Proofread by Yin Jing
Marquis w.a.n.g Ping is a military general. In the society which values literary talent above martial arts, it is rare for him, a general, to be given his own fiefdom. There are four provinces and more than three million people in his feudal territory, most of whom are required to learn literature, while those who learn martial arts are truly few. There has been no warfare for more than sixty years in the Great An, so "war" at all is an extremely strange word to all the people who feel it is far from them. What"s more, the present emperor seems to be a man who only lives an insipid life, having no pursuit of expanding and conquering the territories.
The national examination is great for other feudal lords but not for Marquis w.a.n.g Ping. He doesn"t care about it. For the reason that military generals are often under the oppression of civilians, there is even an undercurrent of antipathy towards this exam in his mind. Anyhow, he knows that is not something he has to worry about, because all the exams will be invigilated by the a.s.signed officials of the Great An. And all the tests are unified, thus the only thing he has to do is to seal the recommendation letters of the top ten with his own seal. That"s his work.
Heaven walks to the exam hall with the flow, looking all around along the way in order to find the two gutsy girls, who might dare to risk their death to take this examination to become number one female scholars. Heaven also greets those who recognize him ever and again. He feels really good to be a minor celebrity. But at last, Heaven still doesn"t see the two fraud gentlemen. A sense of loss creeps upon his heart.
Having his mind stuffed with two beauties, Heaven suddenly is waken up by a crowing of c.o.c.ks. "Attention! By the Emperor"s order, the unified imperial compet.i.tive examination of the Great An starts now! And I will read out the rules of the examination hall..." G.o.d, amazing! Heave Li, meets an eunuch, who he only knows from legend! He is dying for stripping him naked to study for a while carefully. Of course, academically. He, does not have any bad hobbies.
For the first time! No matter what it is, the first times are always a little bit nerve-racking. Heaven takes a sharp, deep breath to calm down his mind, then turns over the exam paper slowly.
"Oh, my gosh, how can it be called exam?" Heaven"s eyes almost pop out of his head. There is only one line on it. "G.o.d, Emperor, the stability and prosperity of the Great An."
s.h.i.t! Heaven originally thought that it could be something about poetry, which he could copy others". In this way, his own capacity is out of reach now. Vaguely, an ode to Buddha written by Empress Wu Zetian crosses his mind, "The dogmata of belief of Buddha are elusory and of paramount profoundness. And were we not born to suffer trials and tribulations? Too hard to comprehend the truth of doctrines! From now on, I know what I should do -- to abide by the Buddhist teachings of self-cultivation -- in order to thoroughly understand Buddhism." "I do not know whether this is definitely accurate, either. But if I apply this to apple-polish Sun G.o.d? How irrelevant! Also test requires acceptable connections among G.o.d, emperor and the stability and prosperity of the Great An! The examiner must be mad! Alas, it seems that it must be lucky if he will not be at the bottom of the pack, and he should have not expected to be among top ten at all. Anyway, I have enough money! If not, I am able to start my own business! It is not bad to be a moneybag!"
Taking these into consideration, Heaven raises his hand. "Sir, could I hand in my papers now?"
"What? Are you finished? Impossible! I just handed out the papers!"
Having heard his voice, all the other partic.i.p.ants look at Heaven in great astonishment.
"Nope, I don"t mean that...it"s a blank one, no answer." Heaven says in embarra.s.sment.
"Oh my Sun G.o.d, do my ears deceive me? You just intended to hand in a blank paper?" The examiner doubles his mouth so much that his chin almost drops. And a blast of guffaw breaks out from partic.i.p.ants.
"Shame! What a shame! It"s absolutely a shame ever in the Great An! I will report it to our Great Majesty! Your rudeness will be annunciated throughout the whole nation. And your family will be written into the annals of history as a part of negative teaching materials! What"s your name? Spit it out! My patience is wearing thin! You ..."
"Okay! G.o.d, I"ll do it. I"ll do it... Oh Sun G.o.d, is it that serious? Just hand in a blank paper! Look at how angry he is! If he would have fainted in a pet, I should be branded as a murderer who kills an official! Don"t they behead me in that case?"
"s.h.i.t! Just to apple-polish the Sun G.o.d, and attach personality cult to emperor at the same time! What the h.e.l.l! I do not believe, that I can not hold you a.s.sholes down." Heaven lifts the pen and starts to write. In a while, he finishes the paper fleetingly, hands in it to the examiner and strides out of the hall when the others are all in a daze.
In Heaven"s memory, it is the first time that he has finished a paper at leisure. For the sake of bootlicking all these three themes simultaneously, Heaven recalls a song which has ever been exceedingly popular for a period. Even if he just changes the lyrics a little bit, the Sun G.o.d will be greatly flattered because of his flowery speech.
Millions of ships sailing at sea depend on helmsmen and seamen.
All living beings thrive on the Sun G.o.d!
Growth of grain seedlings is due to rain and dew.
Wealthy and strong country relies on the brilliant rays of our Majesty!
Majesty of the Great An!
You are the never-set sun!
"With regard to apple-polishing, I can run him over with flattery." The examiner comes over with a disdainful look towards Heaven"s back, takes up his paper which he glances over roughly. Humph! It"s better than the former one, even though it just includes a few lines. But the moment that he ends up reading, the examiner collapses to the ground at one blow.
"Sir? Sir!"
"Somebody come! Quick! Get him back and takes him into custody!" The other examiners feel overwhelmed in astonishment.
"Alas! An unlucky year! How unlucky I am! Did I bootlick wrongly? Or are there any taboos in the Great An? Sitting in the cold prison cell, Heaven actually regrets what he has done. I should have handed in the blank one! Just be annunciated throughout the whole nation! Just my family will be written into the annals of history as a part of negative teaching materials! At least, I would be remembered for centuries, for better or for worse. I am finished now! I will probably be banished to the frontier! I wish it is not a death sentence! I have never heard of any precedents who were sentenced to death as a result of flattery! Am I going to be this kind of first-timer? I"ve got the blues."
When Heaven is buried in depression, even Marquis w.a.n.g Ping is shocked by the fact that the examiner fainted on account of a partic.i.p.ant. It"s really a big deal! The examiner is Grand Scholar Liu Dong, who is a favorite with the emperor.
"Come one! What a cheeky man! No matter what, let"s bludge on him with plank for thirty times first! And send for our famous doctor, s.h.i.t. Don"t let anything bad happen on my land! Otherwise, those civil officials will take pleasure in my misfortune unitedly to trump up a charge against me!" Marquis w.a.n.g Ping yelps furiously, then two subordinates promptly go out to find the poor unfortunate who strokes the fur the wrong way.
The two execution officers might have taken stimulants, bludgeoning Heaven with might and main, as if he is their personal enemy for generations. Then they exclusively bring Heaven to the exam hall to execute punishment publicly, which will serve as a warning to others. "Oh, my gosh, don"t beat! Ah! Ah...I"ll complain against you! Ah...Don"t beat, please! I"ll change, ah! Ah... I dare no longer to suck up to our emperor! Ouch!" His voice is just like a wolf as a result of extreme torture.
Those poor students all can"t take the paper in stride with their trembling hands, for they are afraid of being the second Heaven. What"s more, the percentage of partic.i.p.ants who wet their pant reaches up to thirty percent.
After doctor"s ma.s.sage and acupuncture treatment, the poor examiner finally wakes up. At this moment, Marquis w.a.n.g Ping breathes a sigh of relief, for this examiner is safe and sound at long last.
"Guys, someone gives me paper and pen! I am going to write a memorial to our great emperor!" The examiner just woke up, but quavers in sound.
"What? Grand Scholar Liu! Is it that serious? It is totally not necessary to submit a memorial to the throne for such trivial matters. Majesty? He is always busy burn." w.a.n.g Ping sports a sour face slightly, for he strongly dislikes those civil officers who often submit memorials to the throne at every turn.
"No-no, I have been beavering away in literature and history since my childhood, but I have never thought that I could read an article so rich and bright in my lifetime! A rare talent! A real finding! I recommend him without reservation to our great Majesty in person! Come on, invite that scholar to the courier hostel that I live in! And keep in mind, must do a good job to entertain him. A treasure! A valuable acquisition!"
"Ah! Oh! I think that it"s better to invite him to my mansion first until you complete all your exam task. When you finish correcting all the papers, please come to my home. And how about grabbing a drink together! Such a rare talent in my people! I"m on cloud nine! I"m over the moon!" After he said this, w.a.n.g Ping gives a knowing look to a subordinate who then quickly runs away like a fly to the exam hall. Marquis w.a.n.g Ping does not want Grand Scholar Liu to know that the rare talent in his heart is screaming and shouting at the top of his voice under server torture.
Heaven just switches his way from h.e.l.l to heaven at a stroke -- He was just being bludgeoned and cried for his mother just now, but they suddenly reinvent him into a VIP. Heaven sprawls out in the deluxe bed, and after consultation, famous doctors prescribe a great many courses of treatment and applies ointments to his hip. The servants serve Heaven with daily routines and some girls are special to ma.s.sage his limbs, which doctors said that it would be good for accelerating blood circulation and in this case, it would heal faster. This huge contrast baffles Heaven, which makes him think that this might be Ox-headed and Horse-faced"s credit. However, it is still kind of unaccustomed to bare his hip in front of so many servant girls.
How effective natural herbs are! In no more than three days, the wound on his hip is scabby, so that he is able to put on his pants with a bad grace. "Thank G.o.d, I can no more bare my hips now! During these three days, those servant girls have been gazing at my hip strangely, only to make me feel panic-stricken. Are they voyeurs?"
"Daddy, what"s up?"
Stroking his beard, Marquis w.a.n.g Ping looks at his dear daughter with his eyes filled with love.
"My dear, I look for you and your elder sister, just because I"d like to have dinner with you two. I have been very busy these days and it"s been a long time since we"ve had dinner together. Look at how beautiful my daughters become! Hhha..."
"Is there any good news, Dad? You laugh so happily!" While they are talking, a girl who looks like a slender flower of jade walks in.
"Sis, Dad wants to dine with us! And he said that you would marry a good man! Hee-hee!"
"What nonsense you blah? I"ll knock you flat, un huh?"
Watching two daughters playing with each other, Marquis w.a.n.g Ping just smiles without a word. Since the Marquise pa.s.sed away ten years ago, he has never been remarried and devoted all his love to his two daughters. The elder one is sixteen this year, and the second is one year younger, just at the age of fifteen for few months.
"Bring that poor unfortunate here, we"ll have dinner together." Marquis w.a.n.g Ping bids.
"Master, that genius is still in bad condition. I"m afraid that he is unable to walk. So..." One steward says hurriedly.
"If he can"t walk, lift him here! Idiot." As a military general, w.a.n.g Ping doesn"t take literati etiquette seriously.
The steward just tried to tell something but gives up with his head shaking reluctantly, then walks out of the room obediently.
"Genius? Daddy, what kind of genius?" The elder daughter asks in curiosity.
"How can I know what a s.h.i.t genius he is! I just heard that Grand Scholar Liu fainted at the exam hall, just because of him! I got very angry so I gave him punishment in return! However, I had never known that Liu fainted in astonishment because of his rich and bright writing until Liu woke up! What the h.e.l.l is this! To save my own face, I just brought him back our home to cure his wound. Otherwise, if those d.a.m.n civil officers knew what I had done, they must have talked up babblingly that I was bullying literati! Anyhow, he is one of my people in my fiefdom, and won glory for me. Now think about it, it"s better to meet him." Marquis w.a.n.g Ping understates the whole story carelessly.
"Grand Scholar Liu fainted because of his literary talent?" The elder daughter replies in amazement.
"Hhhha! What a poor guy! Punished by daddy for no reason at all! I do want to see who the unlucky guy is!" The younger daughter bursts her sides with laughing.
After a while, the poor guy she ever mentioned is just lifted here. But instead of a sedan chair, he is lifted on a long board. Heaven lies on his belly on the board.
"My great Marquis w.a.n.g, nice to meet you! For my server injury, I am not able to bow a kowtow, I bed your understanding." Without looking up, Heaven lies on the board covered with a silk quilt. Even though his gesture is a little bit undignified, his words are still very polite.
"Eh-hem! I do not blame you. I just want to invite you, a genius, to have a family dinner with us. But...I think... not this time. We can have another one after your wound cures." Marquis speaks in embarra.s.sment.
No wonder, he can"t lie on the board when having dinner with Marquis" family. Once having heard of this Marquis" gentle character, he has this time as a good chance to observe. "Thanks for your great grace, Marquis." After he said, Heaven looks up at Marquis w.a.n.g Ping furtively. Hum, not bad. Quite a majestic-looking man.
"Ah! It"s you!" Two screams come from sideways.
Until hearing the voice, Heaven realizes that here are two beauties standing by Marquis.