Chapter 1777: Love and Affection, A Wavering Heart
Kaito has a high level of trust in Illness. She has been taking care of him in various ways as his exclusive maid since immediately after he arrived in this world, and combined with her calm and gentle personality, Kaito strongly recognized her as a gentle and mature lady.
Because of the trust she has acc.u.mulated in his heart, Kaito feels secure in the state he is now, lying on Illness’ lap, and once Illness had told him that “you can sleep”, drowsiness appeared exceptionally quickly.
Despite being pet.i.te, Illness is by no means lanky, and the moderately soft feel of Illness’ thighs. As a hand naturally started gently stroking Kaito’s head, closing his eyes for a moment, Kaito’s consciousness quickly drifted away, and after a while, the sound of regular breathing became audible.
Watching this, Illness softly smiled and continued to think in a daze.
(Avoiding my own feeliiiiiings and continuously looking away can be a probleeeeem. This could probably be an opportunity to take a moment and reflect on thiiiiiings…… I held affection for Kaito-sama at first siiiiiiight. There’s no doubting thaaaaaat, and even noooooow, my feelings haven’t diminiiiiiished, and have instead grown strongeeeeeer.)
Illness loves Kaito from the bottom of her heart. There’s no doubt about this, and this is something she’s absolutely convinced of. While it may sound extreme, loving Kaito is a matter of course for Illness at the moment, and it can’t be the cause of her confusion.
However, considering the recent movements and fluctuations in her heart, she can see that there’s more to it than that.
(Come to think of iiiiiiit, this might have started because of loooooove. I suppose the way things had been with us had beeeeeeen a bit different from the usual order. There’s no point in pretending now huuuuuh…… I am in love with Kaito-samaaaaaa. The recent fluctuations in my feelings were probably because of thaaaaaat.)
Yes, Illness didn’t fall in love with Kaito; what she held for him in the beginning was affection…… Afterwards, as she continued to interact with Kaito, she came to know more about what he was like on the inside and fell in love. While her circ.u.mstances aren’t quite impossible, the somewhat different sequence from a typical romantic relationship has brought confusion to her mind.
(Affection is something one giiiiives, love is something one desiiiiiires…… I see, the reason I feel I have become selfish recentlyyyyyy is because I have fallen in love and started to desire for it huuuuuuh.)
When she a.n.a.lyzed her situation calmly, the answer came down to her heart. At first, just giving Kaito her affection was enough for her. She was satisfied with offering her wholehearted devotion…… thinking that as long as Kaito was happy, there was no need for her to be by his side.
However, as she continued to interact with Kaito, rather than just watching him being happy, she started wishing to share that happiness with him…… and as was the case in this tea party…… she’s come to realize how comfortable it is to share feelings of happiness with her beloved Kaito.
She can’t go back to the way things were before. Illness already started desiring a future together with Kaito…… and because she herself was aware of this feeling……
(Just as Shalltear-sama mentiooooooned, just as devotion itself is my true natuuuuure, I have no hesitation in dedicating myseeeeelf. In a seeeeeeense, even though the form may be differeeeeent, it’s something I’ve been doing all aloooooong, so one could say I’m accustomed to iiiiiiit. Howeveeeeer, after having realized this todaaaaay, I sure am very bad at desiriiiiiing. One could say I’m just not used to iiiiiiit, but my heart just can’t seem to settle doooooown.)
There’s no hesitation or reluctance in doing something for Kaito. She can do it as naturally as breathing. However, when it comes to expressing her own desires to Kaito and desiring something from him, she finds herself pondering and hesitating about various things.
Expressing her desire to stay with Kaito even after the tea party wasn’t just a spur-of-the-moment idea; it was something she had been contemplating even during the tea party…… no, it was something she had been contemplating for a long time, debating whether or not to verbalize it, and finally, it was a request that she managed to squeeze out.
(The fact that Kaito-sama is excessively kiiiiiiind might also be one of the factoooooors. I can’t help but have expectatiooooons. Even though I think I shouldn’t be making such selfish requeeeeests, I can’t help but feel that if it’s Kaito-samaaaaa, he would accept me with a gentle smiiiiiile. For such petty thoughts to repeatedly pop into my miiiiind, it’s really troubliiiiiing.)
After wryly smiling with such thoughts in mind, looking at Kaito sleeping peacefully on his lap, Illness smiles lovingly from the bottom of her heart.
(What’s most troubling is thaaaaaat, as a matter of faaaaaact, he has been accepting everything so faaaaaaar. It’s a complicated situatioooooon, but the fact that I find this complexity enjoyableeeeee…… It’s quite curious, isn’t iiiiiiit?)
Staying close to the peacefully sleeping Kaito, Illness gently brought her face closer, and planting a light kiss on his cheek, she whispered softly.
[……I’m still inexperienced in loooooove, and I do feel apologetic for thiiiiiis, but please, just wait a little moooooore. Once I can firmly organize my feeliiiiiiiings, at that tiiiiiime, I will convey them to you properlyyyyy…… I’m still a coward who can only convey my feelings when you’re asleeeeeeep, but someday, surelyyyyy…… Kaito-samaaaaa…… I will love you from the bottoooooooom of my heart.]
? ? ? : [I see, even though she’s aware of her feelings of love, she hasn’t sorted them out yet. Well, that girl has a logical side, so things probably won’t progress until she has thoroughly thought it through to the point where she’s fully convinced of it. But at this rate, it shouldn’t be that far…… Senpai? Arehh? Hmmm…… Makina, do you know what happened to Serious-senpai?]
Makina : [She became delicious.]
? ? ? : [……I see…… Well, she’ll be back in the . So, what was it this time?]
Makina : [Koshi-an!]
? ? ? : [Was it that you used her body to make koshi-an or had she turned into koshi-an…… No, her turning into koshi-an is strange in the first place……]
(T/N: Koshi-an = smooth-type red bean paste)