""Killed her. Then I killed the me that killed her."
""Who"s left?"
""Me."
"I didn"t say anything. I started thinking maybe the hairdresser was right again because of the way she looked when she said "me." Like it was the first she heard of the word.
"Mr. Trace came back in then, and said he was going to sit outside awhile. She said, "No, Joe. Stay with us. She won"t bite."
"She meant me, and something else I couldn"t catch. He nodded and sat down by the window saying, "For a little while."
"Mrs. Trace looked at him but I knew she was talking to me when she said, "Your little ugly friend hurt him and you remind him of her."
"I could hardly find my tongue. "I"m not like her!"
"I didn"t mean to say it so loud. They both turned to look at me. So I said it even though I didn"t plan to. I told them even before I asked for the ring. "Dorcas let herself die. The bullet went in her shoulder, this way." I pointed. "She wouldn"t let anybody move her; said she wanted to sleep and she would be all right. Said she"d go to the hospital in the morning. "Don"t let them call n.o.body," she said. "No ambulance; no police, no n.o.body." I thought she didn"t want her aunt, Mrs. Manfred, to know. Where she was and all. And the woman giving the party said okay because she was afraid to call the police. They all were. People just stood around talking and waiting. Some of them wanted to carry her downstairs, put her in a car and drive to the emergency ward. Dorcas said no. She said she was all right. To please leave her alone and let her rest. But I did it. Called the ambulance, I mean; but it didn"t come until morning after I had called twice. The ice, they said, but really because it was colored people calling. She bled to death all through that woman"s bed sheets on into the mattress, and I can tell you that woman didn"t like it one bit. That"s all she talked about. Her and Dorcas" boyfriend. The blood. What a mess it made. That"s all they talked about."
"I had to stop then because I was out of breath and crying.
"I hated crying all over myself like that.
"They didn"t stop me neither. Mr. Trace handed me his pocket handkerchief, and it was soaked by the time I was through.
""This the first time?" he asked me. "The first time you cried about her?"
"I hadn"t thought about it, but it was true.
"Mrs. Trace said, "Oh, s.h.i.t."
"Then the two of them, they just looked at me. I thought they would never say another word until Mrs. Trace said, "Come to supper, why don"t you. Friday evening. You like catfish?"
"I said sure, but I wasn"t going to. The h.e.l.l with the ring. But the Thursday before, I thought about the way Mr. Trace looked at me and the way his wife said "me."
"The way she said it. Not like the "me" was some tough somebody, or somebody she had put together for show. But like, like somebody she favored and could count on. A secret somebody you didn"t have to feel sorry for or have to fight for. Somebody who wouldn"t have to steal a ring to get back at whitepeople and then lie and say it was a present from them. I wanted the ring back not just because my mother asks me have I found it yet. It"s beautiful. But although it belongs to me, it"s not mine. I love it, but there"s a trick in it, and I have to agree to the trick to say it"s mine. Reminds me of the tricky blond kid living inside Mrs. Trace"s head. A present taken from whitefolks, given to me when I was too young to say No thank you.
"It was buried with her. That"s what I found out when I went back for the catfish supper. Mrs. Trace saw it on Dorcas" hand when she stabbed her in the coffin.
"I had a funny feeling in my stomach, and my throat was too dry to swallow, but I had to ask her just the same-why did she mess up the funeral that way. Mr. Trace looked at her as though he had asked the question.
""Lost the lady," she said. "Put her down someplace and forgot where."
""How did you find her?"
""Looked."
"We sat there for a while n.o.body saying anything. Then Mrs. Trace got up to answer a knock at the door. I heard voices. "Just right here and right here. Won"t take but two minutes."
""I don"t do no two-minute work."
""Please, Violet, I wouldn"t ask if it wasn"t absolutely necessary, you know that."
"They came into the dining room, Mrs. Trace and a woman pleading for a few curls "just here and here. And maybe you can turn it down up here. Not curled, just turned, know what I mean?"
""You all go up front, I won"t be too long." She said that to Mr. Trace and me after we said "Evening" to the hurry-up customer, but n.o.body introduced anybody.
"Mr. Trace didn"t sit at the window this time. He sat next to me on the sofa.
""Felice. That means happy. Are you?"
""Sure. No."
""Dorcas wasn"t ugly. Inside or out."
"I shrugged. "She used people."
""Only if they wanted her to."
""Did you want her to use you?"
""Must have."
""Well, I didn"t. Thank G.o.d she can"t anymore."
"I wished I hadn"t taken my sweater off. My dress stretches across the top no matter what I do. He was looking at my face, not my body, so I don"t know why I was nervous alone in the room with him.
"Then he said, "You mad cause she"s dead. So am I."
""You the reason she is."
""I know. I know."
""Even if you didn"t kill her outright; even if she made herself die, it was you."
""It was me. For the rest of my life, it"ll be me. Tell you something. I never saw a needier creature in my life."
""Dorcas? You mean you still stuck on her?"
""Stuck? Well, if you mean did I like what I felt about her. I guess I"m stuck to that."
""What about Mrs. Trace? What about her?"
""We working on it. Faster now, since you stopped by and told us what you did."
""Dorcas was cold," I said. "All the way to the last she was dry-eyed. I never saw her shed a tear about anything."
"He said, "I did. You know the hard part of her; I saw the soft. My luck was to tend to it."
""Dorcas? Soft?"
""Dorcas. Soft. The girl I knew. Just cause she had scales don"t mean she wasn"t fry. n.o.body knew her that way but me. n.o.body tried to love her before me."
""Why"d you shoot at her if you loved her?"
""Scared. Didn"t know how to love anybody."
""You know now?"
""No. Do you, Felice?"
""I got other things to do with my time."
"He didn"t laugh at me, so I said, "I didn"t tell you everything."
""There"s more?"
""I suppose I should. It was the last thing she said. Before she...went to sleep. Everybody was screaming, "Who shot you, who did it?" She said, "Leave me alone. I"ll tell you tomorrow." She must have thought she was going to be around tomorrow and made me think so too. Then she called my name although I was kneeling right beside her. "Felice. Felice. Come close, closer." I put my face right there. I could smell the fruity liquor on her breath. She was sweating, and whispering to herself. Couldn"t keep her eyes open. Then she opened them wide and said real loud: "There"s only one apple." Sounded like "apple." "Just one. Tell Joe."
""See? You were the last thing on her mind. I was right there, right there. Her best friend, I thought, but not best enough for her to want to go to the emergency room and stay alive. She let herself die right out from under me with my ring and everything and I wasn"t even on her mind. So. That"s it. I told you."
"That was the second time I saw him smile but it was more sad than pleased.
""Felice," he said. And kept on saying it. "Felice. Felice." With two syllables, not one like most people do, including my father.
"The curled-hair woman came past on her way out the door, chattering, saying, Thanks so much see you Joe sorry to interrupt bye honey didn"t catch your name you a blessing Violet a real blessing bye.
"I said I had to go too. Mrs. Trace plopped down in a chair with her head thrown back and her arms dangling. "People are mean," she said. "Plain mean."
"Mr. Trace said, "No. Comic is what they are."
"He laughed a little then, to prove his point, and she did too. I laughed too but it didn"t come out right because I didn"t think the woman was all that funny.
"Somebody in the house across the alley put a record on and the music floated in to us through the open window. Mr. Trace moved his head to the rhythm and his wife snapped her fingers in time. She did a little step in front of him and he smiled. By and by they were dancing. Funny, like old people do, and I laughed for real. Not because of how funny they looked. Something in it made me feel I shouldn"t be there. Shouldn"t be looking at them doing that.
"Mr. Trace said, "Come on, Felice. Let"s see what you can do." He held out his hand.
"Mrs. Trace said, "Yeah. Come on. Hurry; it"s almost over."
"I shook my head, but I wanted to.
"When they finished and I asked for my sweater, Mrs. Trace said, "Come back anytime. I want to do your hair for you anyway. Free. Your ends need clipping."
"Mr. Trace sat down and stretched. "This place needs birds."
""And a Victrola."
""Watch your mouth, girl."
""If you get one, I"ll bring some records. When I come to get my hair done."
""Hear that, Joe? She"ll bring some records." ""Then I best find me another job." He turned to me, touching my elbow as I walked to the door. "Felice. They named you right. Remember that."
"I"ll tell my mother the truth. I know she is proud of stealing that opal; of daring to do something like that to get back at the whiteman who thought she was stealing even when she wasn"t. My mother is so honest she makes people laugh. Returning a pair of gloves to the store when they gave her two pair instead of the one pair she paid for; giving quarters she finds on the seat to conductors on the trolley. It"s as though she doesn"t live in a big city. When she does stuff like that, my father puts his forehead in his hand and store people and conductor people look at her like she is nutty for sure. So I know how much taking the ring meant to her. How proud she was of breaking her rules for once. But I"ll tell her I know about it, and that it"s what she did, not the ring, that I really love.
"I"m glad Dorcas has it. It did match her bracelet and matched the house where the party was. The walls were white with silver and turquoise draperies at the windows. The furniture fabric was turquoise too, and the throw rugs the hostess rolled up and put in the spare bedroom were white. Only her dining room was dark and not fixed up like the front part. She probably hadn"t got around to doing it over in her favorite colors and let a bowl of Christmas oranges be the only decoration. Her own bedroom was white and gold, but the bedroom she put Dorcas in, a spare one off the dark dining room, was plain.
"I didn"t have a fellow for the party. I went along with Dorcas and Acton. Dorcas needed an alibi and I was it. We had just renewed our friendship after she stopped seeing Mr. Trace and was running around with her "catch." Somebody a lot of girls older than us wanted and had too. Dorcas liked that part-that other girls were jealous; that he chose her over them; that she had won. That"s what she said. "I won him. I won!" G.o.d. You"d think she had been in a fight.
"What the h.e.l.l did she win? He treated her bad, but she didn"t think so. She spent her time figuring out how to keep him interested in her. Plotting what she would do to any girl who tried to move in. That"s the way all the girls I know think: how to get, then hold on to, a guy and most of that is having friends who want you to have him, and enemies who don"t. I guess that"s the way you have to think about it. But what if I don"t want to?
"It"s warm tonight. Maybe there won"t be a spring and we"ll slide right on into summer. My mother will like that-she can"t stand the cold-and my father, chasing around looking for colored baseball players "in the flesh and on the lot," hollering, jumping up and down when he recounts the plays to his friends, he"ll be happy too. No blossoms are on the trees yet but it"s warm enough. They"ll be out soon. That one over there is aching for it. It"s not a man tree; I think it"s a child. Well, could be a woman, I suppose.
"Her catfish was pretty good. Not as good as the way my grandmother used to do it, or my mother used to before her chest wore out. Too much hot pepper in the dredging flour the way Mrs. Trace fixed it. I drank a lot of water so as not to hurt her feelings. It eased the pain."
Pain. I seem to have an affection, a kind of sweettooth for it. Bolts of lightning, little rivulets of thunder. And I the eye of the storm. Mourning the split trees, hens starving on rooftops. Figuring out what can be done to save them since they cannot save themselves without me because-well, it"s my storm, isn"t it? I break lives to prove I can mend them back again. And although the pain is theirs, I share it, don"t I? Of course. Of course. I wouldn"t have it any other way. But it is another way. I am uneasy now. Feeling a bit false. What, I wonder, what would I be without a few brilliant spots of blood to ponder? Without aching words that set, then miss, the mark?
I ought to get out of this place. Avoid the window; leave the hole I cut through the door to get in lives instead of having one of my own. It was loving the City that distracted me and gave me ideas. Made me think I could speak its loud voice and make that sound sound human. I missed the people altogether.
I thought I knew them and wasn"t worried that they didn"t really know about me. Now it"s clear why they contradicted me at every turn: they knew me all along. Out of the corners of their eyes they watched me. And when I was feeling most invisible, being tight-lipped, silent and un.o.bservable, they were whispering about me to each other. They knew how little I could be counted on; how poorly, how shabbily my know-it-all self covered helplessness. That when I invented stories about them-and doing it seemed to me so fine-I was completely in their hands, managed without mercy. I thought I"d hidden myself so well as I watched them through windows and doors, took every opportunity I had to follow them, to gossip about and fill in their lives, and all the while they were watching me. Sometimes they even felt sorry for me and just thinking about their pity I want to die.
So I missed it altogether. I was sure one would kill the other. I waited for it so I could describe it. I was so sure it would happen. That the past was an abused record with no choice but to repeat itself at the crack and no power on earth could lift the arm that held the needle. I was so sure, and they danced and walked all over me. Busy, they were, busy being original, complicated, changeable-human, I guess you"d say, while I was the predictable one, confused in my solitude into arrogance, thinking my s.p.a.ce, my view was the only one that was or that mattered. I got so aroused while meddling, while finger-shaping, I overreached and missed the obvious. I was watching the streets, thrilled by the buildings pressing and pressed by stone; so glad to be looking out and in on things I dismissed what went on in heart-pockets closed to me.
I saw the three of them, Felice, Joe and Violet, and they looked to me like a mirror image of Dorcas, Joe and Violet. I believed I saw everything important they did, and based on what I saw I could imagine what I didn"t: how exotic they were, how driven. Like dangerous children. That"s what I wanted to believe. It never occurred to me that they were thinking other thoughts, feeling other feelings, putting their lives together in ways I never dreamed of. Like Joe. To this moment I"m not sure what his tears were really for, but I do know they were for more than Dorcas. All the while he was running through the streets in bad weather I thought he was looking for her, not Wild"s chamber of gold. That home in the rock; that place sunlight got into most of the day. Nothing to be proud of, to show anybody or to want to be in. But I do. I want to be in a place already made for me, both snug and wide open. With a doorway never needing to be closed, a view slanted for light and bright autumn leaves but not rain. Where moonlight can be counted on if the sky is clear and stars no matter what. And below, just yonder, a river called Treason to rely on.
I"d love to close myself in the peace left by the woman who lived there and scared everybody. Unseen because she knows better than to be seen. After all, who would see her, a playful woman who lived in a rock? Who could, without fright? Of her looking eyes looking back? I wouldn"t mind. Why should I? She has seen me and is not afraid of me. She hugs me. Understands me. Has given me her hand. I am touched by her. Released in secret.
Now I know.
Alice Manfred moved away from the tree-lined street back to Springfield. A woman with a taste for brightly colored dresses is there whose b.r.e.a.s.t.s are probably soft sealskin purses now, and who may need a few things. Curtains, a good coat lining to bear the winter in. The cheerful company maybe of someone who can provide the necessary things for the night.
Felice still buys Okeh records at Felton"s and walks so slowly home from the butcher shop the meat turns before it hits the pan. She thinks that way she can trick me again-moving so slow people nearby seem to be running. Can"t fool me: her speed may be slow, but her tempo is next year"s news. Whether raised fists freeze in her company or open for a handshake, she"s n.o.body"s alibi or hammer or toy.
Joe found work at Paydirt, a speakeasy night job that lets him see the City do its unbelievable sky and run around with Violet in afternoon daylight. On his way home, just after sunrise, he will descend the steps of the Elevated, and if a milk wagon is parked at the curb, he might buy a pint from the second-day crate to cool the evening"s hot cornbread supper. When he gets to the apartment building, he picks up the bits of night trash the stoop dwellers have left, drops them in the ashcan and gathers up the children"s toys to place them under the stairwell. If he finds a doll he recognizes among the toys, he leaves it propped up and comfortable against the pile. He climbs the stairs and before he gets to his own door he can smell the ham Violet will not give up frying in its own fat to season the hominy swelling in the pot. He calls loudly to her as he closes the door behind him and she calls back: "Vi?" "Joe?" As though it might be another, as though a presumptuous neighbor or a young ghost with bad skin might be there instead. They eat breakfast then and, more often than not, fall asleep. Because of Joe"s work-Violet"s too-and other things as well, they have stopped night sleeping-exchanging that waste of time for short naps whenever the body insists, and were not surprised by how good they felt. The rest of the day goes however they want it to. After a hairdressing, for example, he meets her at the drugstore for her vanilla malt and his cherry smash.
They walk down 125th Street and across Seventh Avenue and if they get tired they sit down and rest on any stoop they want to and talk weather and youthful misbehavior to the woman leaning on the sill of the first-floor window. Or they might saunter over to the Corner and join the crowd listening to the men with the long-distance eyes. (They like these men, although Violet is worried that one or another of them will tip the wood box or the broken chair he stands on, or that somebody among the group will shout something that hurts the man"s feelings. Joe, loving the long-distance eyes, is always supportive and chimes in at appropriate moments with encouraging words.) Once in a while they take the train all the way to 42nd Street to enjoy what Joe calls the stairway of the lions. Or they idle along 72nd Street to watch men dig holes in the ground for a new building. The deep holes scare Violet, but Joe is fascinated. Both of them think it"s a shame.
A lot of the time, though, they stay home figuring things out, telling each other those little personal stories they like to hear again and again, or fussing with the bird Violet bought. She got it cheap because it wasn"t well. Hardly any peck to it. Drank water but wouldn"t eat. The special bird mix Violet prepared didn"t help either. It looked just past her face and didn"t turn its head when she tweeted and purred through the bars of the little cage. But, as I said all that time ago, Violet is nothing if not persistent. She guessed the bird wasn"t lonely because it was already sad when she bought it out of a flock of others. So if neither food nor company nor its own shelter was important to it, Violet decided, and Joe agreed, nothing was left to love or need but music. They took the cage to the roof one Sat.u.r.day, where the wind blew and so did the musicians in shirts billowing out behind them. From then on the bird was a pleasure to itself and to them.
Since Joe had to be at work at midnight, they cherished after-supper time. If they did not play bid whist with Gistan and Stuck, and Stuck"s new wife, Faye, or promise to keep an eye out for somebody"s children, or let Malvonne in to gossip so she wouldn"t feel bad about pretending loyalty and betraying them both, they played poker just the two of them until it was time to go to bed under the quilt they plan to tear into its original sc.r.a.ps right soon and get a nice wool blanket with a satin hem. Powder blue, maybe, although that would be risky with the soot flying and all, but Joe is partial to blue. He wants to slip under it and hold on to her. Take her hand and put it on his chest, his stomach. He wants to imagine, as he lies with her in the dark, the shapes their bodies make the blue stuff do. Violet doesn"t care what color it is, so long as under their chins that avenue of no-question-about-it satin cools their lava forever.
Lying next to her, his head turned toward the window, he sees through the gla.s.s darkness taking the shape of a shoulder with a thin line of blood. Slowly, slowly it forms itself into a bird with a blade of red on the wing. Meanwhile Violet rests her hand on his chest as though it were the sunlit rim of a well and down there somebody is gathering gifts (lead pencils, Bull Durham, j.a.p Rose Soap) to distribute to them all.
There was an evening, back in 1906, before Joe and Violet went to the City, when Violet left the plow and walked into their little shotgun house, the heat of the day still stunning. She was wearing coveralls and a sleeveless faded shirt and slowly removed them along with the cloth from her head. On a table near the cookstove stood an enamel basin-speckled blue and white and chipped all round its rim. Under a square of toweling, placed there to keep insects out, the basin was full of still water. Palms up, fingers leading, Violet slid her hands into the water and rinsed her face. Several times she scooped and splashed until, perspiration and water mixed, her cheeks and forehead cooled. Then, dipping the toweling into the water, carefully she bathed. From the windowsill she took a white shift, laundered that very morning, and dropped it over her head and shoulders. Finally she sat on the bed to unwind her hair. Most of the knots fixed that morning had loosened under her headcloth and were now cupfuls of soft wool her fingers thrilled to. Sitting there, her hands deep in the forbidden pleasure of her hair, she noticed she had not removed her heavy work shoes. Putting the toe of her left foot to the heel of the right, she pushed the shoe off. The effort seemed extra and the mild surprise at how very tired she felt was interrupted by a soft, wide hat, as worn and dim as the room she sat in, descending on her. Violet did not feel her shoulder touch the mattress. Way before that she had entered a safe sleep. Deep, trustworthy, feathered in colored dreams. The heat was relentless, insinuating. Like the voices of the women in houses nearby singing "Go down, go down, way down in Egypt land..." Answering each other from yard to yard with a verse or its variation.
Joe had been away for two months at Crossland, and when he got home and stood in the doorway, he saw Violet"s dark girl-body limp on the bed. She looked frail to him, and penetrable everyplace except at one foot, the left, where her man"s work shoe remained. Smiling, he took off his straw hat and sat down at the bottom of the bed. One of her hands held her face; the other rested on her thigh. He looked at the fingernails hard as her palm skin, and noticed for the first time how shapely her hands were. The arm that curved out of the shift"s white sleeve was muscled by field labor, awful thin, but smooth as a child"s. He undid the laces of her shoe and eased it off. It must have helped something in her dream for she laughed then, a light happy laugh that he had never heard before, but which seemed to belong to her.
When I see them now they are not sepia, still, losing their edges to the light of a future afternoon. Caught midway between was and must be. For me they are real. Sharply in focus and clicking. I wonder, do they know they are the sound of snapping fingers under the sycamores lining the streets? When the loud trains pull into their stops and the engines pause, attentive listeners can hear it. Even when they are not there, when whole city blocks downtown and acres of lawned neighborhoods in Sag Harbor cannot see them, the clicking is there. In the T-strap shoes of Long Island debutantes, the sparkling fringes of daring short skirts that swish and glide to music that intoxicates them more than the champagne. It is in the eyes of the old men who watch these girls, and the young ones who hold them up. It is in the graceful slouch of the men slipping their hands into the pockets of their tuxedo trousers. Their teeth are bright; their hair is smooth and parted in the middle. And when they take the arms of the T-strap girls and guide them away from the crowd and the too-bright lights, it is the clicking that makes them sway on unlit porches while the Victrola plays in the parlor. The click of dark and snapping fingers drives them to Roseland, to Bunny"s; boardwalks by the sea. Into places their fathers have warned them about and their mothers shudder to think of. Both the warning and the shudder come from the snapping fingers, the clicking. And the shade. Pushed away into certain streets, restricted from others, making it possible for the inhabitants to sigh and sleep in relief, the shade stretches-just there-at the edge of the dream, or slips into the crevices of a chuckle. It is out there in the privet hedge that lines the avenue. Gliding through rooms as though it is tidying this, straightening that. It bunches on the curbstone, wrists crossed, and hides its smile under a wide-brim hat. Shade. Protective, available. Or sometimes not; sometimes it seems to lurk rather than hover kindly, and its stretch is not a yawn but an increase to be beaten back with a stick. Before it clicks, or taps or snaps its fingers.
Some of them know it. The lucky ones. Everywhere they go they are like a magician-made clock with hands the same size so you can"t figure out what time it is, but you can hear the ticking, tap, snap.