"Fired!" he shouted again. "Get your stuff and get out!"
"Fine!" I turned and stomped to the back, where I grabbed my coat and my time card. Then I stomped toward the front. "Here!" I said, smacking my time card down on the counter. "You owe me for six days, since before New Year"s!"
"Get out!" he screamed.
I faced Meriwether, who looked like nothing so much as a trembling aspen. "Hang in there," I told her. "Sorry your dad"s such a b.a.s.t.a.r.d."
Her eyes widened, and Old Mac drew in a furious breath. I stomped outside into the dark, only to remember that I now had to go home and admit I was fired. That I was unable to keep a job that a reasonably bright chimp could do. Ugh.
As soon as I was out of sight of MacIntyre"s Drugs, I slowed down. Stupidly, I had walked in the wrong direction-my car was parked behind me. But there was no way I would walk past that bright picture window again.
I gritted my teeth, angry and agitated. What a terrible scene. He"d actually fired me. And had I also hurt Meriwether with my words? Her face had been bloodless. c.r.a.p. I saw that I was in front of Early"s Feed and Farmware, our local general store. I went in.
What was I going to tell River? Everything is a choice. Everything. Including shouting awful things at one"s boss, causing one to get one"s a.s.s fired.
I headed to the candy section, and after some agonized deliberation got some sour apple Now and Laters. Which everyone knows should be called Now or Laters.
I was in the middle of checking out, giving the cashier my money, when I happened to glance toward the back of the store. I saw a familiar flash of green-streaked brown hair. Dray!
The boy was counting out my change, so I couldn"t go over to her, but I tried to catch her eye. Which is why I saw her boosting some batteries, slipping them off their holder and shoving them under her jacket.
My heart fell.
"Miss?" The boy held out my receipt.
"Thanks." I took it and headed for the exit, going over all the ways this day had sucked. Outside I leaned against the building and unwrapped a Now and Later. It had started to snow; fine white flakes were drifting down, already sticking to the cars parked along the street.
I didn"t have to wait long. Dray came out a few minutes later, walking casually through the doors and then hooking a sharp right and starting to speed up.
"Yo."
She turned at my voice and saw me. I held out an N and L. She hesitated, not quite stopping.
"It"s sour apple," I said in a coaxing, singsong voice.
She made a face and took it from my hand.
"How are things?" I asked.
She shrugged, not looking at me. "Fine."
"Me too. Thanks for asking."
She shrugged again and put the candy in her mouth.
I decided that quizzing her about her holidays was probably a bad idea. "So... what have you been up to?"
"The usual. Volunteering at church. Reading to the blind." She chewed with her mouth open slightly, watching the snow fall.
"Have you thought more about getting out of here?" The last time we"d talked, before the holidays, I"d urged her to leave West Lowing in her rearview mirror.
Her heavily rimmed eyes shifted to me. "No. What"s wrong with being here?" Her tone was belligerent. It was like looking into a mirror from six months earlier. Or even from a week ago. Gosh, it must be so rewarding for other people to interact with me.
"I thought you want to get out of here, get away from people who can"t appreciate your inner beauty," I said. The sour apple tingled in the back of my throat.
She was bored. "I"m fine." It was like she had taken the online correspondence course called "You Can Be Nasty, Too!"
And just as people dealing with me soon lose their patience, I lost mine.
"Is that why you"re nicking batteries from Early"s?"
She frowned. "Nicking?"
"Stealing."
She rolled her eyes. Snowflakes were landing on her head and melting against her hair. It was supercold, and I"d just gotten fired and possibly really hurt Meriwether"s feelings.
"Dray, c"mon, we talked," I said. "I told you that you should get out of this one-Wal-Mart town. Why are you here, stealing stuff?"
"Who are you?" she snapped. "My social worker? What gives you the right to tell me anything?"
Probably a regular person would have realized the truth in her words at this point and backed off. That"s so not me.
"I"m someone you should listen to!" I snapped back. "I know more than you, have done more than you, have been more worse-off than you! I"m more you than you"ll ever be! And you know and I know that this town is going to drag you down! You"re hanging around with losers, doing stupid-a.s.s stuff like crashing school dances and lifting batteries, for G.o.d"s sake-and now you"re standing here like everything"s fine? Come on!"
Dray stared at me, furious. "Screw you!" Her voice was loud, and some women leaving Early"s looked over at us. "You"re so together? You have no family, no friends-you"re in rehab at some stupid farm, and you"re working at a freaking drugstore in the middle of East Jesus! And you"re lecturing me? You never even graduated high school! You"re a big joke!"
My mouth opened to defend myself, then shut abruptly. I had no family, I"d left all my friends, I was in a much more serious rehab situation than she knew, I"d actually gotten fired from my pathetic job, and I have not ever actually graduated from any high school, as it turns out.
When you put it that way, maybe I should curl up in a s...o...b..nk and not freeze to death.
She sneered at the look on my face. "Truth hurts, huh?"
"That is such a cliche," I muttered.
"You"re a cliche," she said coldly. "You"re going around trying to help people, but you"re such a screwup yourself! And you can"t see it!"
"I can see I"m a screwup!" That didn"t come out the way I"d intended.
I totally recognized her mean, defensive face. "Yeah, I bet. Go off and take care of your own problems. Leave me alone." She turned and headed off into the night.
"Dray!" I yelled, with zero plan for anything to say after that.
Without turning around, she shot me the finger.
Yeah, that had gone well.
CHAPTER 10.
Since this day was the hill that c.r.a.p kept rolling down, I still had to admit I"d been fired. I darted past the lit window at MacIntyre"s Drugs, casting a fast glance inside. I was relieved to see only an empty store and skittered over to my car.
River"s Edge had many lit windows, promising warmth. In the yard, snow coated everything like powdered sugar. I climbed out of my car and trudged toward the house, wondering if I could slink upstairs and into a hot bath without anyone noticing me. I climbed the stairs and quietly opened the dark green front door- "Hey! Nastasya! They"re making Chinese food for dinner!" In the front hall, Amy actually bounced on her heels a couple times in excitement. "And Charles lived in China, so he knows the real way!"
How did she know that Charles had lived in China? I didn"t. She"d just gotten here!
Anne came forward with a smile. "Hi-how was your day? It"s bitter out there."
My plan of sneaking upstairs and faking illness evaporated.
"I got fired!" I blurted, and felt my chin quivering, my face crumpling. Because I hadn"t been humiliated enough today, we were going to go the extra mile of crying in front of everyone, including Anne"s adorable sister whom Reyn had made chocolate dessert for.
"Oh, honey," said Anne, and immediately came to hug me, patting my back as if I were a child with a sc.r.a.ped knee. "I"m so sorry. I know Mr. MacIntyre must be awful to work for."
"What happened?" River"s voice.
"James MacIntyre fired her today," Anne said over my shoulder. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to face River.
"Oh, goodness," said River. "Well, you lasted an amazingly long time. It was only a matter of when you would sneeze wrong and he would give you the boot."
They were taking my side. Instantly, without hearing the facts. They knew me, and they were still sticking up for me. I straightened and opened my eyes, dragging the back of one hand under my nose. "I didn"t sneeze wrong."
"What happened?" River asked.
"He was screaming at Meriwether, his daughter who works there, and she was crying, and I thought he might actually even hit her, and I didn"t want to use magick to stop him-that would be wrong," I put in virtuously, "so I lost it and shouted awful things at him and said he was ruining his life and that his own daughter was afraid of him." I took a breath. "Then he yelled that I was fired and to get out and he never wanted to see me again."
Actually, I didn"t come off too badly there-defending the innocent, etc. And it was all true. I hadn"t captured the depth of the awfulness, or Meriwether"s shocked, pale face and the fact that in trying to hurt her dad I may have hurt her, too. But that was the gist.
"Hmm," River said. I couldn"t read the expression in her eyes. It wasn"t anger or condemnation or disappointment.
"How awful," said Anne, patting my back again. "But I have an idea about what might make you feel better."
"Ice cream?" Hope flared in my chest.
"No," she said, grinning. "A nice meditation session. We just have time before dinner. Join the four of us." She gestured to herself, Amy, Rachel, and Daisuke, who had gathered in the hall while I was pouring out my story.
Oh G.o.d, no, I thought.
"An excellent idea!" said River, wearing the slight smirk that told me she knew exactly what I was thinking. "Go along now. I know you"ll feel much more centered afterward."
Anne started up the stairs, followed by the others, and I lingered, hoping River would say she was just kidding and what I really needed was a Scotch and a hot bath. She smiled and smoothed my snow-damp hair. "You really will feel better afterward," she said softly.
I sighed and headed up the stairs. They were insidious with their niceness.
I hadn"t tried to meditate since my self-introspection flop on New Year"s Eve. This was the last thing I felt like doing. Would I ever be well enough to be able to say, No, thanks, no meditation for me right now? Surely I would get to a point where I wasn"t so obviously damaged that people wanted to fling me into meditation circles every time I turned around. Right?
I breathed in and out. My washout day ebbed away from me. My stomach unknotted; my shoulders unhunched. This moment was serene and perf- Nastasya"s power is so amazingly strong. I worry- My spine straightened a little-who had thought that? It had already been pointed out how unusual it was that I could sometimes hear people"s thoughts during meditation. Apparently your run-of-the-mill immortal was not burdened with knowing what people thought about them. But who here was worried about me? Surely Anne, as the only teacher here. But maybe Rachel or Daisuke, both of whom were really advanced? I calmed my breathing and opened myself up to receive more.
I should give away Shiro"s pot.
This I recognized as Daisuke. His thought came to me in a flash: He had a small, beautiful bowl that his brother had made. His brother was dead, and this was the only thing that Daisuke had of his. He was agonizing about his need to divest himself of all belongings and his desire to keep a little part of his brother with him always.
Should go home and see Mom soon...
That was Rachel. I wondered where her mom was. I knew Rachel was originally from Mexico.
I"m going to be all over Reyn like ugly on an ape.
I almost choked on my spit and forced myself to swallow slowly. That would be Amy. She was facing her emotions. She was not refusing to deal with things. Because the thing she was dealing with was her intense desire to be a normal person with a hot guy jump on some stranger she didn"t even know.
Nastasya, you are such a chickens.h.i.t.
What? Who was that?! Oh, wait-it was me.
What?
You are such a chickens.h.i.t. You act so tough, but really you"re a gooey marshmallow of schoolgirl fears. You keep saying you want to get better, but only if you don"t have to do anything hard.
What does that mean? I am working hard!
No. Your "working hard" consists of not fighting everyone about everything. And that"s a start. But you have to do more than just not say no.
What the eff?
You have to be active, not pa.s.sive. You can"t just storm away from Meriwether, from Dray, from Reyn. You can make things right. You, Nas, actually have to grow the h.e.l.l up. At last.
Well.
I guess we"re just walking in the truth here.
I was practically hyperventilating with anger. How dare my own subconscious turn on me? How dare- You"re deflecting what you need to do by focusing on being angry.
I almost snorted, furious.
"Okay, let"s start to come out," said Anne softly.
Who did my subconscious think she was? I opened my eyes, mad that Anne had suggested I do this, that River had made me. Daisuke, across from me, looked troubled, no closer to an answer about his brother"s bowl. Rachel looked thoughtful. Anne had her eyes on me. And Amy? The jonesing-for-Reyn Amester? I glanced at her, then stifled a shriek, jerking backward.
Amy had Incy"s face, handsome and unearthly. She had Incy"s dark, intense stare, his dark curls, his eyes locked on mine. I saw my visions of him, my dreams.... It was all I could do to not leap to my feet. Instead I blinked and sucked in a quick breath, and then Amy was just Amy again.
Everyone was looking at me.
I brushed my hand against my mouth. It was trembling. "Sorry," I muttered. "Optical illusion." He was haunting me, stalking my mind, and I felt scared. Dreams, illusions, were hard enough to deal with. If he was going to be around during a normal waking day, then I was going to be seriously wigged-out.