"I thought Warren was crazy when he played that song at Aly"s Communion," I said. "I didn"t understand but I finally get it now. It takes time and hard work and a lot of love from family and friends to get through the toughest times. In any situation, you have to know everything will be okay. This time, it"s a much happier moment than last."
The music started and Warren came over and wrapped me in his arms.
And we danced at our daughter"s christening.
That night we got home and for once, instead of sinking into sadness and despair after a good time, our positive feelings lingered. I remembered a year earlier asking Warren if he thought we"d ever feel happiness again.
"We"ll find moments of joy and contentment, but happiness is too much to ask," he had said. "Happiness is not what we"ll ever feel."
"I just want to be happy again. I want to feel what other people do," I"d said.
"Your expectations are too high," he"d said.
Now, with Kasey, the feeling had changed. We were full of expectations and hope. Looking forward instead of looking back.
"I like what you said today about wanting to have a good life for Kasey," I said to Warren as I hung up Kasey"s christening gown. "But good isn"t enough. I want great."
We both went over to her crib, where she had easily fallen asleep after her long, exciting day. She seemed to have a little smile on her face. Who knew what dreams she might be having?
"I think we"ll experience everything," Warren said, reaching down to move a stuffed animal closer to her. "Within one day we"ll feel happiness, sadness, anger, love, sorrow, all of it. That"s going to be our lives for the next twenty or thirty years."
"Even though Kasey"s here, I can"t bear to think that I won"t see the girls for thirty years," I said with a sigh. "I wish I could take a quick trip to heaven to peek in on them and see that they"re okay."
"They are okay," Warren said.
Instead of arguing, I nodded. How far I had come.
I gently picked Kasey up from her crib and gave her a kiss. I wanted to make sure she knew every single moment of her life that she was loved. There is no time in life to waste.
And then I turned and kissed Warren, too.
EPILOGUE
Will I see my girls in heaven? I have to believe that I will. But now I understand that I see them again every day of my life. Kasey is here because of them. And their souls live on in the goodness of people who were touched by them and care about making the world a better place for all our children. I see my girls when I look in the mirror, remember their smiling faces next to me, and know how their love and sweetness changed me. I see my girls every day in the friends working so hard to make the Hance Family Foundation a success so it can give happiness to the children still struggling on this earth.
We have a great need to find meaning in horrible events, and many people have said to me that perhaps Kasey is the meaning. She will do something great in life that will give a purpose to the loss that brought her here. I don"t know that I believe anymore in that kind of grand design, and I wouldn"t want my cherubic daughter to feel that her very existence requires that kind of cosmic success. On a much simpler level, Kasey is proof that we have only one direction to move in life-and that is forward. We have both fewer choices than we think-and more. I had no choice about what happened on July 26. And it took me a long time to understand that all I could control was how I lived every day after that.
People often tell me, "I couldn"t have survived what you did." But they are wrong. I don"t know how Warren and I got through. I am not stronger or more courageous than anyone else. I was just an ordinary woman when suddenly my world went haywire. When people going through their own tough times turn to me now for guidance, I have only the simplest advice. Make sure you take care of yourself. See the sun every day. Breathe fresh air and go outside. Do something that makes you happy-for me that means having coffee with my friends, going shopping, getting my hair blown dry. Exercise, because you need to be strong for the grief you"re going through. It takes a lot out of you.
Three years after it happened, I have no explanation for the tragic accident that took my children. A happenstance, a misfortune, a twist of fate. I finally accept that there is a randomness to life and that G.o.d was not punishing me. My children were taken, but I was given all that I needed to survive-a husband who loves me, friends and family who surrounded me with care and protection. Dr. Rosenwaks appeared to give me another chance at life. And then I got Kasey.
A couple of weeks after Kasey"s christening, some four hundred volunteers are preparing for Family Fun Day. Just three years in, Family Fun Day seems like a long-standing tradition in town. Warren spends three days straight working to make everything just right-he"s at the Centennial Gardens almost around-the-clock overseeing crews and erecting new carnival games. On Sat.u.r.day morning, fifteen hundred adults and children throng the starting lines for the races. People are running in teams, and we give awards for the most spirited team and biggest fund-raisers. I smile at some little girls from the local dance studio who are running in tutus and T-shirts that read "Emma, Alyson, and Katie." Another group wears shirts that say "The Beautiful b.u.t.terflies" and have wings attached to their backs. I watch everyone coming together to run through our town, showing their support, beautifully symbolic yet so very real.
That afternoon, 3,500 people return to the Centennial Gardens for our Family Fun Day activities, from a mud slide to face painting to carnival games. We have live music and Irish dancers, a DJ in the kids" corner, fabulous raffle prizes, and children swarming over to enjoy Katie"s Dress-Up, Emma"s Carnival Court, and Aly"s Art Gallery.
"What a terrific day!" people keep saying to me as I wander from event to event. My mom brings Kasey to the park for a while, and I push her stroller across the gra.s.s.
As he does every year, Warren gives a short speech, and then he plays his favorite recording of the Judy Garland cla.s.sic, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."
The whole park grows quiet for a few moments as Garland"s glorious voice fills the May afternoon. I look out at the families who have gathered and notice parents putting their arms around their children and a few people shedding tears. But mostly they are smiling at this beautiful day. Like Kasey, this day of families coming together in love and fun wouldn"t exist if the tragedy hadn"t happened. But we must take the good in life whatever its source.
Someday I"ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me ...
I look up into the sunny sky and think about Emma, Alyson, Katie, Kasey, Warren, and me, and how we will all be together again someday. Over the rainbow.
Acknowledgments
Warren, you are the strongest person I will ever know. Your pain is so deep, yet you never stopped being a father, a friend, and especially, a husband. You taught our girls wonderful values such as loyalty, honesty, and hard work. My greatest wish is for you to have peace and to be able to hug the girls again. How lucky we are to have Kasey, who has brought sunshine and love back into our lives. Your five ladies love you forever.
Mom, thank you for teaching me compa.s.sion and forgiveness. You truly are a rock star and always will be. I get my strength from you. Dad, I love you and miss you. You are the most generous person I know, and I learned what being a good friend is from you. You have a giant heart.
Stephen, my brother and friend, you have been holding my hand since we were kids and you will always be my rock. Mark, you have a heart as big as Dad"s, and thank you for loving the girls as much as you do. I am happy you have the wonderful family you always deserved.
Mr. Hance, you are a wonderful example of selflessness, and you have been a wonderful role model for your children and grandchildren.
John and David, Warren is lucky to have you as his brothers. We are grateful for you both. David, the two years of weekends you spent at our house really made a difference.
Sheila and Mike, Dan and Sarah, Amy and Kristie, Jeff and Michele, Caroline, Emma, Maggie, Lori, and Melanie, thank you for being at our side at every birthday and foundation event. Ca.s.sie, you answered my calls and always came when I needed you, no matter what time of day.
Cortney, Kara, and Tiffany, my Jersey girls, you are my friends for life, my sisters. We have shared every moment, good and bad, together. Thank you for never letting a bridge get in the way of being by my side.
Isabelle, Jeannine, and Melissa, I love you, and feel blessed to have you as my friends. You are my family. I would not be where I am today without each one of you. Your love for my girls is beautiful. It brings me such peace to know how much love they have always had from you, and still do.
My running group-Bernadette, Carrie, Una, and Kerry-thank you for never taking no as an answer and for showing up on my doorstep before dawn. Running made me feel normal and gave me a reason to start my day. Without you, I may have stayed in bed forever, but you would never let me.
Karen, I am grateful for your dedication and friendship, and for making Tuesdays so important. Denine, thank you for coming to my house every Monday night and after Kasey was born, giving me peace and sleep and time to get my confidence back as a mom. Tara, you made me Charlotte"s G.o.dmother when I didn"t think I was ready, and it meant so much. To my many other Floral Park friends, including Heather, Maria, Liz, Stephanie, Tricia, Kathy, Jane, Jen, and so many more, you were incredibly kind to show up with food at my door and support and laughter always. You always knew what to do to make things better. Maria and Anthony, we are so happy for the Christmas Eve tradition you have given us.
Laura, Tia, Gina, Kathy, Libby, and Desi, having you as neighbors and friends gave Warren and me such comfort, and knowing the wonderful time my girls had living on this block gives my heart a little peace. Laura, we will never forget that you came running over too many times to count. Warren and I are so thankful for all you do. Denise, you are Warren"s right arm, and in his professional and personal life you have never let him down.
My prayer group, thank you for helping me get back to the power of prayer. You always welcome me with open arms, and I leave each time with a sense of calm.