I think it isn"t good for women to be shut up too long alone together without a man. They seem to fester. Even the n.o.blest. Taking our intentions all round they really are quite n.o.ble. We do only want to develope in ideal directions, and remove what we think are the obstacles to this development in each other"s paths; and yet we fester. Not Dolly.
Nothing ever smudges her equable, clear wholesomeness; but there are moments when I feel as if Mrs. Barnes and I got much mixed up together in a sort of sticky ma.s.s. Faint struggles from time to time, brief efforts at extrication, show there is still a life in me that is not flawlessly benevolent, but I repent of them as soon as made because of the pain and surprise that instantly appear in Mrs. Barnes"s tired, pathetic eyes, and hastily I engulf myself once more in goodness.
That"s why I haven"t written lately, not for a whole week. It is glutinous, the prevailing goodness. I have stuck. I have felt as though my mind were steeped in treacle. Then to-day I remembered my old age, and the old lady waiting at the end of the years who will want to be amused, so I"ve begun again. I have an idea that what will really most amuse that old lady, that wrinkled philosophical old thing, will be all the times when I was being uncomfortable. She will be so very comfortable herself, so done with everything, so entirely an impartial looker-on, that the rebellions and contortions and woes of the creature who used to be herself will only make her laugh. She will be blithe in her security. Besides, she will know the sequel, she will know what came next, and will see, I daresay, how vain the expense of trouble and emotions was. So that naturally she will laugh. "You _silly_ little thing!" I can imagine her exclaiming, "If only you had known how it all wasn"t going to matter!" And she will laugh very heartily; for I am sure she will be a gay old lady.
But what we really want here now is an occasional breath of brutality,--the pa.s.sage, infrequent and not too much prolonged, of a man. If he came to tea once in a way it would do. He would be a blast of fresh air. He would be like opening a window. We have minced about among solicitudes and delicacies so very long. I want to smell the rankness of a pipe, and see the cushions thrown anyhow. I want to see somebody who doesn"t knit. I want to hear Mrs. Barnes being contradicted.
Especially do I want to hear Mrs. Barnes being contradicted ... oh, I"m afraid I"m still not very good!
_September 20th._
The grapes are ripe down in the vineyards along the edge of the valley, and this morning I proposed that we should start off early and spend the day among them doing a grape-cure.
Mrs. Barnes liked the idea very much, and sandwiches were ordered, for we were not to come back till evening; then at the last moment she thought it would be too hot in the valley, and that her head, which has been aching lately, might get worse. The sandwiches were ready on the hall table. Dolly and I were ready too, boots on and sticks in hand. To our great surprise Mrs. Barnes, contemplating the sandwiches, said that as they had been cut they mustn"t be wasted, and therefore we had better go without her.
We were astonished. We were like children being given a holiday. She kissed us affectionately when we said goodbye, as though, to mark her trust in us,--in Dolly that she wouldn"t tell me the dreadful truth about herself, in me that I wouldn"t encourage her in undesirable points of view. How safe we were, how deserving of trust, Mrs. Barnes naturally didn"t know. Nothing that either of us could say could possibly upset the other.
"If Mrs. Barnes knew the worst, knew I knew everything, wouldn"t she be happier?" I asked Dolly as we went briskly down the mountain. "Wouldn"t at least part of her daily anxiety be got rid of, her daily fear lest I _should_ get to know?"
"It would kill her," said Dolly firmly.
"But surely--"
"You mustn"t forget that she thinks what I did was a crime."
"You mean the uncle."
"Oh, she wouldn"t very much mind your knowing about Siegfried. She would do her utmost to prevent it, because of her horror of Germans and of the horror she a.s.sumes you have of Germans. But once you did know she would be resigned. The other--" Dolly shook her head. "It would kill her," she said again.
We came to a green slope starred thick with autumn crocuses, and sat down to look at them. These delicate, lovely things have been appearing lately on the mountain, at first one by one and then in flocks,--pale cups of light, lilac on long white stalks that snap off at a touch. Like the almond trees in the suburban gardens round London that flower when the winds are cruellest, the autumn crocuses seem too frail to face the cold nights we are having now; yet it is just when conditions are growing unkind that they come out. There they are, all over the mountain fields, flowering in greater profusion the further the month moves towards winter.
This particular field of them was so beautiful that with one accord Dolly and I sat down to look. One doesn"t pa.s.s such beauty by. I think we sat quite half an hour drinking in those crocuses, and their sunny plateau, and the way the tops of the pine trees on the slope below stood out against the blue emptiness of the valley. We were most content. The sun was so warm, the air of such an extraordinary fresh purity. Just to breathe was happiness. I think that in my life I have been most blest in this, that so often just to breathe has been happiness.
Dolly and I, now that we could talk as much as we wanted to, didn"t after all talk much. Suddenly I felt incurious about her Germans. I didn"t want them among the crocuses. The past, both hers and mine, seemed to matter very little, seemed a stuffy, indifferent thing, in that clear present. I don"t suppose if we hadn"t brought an empty basket with us on purpose to take back grapes to Mrs. Barnes that we would have gone on down to the vineyards at all, but rather have spent the day just where we were. The basket, however, had to be filled; it had to be brought back filled. It was to be the proof that we had done what we said we would. Kitty, said Dolly, would be fidgeted if we hadn"t carried out the original plan, and might be afraid that, if we weren"t eating grapes all day as arranged, we were probably using our idle mouths for saying things she wished left unsaid.
"Does poor Kitty _always_ fidget?" I asked.
"Always," said Dolly.
"About every single thing that might happen?"
"Every single thing," said Dolly. "She spends her life now entirely in fear--and it"s all because of me."
"But really, while she is with me she could have a holiday from fear if we told her I knew about your uncle and had accepted it with calm."
"It would kill her," said Dolly once more, firmly.
We lunched in the vineyards, and our desert was grapes. We ate them for a long while with enthusiasm, and went on eating them through every degree of declining pleasure till we disliked them. For fifty centimes each the owner gave us permission to eat grapes till we died if we wished to. For another franc we were allowed to fill the basket for Mrs.
Barnes. Only conscientiousness made us fill it full, for we couldn"t believe anybody would really want to eat such things as grapes. Then we began to crawl up the mountain again, greatly burdened both inside and out.
It took us over three hours to get home. We carried the basket in turns, half an hour at a time; but what about those other, invisible, grapes, that came with us as well? I think people who have been doing a grape-cure should sit quiet for the rest of the day, or else walk only on the level. To have to take one"s cure up five thousand feet with one is hard. Again we didn"t talk; this time because we couldn"t. All that we could do was to pant and to perspire.
It was a brilliant afternoon, and the way led up when the vineyards left off through stunted fir trees that gave no shade, along narrow paths strewn with dry fir needles,--the slipperiest things in the world to walk on. Through these hot, shadeless trees the sun beat on our bent and burdened figures. Whenever we stopped to rest and caught sight of each other"s flushed wet faces we laughed.
"Kitty needn"t have been afraid we"d _say_ much," panted Dolly in one of these pauses, her eyes screwed up with laughter at my melted state.
I knew what I must be looking like by looking at her.
It was five o"clock by the time we reached the field with the crocuses, and we sank down on the gra.s.s where we had sat in the morning, speechless, dripping, overwhelmed by grapes. For a long while we said nothing. It was bliss to lie in the cool gra.s.s and not to have to carry anything. The sun, low in the sky, slanted almost level along the field, and shining right through the thin-petalled crocuses made of each a little star. I don"t know anything more happy than to be where it is beautiful with some one who sees and loves it as much as you do yourself. We lay stretched out on the gra.s.s, quite silent, watching the splendour grow and grow till, having reached a supreme moment of radiance, it suddenly went out. The sun dropped behind the mountains along to the west, and out went the light; with a flick; in an instant.
And the crocuses, left standing in their drab field, looked like so many blown-out candles.
Dolly sat up.
"There now," she said. "That"s over. They look as blind and dim as a woman whose lover has left her. Have you ever," she asked, turning her head to me still lying pillowed on Mrs. Barnes"s grapes--the basket had a lid--"seen a woman whose lover has left her?"
"Of course I have. Everybody has been left by somebody."
"I mean _just_ left."
"Yes. I"ve seen that too."
"They look exactly like that," said Dolly, nodding towards the crocuses.
"Smitten colourless. Light gone, life gone, beauty gone,--dead things in a dead world. I don"t," she concluded, shaking her head slowly, "hold with love."
At this I sat up too, and began to tidy my hair and put my hat on again.
"It"s cold," I said, "now that the sun is gone. Let us go home."
Dolly didn"t move.
"Do you?" she asked.
"Do I what?"
"Hold with love."
"Yes," I said.
"Whatever happens?"
"Yes," I said.
"Whatever its end is?"
"Yes," I said. "And I won"t even say yes _and_ no, as the cautious Charlotte Bronte did when she was asked if she liked London. I won"t be cautious in love. I won"t look at all the reasons for saying no. It"s a glorious thing to have had. It"s splendid to have believed all one did believe."
"Even when there never was a shred of justification for the belief?"
asked Dolly, watching me.
"Yes," I said; and began pa.s.sionately to pin my hat on, digging the pins into my head in my vehemence. "Yes. The thing is to believe. Not go round first cautiously on tiptoe so as to be sure before believing and trusting that your precious belief and trust are going to be safe. Safe!