Indelible.
by Bethany Lopez.
This book is dedicated to all of the single parents out there who are working hard to make a great life for themselves and for their children.
I salute you!.
Physically impossible to rub out, wash out, or alter.
~ like a mother"s love or a tattoo.
I"m twenty-two years old, wear a size twelve, and am a single mom a" things that don"t make me the most popular girl on campus.
I live in family housing. It"s cheap, has a washer and dryer, and makes it a little easier to juggle going to school full time while raising a two-year-old daughter.
Her name is Karrie, and she"s the smartest, funniest, and sweetest child I"ve ever met. I never imagined I"d be pregnant at nineteen, let alone raising a kid by myself. But I guess life doesn"t always go according to plan.
At least, that"s been my experience so far.
When I went away to school, I was your typical first-time-away-from-home, irresponsible, and crazy party girl. I had a blast my first year. Didn"t go to many cla.s.ses, and partied way too much. You"d think that was when I got knocked up.
Nope.
My soph.o.m.ore year I straightened up. After a series of long lectures from my parents and the arrival of my final grades for my freshman year, I realized I was making a lot of mistakes. I actually started going to my cla.s.ses. I stopped partying every night and only went out with my friends on the weekends.
Things were going great, until one night I met this hot guy at a frat party and we hooked up.
That was all.
No great love story, no blossoming relationship.
Just a one-night stand.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared and devastated.
It had been six weeks since the party that changed my life. I"d been feeling nauseous and extremely tired. It wasn"t until I got lightheaded in the shower that I decided to go to the doctor and see what was wrong.
I wasn"t prepared for the diagnosis.
I felt a myriad of emotions that day: disbelief, anger, sadness, and finally terror.
I worried about what I"d tell my parents, and what it would mean for my future. But first I had to share my terror with the one person that I a.s.sumed would feel my pain. I went to the frat house and told my hookup that he was going to be a father.
He laughed and said I was mistaken. He had no intention of being a father to anyone.
I had expected disbelief, and possibly anger, but I"d never expected that. He said no matter my decision, he didn"t want to be a part of the baby"s life. He told me not to even put him on the birth certificate.
I eventually told my parents and they were surprisingly supportive.
"Don"t worry, Sam," my mother had said as she cradled me in her arms. "Everything happens for a reason. Your father and I are here for you and our grandbaby. You aren"t alone."
My mom took me to all of my doctor"s appointments and helped me get on the waiting list for family housing. By the time Karrie was born, I had our small home in order and ready for her arrival.
I thought I was ready and knew what to expect.
I was wrong.
The past two years have been the most challenging years of my life. I"ve learned a lot, and am a better mother and person because of it. But I"m tiredaand lonely.
The friends I used to hang with are living the single life. I"ve made some new friends here, but we all have kids and they"re our top priority.
About once a month my mom takes Karrie for the weekend and I get the opportunity to have some alone time. I usually clean up the house and take advantage of the quiet to do homework, but sometimes I go out.
I learned my lesson though. I haven"t had s.e.x since I found out I was pregnant with Karrie. Not only am I still carrying around some excess baby weight, but the thought of getting pregnant again is terrific birth control.
I"m not saying I never date or anything, because I"ve gone on a few. But I never go past a couple dates with the same guy, and I"ve never introduced any of them to Karrie. No way am I bringing random guys into her life.
I"ll hook up. I love that feeling that comes from first kisses and antic.i.p.ation, but any real satisfaction comes from my own hand. Unfortunately, I"ve gotten really good at pleasing myself.
I missed the touch of a man, but on the upside, I found my G-spot the other day.
This was one of the weekends where Karebear was with my mom. I"d cleaned the house as much as possible and got caught up on all of my homework, so I had no excuse not to go out with my friend, James. Her parents wanted her to be a boy, hence her name, but it actually fits her perfectly.
I met James in my Religious Exploration cla.s.s last semester. We sat next to each other on the first day, and have been hanging out sporadically ever since. She"s a hard person to tie down. She doesn"t like making plans or having relationships that involve commitment or planning. She"s my polar opposite, and that"s probably why I enjoy hanging out with her. She brings out a totally different side of me. When I"m with her I"m free of responsibility, it"s a nice feeling.
When I pulled on my tight jeans and low-cut blouse, I smiled at the way my a.s.sets were displayed. I certainly never filled out jeans this well when I was a size four. I kind of enjoyed the a.s.s and b.o.o.bs that came from bearing a child. Some of the perks, I guess.
After my eyes were perfectly smoky and my hair was flat-ironed until it couldn"t get any straighter, I headed out the door to meet James.
The first thing I noticed was her a.s.s.
The bar was already pretty crowded, considering it wasn"t even ten o"clock. I"d come in early to grab a bite before meeting the guys to shoot pool. I was about to put in my order at the bar when I saw her bend over to pick up something she"d dropped on the floor. She didn"t bend at the knees, just straight over at the waist, giving me a perfect view and throwing my libido into fifth gear.
d.a.m.n, I needed to adjust my jeans.
I kept watching as she stood back up, interested enough to see if the face was as good as the body. I"ve always preferred my women thick.
Women who were so skinny that their hip bones stuck out just p.i.s.sed me off. If I wanted a b.u.mpy ride I"d take my bike out to the train tracks.
Her hair was long and straight. I could tell it was dark, but it was hard to tell exactly what color because of the lights in the bar, maybe red? Didn"t mattera She turned to put her purse on the back of her chair before she sat, and I saw enough of her face to know she"d still be pretty in the morning light.
I noted that she was sitting with James before I turned to order a burger and a beer from the bartender.
I knew James from way back. We"d grown up in the same part of town. She"d always kept the neighborhood guessing with her string of partners, male and female, and I"d always kept them guessing with the late-night visits from the cops. I guess you could say we were destined to become friends, if you could call us that. James was very careful not to let anyone get too close.
I figured I"d enjoy my meal and give them a chance to have a few drinks before I asked James who the great a.s.s belonged to, unless something changed between now and then. I didn"t like to put too much pressure on myself.
I downed a couple beers with my burger before I headed to the back to put some quarters on the pool table to secure my spot. The crowd was a mixture of biker types and college kids because that"s what happened when you had a college in a town like this. Some of the kids found out right away that this wasn"t the type of bar they should be hanging out in, but the ones that stayed usually became regulars.
It was low-key with hot waitresses, st.u.r.dy pool tables, and a jukebox that played a fantastic mix of seventies rock. What more could a guy ask for?
I noticed James was sitting by herself at the table, throwing back a shot of G.o.d knows what, and I figured the chick with the a.s.s had gone to the bathroom or something. I walked over to James and pulled out a chair.
"What"s up?" I asked as I sat.
"Same old," James replied with a smirk. "How *bout you, Judd? Haven"t seen you in a minute."
"I"ve been around." I looked down at her arm as she played with the empty gla.s.s. Without thinking, I reached over and ran a finger along the spot I"d noticed. "Got some new ink?"
"Yeah." James looked pointedly at my finger, then back at me.
"Sorry," I said, putting my hands up as if I was surrendering as I smiled down at her. "Force of habit."
"You just hangin" out tonight?" James asked.
"Yeah, meeting some of the guys to shoot pool," I said. "What about you? That your new old lady?"
"Who, Sam?" James asked, pointing at the seat the girl had been sitting in. "Nah, man. We just hang. She"s straight. Why the interest?"
"Just gathering intel," I said with a smile. She looked in my eyes and knew exactly what I meant by that. I smiled wider. "That a problem?"
"Nope. She"s not with anyone," James replied, signaling to the waitress to bring her another drink. "But I have to warn you, she"s not really the type you usually go for."
"How"s that?" I asked, curious.
"Let"s just say she"s not going to scratch that itch in your pants."
My smile turned wicked at that. James knew me pretty well; h.e.l.l, we were cut from the same cloth. Despite that fact, we"d never been together s.e.xually. Not that she wasn"t attractive, because I had no problem with ink, piercings, and blue hair, but we"d come to a mutual understanding early on that our pseudo-relationship would only last if we kept it platonic.
Not to sound c.o.c.ky or anything, but if I wanted to sleep with a woman, I didn"t have a problem making it happen. I had a one-hundred percent success rate, and I was confident enough to believe it when I replied, "Challenge accepted."
James smirked back at me as she took her drink from the waitress. She gave the waitress a smack on the a.s.s and said, "Thanks, babe. Put it on my tab."
I nodded to James as I got up to return to the pool tables. I pa.s.sed Sam on the way. I tried to get her attention and give her a smile, but she kept her gaze forward and never looked in my direction.
Looked like it may really be a challenge after all, I thought with a smile.
It didn"t take long before the bar was packed with a mixture of h.o.r.n.y co-eds and bikers of all ages. I was glad I"d paired a tank top with my jeans; at least the top half of me was somewhat cool.
James was talking up one of the waitresses that she often hooked up with, so I grabbed my beer and made my way back to the pool tables. If I was lucky maybe I"d have a shot at picking up a game.
I said h.e.l.lo to a couple of the regulars as I scanned the room, my eyes skittering to a stop at the guy leaning in to take a shot at the corner table.
His hair was dark and long, longer than I usually liked. It was almost down to his shoulders. He had on a simple black T-shirt, which helped to display the tattoo sleeves he showcased on both arms.
What stopped me was the fact that he was looking right at me.
Staring straight at me as he took his shot.
I knew I"d never seen him before, but the heat radiating from his eyes was palpable. I felt it all the way down to my toes.
When he caught my gaze, the right side of his mouth came up in a smirk, making the fire that had lit in my veins turn cold. I hated that smirk on sight.
Why were guys so c.o.c.ky?
Did they a.s.sume just because you came to a bar you were looking to get laid?
Okay, I"ll admit that in the past that was exactly why I went to barsabut whatever happened to romance?
Guys now seemed to think that buying a drink or gracing you with their presence meant that you were expected to fall on your back and welcome them with open arms. Or legs.
Ugh. It was frustrating.
I should have known better than to let James talk me into a night out. I was not in the mood to deal with this s.h.i.t.
I turned and walked back toward the table, eager to find James and tell her I was going to call it a night. I"m sure she was about ready to head out and hook up with someone by now anyways.
I"d almost reached the table when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and had to look up, only to find the c.o.c.ky guy from the pool room behind me.
At five foot nine inches, I wasn"t used to looking up at anyone. That disadvantage threw me off a little bit.
"Hey," he said, the smirk gone, replaced by what appeared to be a genuine smile.
"Hi," I responded, still unsettled.
"I"m Judd. I saw you with James earlier. She and I grew up together," he explained as way of introduction.
"Oh," I said, looking around for James. I couldn"t help but wonder if he was telling the truth or feeding me a line.
When did I get so cynical?
"I"m Sam."
"Nice to meet you, Sam," he said, the corners of his eyes crinkling as his smile grew bigger.
That smile did something to my insides, and I couldn"t help but think that Judd was trouble.
"Can I buy you another beer?" he asked, gesturing to my almost empty gla.s.s.
I was torn between my head a" which was telling me to decline his offer a" and my bodya"which was telling me to jump him on the spot.
What the h.e.l.l, I thought. What"ll one more beer hurt?
"Sure," I replied.