"Who do you think you are?" she said. "Or, more to the point, who do you think I am? I may be a dumb toot," she said, "but how dare you think I am such a dumb toot that I would think what you just did was glamorous?"
This was the lowest point in my life, possibly. I felt worse then than I did when I was put in prison-worse, even, than when I was turned loose again. I may have felt worse then, even, than when I set fire to the drapes my wife was about to deliver to a client in Chevy Chase.
"Kindly take me home," Sarah Wyatt said to me. We left without eating, but not without paying. I could not help myself: I cried all the way home.
I told her brokenly in the taxicab that nothing about the evening had been my own idea, that I was a robot invented and controlled by Alexander Hamilton McCone. I confessed to being half-Polish and half-Lithuanian and nothing but a chauffeur"s son who had been ordered to put on the clothing and airs of a gentleman. I said I wasn"t going back to Harvard, and that I wasn"t even sure I wanted to live anymore.
I was so pitiful, and Sarah was so contrite and interested, that we became the closest of friends, as I say, off and on for seven years.
She would drop out of Pine Manor. She would become a nurse. While in nurse"s training she would become so upset by the sickening and dying of the poor that she would join the Communist Party. She would make me join, too.
So I might never have become a communist, if Alexander Hamilton McCone had not insisted that I take a pretty girl to the Arapahoe. And now, forty-five years later, here I was entering the lobby of the Arapahoe again. Why had I chosen to spend my first nights of freedom there? For the irony of it. No American is so old and poor and friendless that he cannot make a collection of some of the most exquisite little ironies in town.
Here I was again, back where a restaurateur had first said to me, "Bon appet.i.t!" "Bon appet.i.t!"
A great chunk of the original lobby was now a travel agency. What remained for overnight guests was a narrow corridor with a reception desk at the far end. It wasn"t wide enough to accommodate a couch or chair. The mirrored French doors through which Sarah and I had peered into the famous dining room were gone. The archway that had framed them was still there, but it was clogged now with masonry as brutal and unadorned as the wall that kept communists from becoming capitalists in Berlin, Germany. There was a pay telephone bolted to the barrier. Its coinbox had been pried open. Its handset was gone.
And yet the man at the reception desk in the distance appeared to be wearing a tuxedo, and even a boutonniere! boutonniere!
As I advanced on him, it became apparent that my eyes had been tricked on purpose. He was in fact wearing a cotton T-shirt on which were printed a trompe l"oeil trompe l"oeil tuxedo jacket and shirt, with a tuxedo jacket and shirt, with a boutonniere boutonniere, bow tie, shirtstuds, handkerchief in the pocket, and all. I had never seen such a shirt before. I did not find it comical. I was confused. It was not a joke somehow.
The night clerk had a beard that was real, and an even more aggressively genuine bellyb.u.t.ton, exposed above his low-slung trousers. He no longer dresses that way, may I say, now that he is vice-president in charge of purchasing for Hospitality a.s.sociates, Ltd., a division of The RAMJAC Corporation. He is thirty years old now. His name is Israel Edel. Like my son, he is married to a black woman. He holds a Doctor"s degree in history from Long Island University, summa c.u.m laude summa c.u.m laude, and is a Phi Beta Kappa. When we first met, in fact, Israel had to look up at me from the pages of The American Scholar The American Scholar, the Phi Beta Kappa learned monthly. Working as night clerk at the Arapahoe was the best job he could find.
"I have a reservation," I said.
"You have a what?" he said. He was not being impudent. His surprise was genuine. No one ever made a reservation at the Arapahoe anymore. The only way to arrive there was unexpectedly, in response to some misfortune. As Israel said to me only the other day, when we happened to meet in an elevator, "Making a reservation at the Arapahoe is like making a reservation in a burn ward." He now oversees the purchasing at the Arapahoe, incidentally, which, along with about four hundred other hostelries all over the world, including one in Katmandu, is a Hospitality a.s.sociates, Ltd., hotel.
He found my letter of reservation in the otherwise vacant bank of pigeonholes behind him. "A week?" he said incredulously.
"Yes," I said.
My name meant nothing to him. His area of historical expertise was heresies in thirteenth-century Normandy. But he did glean that I was an ex-jailbird-from the slightly queer return address on my envelope: a box number in the middle of nowhere in Georgia, and some numbers after my name.
"The least we can do," he said, "is to give you the Bridal Suite."
There was in fact no Bridal Suite. Every suite had long ago been part.i.tioned into cells. But there was one cell, and only one, which had been freshly painted and papered-as a result, I would later learn, of a particularly gruesome murder of a teen-age male prost.i.tute in there. Israel Edel was not himself being gruesome now. He was being kind. The room really was quite cheerful.
He gave me the key, which I later discovered would open practically every door in the hotel. I thanked him, and I made a small mistake we irony collectors often make: I tried to share an irony with a stranger. It can"t be done. I told him I had been in the Arapahoe before-in Nineteen-hundred and Thirty-one. He was not interested. I do not blame him.
"I was painting the town red with a girl," I said.
"Um," he said.
I persisted, though. I told him how we had peeked through the French doors into the famous restaurant. I asked him what was on the other side of that wall now.
His reply, which he himself considered a bland statement of fact, fell so harshly on my ears that he might as well have slapped me hard in the face. He said this: "Fist-f.u.c.king films."
I had never heard of such things. I gropingly asked what they were.
It woke him up a little, that I should be so surprised and appalled. He was sorry, as he would tell me later, to have brought a sweet little old man such ghastly news about what was going on right next door. He might have been my father, and I was his little child. He even said to me, "Never mind."
"Tell me," I said.
So he explained slowly and patiently, and most reluctantly, that there was a motion-picture theater where the restaurant used to be. It specialized in films of male h.o.m.os.e.xual acts of love, and that their climaxes commonly consisted of one actor"s thrusting his fist up the fundament of another actor.
I was speechless. Never had I dreamed that the First Amendment of the Const.i.tution of the United States of America and the enchanting technology of a motion-picture camera would be combined to form such an atrocity.
"Sorry," he said.
"I doubt very much if you"re to blame," I said. "Good night." I went in search of my room.
I pa.s.sed the brutal wall where the French doors had been-on my way to the elevator. I paused there for a moment. My lips mouthed something that I myself did not understand for a moment. And then I realized what my lips must have said, what they had to say.
It was this, of course: "Bon appet.i.t." "Bon appet.i.t."
11.
WHAT WOULD the next day hold for me? the next day hold for me?
I would, among other things, meet Leland Clewes, the man I had betrayed in Nineteen-hundred and Forty-nine.
But first I would unpack my few possessions, put them away nicely, read a little while, and then get my beauty sleep. I would be tidy. "At least I don"t smoke anymore," I thought. The room was so clean to begin with.
Two top drawers in the dresser easily accepted all I owned, but I looked into all the other drawers anyway. Thus I discovered that the bottom drawer contained seven incomplete clarinets-without cases, mouthpieces, or bells.
Life is like that sometimes.
What I should have done, especially since I was an ex-convict, was to march back down to the front desk immediately and to say that I was the involuntary custodian of a drawerful of clarinet parts and that perhaps the police should be called. They were of course stolen. As I would learn the next day, they had been taken from a truck hijacked on the Ohio Turnpike-a robbery in which the driver had been killed. Thus, anyone a.s.sociated with the incomplete instruments, should they turn up, might also be an accessory to murder. There were notices in every music store in the country, it turned out, saying that the police should be called immediately if a customer started talking about buying or selling sizeable quant.i.ties of clarinet parts. What I had in my drawer, I would guess, was about a thousandth of the stolen truckload.
But I simply closed the drawer again. I didn"t want to go right back downstairs again. There was no telephone in my room. I would say something in the morning.
I was exhausted, I found. It was not yet curtain time in all the theaters down below, but I could hardly keep my eyes open. So I pulled my window-shade down, and I put myself to bed. Off I went, as my son used to say when he was little, "to seepy-bye," which is to say, "to sleep."
I dreamed that I was in an easy chair at the Harvard Club of New York, only four blocks away. I was not young again. I was not a jailbird, however, but a very successful man-the head of a medium-size foundation, perhaps, or a.s.sistant secretary of the interior, or executive director of the National Endowment for the Humanities, or some such thing. I really would have been some such thing in my sunset years, I honestly believe, if I had not testified against Leland Clewes in Nineteen-hundred and Forty-nine.
It was a compensatory dream. How I loved it. My clothes were in perfect repair. My wife was still alive. I was sipping brandy and coffee after a fine supper with several other members of the Cla.s.s of Nineteen-hundred and Thirty-five. One detail from real life carried over into the dream: I was proud that I did not smoke anymore.
But then I absentmindedly accepted a cigarette. It was simply one more civilized satisfaction to go with the good talk and my warm belly and all. "Yes, yes-" I said, recalling some youthful shenanigans. I chuckled, eyes twinkling. I put the cigarette to my lips. A friend held a match to it. I inhaled the smoke right down to the soles of my feet.
In the dream I collapsed to the floor in convulsions. In real life I fell out of my bed at the Hotel Arapahoe. In the dream my damp, innocent pink lungs shriveled into two black raisins. Bitter brown tar seeped from my ears and nostrils.
But worst of all was the shame shame.
Even as I was beginning to perceive that I was not in the Harvard Club, and that old cla.s.smates were not sitting forward in their leather chairs and looking down at me, and even after I found I could still gulp down air and it would nourish me-even then I was still strangling on shame.
I had just squandered the very last thing I had to be proud of in life: the fact that I did not smoke anymore.
And as I came awake, I examined my hands in the light that billowed up from Times Square and then bounced down on me from my freshly painted ceiling. I spread my fingers and turned my hands this way and that, as a magician might have done. I was showing an imaginary audience that the cigarette I had held only a moment before had now vanished into thin air.
But I, as magician, was as mystified as the audience as to what had become of the cigarette. I got up off the floor, woozy with disgrace, and I looked around everywhere for a cigarette"s tell-tale red eye.
But there was no red eye.
I sat down on the edge of my bed, wide awake at last, and drenched in sweat. I took an inventory of my condition. Yes, I had gotten out of prison only that morning. Yes, I had sat in the smoking section of the airplane, but had felt no wish to smoke. Yes, I was now on the top floor of the Hotel Arapahoe.
No, there was no cigarette anywhere.
As for the pursuit of happiness on this planet: I was as happy as any human being in history.
"Thank G.o.d," I thought, "that cigarette was only a dream."
12.
AT SIX O"CLOCK on the following morning, which was the prison"s time for rising, I walked out into a city stunned by its own innocence. n.o.body was doing anything bad to anybody anywhere. It was even hard to on the following morning, which was the prison"s time for rising, I walked out into a city stunned by its own innocence. n.o.body was doing anything bad to anybody anywhere. It was even hard to imagine imagine badness. Why would anybody be bad? badness. Why would anybody be bad?
It seemed doubtful that any great number of people lived here anymore. The few of us around might have been tourists in Angkor Wat, wondering sweetly about the religion and commerce that had caused people to erect such a city. And what had made all those people, obviously so excited for a while, decide to go away again?
Commerce would have to be reinvented. I offered a news dealer two dimes, bits of silverfoil as weightless as lint, for a copy of The New York Times The New York Times. If he had refused, I would have understood perfectly. But he gave me a Times Times, and then he watched me closely, clearly wondering what I proposed to do with all that paper spattered with ink.
Eight thousand years before, I might have been a Phoenician sailor who had beached his boat on sand in Normandy, and who was now offering a man painted blue two bronze spearheads for the fur hat he wore. He was thinking: "Who is this crazy man?" And I was thinking: "Who is this crazy man?"
I had a whimsical idea: I thought of calling the secretary of the treasury, Kermit Winkler, a man who had graduated from Harvard two years after me, and saying this to him: "I just tried out two of your dimes on Times Square, and they Worked like a dream. It looks like another great day for the coinage!"
I encountered a baby-faced policeman. He was as uncertain about his role in the city as I was. He looked at me sheepishly, as though there were every chance that I was the policeman and he was the old b.u.m. Who could be sure of anything that early in the day?
I looked at my reflection in the black marble facade of a shuttered record store. Little did I dream that I would soon be a mogul of the recording industry, with gold and platinum recordings of moronic cacophony on my office wall.
There was something odd about the position of my arms in my reflection. I pondered it. I appeared to be cradling a baby. And then I understood that this was harmonious with my mood, that I was actually carrying what little future I thought I had as though it were a baby. I showed the baby the tops of the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building, the lions in front of the Public Library. I carried it into an entrance to Grand Central Station, where, if we tired of the city, we could buy a ticket to simply anywhere.
Little did I dream that I would soon be scuttling through the catacombs beneath the station, and that I would learn the secret purpose of The RAMJAC Corporation down there.
The baby and I headed back west again. If we had kept going east, we would have soon delivered ourselves to Tudor City, where my son lived. We did not want to see him. Yes, and we paused before the window of a store that offered wicker picnic hampers-fitted out with Thermos bottles and tin boxes for sandwiches and so on. There was also a bicycle. I a.s.sumed that I could still ride a bicycle. I told the baby in my mind that we might buy a hamper and a bicycle and ride out on an abandoned dock some nice day and eat chicken sandwiches and wash them down with lemonade, while seagulls soared and keened overhead. I was beginning to feel hungry. Back in prison I would have been full of coffee and oatmeal by then.
I pa.s.sed the Century a.s.sociation on West Forty-third Street, a gentleman"s club where, shortly after the Second World War, I had once been the luncheon guest of Peter Gibney, the composer, a Harvard cla.s.smate of mine. I was never invited back. I would have given anything now to be a bartender in there, but Gibney was still alive and probably still a member. We had had a falling out, you might say, after I testified against Leland Clewes. Gibney sent me a picture postcard, so that my wife and the postman could read the message, too.
"Dear s.h.i.thead," it said, "why don"t you crawl back under a damp rock somewhere?" The picture was of the Mona Lisa, with that strange smile of hers.
Down the block was the Coffee Shop of the Hotel Royalton, and I made for that. The Royalton, incidentally, like the Arapahoe, was a Hospitality a.s.sociates, Ltd., hotel; which is to say, a RAMJAC hotel. By the time I reached the coffee-shop door, however, my self-confidence had collapsed. Panic had taken its place. I believed that I was the ugliest, dirtiest little old b.u.m in Manhattan. If I went into the coffee shop, everybody would be nauseated. They would throw me out and tell me to go to the Bowery, where I belonged.
But I somehow found the courage to go in anyway-and imagine my surprise! It was as though I had died and gone to heaven! A waitress said to me, "Honeybunch, you sit right down, and I"ll bring you your coffee right away." I hadn"t said anything to her.
So I did sit down, and everywhere I looked I saw customers of every description being received with love. To the waitress everybody was "honeybunch" and "darling" and "dear." It was like an emergency ward after a great catastrophe. It did not matter what race or cla.s.s the victims belonged to. They were all given the same miracle drug, which was coffee. The catastrophe in this case, of course, was that the sun had come up again.
I thought to myself, "My goodness-these waitresses and cooks are as unjudgmental as the birds and lizards on the Galapagos Islands, off Ecuador." I was able to make the comparison because I had read about those peaceful islands in prison, in a National Geographic National Geographic loaned to me by the former lieutenant governor of Wyoming. The creatures there had had no enemies, natural or unnatural, for thousands of years. The idea of anybody"s wanting to hurt them was inconceivable to them. loaned to me by the former lieutenant governor of Wyoming. The creatures there had had no enemies, natural or unnatural, for thousands of years. The idea of anybody"s wanting to hurt them was inconceivable to them.
So a person coming ash.o.r.e there could walk right up to an animal and unscrew its head, if he wanted to. The animal would have no plan for such an occasion. And all the other animals would simply stand around and watch, unable to draw any lessons for themselves from what was going on. A person could unscrew the head of every animal on an island, if that was his idea of business or fun.
I had the feeling that if Frankenstein"s monster crashed into the coffee shop through a brick wall, all anybody would say to him was, "You sit down here, Lambchop, and I"ll bring you your coffee right away."
The profit motive was not operating. The transactions were on the order of sixty-eight cents, a dollar ten, two dollars and sixty-three ... I would find out later that the man who ran the cash register was the owner, but he would not stay at his post to rake the money in. He wanted to cook and wait on people, too, so that the waitresses and cooks kept having to say to him, "That"s my customer, Frank. Get back to the cash register," or "I"m the cook here, Frank. What"s this mess you"ve started here? Get back to the cash register," and so on.
His full name was Frank Ubriaco. He is now executive vice-president of the McDonald"s Hamburgers Division of The RAMJAC Corporation.
I could not help noticing that he had a withered right hand. It looked as though it had been mummified, although he could still use his fingers some. I asked my waitress about it. She said he had literally French-fried that hand about a year ago. He accidentally dropped his wrist.w.a.tch into a vat of boiling cooking oil. Before he realized what he was doing, he had plunged his hand into the oil, trying to rescue the watch, which was a very expensive Bulova Accutron.
So out into the city I went again, feeling much improved.
I sat down to read my newspaper in Bryant Park, behind the Public Library at Forty-second Street. My belly was full and as warm as a stove. It was no novelty for me to read The New York Times The New York Times. About half the inmates back at the prison had mail subscriptions to the Times Times, and to The Wall Street Journal The Wall Street Journal, too, and Time Time and and Newsweek Newsweek and and Sports Ill.u.s.trated Sports Ill.u.s.trated, too, and on and on. And People People. I subscribed to nothing, since the prison trash baskets were forever stuffed with periodicals of every kind.
There was a sign over every trash basket in prison, incidentally, which said, "Please!" Underneath that word was an arrow that pointed straight down.
In leafing through the Times Times, I saw that my son, Walter Stankiewicz, ne ne Starbuck, was reviewing the autobiography of a Swedish motion-picture star. Walter seemed to like it a lot. I gathered that she had had her ups and downs. Starbuck, was reviewing the autobiography of a Swedish motion-picture star. Walter seemed to like it a lot. I gathered that she had had her ups and downs.
What I particularly wanted to read, though, was the Times" Times"s account of its having been taken over by The RAMJAC Corporation. The event might as well have been an epidemic of cholera in Bangladesh. It was given three inches of s.p.a.ce on the bottom corner of an inside page. The chairman of the board of RAMJAC, Arpad Leen, said in the story that RAMJAC contemplated no changes in personnel or editorial policy. He pointed out that all publications taken over by RAMJAC in the past, including those of Time Inc., and been allowed to go on as they wished, without any interference from RAMJAC.
"Nothing has changed but the ownership," he said. And I must say, as a former RAMJAC executive myself, that we didn"t change companies we take over very much. If one of them started to die, of course-then our curiosity was aroused.
The story said that the publisher of the Times Times had received a handwritten note from Mrs. Jack Graham "... welcoming him to the RAMJAC family." It said she hoped he would stay on in his present capacity. Beneath the signature were the prints of all her fingers and thumbs. There could be no question about the letter"s being genuine. had received a handwritten note from Mrs. Jack Graham "... welcoming him to the RAMJAC family." It said she hoped he would stay on in his present capacity. Beneath the signature were the prints of all her fingers and thumbs. There could be no question about the letter"s being genuine.
I looked about myself in Bryant Park. Lilies of the valley had raised their little bells above the winter-killed ivy and gla.s.sine envelopes that bordered the walks. My wife Ruth and I had had lilies of the valley and ivy growing under the flowering crab apple tree in the front yard of our little brick bungalow in Chevy Chase, Maryland.
I spoke to the lilies of the valley. "Good morning," I said.
Yes, and I must have gone into a defensive trance again. Three hours pa.s.sed without my budging from the bench.
I was aroused at last by a portable radio that was turned up loud. The young man carrying it sat down on a bench facing mine. He appeared to be Hispanic. I did not learn his name. If he had done me some kindness, he might now be an executive in The RAMJAC Corporation. The radio was tuned to the news. The newscaster said that the air quality that day was unacceptable.
Imagine that: unacceptable air.
The young man did not appear to be listening to his own radio. He may not even have understood English. The newscaster spoke with a barking sort of hilarity, as though life were a comical steeplechase, with unconventional steeds and hazards and vehicles involved. He made me feel that even I was a contestant-in a bathtub drawn by three aardvarks, perhaps. I had as good a chance as anybody to win.
He told about another man in the steeplechase, who had been sentenced to die in an electric chair in Texas. The doomed man had instructed his lawyers to fight anybody, including the governor and the President of the United States, who might want to grant him a stay of execution. The thing he wanted more than anything in life, evidently, was death in the electric chair.
Two joggers came down the path between me and the radio. They were a man and a woman in identical orange-and-gold sweatsuits and matching shoes. I already knew about the jogging craze. We had had many joggers in prison. I found them smug.
About the young man and his radio. I decided that he had bought the thing as a prosthetic device, as an artificial enthusiasm for the planet. He paid as little attention to it as I paid to my false front tooth. I have since seen several young men like that in groups-with their radios tuned to different stations, with their radios engaged in a spirited conversation. The young men themselves, perhaps having been told nothing but "shut up" all their lives, had nothing to say.
But now the young man"s radio said something so horrifying that I got off my bench, left the park, and joined the throng of Free Enterprisers charging along Forty-second Street toward Fifth Avenue.
The story was this: An imbecilic young female drug addict from my home state of Ohio, about nineteen years old, had had a baby whose father was unknown. Social workers put her and the baby into a hotel not unlike the Arapahoe. She bought a full-grown German shepherd police dog for protection, but she forgot to feed it. Then she went out one night on some unspecified errand, and she left the dog to guard the baby. When she got back, she found that the dog had killed the baby and eaten part of it.
What a time to be alive!
So there I was marching as purposefully as anybody toward Fifth Avenue. According to plan, I began to study the faces coming at me, looking for a familiar one that might be of some use to me. I was prepared to be patient. It would be like panning for gold, I thought, like looking for a glint of the precious in a dish of sand.