Proofread by Yin Jing
My G.o.d, did I hear that right? He wants me to be a tricker? Shortly after I was engaged to the beauties, and was separated from them by their father. Once again, before seeing the emperor, I encounter a monk! Isn’t it unethical to take business from your peers? I don’t want to be a monk!
In Heaven’s eyes, the Messenger’s smile looks like nothing but unfavorable. With an unspeakable anger welling up in his heart, he decides to go the whole hog --- at worst he can run away to another country without any pa.s.sport!
“How about it? Child of the G.o.d, thou shall salute to your master, the Great Messenger myself!” The Messenger is still indulging in self-delusion.
“Hey bro, you are not much elder than me. And I, I have a lot of work to do. So I can’t join your organization, as I want to live a normal life.” Heaven fixes his eyes on the Messenger.
The narcissistic Messenger is so surprised that he almost falls onto the ground. “What? How dare you defy the G.o.d’s order? Call me bro? How dare...”
“Enough! Don’t play etiquette with me, because I used to be your peer! Being a tricker is not easy. From now on let’s just mind our own business, OK?” Honestly speaking, facing such an idiot, Heaven doesn’t feel like smashing his confidence.
“O G.o.d, please forgive me! The man before me is a devil from h.e.l.l! Wait, I shall pet.i.tion Your Majesty for demoting you to a dest.i.tute! No, to an eunuch!” Out of anger, even the Messenger’s face is distorted.
“s.h.i.t! How dare you threaten me? So malicious! Threaten me? Demote me to an eunuch? d.a.m.n...” Heaven beats him up. Fortunately, n.o.body is around --- supposing the Messenger has something confidential to say, Liu has withdrawn all the people.
“Ouch! Gosh! My SUN G.o.d!! I shall have a duel with you!” Screams the Messenger, then furiously grasps Heaven’s hair. Unguardedly Heaven stumbles over the Messenger’s clamping legs. The two men fall to the ground together.
“s.h.i.t! How dare you play dirty! Tricker, I"ll kick your f.u.c.king a.s.s!” Heaven reaches for the Messenger as well, but when touching the Messenger’s shaved head, he realizes that his opponent really takes great advantage of it. So he reaches for the Messenger’s ears instead. h.e.l.l, they are both fighting like shrews!
Back in the days, Heaven had gotten into fights. Besides, the half-year-long wood-chopping and water-carrying have also strengthened his physique. However, not until this moment does Heaven realize that the most tiring thing in the world is the shrews’ fight. A few moments later, they are both tired and panting, but neither of them gives up.
“You, let me go.”
“So long as you release me first.”
“s.h.i.t.”
“Son of b.i.t.c.h!”
At last the cornered tricker starts to abuse. They insult each other by cursing everything one can imagine. To their surprise, this amazing verbal battle eventually comes to a draw.
Now their faces are splattered with spit. The Messenger holds Heaven’s hair with both hands, while his ears are held by Heaven.
“Bloke, you have b.a.l.l.s. In the Great An n.o.body dares to treat me like this! I truly admire you.”
“Tricker, you are always posing in public. I never think that you can swear more than me!”
“Same here. You are not bad. If you release me firstly I won’t trouble you!”
“d.a.m.n, who are you kidding? Why should I believe a tricker’s word? I tell you, if it can’t be solved today, I would rather perish together with you! Anyway I have little to lose!”
“You idiot, what do you want?”
“Give me an a.s.surance.”
“All right, I will swear in the name of G.o.d!”
“Stop. I don’t believe in that guy. Change a way.” Heaven won’t be fooled by doubtful talk.
“d.a.m.n you, what exactly do you want?!” The tricker is really cornered --- he never feels wronged like this!
“Give me a letter of a.s.surance. From now on, by no means will you mention it or take revenge on me.”
“d.a.m.n it, you are shrewder than the monkey! I will do so, but in return neither can you mention what has happened today! Otherwise I won’t let you off.”
“OK. One, two, three --- let’s release together!”
They both sit down on the ground. Heaven’s scalp is stinging; the tricker’s ears are also swollen because of Heaven’s grasp.
The tricker grinds his teeth, staring at his opponent maliciously.
“Why do you look at me? There are brush and paper on the table, pick them up and write the letter. But because of negligence I have let you grasp my hair. Write or fight again, but this time you will regret it!” With that, Heaven suddenly reveals the knife hidden in his sleeve, and plays with it with no effort.
His performance really frightens the tricker. “Y-you want to kill me?”
“Huh! I won’t kill you. I will just inscribe the word ‘sanctimony’ on it. With such words, will you be shameless enough to continue appearing in public?” For a face-saving tricker, this punishment is severer than murder!
“d.a.m.n! I can write the letter, but you are not allowed to let anyone see it! Otherwise, I would rather perish than write it.”
“Don’t worry, considering my personal safety, I won’t let anyone else in this world see my amulet! From now on, we’re all in the same boat.”
The tricker also knows that Heaven dares not show the letter so long as he doesn’t trouble Heaven. After all, even if he is exposed, the emperor will kill Heaven to save his face.
Heaven reads the letter of a.s.surance, then tells the tricker to stamp a thumbprint and impress his personal seal. Only after finishing all of these, does Heaven smile at him trustingly.
“What are we laughing at? Look at me and my clothes --- how can I go out like this?”
“You are really stupid! Why not have your man send your clothes here and let Liu’s men send a barrel of bath water? Then we can take a bath, change our clothes before getting outside. Don’t tell me you are unable to tell a lie!”
Regardless of the tricker’s att.i.tude, Heaven shouts at the door, “The Messenger has something to command!”
What the tricker can do is to point at Heaven with his shaking finger, “Shameless!”
Hearing the call, Liu’s subordinates come to the door at once. “Your Honor, please give your command.” They have no courage to enter the room.
The tricker clears his throat and begins sanctimoniously, “The Great Sun G.o.d just gave his oracle. This child of the G.o.d, Heaven Li, shall accept the supreme blessing, so as to purge his sinful heart. Go and carry a bathtub filled with clear water, tell my servants to send a brand new robe. This sinful child shall have a new suit too, since the holy light will be used to purge his bad karma. Go, children of the G.o.d. Alasika!”
My G.o.d, this man deserves to be a high-level tricker! How can he keep mentioning G.o.d even when he is telling a lie? Comparing with him, I’m really faltering!
In a moment, a large bathtub is carried into the room by four strong men, while two suits are brought in by the G.o.d’s Servant. None of these men looks up. Instead, they back out reverently, closing the door while leaving. Heaven furtively peeps in through the crack of the door, seeing the excited Grand Scholar Liu standing at the door. Well, as for them, few people can accept the Sun G.o.d’s blessing!
“Hey tricker, can you tell me that how can you become the top tricker at such a young age? Maybe I can learn from you, and we can exchange experience!” Now that both in the same boat, they might as well have a chat to promote their relationship! Moreover, now they are in the same tub nakedly, having nothing to hide!
“I warn you, don’t call me tricker anymore.”
“OK, OK, I won’t call that in public, all right? Now you can tell me.”
“It’s a long time ago...”
“Stop. I have no interest in The Thousand and One Nights. Tell me frankly. ”
“d.a.m.n!” Swears the tricker and continues, “The former Messenger was my teacher. He died and I succeeded him as the next Messenger.”
“That’s it? Is it that simple?’
“s.h.i.t, will you stop it? I’m already hungry!” Answers the tricker dissatisfiedly.
“It’s not difficult! Watch me.” Says Heaven, then shouts at the door, “The Messenger is casting! He needs some support! Please send us some food and drink!”
The tricker also exclaims tacitly, “O great Sun G.o.d! Merciful you are, please accept the sincerest oblation from your servant! Alasika!”
There is a bustle outside the door. The Grand Scholar has gone. His and the tricker’s subordinates are waiting outside.
Looking at each other, Heaven and the tricker simultaneously give thumb-ups, saying “I admire you!”
Alas, the world is really crazy! As for Heaven, he never expects that the first thing he does in the capital is to drink with a tricker nakedly!
In short, after the sacred Messenger left, Heaven is arranged to live in Liu’s mansion, waiting for the emperor’s decree.
During this time, Grand Scholar Liu is too busy to be seen. Therefore, Heaven decides to read more books so as to understand the situation of this crazy world --- kings and bears often worry their keepers. He may die if he makes some mistake while meeting the emperor!
The placid life doesn’t last long. It is interrupted by the eunuch’s sissy voice, “With the decree of the Great An’s emperor, I notify you, Heaven Li, the great scholar from Pingdu enter the palace to meet Your Majesty.”