and then do just that. That structure will give you a sense of security. Plus, people like to know where a talk is headed, and they seem to like things in threes, partly because it"s an easy number to remember. Check out Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg"s excellent TED speech on YouTube as proof.
Write and edit your remarks, and then let them sit for a day so you can come back to them with a fresh eye. The better your speech, and the more you believe in it, the more confident you will feel.
Steal a few moments before you go on to get centered. Step briefly away from people-or even go into another room-and let yourself relax and be still for a moment. Repeat a positive mantra to yourself (i.e., "I have great information to share today"). One of Cosmo"s cover photographers told me that when he was watching Beyonce shoot a video, he noticed that she seemed to be in a "meditative state" in the seconds before they began. "And then, in one instant," he added, "she suddenly had all this energy surging through her."
Before you start to talk, take about five or ten seconds and roam the room with your eyes, making contact with people in the audience. I know-it sounds TERRIFYING. But I learned this trick in my first public speaking cla.s.s, and it works fabulously. People will look back expectantly (and some even warmly) and you will feel far more relaxed.
Pause before you state key points. That"s another Zarit tip. People find it very compelling.
When you make eye contact with individuals in the audience-and you must-hold it for at least a few seconds. People love that, too.
Always end with a great kicker.
Videotape yourself giving a speech and have the guts to watch it. Note your strengths (to be leveraged the next time) and your weaknesses. Did you use lots of fillers, such as "um," or were you lacking in energy? It may be painful, but this is how you will blossom.
{ 9 Ways to Look and Sound Powerful }.
You know a powerful woman when you see her, don"t you? She generally has a certain aura around her. Over the years, through my work, I"ve been able to meet a number of women who have a lot of power in their jobs-Hollywood studio presidents, for instance, and U.S. senators. I once even had the privilege of hosting a luncheon at the White House with then First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton. Talk about a woman with an aura.
But I"ve also met women with power who seem a little wussy. A few years ago, I was asked to join a meeting with several people from an outside company who were going to be doing business with us. I was in a rush and hadn"t reviewed the list of names and t.i.tles that had been e-mailed earlier, but it didn"t matter. As soon as I sat down, I was able to determine who was the woman running the show. She talked in a strong, deep voice and seemed to own the table.
But I was wrong. That woman turned out to be the PR director. The head of the company was the woman next to her-whom I"d barely noticed. Her body language and voice paled next to her subordinate"s. Though I now knew whom to direct most of my questions to, the top woman had lost ground with me. I could never rid myself of the notion that she wasn"t as strong as she should be-and that made me wonder about the quality of work I could expect from her.
"In order to be a powerful woman, you have to present yourself powerfully," says body language and communication expert Dr. Lillian Gla.s.s.
When you radiate power through your physical actions, such as your body language and your voice, you immediately signal to those around you that you are the person in charge and you deserve respect.
There"s another reason you need to develop a powerful aura: it can act like a force field that repels anyone around you who is p.r.o.ne to backstabbing, idea stealing, or other kinds of nasty behavior.
As you gain confidence over time, you"ll naturally begin to come across with more authority. But you may still need to work on your aura, as many powerful women have. For instance, before Margaret Thatcher entered politics, she submitted to a substantial makeover of not only her style but also her voice, and she felt no need to apologize about it. "It may sound grittily honorable to refuse to make any concessions," she once said, "but such an att.i.tude in a public figure is most likely to betray a lack of seriousness about winning power."
Here are some aura-creating strategies: 1. Watch your posture. Sit up straight, and stand up straight. "Slouching, whether you"re sitting or standing, gives the impression that you"re weak and insecure," says Gla.s.s.
2. When you"re having a conversation with someone, point your toes directly at the other person. It shows that you aren"t intimidated.