He wrote agreeably of the weather: _c"etait magnifique,_ or _c"etait bien triste_, according to the season. He wrote of the French and Belgian sick prisoners of war, interned in those places scattered about the mountains which used to be the haunts of parties catered for by Lunn. He wrote appreciatively of the usefulness and good conduct of the watch-dog, a splendid creature, much bigger than I am, with the lap-doggy name of Mou-Mou. He lengthily described unexciting objects like the whiskers of the cat: _favoris superbes qui poussent toujours, malgre ces jours maigres de guerre_; and though sometimes he expressed a little disappointment at the behaviour of Mrs. Antoine"s _estomac, qui lui fait beaucoup d"ennuis et parait mal resister aux grands froids_, he always ended up soothingly: _Pour la maison tout va bien. Madame peut etre entierement tranquille._
Never a word, you see, about the live-stock.
So there in England was Madame being _entierement tranquille_ about her little house, and glad indeed that she could be; for whatever had happened to it or to the Antoines she wouldn"t have been able to do anything. Tethered on the other side of the impa.s.sable barrier of war, if the house had caught fire she could only, over there in England, have wrung her hands; and if Mrs. Antoine"s _estomac_ had given out so completely that she and Antoine had had to abandon their post and take to the plains and doctors, she could only have sat still and cried. The soothing letters were her comfort for five years,--_madame peut-etre entierement tranquille_; how sweetly the words fell, month by month, on ears otherwise hara.s.sed and tormented!
It wasn"t till I had been here nearly a fortnight that I began to be aware of my breakfast. Surely it was very nice? Such a lot of milk; and every day a little jug of cream. And surprising b.u.t.ter,--surprising not only because it was so very fresh but because it was there at all. I had been told in England that there was no b.u.t.ter to be got here, not an ounce to be bought from one end of Switzerland to the other. Well, there it was; fresh every day, and in a singular abundance.
Through the somnolence of my mind, of all the outward objects surrounding me I think it was the b.u.t.ter that got in first; and my awakening intelligence, after a period of slow feeling about and some relapses, did at last one morning hit on the conviction that at the other end of that b.u.t.ter was a cow.
This, so far, was to be expected as the result of reasoning. But where I began to be pleased with myself, and feel as if Paley"s Evidences had married Sherlock Holmes and I was the bright pledge of their loves, was when I proceeded from this, without moving from my chair, to discover by sheer thinking that the cow was very near the b.u.t.ter, because else the b.u.t.ter couldn"t possibly be made fresh every day,--so near that it must be at that moment grazing on the bit of pasture belonging to me; and, if that were so, the conclusion was irresistible that it must be my cow.
After that my thoughts leaped about the breakfast table with comparative nimbleness. I remembered that each morning there had been an egg, and that eggy puddings had appeared at the other meals. Before the war it was almost impossible to get eggs up here; clearly, then, I had chickens of my own. And the honey; I felt it would no longer surprise me to discover that I also had bees, for this honey was the real thing,--not your made-up stuff of the London shops. And strawberries; every morning a great cabbage leaf of strawberries had been on the table, real garden strawberries, over long ago down in the valley and never dreamed of as things worth growing by the peasants in the mountains. Obviously I counted these too among my possessions in some corner out of sight. The one object I couldn"t proceed to by inductive reasoning from what was on the table was a pig. Antoine"s courage had failed him over that. Too definitely must my repeated warning have echoed in his ears: _Surtout pas de porcs._
But how very intelligent he had been. It needs intelligence if one is conscientious to disobey orders at the right moment. And me so unaware all the time, and therefore so unworried!
He pa.s.sed along the terrace at that moment, a watering-pot in his hand.
"Antoine," I said.
"Madame," he said, stopping and taking off his cap.
"This egg--" I said, pointing to the sh.e.l.l. I said it in French, but prefer not to put my French on paper.
"_Ah--madame a vu les poules_."
"This b.u.t.ter--"
"_Ah--madame a visite la vache._"
"The pig--?" I hesitated. "Is there--is there also a pig?"
"_Si madame veut descendre a la cave--_"
"You never keep a pig in the cellar?" I exclaimed.
"_Comme jambon,_" said Antoine--calm, perfect of manner, without a trace of emotion.
And there sure enough I was presently proudly shown by Mrs. Antoine, whose feelings are less invisible than her husband"s, hanging from the cellar ceiling on hooks that which had once been pig. Several pigs; though she talked as if there had never been more than one. It may be so, of course, but if it is so it must have had a great many legs.
_Un porc centipede_, I remarked thoughtfully, gazing upwards at the forest of hams.
Over the thin ice of this comment she slid, however, in a voluble description of how, when the armistice was signed, she and Antoine had instantly fallen upon and slain the pig--pig still in the singular--expecting Madame"s arrival after that felicitous event at any minute, and comprehending that _un porc vivant pourrait deranger madame, mais que mort il ne fait rien a personne que du plaisir._ And she too gazed upwards, but with affection and pride.
There remained then nothing to do but round off these various transactions by a graceful and grateful paying for them. Which I did to-day, Antoine presenting the bills, accompanied by complicated calculations and deductions of the market price of the milk and b.u.t.ter and eggs he and Mrs. Antoine would otherwise have consumed during the past years.
I didn"t look too closely into what the pig had cost,--his price, as my eye skimmed over it was obviously the price of something plural. But my eye only skimmed. It didn"t dwell. Always Antoine and I have behaved to each other like gentlemen.
_August 12th._
I wonder why I write all this. Is it because it is so like talking to a friend at the end of the day, and telling him, who is interested and loves to hear, everything one has done? I suppose it is that; and that I want, besides, to pin down these queer days as they pa.s.s,--days so utterly unlike any I ever had before. I want to hold them a minute in my hand and look at them, before letting them drop away for ever. Then, perhaps, in lots of years, when I have half forgotten what brought me up here, and don"t mind a bit about anything except to laugh--to laugh with the tenderness of a wise old thing at the misunderstandings, and mistakes, and failures that brought me so near shipwreck, and yet underneath were still somehow packed with love--I"ll open this and read it, and I daresay quote that Psalm about going through the vale of misery and using it as a well, and be quite pleasantly entertained.
_August 13th._
If one sets one"s face westwards and goes on and on along the side of the mountain, refusing either to climb higher or go lower, and having therefore to take things as they come and somehow get through--roaring torrents, sudden ravines, huge trees blown down in a forgotten blizzard and lying right across one"s way; all the things that mountains have up their sleeve waiting for one--one comes, after two hours of walk so varied as to include scowling rocks and gloomy forests, bright stretches of delicious gra.s.s full of flowers, bits of hayfield, cl.u.s.ters of fruit-trees, wide sun-flooded s.p.a.ces with nothing between one apparently and the great snowy mountains, narrow paths where it is hardly light enough to see, smells of resin and hot fir needles, smells of traveller"s joy, smells of just cut gra.s.s, smells of just sawn wood, smells of water tumbling over stones, muddy smells where the peasants have turned some of the torrent away through shallow channels into their fields, honey smells, hot smells, cold smells,--after two hours of this walking, which would be tiring because of the constant difficulty of the ground if it weren"t for the odd way the air has here of carrying you, of making you feel as though you were being lifted along, one comes at last to the edge of a steep slope where there is a little group of larches.
Then one sits down.
These larches are at the very end of a long tongue into which the mountain one started on has somehow separated, and it is under them that one eats one"s dinner of hard boiled egg and bread and b.u.t.ter, and sits staring, while one does so, in much astonishment at the view. For it is an incredibly beautiful view from here, of an entirely different range of mountains from the one seen from my terrace; and the valley, with its twisting, tiny silver thread that I know is a great rushing river, has strange, abrupt, isolated hills scattered over it that appear each to have a light and colour of its own, with no relation to the light and colour of the mountains.
When first I happened on this place the building of my house had already been started, and it was too late to run to the architect and say: Here and here only will I live. But I did for a wild moment, so great was the beauty I had found, hope that perhaps Swiss houses might be like those Norwegian ones one reads about that take to pieces and can be put up again somewhere else when you"ve got bored, and I remember scrambling back hastily in heat and excitement to ask him whether this were so.
He said it wasn"t; and seemed even a little ruffled, if so calm a man were capable of ruffling, that I should suppose he would build anything that could come undone.
"This house," he said, pointing at the hopeless-looking ma.s.s that ultimately became so adorable, "is built for posterity. It is on a rock, and will partake of the same immovability."
And when I told him of the place I had found, the exquisite place, more beautiful than a dream and a hundred times more beautiful than the place we had started building on, he, being a native of the district, hardy on his legs on Sundays and accordingly acquainted with every inch of ground within twenty miles, told me that it was so remote from villages, so inaccessible by any road, that it was suited as a habitation only to goats.
"Only goats," he said with finality, waving his hand, "could dwell there, and for goats I do not build."
So that my excitement cooled down before the inevitable, and I have lived to be very glad the house is where it is and not where, for a few wild hours, I wanted it; for now I can go to the other when I am in a beauty mood and see it every time with fresh wonder, while if I lived there I would have got used to it long ago, and my ardour been, like other ardours, turned by possession into complacency. Or, to put it a little differently, the house here is like an amiable wife to whom it is comfortable to come back for meals and sleeping purposes, and the other is a secret love, to be visited only on the crest of an ecstasy.
To-day I took a hard boiled egg and some bread and b.u.t.ter, and visited my secret love.
The hard boiled egg doesn"t seem much like an ecstasy, but it is a very good foundation for one. There is great virtue in a hard boiled egg. It holds one down, yet not too heavily. It satisfies without inflaming.
Sometimes, after days of living on fruit and bread, a slice of underdone meat put in a sandwich and eaten before I knew what I was doing, has gone straight to my head in exactly the way wine would, and I have seen the mountains double and treble themselves, besides not keeping still, in a very surprising and distressing way, utterly ruinous to raptures.
So now I distrust sandwiches and will not take them; and all that goes with me is the hard boiled egg. Oh, and apricots, when I can get them.
I forgot the apricots. I took a handful to-day,--big, beautiful rosy-golden ones, grown in the hot villages of the valley, a very apricotty place. And, that every part of me should have sustenance, I also took Law"s _Serious Call_.
He went because he"s the thinnest book I"ve got on my shelves that has at the same time been praised by Dr. Johnson. I"ve got several others that Dr. Johnson has praised, such as Ogden on _Prayer_, but their bulk, even if their insides were attractive, makes them have to stay at home.
Johnson, I remembered, as I weighed Law thoughtfully in my hand and felt how thin he was, said of the _Serious Call_ that he took it up expecting it to be a dull book, and perhaps to laugh at it--"but I found Law quite an overmatch for me." He certainly would be an overmatch for me, I knew, should I try to stand up to him, but that was not my intention. What I wanted was a slender book that yet would have enough entertainment in it to nourish me all day; and opening the _Serious Call_ I was caught at once by the story of Octavius, a learned and ingenious man who, feeling that he wasn"t going to live much longer, told the friends hanging on his lips attentive to the wisdom that would, they were sure, drop out, that in the decay of nature in which he found himself he had left off all taverns and was now going to be nice in what he drank, so that he was resolved to furnish his cellar with a little of the very best whatever it might cost. And hardly had he delivered himself of this declaration than "he fell ill, was committed to a nurse, and had his eyes closed by her before his fresh parcel of wine came in."
The effect of this on some one called Eugenius was to send him home a new man, full of resolutions to devote himself wholly to G.o.d; for "I never, says Eugenius, was so deeply affected with the wisdom and importance of religion as when I saw how poorly and meanly the learned Octavius was to leave the world through the want of it."
So Law went with me, and his vivacious pages,--the story of Octavius is but one of many; there is Matilda and her unhappy daughters ("The eldest daughter lived as long as she could under this discipline," but found she couldn"t after her twentieth year and died, "her entrails much hurt by being crushed together with her stays";) Eusebia and her happy daughters, who were so beautifully brought up that they had the satisfaction of dying virgins; Lepidus, struck down as he was dressing himself for a feast; the admirable Miranda, whose meals were carefully kept down to exactly enough to give her proper strength to lift eyes and hands to heaven, so that "Miranda will never have her eyes swell with fatness or pant under a heavy load of flesh until she has changed her religion"; Mundamus, who if he saw a book of devotion pa.s.sed it by; Cla.s.sicus, who openly and shamelessly preferred learning to devotion--these vivacious pages greatly enlivened and adorned my day.
But I did feel, as I came home at the end of it, that Dr. Johnson, for whom no one has more love and less respect than I, ought to have spent some at least of his earlier years, when he was still accessible to reason, with, say, Voltaire.
Now I am going to bed, footsore but glad, for this picnic to-day was a test. I wanted to see how far on I have got in facing memories. When I set out I pretended to myself that I was going from sheer considerateness for servants, because I wished Mrs. Antoine to have a holiday from cooking my dinner, but I knew in my heart that I was making, in trepidation and secret doubt, a test. For the way to this place of larches bristles with happy memories. They would be sitting waiting for me, I knew, at every bush and corner in radiant rows. If only they wouldn"t be radiant, I thought, I wouldn"t mind. The way, I thought, would have been easier if it had been punctuated with remembered quarrels. Only then I wouldn"t have gone to it at all, for my spirit shudders away from places where there has been unkindness. It is the happy record of this little house that never yet have its walls heard an unkind word or a rude word, and not once has anybody cried in it. All the houses I have lived in, except this, had their sorrows, and one at least had worse things than sorrows; but this one, my little house of peace hung up in the sunshine well on the way to heaven, is completely free from stains, nothing has ever lived in it that wasn"t kind. And I shall not count the wretchedness I dragged up with me three weeks ago as a break in this record, as a smudge on its serenity, but only as a shadow pa.s.sing across the sun. Because, however beaten down I was and miserable, I brought no anger with me and no resentment.
Unkindness has still not come into the house.
Now I am going very happy to bed, for I have pa.s.sed the test. The whole of the walk to the larches, and the whole of the way back, and all the time I was sitting there, what I felt was simply grat.i.tude, grat.i.tude for the beautiful past times I have had. I found I couldn"t help it. It was as natural as breathing. I wasn"t lonely. Everybody I have loved and shall never see again was with me. And all day, the whole of the wonderful day of beauty, I was able in that bright companionship to forget the immediate grief, the aching wretchedness, that brought me up here to my mountains as a last hope.
_August 14th._
To-day it is my birthday, so I thought I would expiate it by doing some useful work.
It is the first birthday I"ve ever been alone, with n.o.body to say Bless you. I like being blessed on my birthday, seen off into my new year with encouragement and smiles. Perhaps, I thought, while I dressed, Antoine would remember. After all, I used to have birthdays when I was here before, and he must have noticed the ripple of excitement that lay along the day, how it was wreathed in flowers from breakfast-time on and dotted thick with presents. Perhaps he would remember, and wish me luck.