There"s a traffic jam at the door. Josh is directly behind me, and when I turn my head to reply, his own smile is lopsided unquestionably flirtatious and I can no longer remember my name or my country or even my place in the universe.
"I"m over here," Kurt says.
Not only am I still staring at Josh, but I"ve also turned the wrong way down the hall. The stupidity blush is immediate. I lower my head and double back.
Amazingly, Josh follows.
"We"re going to the cafeteria," Kurt tells him. "You"re never there. Where do you eat?" It sounds like an interrogation.
Josh"s smile wavers. "Uh, my room. Usually. Not always."
"You"ll get detention. We aren"t allowed to leave campus while school is in session."
Josh"s smile disappears altogether.
"You should join us sometime." I say it quickly, because I"m embarra.s.sed about Kurt. He"s so rigid. And awkward. But the shame that follows these traitorous thoughts is instantaneous. "Or now. Or, you know, whenever."
As if I"m any less awkward.
My best friend frowns. It"s not that he doesn"t like Josh. But this invitation would mean a change in our routine, and Kurt is a creature of habit.
Unfortunately, Josh catches the expression. He crosses his arms uneasiness in every line of his body and turns back to me. "Yeah, maybe. Sometime."
My blood ices.
Sebastien.
He was my first, last, and only boyfriend. He attends another school nearby. We dated last winter, and I thought he was a decent guy until I introduced him to Kurt. Sebastien was uncomfortable around Kurt. This made Sebastien aggressive, which intensified Kurt"s nervous habits, which turned Sebastien cruel. Which made me dump Sebastien.
Josh knows that Kurt has high-functioning autism. Everyone here knows. When a stranger misinterprets Kurt"s behaviour as rudeness and reacts poorly, I can usually forgive them. But when someone who knows him doesn"t even want to try to understand him?
No. I can"t forgive that.
My heart plummets with dead weight. "Well. Thanks for the drawing."
Kurt pulls down his hoodie laundered the evening of the soup incident, no longer stained and his sandy hair sticks out in a hundred directions. "You finally saw your portrait? The one from summer?"
I glance at Josh, and he takes a step backwards. "No," I tell Kurt. "It was a drawing he made in cla.s.s. Just now."
Josh rubs the side of his neck. "I should get going."
"But I wanna see the drawing of you." Kurt turns towards Josh. They"re both tall, about the same height, but Kurt is broader, and his stare is forceful. "Do you have it?"
"Nno," Josh says. "No, I"m sorry. I don"t."
"It"s okay. Maybe some other time." I press my lips together.
Josh crosses his arms again, and his muscles tighten. "It"s just that I don"t have that sketchbook here. In France. That"s all. Otherwise I"d show you." And then he rushes away. We watch him until he disappears from view.
"Was that weird?" Kurt asks. "I think that turned weird."
"Yeah. It was weird."
But it wasn"t. It was a moment of truth buried inside a lie. I saw Josh"s sketchbook less than an hour ago. He wanted to get away from us. Or, more likely, he wanted to get away from Kurt. My chest constricts. It"s sudden and painful, but I hold back my tears. I don"t want to have to explain them.
After lunch, I resume the habit of not looking at Josh. It"s easier now.
It"s also not easier.
I think he likes me. I don"t even know how that"s possible, but I do know that it doesn"t matter any more. It can"t matter. In physics, I feel his stare a string as delicate and gossamer as a spider"s web, gently tugging at the back of my skull. I imagine snipping it loose with a pair of sharp scissors. I don"t know if he"ll try to talk to me after cla.s.s, and I don"t know what I should say if he does. When the bell rings, I bolt.
He"s not at school the next day. I don"t know why.
I don"t see Josh over the weekend. I remove his drawing from my government textbook and carefully place it inside the top drawer of my desk. I open the drawer. Shut it. Open it. Shut it. Open it, and touch it, and worship it.
Slam it shut and feel so disloyal to Kurt.
Open it again.
Josh is back on Monday. In English, I feel him glancing at me repeatedly. When I finally lift my eyes and look across the circle, he gives me the softest smile.
Oh, it melts me.
The rest of the day is filled with these tiny moments. Another warm smile here, a friendly wave there. Something has changed...but what? On Tuesday, he asks me if I"ve read the new Joann Sfar. I haven"t, but I"m stunned that he remembers our freshman-year, one-sided conversation. And then he"s gone again.
Wednesday.
Thursday.
Friday.
Where is he?
Chapter six.
An old man with a busted piano is playing "La Vie en rose" on the street outside my window. He hauls it around this part of the city, from one corner to another, but I"ve never seen how he moves it. It"s early evening on Friday, and the tinkly, fractured music is a bizarre contrast to the rough, powerful memoir I"m reading about being lost at sea.
There are two knocks against my door.
"Just kick it," I shout from bed. "I haven"t gotten it fixed yet."
I turn the page of my book, and the door gently swings open, sans kick. I glance up. A double take, and I"m scrambling to my feet. "I"m sorry, I thought you were-"
"Kurt," Josh says.
"Yeah."
We stare at each other.
OhdearG.o.d, he"s attractive. He looks recently showered, and his clothes seem even more carefully put together than usual. Behind his casual American attire, I can always still spot his artist"s eye. His T-shirts and jeans fit, he wears the right colours, the right shoes, the right belt. It"s subtle. But he never just throws something on.
"How did you know this was my room?" I finally ask.
"I saw you come in here the other day while I was waiting for the elevator. It caught my attention, because...this used to be mine." Josh glances around, taking everything in. This must be strange for him.
It"s strange for me.
Along with the quilt of Manhattan, my bed is mounded with soft pillows and cosy blankets. I"ve squeezed in a skinny, antique bookcase that overflows with adventure books of all kinds novels, non-fiction, comics. I have a curvy gla.s.s lamp and sheer lace curtains and, instead of posters on my walls, I"ve hung scarves and jewellery. My closet is jam-packed with clothing, and I have an additional chest of drawers wedged beneath the school"s chest of drawers. Indulgent bath products line the corners of my tiny sink and equally tiny shower. My desk is organized with special nooks for homework, and my pens, pencils and highlighters are arranged like bouquets in matching vases.
"I knew that," I admit. "That this was yours."
Josh raises his dark eyebrows. "Why didn"t you say something?"
I can only shrug, but he nods as if he understands. And I think he does. He places his hands in his pockets, nervous and unsure.
"You"re still in the hallway." I shake my head. "Come in."
He does, and the door swings shut behind him.
"Careful!" I grab a textbook and shove it underneath to prop it back open. "Nate"s enforcing the new rules, you know."
Immediately, I feel like a dork.
But Josh looks confused, and I realize he doesn"t understand because he missed Nate"s speech. I fill him in. "And I don"t want to get in trouble," I add. "Because then he might not allow Kurt in here any more, and we"ve already been caught once." It happened during a room check on the second day. We got off with a warning, but we"ve spent most of our afternoons since at the Treehouse, our secret refuge across the river.
Josh rubs the back of his neck. "Yeah. Of course."
He wants to leave.
I flush with panic. I don"t know why he"s here, but I do know that my heart will break if he goes. I gesture towards the desk chair. He takes it. I can barely contain my exhale of relief. I sit across from him on the edge of the bed. I smooth my wrinkled skirt. I stare at my coral-painted toenails.
"It"s prettier in your hands," he says at last. "The room. Mine always gets messy."
I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and then I look down and let it fall forward again. "Thanks." I force my eyes to meet his. Hazel. My stomach twists. "My mother is a window dresser. She always tells me that small s.p.a.ces can still be beautiful."
"Hard to get smaller than these rooms."
"You know those crazy holiday department-store displays that people actually wait in line to see? She does them for Bergdorf Goodman."
"Those are a big deal." He leans forward, impressed. "Your mom is French, right?"
My heart skips as it does every time he remembers something about me. "Yeah. She started working here, moved there for a better internship, met my dad, and...stayed."
Josh smiles. "I like that."
"How did your parents meet?"
"Law school. Yale. Boring story."
"I"m sure it"s not boring to them."
He laughs, but my own smile fades. "Where have you been this week?" I ask. "Were you sick?"
"No. I"m fine." But he sits back again, and his expression becomes impenetrable. "It"s Sukkoth."
Sue-coat. "Sorry?"
"The Jewish holiday?"
The humiliation blush is instant. OhmyG.o.d.
"I"m off from school until next Thursday," he continues.
I search for something intelligent to say, something I"ve picked up from living in New York, but my mind is blank. Sukkoth. That"s not a holiday people take off, is it? It can"t be. As my brow furrows, Josh"s eyes brighten. They look...almost hopeful. He shakes his head as if I"d asked the question aloud. "Nope. Most American Jews don"t take it off. And even then, it"s only the first two days."
"But you"re taking an entire week?"
"I also took off last Friday, even though Yom Kippur didn"t start until sundown. Same thing, the day before Sukkoth."
"But...why?"
He leans forward. "Because you"re the first person to question it."
I"m not sure whether I"m more stunned by his deception or by being singled out. I laugh, but even to my ears, it sounds apprehensive. "Exactly how many holidays are you planning to take off?"
Josh grins. "All of them."
"And you think you"ll get away with it?"
"I did last year. As the only student here of the Hebrew persuasion, the faculty feels uncomfortable questioning my religious observance."
I laugh, but this time it"s for real. "You"re going to h.e.l.l."
"Then it"s a good thing I don"t believe in h.e.l.l."
"Right. That whole Jewish thing."
"More like that whole atheist thing." Josh sees my surprise and adds a verbal asterisk. "Don"t tell the press. My father can"t afford to lose the Jewish vote." But he rolls his eyes as he says it.
"Your dad doesn"t practise, either?"