She turned to find Jill standing behind her. Susan instantly flashed on their foolish little c.o.c.ktail hours, all their so-called meaningful talks about kids and husbands and whatever. This while her own daughter was walking around in labor.
Jill put her hand on her shoulder. Susan folded her arms tightly across her chest and moved away.
"It happens," Jill said. "I"ve read about it. Anyone could miss it. Anyone-"
"Stop. Just stop. I"m her mother. I should have known."
Jill fell silent, but if Susan had spoken too sharply, she didn"t care. Everyone could offer explanations, everyone could excuse her, but they weren"t in her position. Jill certainly didn"t know how it felt to realize you"d been so blind that you could fix your daughter breakfast and drive her to school and visit colleges and sleep next to her in a tiny pup tent-and not know. Jill had boys, not girls, and didn"t understand that from the moment Amy was born, consciously or not, Susan had been waiting for the day her daughter announced she was intentionally, happily pregnant, so that she, Susan, could exult, commiserate, advise. And now-to suddenly learn that an unplanned pregnancy had happened without either of them knowing!
A movement caught her eye, and she saw Evelyn shuffling toward them, a water bottle dangling from her finger. Susan bristled; she didn"t think she could bear the presence of this odd, serious woman who held a PhD in molecular biology but possessed no sense of how to commune with the human race.
Evelyn hesitated, then said, "Abo chipped off some of the ice from the cooler, and I gave Amy some ice chips to suck on."
"Thank you, Evelyn," said Jill.
Evelyn hovered.
"Don"t say it," warned Susan.
"All right," said Evelyn.
Startled, Susan looked at Evelyn, who was standing there awkwardly.
"What do you want?" Susan said harshly.
Evelyn thrust the water bottle at her. "Its mostly ice," she said. "I thought it would help you too."
Shamed by this token of kindness, Susan held the bottle against her breastbone. It made her feel cool all over.
"Thank you," she managed.
"Let"s sit," Jill said.
Susan shook her head in misery, but then she sat and hugged her knees to her chest. Jill and Evelyn sat down on either side.
"All right," Jill began. "You didn"t know. You missed the signs. But Amy needs you right now."
"Amy doesn"t need me," said Susan. "Amy doesn"t want me, either."
Evelyn looked anxious. "I don"t think that"s true," she said. "Of course Amy needs you. Of course she wants you. How can you say she doesn"t?"
"Maybe because I"ve got some experience with a teenager, Evelyn," Susan said. Evelyn looked down, and Susan knew she had hurt this childless woman who was never going to face these muddled issues. But Susan didn"t care. Hot tears spilled out.
"Why didn"t she tell me?" she cried.
"She didn"t know," Jill said.
"But she didn"t even tell me she was having s.e.x! Did she think I would scold her? Tell her she was too young? She was-is-but I would never have scolded her! I would have taken her to the doctor, and then the doctor would have examined her, and we"d have known, and we wouldn"t be here on the Colorado River with her going into labor!"
Jill and Evelyn both laid a hand on Susan"s shoulder.
"I"m a failure," Susan sobbed.
"Phooey," said Evelyn.
"In fact, I"m such a failure that not only do I not know my daughter is pregnant, but when she"s suddenly going into labor, all I can think about is how bad a parent I am. Isn"t that that rich!" rich!"
Evelyn looked thoughtful for a moment. "So what you"re saying is, you"re a failure because not only have you failed your daughter, but in the process of failing her, all you can focus on is how you"ve failed?"
Susan sobbed harder. "And I"ve done this all my life too. I always make everything all about me me. No wonder Amy doesn"t open up-she knows she"ll just have to sit and listen to me talk about how it was for me me me, way back when."
Evelyn and Jill pondered this.
"I"ve just been trying so hard to connect with her," Susan said. "And nothing works."
"Maybe not until now," Jill said gently. "But you can"t just walk away when she needs you the most. You have to be the strong one right now."
"You certainly do! I"d lay down the law with that girl," Evelyn declared, and she smacked a fist into her palm. "I"d say, "Amy, I don"t care what you say, I"m going to be right here by your side from start to finish!""
Susan smiled wanly, for she"d had yet to witness this pa.s.sionate side of Evelyn. She thought she would like to watch Evelyn teach a cla.s.s sometime. Once she"d had a teacher who was pa.s.sionate about wind patterns over the Pacific. By the end of the cla.s.s, everyone else was pa.s.sionate about wind patterns over the Pacific too.
She wiped her nose. "I"m not usually so thin-skinned."
"I think it"s being on the river," Evelyn said.
"Watching your daughter go into labor might have something to do with it too," added Jill.
The three women helped each other stand up. Susan inhaled deeply. Her eyes stung from salt and sun, and she wanted again to walk into the river and float away.
Instead, she gave a shaky little laugh. "My heart," she said hoa.r.s.ely. "I feel like its right here," and she patted her arm.
"Well," said Evelyn, "well, you just keep it right there, if that"s what you need to do."
"How soon for the helicopter?" JT asked Abo.
"We"re next in line."
JT drew a deep breath.
"Doing a swell job, Boss," said Abo.
"Keep telling me that."
"How can a girl not know she"s pregnant?" Abo asked, after a while.
"No clue."
"Ever delivered a baby in the canyon?"
"Never delivered a baby, period. But we"re not going to deliver a baby. The helicopter"s going to come and it"s going to fly her away to the Happy Hospital and we"re going to have our Lava Falls Boating Club party tonight."
"Do you really think we"ll be in the mood for a party?"
"No."
Abo paused, frowning. "I just don"t get it," he said. "How can you not know?"
Ruth twisted the cap of the mustard bottle and wiped off the little brown disk that clung to the nozzle.
"He"s probably just stuck in an eddy," Mitch.e.l.l told the two boys. They were standing at the downstream end of the beach. Matthew was looking through Mitch.e.l.l"s binoculars.
"Do you see anything?" asked Sam.
"No," said Matthew.
"Can I look?" said Sam.
Matthew handed the binoculars to Sam. Mitch.e.l.l patiently showed him how to adjust them to fit. "Just look for the red bandanna," he said. "That would make it easy to spot him."
"He had his life jacket on," said Sam, s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up his face behind the lenses. "Didn"t he?"
"Of course he did," said Mitch.e.l.l.
"He"s a really good swimmer," said Matthew.
"Then we"ll find him," said Mitch.e.l.l.
45.
Day Eleven Below Lava The man"s eyes were kind and gentle, and the first thing he did was to cover her with a fresh cool sheet from the waist down. Then he pulled on an exam glove.
"I want to do this in between contractions," he said. "Can I slip your shorts off?"
Without answering, Amy lifted her hips. She was in the Grand Canyon, people thought she was in labor, and she was going to have to let a doctor examine her to prove she wasn"t pregnant. She had a cyst, a cyst the size of a grapefruit, just like a girl she"d read about in Glamour Glamour. Now she was in the process of expelling it. Probably like a kidney stone. Anyway, to get through this exam, she would pretend she was someone else-a college girl, say, someone who had a boyfriend and rode her bike across campus for the kind of female checkup that college girls get.
Sitting at her side, her mother laid a damp T-shirt over her chest. The cotton jersey was cool and soothed her skin. She found it hard to imagine that she had been so cold, after swimming Lava.
"How are you doing, honey?" Susan asked.
"c.r.a.ppy. Is he a-" She couldn"t think of the right word.
"I"m not an obstetrician," said Don as he folded her shorts and set them aside, "but I think I can help you through this. Scooch toward me a little. Draw up your knees. Try and relax. Sorry," he said, looking up sheepishly. "I guess that"s like telling someone to relax in Lava."
Amy tentatively let her knees fall apart. She was a college girl. She did this all the time. Her mother sat calmly beside her. Amy was impressed that she wasn"t flipping out.
"I hear you took a pretty good swim," Don said. "And I"ll bet your baby said the h.e.l.l with it, I"d be safer on my own."
Amy wanted to remind him that it was a cyst, but she didn"t want to make him feel dumb.
"Let"s see what we"ve got," said Don. "Nice and easy. Deep breath. Here we go."
For Amy, it felt like he was sticking a baseball bat up inside her. And when she thought he wouldn"t push any further, he did. And it hurt. It felt like another whole contraction. Or rather, that thing they said was a contraction but that wasn"t really a contraction.
"Okay," Don murmured, placing his other hand on her stomach. "Okay," and he gazed off toward the river. Amy could feel continents shifting inside her. She waited as long as she could.
"So?" she said.
The worst thing in the world during a doctor"s exam is sudden silence. Amy tried to think back to what Don had told her, about what he was going to check for. Something about dilation. Something about her cervix. He was expecting a baby, and she was expecting a cyst, but a third possibility suddenly occurred to her: Maybe it wasn"t a baby or or a cyst! Maybe it was something much, much worse! a cyst! Maybe it was something much, much worse!
Don removed his hand and pulled off the glove and placed it on top of her shorts.
"You said you"ve been having stomachaches?"
"They weren"t that bad," she said.
"For how long?"
"I don"t know. Maybe a week."
"Nausea? Diarrhea?"
"A little."
"Back pain?"
"Some."
Don stood up and squeezed her knee. "I"ll be right back," he said, and he motioned to Susan, and they both ducked out from under the tarp. Amy watched as they went over to where JT and Jill were standing together. He said something to them, and her mother made a sudden movement in the direction of the tent, but Don took hold of her arm and held her back.
I"m dying, she thought. They all know it, and they"re wondering how to tell me.
I should have drowned in Lava.
The next contraction came without warning, while she was still alone. One moment there was a twinge of tightening, and before she could call for help, her stomach had frozen into an alien, rock-hard dome. Heavy machinery began scouring her insides. The pain was worse than before, something she wouldn"t have thought possible. Someone shrieked, and immediately people were kneeling beside her. Somebody cradled her head, and she turned and vomited all over somebody else"s knees, the stench hanging heavily in the air. She was afraid she was going to lose control of her bowels. She felt something cool on her cheek and grabbed whatever it was and bit down hard and pounded the ground with her fists. All this with a cork plugging her windpipe.
Then all the heavy machinery went still, and she was able to breathe. When she opened her eyes, her mother, Jill, Don, and Peter were all kneeling around her. Peter gently extricated the bandanna from between her teeth, and her mother held a cup of cool water to her lips.
"Go ahead, tell me," she said flatly. "I"m dying, aren"t I."
"No, you"re not dying," Don said. "As it turns out, you"re about nine centimeters dilated. Which means your baby is pretty eager to make its entry into the world. I didn"t expect to find you so far along. But I think you"ve been in the beginning stages of labor for a day, maybe even a few days. That back pain? The stomachaches that came and went? I"m actually surprised you stood it so well."
"I"m not pregnant," Amy said. "I have a cyst."