"Yeah. Okay. Why not? Why can"t you hear about it?"
"Oh. The men. The nasty life. Don"t they fight all the time? When you do their hair, you"re not afraid they might start fighting?"
"Only when they sober." Violet smiled.
"Oh, well."
"They share men, fight them and fight over them, too."
"No woman should live like that."
"No. No woman should have to."
"Killing people." Alice sucked her teeth. "Makes me sick to my stomach." She poured the tea, then lifting cup and saucer, held it back while she looked at Violet.
"If you had found out about them before he killed her, would you have?"
"I wonder."
Alice handed her the tea. "I don"t understand women like you. Women with knives." She s.n.a.t.c.hed up a long-sleeved blouse and smoothed it over the ironing board.
"I wasn"t born with a knife."
"No, but you picked one up."
"You never did?" Violet blew ripples into the tea.
"No, I never did. Even when my husband ran off I never did that. And you. You didn"t even have a worthy enemy. Somebody worth killing. You picked up a knife to insult a dead girl."
"But that"s better, ain"t it? The harm was already done."
"She wasn"t the enemy."
"Oh, yes she is. She"s my enemy. Then, when I didn"t know it, and now too."
"Why? Because she was young and pretty and took your husband away from you?"
Violet sipped her tea and did not answer. After a long silence, and after their talk had turned to trifles then on to the narrowness of life, Violet said to Alice Manfred, "Wouldn"t you? You wouldn"t fight for your man?"
Seeded in childhood, watered every day since, fear had sprouted through her veins all her life. Thinking war thoughts it had gathered, blossomed into another thing. Now, as she looked at this woman, Alice heard her question like the pop of a toy gun.
Somewhere in Springfield only the teeth were left. Maybe the skull, maybe not. If she dug down deep enough and tore off the top, she could be sure that the teeth would certainly be there. No lips to share with the woman she had shared them with. No fingers to lift her hips as he had lifted others. Just the teeth exposed now, nothing like the smile that had made her say, "Choose." And he did.
What she told Violet was true. She had never picked up a knife. What she neglected to say-what came flooding back to her now-was also true: every day and every night for seven months she, Alice Manfred, was starving for blood. Not his. Oh, no. For him she planned sugar in his motor, scissors to his tie, burned suits, slashed shoes, ripped socks. Vicious, childish acts of violence to inconvenience him, remind him. But no blood. Her craving settled on the red liquid coursing through the other woman"s veins. An ice pick stuck in and pulled up would get it. Would a clothesline rope circling her neck and yanked with all Alice"s strength make her spit it up? Her favorite, however, the dream that plumped her pillow at night, was seeing herself mount a horse, then ride it and find the woman alone on a road and gallop till she ran her down under four iron hooves; then back again, and again until there was nothing left but tormented road dirt signaling where the hussy had been.
He had chosen; so would she. And maybe after galloping through seven months of nights on a horse she neither owned nor knew how to ride, over the twitching, pulpy body of a woman who wore white shoes in winter, laughed loud as a child, and who had never seen a marriage license-maybe she would have done something wild. But after seven months she had to choose something else. The suit, the tie, the shirt he liked best. They suggested she not waste the shoes. No one would see them. But socks? Surely he has to have socks? Of course, said the mortician. Socks, of course. And what difference did it make that one of the mourners was her sworn and hated enemy laying white roses on the coffin, taking away one the color of her dress. For thirty years he was turning into teeth in Springfield, and neither she nor the mourner in the inappropriate dress could do a thing about it.
Alice slammed the pressing iron down. "You don"t know what loss is," she said, and listened as closely to what she was saying as did the woman sitting by her ironing board in a hat in the morning.
The hat, pushed back on her forehead, gave Violet a scatty look. The calming effect of the tea Alice Manfred had given her did not last long. Afterward she sat in the drugstore sucking malt through a straw wondering who on earth that other Violet was that walked about the City in her skin; peeped out through her eyes and saw other things. Where she saw a lonesome chair left like an orphan in a park strip facing the river that other Violet saw how the ice skim gave the railing"s black poles a weapony glint. Where she, last in line at the car stop, noticed a child"s cold wrist jutting out of a too-short, hand-me-down coat, that Violet slammed past a whitewoman into the seat of a trolley four minutes late. And if she turned away from faces looking past her through restaurant windows, that Violet heard the clack of the plate gla.s.s in mean March wind. She forgot which way to turn the key in the lock; that Violet not only knew the knife was in the parrot"s cage and not in the kitchen drawer, that Violet remembered what she did not: sc.r.a.ping marble from the parrot"s claws and beak weeks ago. She had been looking for that knife for a month. Couldn"t for the life of her think what she"d done with it. But that Violet knew and went right to it. Knew too where the funeral was going on, although it could not have been but one of two places, come to think of it. Still, that Violet knew which of the two, and the right time to get there. Just before the closing of the casket, when the people who were going to faint fainted and the women in white dresses were fanning them. And the ushers, young men the same age as the deceased-from the dead girl"s junior high school cla.s.s, with freshly barbered heads and ghost-white gloves-gathered; first in a tight knot of six and then separated into two lines of three, they moved down the aisle from the back where they had a.s.sembled and surrounded the bier. They were the ones that Violet had to push aside, elbow her way into. And they did. Step aside, thinking maybe this was some last-minute love desperate to make itself known before it couldn"t see and might forget the sleeping face it treasured. The ushers saw the knife before she did. Before she knew what was going on, the boy ushers" hard hands-knuckle-tough from marbles and steelies, from s...o...b..a.l.l.s packed to bullet strength, from years of sticks sending hardb.a.l.l.s over the hoods of motor cars, into lots with high fences and even into the open windows as well as the closed of people living four floors up, hands that had held the boys" whole body weight from the iron railings of El bridges-these hands were reaching toward the blade she had not seen for a month at least and was surprised to see now aimed at the girl"s haughty, secret face.
It bounced off, making a little dent under her earlobe, like a fold in the skin that was hardly a disfigurement at all. She could have left it at that: the fold under the earlobe, but that Violet, unsatisfied, fought with the hard-handed usher boys and was time enough for them, almost. They had to forget right away that this was a fifty-year-old woman in a fur-collared coat and a hat pulled down so far over her right eye it was a wonder she saw the door to the church not to speak of the right place to aim her knife. They had to abandon the teachings they had had all their lives about the respect due their elders. Lessons learned from the old folks whose milky-light eyes watched everything they did, commented on it, and told each other what it was. Lessons they had learned from the younger old folks (like her) who could be their auntie, their grandmother, their mother, or their mother"s best friend, who not only could tell on them, but could tell them; could stop them cold with a word, with a "Cut that mess out!" shouted from any window, doorway or street curb in a two-block radius. And they would cut it out, or take it downstairs behind the trunks, or off in a neglected park, or better still, in the shadow of the El where no lights lit what these women did not allow, don"t care whose child it was. But they did it nevertheless. Forgot the lessons of a lifetime, and concentrated on the wide, shining blade, because who knew? Maybe she had more than one cutting in mind. Or maybe they could see themselves hangdog at the dinner table trying to explain to these same women or even, Jesus! the men, the fathers and uncles, and grown cousins, friends and neighbors, why they had just stood there like streetlights and let this woman in a fur-collared coat make fools of them and ruin the honorable job they had worn white gloves for. They had to wrestle her to the floor before she let go. And the sound that came from her mouth belonged to something wearing a pelt instead of a coat.
By then the usher boys were joined by frowning men, who carried that kicking, growling Violet out while she looked on in amazement. She had not been that strong since Virginia, since she loaded hay and handled the mule wagon like a full-grown man. But twenty years doing hair in the City had softened her arms and melted the shield that once covered her palms and fingers. Like shoes taking away the tough leather her bare feet had grown, the City took away the back and arm power she used to boast of. A power that Violet had not lost because she gave the usher boys, and the grown men too, a serious time.
That Violet should not have let the parrot go. He forgot how to fly and just trembled on the sill, but when she ran home from the funeral, having been literally thrown out by the hard-handed boys and the frowning men, "I love you" was exactly what neither she nor that Violet could bear to hear. She tried not to look at him as she paced the rooms, but the parrot saw her and squawked a weak "Love you" through the pane.
Joe, who had been missing since New Year"s Day, did not come home that night or the next for her black-eyed peas. Gistan and Stuck came by to ask for him, to say they couldn"t play cards Friday and to linger with embarra.s.sment in the hall while Violet stared at them. So she knew the parrot was there because she kept going up and down the stairs from her apartment door to the front door to see if Joe was coming down the street. At two in the morning, again at four, she made the trip, peered out into the dark street, solitary except for a pair of police and cats peeing in the snow. The parrot, shivering and barely turning his green and blond head, told her each time, "Love you."
"Get away," she told him. "Go on off somewhere!"
The second morning he had. All she saw, down in the cellar well beneath the stoop, was a light yellow feather with a tip of green. And she had never named him. Had called him "my parrot" all these years. "My parrot." "Love you." "Love you." Did the dogs get him? Did some night-walking man s.n.a.t.c.h him up and take him to a house that did not feature mirrors or keep a supply of ginger cookies for him? Or did he get the message-that she said, "My parrot" and he said, "Love you," and she had never said it back or even taken the trouble to name him-and manage somehow to fly away on wings that had not soared for six years. Wings grown stiff from disuse and dull in the bulb light of an apartment with no view to speak of.
The malted was gone and although her stomach seemed about to lose its st.i.tching, she ordered another and took it over behind the secondhand magazine rack to one of the little tables that Duggie had placed there against the law that said if he did it, it made the place a restaurant. There she could sit and watch the foam disappear, the scoops of ice cream lose their ridges and turn to soft, glistening b.a.l.l.s like soap bars left in a dishpan full of water.
She had meant to bring a package of Dr. Dee"s Nerve and Flesh Builder to stir into the malted milkshake, because the milkshakes alone didn"t seem to be doing any good. The hips she came here with were gone, too, just like the power in her back and arms. Maybe that Violet, the one who knew where the butcher knife was and was strong enough to use it, had the hips she had lost. But if that Violet was strong and had hips, why was she proud of trying to kill a dead girl, and she was proud. Whenever she thought about that Violet, and what that Violet saw through her own eyes, she knew there was no shame there, no disgust. That was hers alone, so she hid behind the rack at one of Duggie"s little illegal tables and played with the straw in a chocolate malt. She could have been eighteen herself, just like the girl at the magazine rack, reading Collier"s and playing for time in the drugstore. Did Dorcas, when she was alive, like Collier"s? Liberty Magazine? Did the blonde ladies with shingled hair capture her? Did the men in golf shoes and V-neck sweaters? How could they if she found herself stuck on a man old enough to be her father? A man who carried not a golf club but a sample case of Cleopatra products. A man whose handkerchiefs were not lightweight cotton poking from his jacket pocket, but red and large and spotted with white dots. Did he ask her to warm with her own body his spot in the bed on cold winter nights before he slid in? Or did he do it for her? He probably let her put her spoon into his pint of cream and scoop off the melty part, and when they sat in the dark of the Lincoln Theater he wouldn"t mind a bit if she stuck her hand down in his box of popcorn and came up with a fistful of it the sonofab.i.t.c.h. And when "Wings Over Jordan" came on he probably turned the volume down so he could hear her when she sang along with the choir, instead of up so as to drown out her rendition of "Lay my body down." Turned, too, his jaw to the light of the bulb so she could press out between her thumbnails the hair root caught in a pore the dog. And another d.a.m.n thing. (The malt was soup now, smooth and cold.) The twenty-five-dollar bonus prize of a blue-shaded boudoir lamp or an orchid-colored satinlike ladies" robe that he won and was due to him for having sold all that merchandise in one month-did he give that to her the heifer? Take her to Indigo on Sat.u.r.day and sit way back so they could hear the music wide and be in the dark at the same time, at one of those round tables with a slick black top and a tablecloth of pure white on it, drinking rough gin with that sweet red stuff in it so it looked like soda pop, which a girl like her ought to have ordered instead of liquor she could sip from the edge of a gla.s.s wider at the mouth than at its base, with a tiny stem like a flower in between while her hand, the one that wasn"t holding the gla.s.s shaped like a flower, was under the table drumming out the rhythm on the inside of his thigh, his thigh, his thigh, thigh, thigh, and he bought her underwear with st.i.tching done to look like rosebuds and violets, VIOLETS, don"t you know, and she wore it for him thin as it was and too cold for a room that couldn"t count on a radiator to work through the afternoon, while I was where? Sliding on ice trying to get to somebody"s kitchen to do their hair? Huddled in a doorway out of the wind waiting for the trolley? Wherever it was, it was cold and I was cold and n.o.body had got into the bed sheets early to warm up a spot for me or reached around my shoulders to pull the quilt up under my neck or even my ears because it got that cold sometimes it did and maybe that is why the butcher knife struck the neckline just by the earlobe. That"s why. And that"s why it took so much wrestling to get me down, keep me down and out of that coffin where she was the heifer who took what was mine, what I chose, picked out and determined to have and hold on to, NO! that Violet is not somebody walking round town, up and down the streets wearing my skin and using my eyes s.h.i.t no that Violet is me! The me that hauled hay in Virginia and handled a four-mule team in the brace. I have stood in cane fields in the middle of the night when the sound of it rustling hid the slither of the snakes and I stood still waiting for him and not stirring a speck in case he was near and I would miss him, and d.a.m.n the snakes my man was coming for me and who or what was going to keep me from him? Plenty times, plenty times I have carried the welts given me by a two-tone p.e.c.k.e.rwood because I was late in the field row the next morning. Plenty times, plenty, I chopped twice the wood that was needed into short logs and kindlin so as to make sure the crackers had enough and wouldn"t go hollering for me when I was bound to meet my Joe Trace don"t care what, and do what you will or may he was my Joe Trace. Mine. I picked him out from all the others wasn"t n.o.body like Joe he make anybody stand in cane in the middle of the night; make any woman dream about him in the daytime so hard she miss the rut and have to work hard to get the mules back on the track. Any woman, not just me. Maybe that is what she saw. Not the fifty-year-old man toting a sample case, but my Joe Trace, my Virginia Joe Trace who carried a light inside him, whose shoulders were razor sharp and who looked at me with two-color eyes and never saw anybody else. Could she have looked at him and seen that? Under the table at the Indigo was she drumming on a thigh soft as a baby"s but feeling all the while the way it used to be skin so tight it almost split and let the iron muscle through? Did she feel that, know that? That and other things, things I should have known and didn"t? Secret things kept hidden from me or things I didn"t notice? Is that why he let her scoop the melty part from around the edges of his pint of ice cream, stick her hand down in his salt-and-b.u.t.ter popcorn. What did she see, young girl like that, barely out of high school, with unbraided hair, lip rouge for the first time and high-heeled shoes? And also what did he? A young me with high-yellow skin instead of black? A young me with long wavy hair instead of short? Or a not me at all. A me he was loving in Virginia because that girl Dorcas wasn"t around there anywhere. Was that it? Who was it? Who was he thinking of when he ran in the dark to meet me in the cane field? Somebody golden, like my own golden boy, who I never ever saw but who tore up my girlhood as surely as if we"d been the best of lovers? Help me G.o.d help me if that was it, because I knew him and loved him better than anybody except True Belle who is the one made me crazy about him in the first place. Is that what happened? Standing in the cane, he was trying to catch a girl he was yet to see, but his heart knew all about, and me, holding on to him but wishing he was the golden boy I never saw either. Which means from the very beginning I was a subst.i.tute and so was he.
I got quiet because the things I couldn"t say were coming out of my mouth anyhow. I got quiet because I didn"t know what my hands might get up to when the day"s work was done. The business going on inside me I thought was none of my business and none of Joe"s either because I just had to keep hold of him any way I could and going crazy would make me lose him.
Sitting in the thin sharp light of the drugstore playing with a long spoon in a tall gla.s.s made her think of another woman occupying herself at a table pretending to drink from a cup. Her mother. She didn"t want to be like that. Oh never like that. To sit at the table, alone in the moonlight, sipping boiled coffee from a white china cup as long as it was there, and pretending to sip it when it was gone; waiting for morning when men came, talking low as though n.o.body was there but themselves, and picked around in our things, lifting out what they wanted-what was theirs, they said, although we cooked in it, washed sheets in it, sat on it, ate off of it. That was after they had hauled away the plow, the scythe, the mule, the sow, the churn and the b.u.t.ter press. Then they came inside the house and all of us children put one foot on the other and watched. When they got to the table where our mother sat nursing an empty cup, they took the table out from under her and then, while she sat there alone, and all by herself like, cup in hand, they came back and tipped the chair she sat in. She didn"t jump up right away, so they shook it a bit and since she still stayed seated-looking ahead at n.o.body-they just tipped her out of it like the way you get the cat off the seat if you don"t want to touch it or pick it up in your arms. You tip it forward and it lands on the floor. No harm done if it"s a cat because it has four legs. But a person, a woman, might fall forward and just stay there a minute looking at the cup, stronger than she is, unbroken at least and lying a bit beyond her hand. Just out of reach.
There were five of them, Violet the third, and they all came in the house finally and said mama; each one came and said it until she said uh huh. They never heard her say anything else in the days that followed, when, huddled in an abandoned shack, they were thoroughly dependent upon the few neighbors left in 1888-the ones who had not moved west to Kansas City or Oklahoma; north to Chicago or Bloomington Indiana. It was through one of the last-to-leave families, bound for Philadelphia, that the message of Rose Dear"s distress reached True Belle. Those who stayed brought things: a pallet, a pot, some pan bread and a bucket of milk. Advice too: "Don"t let this whip you, Rose. You got us, Rose Dear. Think of the young ones, Rose. He ain"t give you nothing you can"t bear, Rose." But had He? Maybe this one time He had. Had misjudged and misunderstood her particular backbone. This one time. This here particular spine.
Rose"s mother, True Belle, came when she heard. Left her cushiony job in Baltimore and, with ten eagle dollars st.i.tched separately into her skirts to keep them quiet, came back to a little depot called Rome in Vesper County to take charge and over. The little girls fell in love right away and things got put back together. Slowly but steadily, for about four years, True Belle got things organized. And then Rose Dear jumped in the well and missed all the fun. Two weeks after her burial, Rose"s husband arrived loaded with ingots of gold for the children, two-dollar pieces for the women and snake oil for the men. For Rose Dear he brought a silk embroidered pillow to comfort her back on a sofa n.o.body ever had, but would have been real nice under her head in the pine box-if only he"d been on time. The children ate the chocolate from the ingots of gold and traded the heavenly paper among themselves for reed whistles and fishing string. The women bit the piece of silver before knotting it tightly in their clothes. Except True Belle. She fingered the money and, looking back and forth from the coin to her son-in-law, shook her head and laughed.
"d.a.m.n," he said. "Aw, d.a.m.n," when he heard what Rose had done.
Twenty-one days later he was gone again, and Violet was married to Joe and living in the City when she heard from a sister that he"d done it again: arrived in Rome with treasures weighing his pockets and folded under the cap on his head. His trips back were both bold and secret for he had been mixed in and up with the Readjuster Party, and when a verbal urging from landowners had not worked, a physical one did the trick and he was persuaded to transfer hisself someplace, anyplace, else. Perhaps he planned to find some way to get them all out; in the meantime he made fabulously dangerous and wonderful returns over the years, although the interims got longer and longer, and while the likelihood that he was still alive grew fainter, hope never did. Anytime anytime, on another brittle cold Monday or in the blasting heat of a Sunday night, he might be there, owl-whistling from the road, the mocking, daring dollar bills sticking from his cap, jammed into the cuffs of his trousers and the tops of his shoes. Candy stuck in clumps in his coat pocket along with a tin of Frieda"s Egyptian Hair Pomade. Bottles of rye, purgative waters and eaux for every conceivable toilette made a companionable click in his worn carpet bag.
He"d be in his seventies now. Slower for sure, and maybe he"d lost the teeth that made the smile that made the sisters forgive him. But for Violet (as well as for her sisters and those who stayed in the county) he was out there somewhere gathering and putting by delights to pa.s.s out among the homefolks. For who could keep him down, this defiant birthday-every-day man who dispensed gifts and stories that kept them so rapt they forgot for the while a bone-clean cupboard and exhausted soil; or believed a child"s leg would straighten itself out by and by. Forgot why he left in the first place and was forced to sneak into his own home ground. In his company forgetfulness fell like pollen. But for Violet the pollen never blotted out Rose. In the midst of the joyful resurrection of this phantom father, taking pleasure in the distribution of his bounty both genuine and fake, Violet never forgot Rose Dear or the place she had thrown herself into-a place so narrow, so dark it was pure, breathing relief to see her stretched in a wooden box.
"Thank G.o.d for life," True Belle said, "and thank life for death."
Rose. Dear Rose Dear.
What was the thing, I wonder, the one and final thing she had not been able to endure or repeat? Had the last washing split the shirtwaist so bad it could not take another mend and changed its name to rag? Perhaps word had reached her about the four-day hangings in Rocky Mount: the men on Tuesday, the women two days later. Or had it been the news of the young tenor in the choir mutilated and tied to a log, his grandmother refusing to give up his waste-filled trousers, washing them over and over although the stain had disappeared at the third rinse. They buried him in his brother"s pants and the old woman pumped another bucket of clear water. Might it have been the morning after the night when craving (which used to be hope) got out of hand? When longing squeezed, then tossed her before running off promising to return and bounce her again like an India-rubber ball? Or was it that chair they tipped her out of? Did she fall on the floor and lie there deciding right then that she would do it. Someday. Delaying it for four years while True Belle came and took over but remembering the floorboards as a door, closed and locked. Seeing bleak truth in an unbreakable china cup? Biding her time until the moment returned-with all its mewing hurt or overboard rage-and she could turn away from the door, the cup to step toward the limitlessness beckoning from the well. What could it have been, I wonder?
True Belle was there, chuckling, competent, st.i.tching by firelight, gardening and harvesting by day. Pouring mustard tea on the girls" cuts and bruises, and keeping them at their tasks with spellbinding tales of her Baltimore days and the child she had cared for there. Maybe it was that: knowing her daughters were in good hands, better hands than her own, at last, and Rose Dear was free of time that no longer flowed, but stood stock-still when they tipped her from her kitchen chair. So she dropped herself down the well and missed all the fun.
The important thing, the biggest thing Violet got out of that was to never never have children. Whatever happened, no small dark foot would rest on another while a hungry mouth said, Mama?
As she grew older, Violet could neither stay where she was nor go away. The well sucked her sleep, but the notion of leaving frightened her. It was True Belle who forced it. There were bully cotton crops in Palestine and people for twenty miles around were going to pick it. Rumor was the pay was ten cents for young women, a quarter for men. Three double seasons in a row of bad weather had ruined all expectations and then came the day when the blossoms jumped out fat and creamy. Everybody held his breath while the landowner squinted his eyes and spat. His two black laborers walked the rows, touching the tender flowers, fingering the soil and trying to puzzle out the sky. Then one day of light, fresh rain, four dry, hot and clear, and all of Palestine was downy with the cleanest cotton they"d ever seen. Softer than silk, and out so fast the weevils, having abandoned the fields years ago, had no time to get back there.
Three weeks. It all had to be done in three weeks or less. Everybody with fingers in a twenty-mile radius showed up and was hired on the spot. Nine dollars a bale, some said, if you grew your own; eleven dollars if you had a white friend to carry it up for pricing. And for pickers, ten cents a day for the women and a case quarter for the men.
True Belle sent Violet and two of her sisters in the fourth wagonload to go. They rode all night, a.s.sembled at dawn, ate what was handed out and shared the meadows and the stars with local people who saw no point in going all the way home for five hours" sleep.
Violet had no talent for it. She was seventeen years old but trailed with the twelve-year-olds-making up the last in line or meeting the others on their way back down the row. For this she was put to scragging, second-picking the bushes that had a few inferior puffs left on the twigs by swifter hands than hers. Humiliated, teased to tears, she had about decided to beg a way back to Rome when a man fell out of the tree above her head and landed at her side. She had lain down one night, sulking and abashed, a little way from her sisters, but not too far. Not too far to crawl back to them swiftly if the trees turned out to be full of spirits idling the night away. The spot she had chosen to spread her blanket was under a handsome black walnut that grew at the edge of the woods bordering the acres of cotton.
The thump could not have been a racc.o.o.n"s because it said Ow. Violet rolled away too scared to speak, but raised on all fours to dash.
"Never happened before," said the man. "I"ve been sleeping up there every night. This the first time I fell out."
Violet could see his outline in a sitting position and that he was rubbing his arm then his head then his arm again.
"You sleep in trees?"
"If I find me a good one."
"n.o.body sleeps in trees."
"I sleep in them."
"Sounds softheaded to me. Could be snakes up there."
"Snakes around here crawl the ground at night. Now who"s softheaded?"
"Could"ve killed me."
"Might still, if my arm ain"t broke."
"I hope it is. You won"t be picking nothing in the morning and climbing people"s trees either."
"I don"t pick cotton. I work the gin house."
"What you doing out here, then, Mr. High and Mighty, sleeping in trees like a bat?"
"You don"t have one nice word for a hurt man?"
"Yeah: find somebody else"s tree."
"You act like you own it."
"You act like you do."
"Say we share it."
"Not me."
He stood up and shook his leg before trying his weight on it, then limped toward the tree.
"You not going back up there over my head."
"Get my tarp," he said. "Rope broke. That"s what did it." He scanned the night for the far reaches of the branches. "See it? There it is. Hanging right there. Yep." He sat down then, his back resting on the trunk. "Have to wait till it"s light, though," he said and Violet always believed that because their first conversation began in the dark (when neither could see much more of the other than silhouette) and ended in a green-and-white dawn, nighttime was never the same for her. Never again would she wake struggling against the pull of a narrow well. Or watch first light with the sadness left over from finding Rose Dear in the morning twisted into water much too small.
His name was Joseph, and even before the sun rose, when it was still hidden in the woods, but freshening the world"s green and dazzling acres of white cotton against the gash of a ruby horizon, Violet claimed him. Hadn"t he fallen practically in her lap? Hadn"t he stayed? All through the night, taking her sa.s.s, complaining, teasing, explaining, but talking, talking her through the dark. And with daylight came the bits of him: his smile and his wide watching eyes. His b.u.t.tonless shirt open to a knot at the waist exposed a chest she claimed as her own smooth pillow. The shaft of his legs, the plane of his shoulders, jawline and long fingers-she claimed it all. She knew she must be staring, and tried to look away, but the contrasting color of his two eyes brought her glance back each and every time. She grew anxious when she heard workers begin to stir, antic.i.p.ating the breakfast call, going off in the trees to relieve themselves, muttering morning sounds-but then he said, "I"ll be back in our tree tonight. Where you be?"
"Under it," she said and rose from the clover like a woman with important things to do.
She did not worry what could happen in three weeks when she was supposed to take her two dollars and ten cents back to True Belle. As it turned out, she sent it back with her sisters and stayed in the vicinity hunting work. The straw boss had no faith in her, having watched her sweating hard to fill her sack as quickly as the children, but she was highly and suddenly vocal in her determination.
She moved in with a family of six in Tyrell and worked at anything to be with Joe whenever she could. It was there she became the powerfully strong young woman who could handle mules, bale hay and chop wood as good as any man. It was there where the palms of her hands and the soles of her feet grew shields no gloves or shoes could match. All for Joe Trace, a double-eyed nineteen-year-old who lived with an adopted family, worked gins and lumber and cane and cotton and corn, who butchered when needed, plowed, fished, sold skins and game-and who was willing. He loved the woods. Loved them. So it was shocking to his family and friends not when he agreed to marry Violet, but that, thirteen years later, he agreed to take her to Baltimore, where she said all the houses had separate rooms and water came to you-not you to it. Where colored men worked harbors for $2.50 a day, pulling cargo from ships bigger than churches, and others drove up to the very door of your house to take you where you needed to be. She was describing a Baltimore of twenty-five years ago and a neighborhood neither she nor Joe could rent in, but she didn"t know that, and never knew it, because they went to the City instead. Their Baltimore dreams were displaced by more powerful ones. Joe knew people living in the City and some who"d been there and come home with tales to make Baltimore weep. The money to be earned for doing light work-standing in front of a door, carrying food on a tray, even cleaning strangers" shoes-got you in a day more money than any of them had earned in one whole harvest. Whitepeople literally threw money at you-just for being neighborly: opening a taxi door, picking up a package. And anything you had or made or found you could sell in the streets. In fact, there were streets where colored people owned all the stores; whole blocks of handsome colored men and women laughing all night and making money all day. Steel cars sped down the streets and if you saved up, they said, you could get you one and drive as long as there was road.
For fourteen years Joe listened to these stories and laughed. But he resisted them too, until, abruptly, he changed his mind. No one, not even Violet, knew what it was that permitted him to leave his fields and woods and secret lonely valleys. To give away his fishing pole, his skinning knife-every piece of his gear but one, and borrow a suitcase for their things. Violet never knew what it was that fired him up and made him want-all of a sudden, but later than most-to move to the City. She supposed that the dinner that tickled everybody must have played a part in Joe"s change of mind. If Booker T. was sitting down to eat a chicken sandwich in the President"s house in a city called capital, near where True Belle had had such a good time, then things must be all right, all right. He took his bride on a train ride electric enough to pop their eyes and danced on into the City.
Violet thought it would disappoint them; that it would be less lovely than Baltimore. Joe believed it would be perfect. When they arrived, carrying all of their belongings in one valise, they both knew right away that perfect was not the word. It was better than that.
Joe didn"t want babies either so all those miscarriages-two in the field, only one in her bed-were more inconvenience than loss. And citylife would be so much better without them. Arriving at the train station back in 1906, the smiles they both smiled at the women with little children, strung like beads over suitcases, were touched with pity. They liked children. Loved them even. Especially Joe, who had a way with them. But neither wanted the trouble. Years later, however, when Violet was forty, she was already staring at infants, hesitating in front of toys displayed at Christmas. Quick to anger when a sharp word was flung at a child, or a woman"s hold of a baby seemed awkward or careless. The worst burn she ever made was on the temple of a customer holding a child across her knees. Violet, lost in the woman"s hand-patting and her knee-rocking the little boy, forgot her own hand holding the curling iron. The customer flinched and the skin discolored right away. Violet moaned her apologies and the woman was satisfied until she discovered that the whole curl was singed clean off. Skin healed, but an empty spot in her hairline...Violet had to forgo payment to shut her up.
By and by longing became heavier than s.e.x: a panting, unmanageable craving. She was limp in its thrall or rigid in an effort to dismiss it. That was when she bought herself a present; hid it under the bed to take out in secret when it couldn"t be helped. She began to imagine how old that last miscarried child would be now. A girl, probably. Certainly a girl. Who would she favor? What would her speaking voice sound like? After weaning time, Violet would blow her breath on the babygirl"s food, cooling it down for the tender mouth. Later on they would sing together, Violet taking the alto line, the girl a honeyed soprano. "Don"t you remember, a long time ago, two little babes their names I don"t know, carried away one bright summer"s day, lost in the woods I hear people say that the sun went down and the stars shone their light. Poor babes in the woods they laid down and died. When they were dead a robin so red put strawberry leaves over their heads." Aw. Aw. Later on Violet would dress her hair for her the way the girls wore it now: short, bangs paper sharp above the eyebrows? Ear curls? Razor-thin part on the side? Hair sliding into careful waves marcelled to a T?
Violet was drowning in it, deep-dreaming. Just when her b.r.e.a.s.t.s were finally flat enough not to need the binders the young women wore to sport the chest of a soft boy, just when her nipples had lost their point, mother-hunger had hit her like a hammer. Knocked her down and out. When she woke up, her husband had shot a girl young enough to be that daughter whose hair she had dressed to kill. Who lay there asleep in that coffin? Who posed there awake in the photograph? The scheming b.i.t.c.h who had not considered Violet"s feelings one tiniest bit, who came into a life, took what she wanted and d.a.m.n the consequences? Or mama"s dumpling girl? Was she the woman who took the man, or the daughter who fled her womb? Washed away on a tide of soap, salt and castor oil. Terrified, perhaps, of so violent a home. Unaware that, had it failed, had she braved mammymade poisons and mammy"s urgent fists, she could have had the best-dressed hair in the City. Instead, she hung around in the fat knees of strangers" children. In shop windows, and baby carriages left for a moment in the sun. Not realizing that, b.i.t.c.h or dumpling, the two of them, mother and daughter, could have walked Broadway together and ogled the clothes. Could be sitting together, cozy in the kitchen, while Violet did her hair.
"Another time," she said to Alice Manfred, "another time I would have loved her too. Just like you did. Just like Joe." She was holding her coat lapels closed, too embarra.s.sed to let her hostess hang it up lest she see the lining.
"Maybe," said Alice. "Maybe. You"ll never know now, though, will you?"
"I thought she was going to be pretty. Real pretty. She wasn"t."
"Pretty enough, I"d say."
"You mean the hair. The skin color."
"Don"t tell me what I mean."
"Then what? What he see in her?"
"Shame on you. Grown woman like you asking me that."
"I have to know."
"Then ask the one who does know. You see him every day."
"Don"t get mad."
"Will if I want to."
"All right. But I don"t want to ask him. I don"t want to hear what he has to say about it. You know what I"m asking."
"Forgiveness is what you"re asking and I can"t give you that. It"s not in my power."
"No, not that. That"s not it, forgiveness."
"What, then? Don"t get pitiful. I won"t stand for you getting pitiful, hear me?"
"We born around the same time, me and you," said Violet. "We women, me and you. Tell me something real. Don"t just say I"m grown and ought to know. I don"t. I"m fifty and I don"t know nothing. What about it? Do I stay with him? I want to, I think. I want...well, I didn"t always...now I want. I want some fat in this life."
"Wake up. Fat or lean, you got just one. This is it."