Sam, sensing the cleft, crossed his arms.
"But you know what would be the right thing to do," Mark added.
He cast a dark look at Jill, and suddenly she found it impossible to censor herself. She nudged his arm-actually, batted it was more accurate-and stalked away from the group again.
"Look at it from Evelyn"s perspective," Mark said as he followed her. "She"s not going to have unlimited chances to do this trip."
"And Sam is?"
"Sam only wants it because everyone else wants it."
"Easy for you to say," said Jill, "you with your sure spot in the paddle boat."
"Are you forgetting about last night? Someone puking in the tent?"
Jill stopped. "What in G.o.d"s name does that have to do with Sam giving up his seat?"
"He could stand to be punished," Mark said.
"Sam drinking and Sam paddling Crystal have nothing to do with each other!"
"The seat is a privilege. When you screw up, you lose some privileges. But put that aside for now. Mostly what I"m saying is, I think it means a whole lot more to Evelyn than it does to Sam."
"And I care about Evelyn because why again?"
"Grow up, Jill," said Mark, lowering his voice. "Be a parent for once. Say no to your kid. Its not going to kill him. In fact, a kid his age-"
"Stop," Jill said, and she whipped around to face him. "This has nothing to do with age. It has nothing to do with Sam. Its really all about you, Mark, or haven"t you noticed?"
Mark looked skeptical, bemused. "Want to educate me here? Because I"m missing something."
"f.u.c.k you you."
"Hasn"t happened lately," he remarked.
"Oh f.u.c.k you! f.u.c.k YOU! YOU! And don"t tell me you don"t know what I mean! You know exactly what I mean! You"re so caught up in looking good to others, Mark! You"ve got to be the good parent all the time, be the generous soul and teach your kids to do the same! Make them give half their Christmas presents to the shelter or pledge half their allowance to the church! Jesus, Mark, don"t you ever want to be selfish?" And don"t tell me you don"t know what I mean! You know exactly what I mean! You"re so caught up in looking good to others, Mark! You"ve got to be the good parent all the time, be the generous soul and teach your kids to do the same! Make them give half their Christmas presents to the shelter or pledge half their allowance to the church! Jesus, Mark, don"t you ever want to be selfish?"
"That"s an interesting perspective on parenting."
His calmness fueled her rage. Like he was above it all.
"I mean, it all comes back, doesn"t it?" he went on. "You give up something, and something else comes back to you? Isn"t that what people call karma?"
"You don"t believe in karma, Mark; you"re a Mormon."
Mark laughed.
"Laugh all you want. But I want you to know, I plan on enjoying myself a little more after this trip. You want to keep giving things up, fine. Give up alcohol. Give up skiing because your knee hurts. Why don"t you give Evelyn your seat, if you think it means so much to her? Oh, because you didn"t get drunk and therefore don"t need to be punished?" She was rambling, and she hated rambling in an argument. Especially with her levelheaded husband.
"No," said Mark patiently. "Because kids ought to defer to adults. Its thoughtful. Its respectful. Its a nice thing to do. Now let"s go back."
"I"m not finished."
Mark sighed. He took a nail clipper from his pocket and began to clip his nails. That did it. She s.n.a.t.c.hed the nail clipper and threw it as far as she could out into the river-a quick sparkle in the air, then gone forever.
But before she had a chance to enjoy any childish satisfaction, she looked over his shoulder and saw the rest of the group watching them. They all looked away quickly, but it was too late: they had seen everything; they had heard everything. Not only that, but as she stood there cringing about what she had revealed about herself and Mark and their marriage-as she stood there feeling just about as naked as she"d ever felt, she saw Sam walk over to Evelyn and begin gesturing.
Mark headed back. Jill wanted to dig a hole and bury herself. She knew she should go back and help load up, but she couldn"t face anyone, and so she stood on the sand, alone, as everybody else started loading up the boats. They could cut her some slack right now, she felt. Because inside she was still livid. All she wanted on this trip was for her family to break their routine, to grow and have fun and see themselves as more capable than they might have thought, back in Salt Lake City.
Was that really too much to ask for?
After some time she saw JT heading toward her. Everybody else was in the boats. This is just too rich, she thought.
"I"m fine," she told him.
"Sam can paddle Lava, if he wants," he said.
"I littered."
"Huh?"
"The nail clipper. I threw it in the river."
"Oh. Well, it"s not a huge deal."
"I can go look for it. I can find it."
"Actually, you probably can"t. Don"t worry about it."
"Where"s Sam?"
"Dixie"s boat."
"I"m really, really sorry you had to witness this," she said.
"Oh," said JT, "I"ve seen worse."
He probably had. But it didn"t make her feel any better.
30.
Day Seven The Big Ones Miles 9398 It was was fun; there was no doubt about it: for all his chatter about appreciating the smaller moments on a river trip, JT couldn"t deny that sometimes a thirty-second thrill in big water could trump everything else. fun; there was no doubt about it: for all his chatter about appreciating the smaller moments on a river trip, JT couldn"t deny that sometimes a thirty-second thrill in big water could trump everything else.
Pushing off above Granite Rapid, he hoisted himself into his boat, took his seat, and wiggled into place. The air was spiced with honey, and the sun was working its way down the cliffs. He shoved a stick of gum into his mouth, pulled a few strokes, then pivoted around to face downstream. He had Ruth and Lloyd safe in the back, with Amy up front gripping the dog.
Once his boat was out in the current, he stood to get a better view. Strong lateral waves boiled toward a steep wall on the opposite side, rebounding back on themselves. Farther down to the left, a smooth, dark hump of water bulged above an explosion of silvery backwash-the hole he wanted to avoid. His goal was to ride the laterals across, just far enough to avoid the hole but not so far as to slam up against the black wall on the other side. To this end, he picked out a focal point to aim for, and just before they dipped toward that first lateral, he dropped to his seat and grabbed his oars to steady his entry and whoosh whoosh, they scooted up and caught the surf, which seemed to hold them in one place, moving but not moving, except that anyone could see they were plowing toward the wall; and now he had to heave with his right arm, muscling everything from the core to turn the boat downstream-there was the hole on his left, fine, they were going to miss it, but the wall came looming forward and he shouted to Amy to keep her hands in the boat and he pulled and pushed on his oars, and they cruised on by the wall with only a couple of inches to spare.
And as they swirled downstream, Amy twisted around to mouth the words "Oh my G.o.d." JT managed to steady his boat, and they watched Abo and his paddlers narrowly skirt the hole, all six wooden paddles jabbing randomly in the froth, and then Dixie ran it exactly as he had, coming a little too close to the wall, but everyone made it through safely, and JT allowed himself the thought that they were going to have good, safe, fun runs all day long today; luck was on their side, the sun was hot, and the water was fine, and he could already hear Dixie playing her guitar under the starry sky tonight, when it was all behind them.
Amy knew it was the wuss boat, with Ruth and Lloyd in the back and herself up front. She told herself it didn"t really matter. And she was able to believe that, until she looked over at the paddle boat after they ran Granite and saw that Abo had handed out whimsical hats, colorful foam visors in the forms of ducks, frogs, and birds; at which point she could no longer deny that they"d been chosen as an exclusive little club, and she wasn"t in it. She"d been allocated like a meat cooler.
Amy stroked the dog"s ears. She told herself not to dwell on it. And she reminded herself that even if she"d been chosen for the paddle boat, she might have had to decline, for her stomach was still bothering her. She started to open up her day bag for the Tums, but JT warned that they were coming up on Hermit. Was Hermit the one with the wave train? What exactly was was a wave train? She looked downriver to see a long chevron of white water. She hugged the dog tightly, ready for what lay ahead. She wanted the ride of a lifetime. a wave train? She looked downriver to see a long chevron of white water. She hugged the dog tightly, ready for what lay ahead. She wanted the ride of a lifetime.
But instead of heading straight into the rapid, JT angled the boat, and Amy found that they were skirting all the big waves. She looked back in disbelief. Did JT mean to do that? Then she looked over and saw the paddle boat, the A Team, taking it right down the middle, bucking through the giant waves, whooping and screaming as they rose and fell; she looked back at Ruth and Lloyd and realized: of course JT meant to take this route.
Wuss boat, she thought. Gramma boat.
But Amy was good at putting things behind her. She"d done her job this morning by keeping the dog in the boat, and she reminded herself that silly hats didn"t make an A Team. She thought of high school and how it was full of A Teams and B Teams, and it seemed to her that being here, deep in the heart of the Grand Canyon, she could certainly escape that high school habit of cla.s.sifying everyone. Where else would it have such little little relevance, as down here? relevance, as down here?
They ran another rapid, and then she saw that JT was steering the boat toward a rocky debris fan on the right. Across the river, jagged cliffs rose out of the water, glossy black, shot through with glittering veins of pink granite. Second by second, the volume of the roar rose, doubling upon itself until it had drowned out all other sound.
"Is this Crystal?" she shouted to JT.
But JT was already out of the boat, looping his line around a rock to anchor the boat.
"Keep your life jackets on," he instructed everyone as the other two boats pulled in. "Anyone wants to take a quick scout, follow me. Hey. Dog. C"meer." He slipped a rope through the dog"s bandanna.
The paddlers clattered out of their boat. "Hey, honey!" Susan exclaimed. "How"d it go?"
In the wuss boat? "Fine," Amy replied. "Fine," Amy replied.
"Wasn"t Hermit a blast?"
No. We skipped Hermit. Because we"re the WUSS BOAT. "Hermit was cool," she said.
"Let"s not dawdle," said JT, and he led them up through p.r.i.c.kly brush that clawed at her legs. When they reached the edge of the overlook, Amy followed JT"s gaze. Large rocky snags tore the river apart, shredding it into long fingers of white water. How did the guides tell one section of chaos from another?
"... punch on through and keep hugging the right," JT was telling Dixie. He had one arm around her and was pointing with the other. "There"s your marker. Stern first."
"Could you fill us all in?" Mitch.e.l.l asked.
The plan, JT explained, was for a run down the right side, where the water was not so rough. This meant avoiding the entry tongue that angled off to the left at the top of the rapid-for the tongue would carry you straight down into the Hole. Which was not where you wanted to go.
"Why don"t we just hug the sh.o.r.eline?" Evelyn asked.
"Because it"s not a quiet sh.o.r.eline," JT replied, "and if you actually hit hit the sh.o.r.eline, you could ricochet off, and one of those diagonals will take you into the Hole." The safest route at this water level, he explained, was through a narrow channel that ran to the right of the Hole but avoided the sh.o.r.e. the sh.o.r.eline, you could ricochet off, and one of those diagonals will take you into the Hole." The safest route at this water level, he explained, was through a narrow channel that ran to the right of the Hole but avoided the sh.o.r.e.
"That"s the plan, at least," he finished with a grin.
"Where"s this Hole you keep talking about?" Amy asked.
JT pointed. Amy searched, but still, the whole river looked wild and messy and mean below that first drop-off-until she realized that that was was the Hole; she was looking straight at it, a gaping cavity where the water rolled back upon itself, a geological vortex that could swallow you in a second. the Hole; she was looking straight at it, a gaping cavity where the water rolled back upon itself, a geological vortex that could swallow you in a second.
For the first time on the river, Amy was able to picture, clearly, how very small she would be, at the bottom of that vortex.
The plan was for Dixie to run it first, and then Abo. JT would go last, running rescue if needed.
He sculled with his oars and watched the two boats ahead of them. "There she goes," he murmured, watching Dixie"s boat pick up speed. The boat pivoted and cut to the right and then vanished into the waves. Fifteen seconds later, it bobbed up at the bottom of the rapid, all pa.s.sengers on board. Dixie stood up and waved.
JT maneuvered his oars to steady their direction. "Okay, Abo," he murmured, "show your stuff," and now the paddle boat followed in Dixie"s wake, with Abo in back sitting up so straight that he seemed to have grown an extra few inches. He dragged his paddle, angling it now and then, and the paddlers stroked calmly, and then suddenly Abo gave a shout and up front Peter shot forward from the hips, the others quick to follow: torsos, arms, and paddles all moving in synchrony to guide the boat down along the right side of the river, disappearing and then emerging from the spray to join Dixie at the bottom. Over the din of the rapid, Amy heard faint whoops and hollers.
JT braced his feet. "Okay, guys. This is it. Hold on tight. Amy, got the dog?"
All around, skirmishes danced on the surface, and everything seemed pretty harmless-until Amy looked over and saw the long lean muscle of water broaden slightly and then drop off at a sharp angle, down into a huge ragged pocket of foaming backwash, a monstrous upstream wave that had probably been breaking nonstop ever since the first flood rolled the giant rocks into the river. It was twenty feet wide and who knew how deep, bigger than anything she could have imagined from sh.o.r.e, and she knew in an instant just what all the fuss was about.
The boat rocked to one side. A wave splatted against her shoulder. They were cruising close to sh.o.r.e now, but everything was racing by, a blur out of the corner of her eye. She tightened her grip on the dog.
And then maybe the river relaxed. Maybe JT overcompensated for something. But in the middle of one of his heaves, they broadsided a great ridge of water that drenched them. Amy crouched and with her free hand tried to wipe her lenses. Then there was a sharp jolt from below as they snagged on something-something hard, because Amy could feel it under her knee. The boat buckled, and water began pouring in over the tubes.
"Highside!" JT yelled, struggling to hold on to his oars. "Amy! HIGHSIDE!"
Amy lurched forward-or up: it was hard to tell with the boat rising at a forty-five-degree angle. Her foot slipped, and she heard the squeak of rubber as she sprawled forward. She tried to get a foot brace but couldn"t find anything firm except the downside tube-and if she pushed against that, it would bring in more water.
"Highside!" JT kept yelling. "Get up there!" Ruth scuttled across to join Lloyd, but JT waved her back. "Stay where you are!" he shouted to Ruth. "AMY! HIGHSIDE! NOW!" Amy grasped the chickenline and pulled with all her might, but she simply couldn"t move, and the boat continued to rise.
"The dog!" Ruth cried.
Then Amy heard a clunk as JT dropped his oars. In a flash he scrambled up, braced his feet against the pile of gear, and leaned forward to grab the shoulders of Amy"s life jacket. He gave a swift yank, and at the same time her feet found the edge of something firm. The next thing she knew, she lay sprawled on top of JT. Their hats knocked brims, and she was afraid she was going to crush him, but he squirmed and wiggled them up over the tube as far as he could. Now she was looking straight down into rushing water-water that suddenly came looming toward her as the boat dropped and leveled out.
And that was all, basically, that Amy remembered of Crystal. She wasn"t aware of JT scrambling back to his seat. She didn"t hear Lloyd hollering gibberish. She was only aware of ducking down into the damp well of the boat as they thrashed about, with someone"s dirty socks floating loose, water bottles dangling, a pair of Teva sandals swinging from their clip.
Then all the thrashing stopped. The boat kept spinning; dizzily she peered over the edge into calm, blue-black water. They glided up to the other boats, and the guides all stared at one another. Then they burst into laughter.
"How did that that happen?" Dixie exclaimed. happen?" Dixie exclaimed.
"I was sure you guys were gone," Abo declared. "I told my paddlers, "They"re gone. They"re toast. They"re history, folks." Dude," and he shook his head. "You were two feet from the Hole!"
Amy whipped around. "Where"s the dog?"
"I"ve got him," Ruth called out. There he was, plastered against Ruth"s leg, panting happily.
JT picked up his water jug and drank deeply. "The water got squirrely on me," he marveled. "Then I hit that rock."
"What rock?" said Dixie.
"Well, it sure felt like a rock," said JT.
"Your hat, doll," said Abo, tossing Amy her pink baseball cap. She caught it and put it on and wished she could vanish, for she had just figured it out. It was her her weight that caused the boat to snag, weight that caused the boat to snag, her her weight that made them tilt. Any minute JT was going to start yelling at her, for being such a FAT PIG. They should never have allowed her to come on this trip in the first place. weight that made them tilt. Any minute JT was going to start yelling at her, for being such a FAT PIG. They should never have allowed her to come on this trip in the first place.
As if on cue, JT asked her how she was doing.
"I"m sorry. I couldn"t get a grip," she said meekly.