Chapter 4: Last Stop of the 5 AM Train
Part 2
In August, Natsuki, Shuu, and I started hanging out a lot.
It was Natsuki who’d suggested it.
Seeing as it was the weekend, there was no practice for the sports clubs. It was summer vacation, Natsuki argued, so everyone should take this chance to enjoy ourselves outside of home.
We were to meet at Hachiougi Station, just past noon.
“Where to?”
I wasn’t listening, and Shuu looked like he was waiting for Natsuki to say something.
“Just follow my lead today, okay?”
She dragged us to the ticket gates.
“Keeping it a secret, huh. Well, how about it? Yuuto?”
“I’ll go along with you.”
“Okay…if that’s the case, I’ll just use my card. I have no idea where we’re going, after all.”
Shuu rummaged around in his pocket and pulled out his IC card to swipe us through.
“…How’s your health?”
I asked Natsuki as I walked beside her, while keeping my eye on Shuu, who was in front of us.
“I’m fine. There’s nothing that’s really gotten anyone worried. The doctor said that I should just go on with life as usual. It is summer vacation, after all. You and Shuu both have had summer vacations full of nothing but test prep for the past two years, so this time we should all make unforgettable memories, just the three of us.”
Natsuki, too, had her gaze on Shuu. He was standing in front of the ticket machine, trying to get the machine to deposit the correct number of tickets. That cautious reliability was just so Shuu-like. My eyes met with Natsuki’s, and we burst into giggles.
I had always thought that we would be able to spend our three years in high school just like this. Right now, Natsuki may be standing beside me with a smile on her face, but come summer next year, she…
“We still don’t know.”
“Eh?”
Natsuki tilted her head up to look directly at me.
“Next year, the three of us might come together again and hang out all through summer vacation without having to worry about test prep or anything. We still don’t know what the future has in store.”
“Yeah…you’re right.”
Shuu ambled his way back to us from the ticket machine, and the three of us got on the train that was headed downtown.
My anxiety over Natsuki’s health was showing on my face, catching Shuu’s attention.
“C"mon Yuuto, what’s up with you, getting all worried over Natsuki like that?”
Not knowing the seriousness of her situation, he minced no words in asking me the question.
“You think it’s weird? But hey, I don’t think it’s just today. He’s always this nice,” Natsuki said to both of us. “Of course, so are you, Shuu.”
And Natsuki was Natsuki, no matter what.
Our destination was the city baseball stadium…or rather, the hero show next to it.
“Natsuki, this is…?”
I blurted it out, without thinking. I mean, wasn’t her love of hero shows supposed to be a secret from Shuu?
“It’s fine! I’ve been thinking, it’s something I really like, so why hide it, you know?”
She sure was putting on a gallant act, but her face was beet red. She kept glancing at Shuu out of the corner of her eye, as if waiting to see how he would react.
“Man, I haven’t been to a hero show in forever!”
At Shuu’s words, Natsuki, who’d been trembling like a rabbit in the brush, brightened up a little.
“Shuu, you like these kind of things?”
“Yeah, I do. When I was little, I bugged my parents to bring me to these shows all the time.”
For Shuu, since his parents no longer got along, each little memory that he had with his parents was precious to him. Today’s events would likewise become precious new memories for him and Natsuki, then.
Sure, I felt kind of lonely, now that the secret between me and Natsuki was no longer a secret, but since Natsuki liked Shuu, I felt like it was something he ought to know. Still, it left a bad taste in my mouth.
We all sat down, with Natsuki sandwiched between me and Shuu.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been to a hero show.”
I looked around the unfamiliar stage in fascination.
“Well, I haven’t been to one in forever,” remarked Shuu.
“Fufufu, I’m warning you now, the hero shows here have really stepped up their game lately…”
Natsuki was right.
Smoke billowed out from behind the curtains, filling the stage, and as the heroes leapt out from the smoke, the arena was filled with cheers.
The performance was overwhelming from beginning to end. They dashed so quickly, it seemed to me as if I were watching a sped-up video. They flew from one end of the stage to another on wires, beating up enemies, the final blows accompanied by huge explosions.
As I watched the story unfold on stage, I recalled an event from my childhood.
There was a hero charm strap that Natsuki wanted more than anything, so the two of us had gone to the toy store to look for it, but since it was a toy that had come out quite a while ago, it was sold out at the time. The displays were full of all the new hero toys, and once a show finished airing, they would clear out all the merchandise from the shelves to make room for new ones.
I wanted to find one for her so badly that the next weekend, I went around on my bike, visiting every single toy shop I knew of. I even went to places that I doubted would have it in stock, like the toy booth at the shopping mall and the radio-controlled car store. The next week, I visited all those stores again, and finally found it in an ancient little store that looked about ready to collapse. That Monday, I was in high spirits, all ready to present it to Natsuki, when I saw that she already had one attached to her backpack. Turned out that her dad had bought it somewhere online. I didn’t say a word to her, just ended up keeping the strap and taking it home. It might still be buried in my room somewhere.
Once the show ended, they let people get onto the stage to take photographs with the actors.
With a cheerful “C"mon, let’s go take pictures with them!” I pushed Natsuki towards the stage.
“N-No, I’m good…”
Natsuki shyed away, embarra.s.sed to be seen doing the same thing as all these little kids.
“Aww, come on, let’s do it, for memories’ sake.”
Flanked by Shuu and me, Natsuki had no choice but to be dragged along. She made a cute face like she was being forced to do it, but she was all smiles as the three of us walked to the stage. When we got to the front of the line, Natsuki said, “Let’s take it together!” and it was her turn this time to drag us up.
We posed in front of the heroes, with Natsuki in the middle, and had them take the picture. It felt just like the day we graduated middle school and took that picture.
After it was developed, the photograph was framed and given to us. Our smiles looked so genuinely happy. Behind us were the heroes, standing like they were protecting us.
“Thank you so much! I’ll treasure it forever!”
Natsuki held the picture tightly to her chest the whole way home.
“There was a hero show at Hachiougi station earlier, too! I wish we could’ve gone!!” The entire time we were on the train, Natsuki couldn’t contain her smile.
We were sitting in a row on the train, with me on Natsuki’s left, and Shuu on her right. Whenever we were all in a row, it was in this order.
The train continued on towards the setting sun. We had fallen into a comfortable silence, gazing at the city landscape outside the window, now dyed in the orange of the sunset.
“I wish summer would never end…” murmured Natsuki.
Shuu laughed. “Natsuki, don’t say such childish things.”
You don’t know the half of it, Shuu. Natsuki doesn’t have much time left. Who knows just how many more sunsets she’ll be able to enjoy like this?
“Let’s hang out again next weekend,” I suggested to both of them. “You’re down, right, Shuu?”
“Yeah, sure thing, but…”
Natsuki’s eyes met with mine. She gave me the faintest of smiles, and nodded without a word.
The next week, we went to the zoo.
The week after that, we visited an aquarium.
Though I knew it was all in vain, I devoured medical texts from Monday to Friday, while Natsuki and Shuu did their club activities, and on the weekends we would all go out to play.
If only this fulfilling summer could continue on forever.
If only these times where Natsuki’s health was perfect, and Shuu and I could stay by her side, could continue on forever.
If only they could continue on forever…
Here, now, in this instant, I felt that I was truly happy.
That’s not to say that it was perfect. I knew that there was a complex balance to be maintained. Natsuki’s illness was set to take a turn for the worse once second semester rolled around. And then autumn would come, and she might be gone by then.
There was nothing I could do to help here, was there? No matter how many medical texts I read, if I didn’t understand them, then I was utterly useless.
If only second semester would never come.
Then Natsuki would be able to live.
Right, I should just let it drag out!
I should just repeat these few weeks over and over again.
I took out the reset b.u.t.ton, and held it in both hands.
Then I recalled Maki-chan’s warning about my hippocampus decaying.
But Natsuki was far more important than my health.
That’s what I believed.
I closed my eyes, and let a scene from the past come to mind.
I put all my willpower behind my thumb, and
―Reset.
The first midterms of my high school life.
As always, Shuu, Natsuki and I studied together.
Summer vacation. Studying. Clubs. Hanging out.
It was a blissful few months.
Eventually, the end drew near.
I held the b.u.t.ton tightly.
―Reset.
The first midterms of high school.
As always, the three of us competed against each other for grades. They turned out so-so.
We studied again for the finals. We got pretty high scores.
We headed into summer vacation in high spirits, and enjoyed clubs, studying, and playing around.
As September approached, I took out the b.u.t.ton.
―Reset.
―Reset.
――Reset.
―――Reset.
――――Reset…..
I reset our lives, over and over again. Our fun-filled days never changed. They didn’t get stale. They didn’t grow old.
I’d thought that if I kept working on attaining medical knowledge, eventually I would know as much as doctors did. But reality wasn’t that kind. Sure enough, it seemed like my hippocampus was losing capacity, and I started forgetting everything I had learned. Meanwhile, I started to care less and less about my grades.
All I needed was for Natsuki to live.
All I needed was for these three months, where Natsuki could live her life, to continue forever.
That was all I needed…
The school days I repeated didn’t dull, but my academics sure did. My memories became muddled, and my decision-making abilities went on the decline.
One time, I went to the summer festival with everyone, and dropped a chicken kabob.
At the poolside, I suddenly felt dizzy and fell right into the pool.
I became unable to recall my own home phone number.
With these little slip-ups, I slowly became an altogether different person. I started drifting away from perfection.
I was becoming a different person… No, actually, resetting was my sole purpose in life. I absolutely had to reset, for Natsuki’s sake.
August, once again, drew to a close.
I took out the b.u.t.ton.
―Reset.
As we exited the hospital together, Natsuki spoke.
“Hey, Yuuto, this might be a really insensitive thing to bring up right now, but will you hear me out for a bit?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“I really like Shuu.”
“…I know.”
“Oh, so you knew…sorry.”
“Don’t sweat it. Shuu’s a good guy. And the three of us can stay together this way.”
“Yeah but…I kind of feel really bitter about it.”
“Bitter?”
“I like him, but it seems like no matter how hard I try, I can’t close the distance between him and me.”
“That’s probably because you guys are friends…”
“It feels like I’ll keep falling behind, bitterly, for the next hundred years. Forever, maybe.”
“What are y-…”
“I wonder why do I feel so bitter? I mean, in a hundred years, I’m not even going to be alive anymore, so why do I hear a voice in the back of my mind telling me, that I’m probably going to go on feeling bitter until the end of time?”
“You really feel…bitter?”
“…Yeah, I do. Just living makes me feel bitter. Isn’t that weird? Despite the fact that I’m not doing anything out of the ordinary, despite the fact that I’m going to die soon.”
“You won’t die, Natsuki. You won’t die. It’ll be fine. I promise.”
“That’s not it…that’s not the point here.”
Natsuki pressed her palm to her throat, her pain evident in her expression.
“…I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m scared. It feels like this bitterness will never go away. It feels like I’m just running around in circles, always in the same place, like I’ll never be able to stop the pain. When I think about how this might go on forever, it makes me want to die then and there. Ridiculous, isn’t it? Have I finally gone off the deep end?”
She stared right into my eyes, anguish written plainly across her face, as if she were trying to express to me directly just how much she was hurting. As if she were accusing me, “It’s all your fault.” Fear clutched at my heart, and I stumbled backwards, my breath caught in my throat, unable to croak out an answer.
“B-but…Natsuki, you…Natsuki…”
I see…
Every day that I repeated was, to Natsuki, another day where her attempts to get closer to Shuu would be in vain. Even when she did feel like progress had been made, all that was always wiped clean by my actions. This never-ending cycle of bitterness was no doubt more painful than any h.e.l.l in all of Buddhist scripture. For the dying Natsuki, every day was more precious than the last, but each time I pressed the b.u.t.ton, I was reducing those precious days to nothingness…
Ah!
I’ve been running around in circles this whole time.
I’d just a.s.sumed right off that bat that Natsuki and I had the same view on this―that she, too, wanted to stay with us forever, to keep on living.
But that wasn’t what she wanted.
What have I done? Nothing. Nothing but make Natsuki feel bitter.
The ringing in my ears came through like a wrecking ball, scattering my thoughts.
This life is terrible, just terrible, sang out a voice from somewhere.
It really was.
It was terrible, through and through.
After dinner, I told my parents, “I’m gonna go buy something, be right back,” and went outside. With no destination in mind, I plodded on, my feet like deadweights, until I reached the shopping district. This was the first time I had ever been out so late. The whole area was surprisingly well-lit.
The idea of committing some sort of petty crime occurred to me, but I realized that I couldn’t think of single thing a higher schooler like me out in the shopping district in the middle of the night could reasonably do.
At some point, the ringing in my ears had changed from a high keening sound to a more rumbly sort of sound. I managed to continue walking upright, but I couldn’t even tell if I was going in a straight line or not.
I continued with my ungainly walking, and pondered.
G.o.d, it was all my fault. It was all my fault that Natsuki was suffering.
I kept going forward, my feet heavy. I felt like a machine. I couldn’t stop. Neither my thoughts nor my body would stop.
This was all part of the thing Maki-chan had said about my hippocampus withering away, wasn’t it.
With each and every reset, I was gradually wearing my body down to its limits. All for Natsuki’s sake, or so I’d thought.
Natsuki and I had something special between us―or so I’d thought.
All that was just a delusion. A selfish a.s.sumption on my part.
With each reset I made, Natsuki’s suffering increased. She had simply withstood it all without even knowing where it was coming from, had felt it weigh more on her heart with each pa.s.sing day. This pain in her heart was probably even worse than the pain from her illness.
I’d thought it had all been for Natsuki’s sake…
For Natsuki’s sake…
…Had it really?
…Had it really been for Natsuki’s sake?
Hadn’t I just been doing this for my own sake―my own perfection and tidiness―all this time?
Hadn’t I just been resetting for my own sake while convincing myself that it was for Natsuki?
Hadn’t I just been resetting because I wanted the three of us to stay together?
Ah, exactly.
It was my fault.
This was all my fault!
I had reset the world―G.o.d knows how many times―all for the sake of my own ego, and hadn’t even managed to save Natsuki, let alone anyone else. In the end, I had, in the name of perfection, done nothing but continuously cast ripples in the fabric of time. In truth, it was the world that was already perfect, and my actions were nothing but radio static, weren’t they? Were my resets throwing the world off balance?
Maybe that would explain why Natsuki was going through so much.
Maybe my resets were the direct cause of her pain.
If only I hadn’t reset so much.
If only I had never pressed the reset b.u.t.ton―
But there was no going back.
There was no knowing if I might just vanish off the face of the earth if I tried to go back.
After all, I was nothing but noise, upsetting the balance of the world.
If I didn’t exist, the world would be so much better.
If I didn’t exist.
……
If I vanished, the reset b.u.t.ton would vanish along with me, and the world would surely become perfect and tidy, with not a single blemish.
It was I who was ruining the world.
…..
…..
Well, I guess there was my answer.
I’ve figured it all out after all.
That was all there was to it, wasn’t it.
Even if I were all perfection and tidiness, there was nothing I could do.
I wobbled to my feet, dragging my feet one way, then another. I headed off in no direction in particular.
I got the impression that someone had tried to rope me in for a sales offer.
I got the impression that I had bought something at a vending machine.
I got the impression that I had eaten a beef bowl.
I got the impression that I had entered a manga cafe.
Maybe there was no such thing as reality. Only impressions.
But even so, even if that were true, I still didn’t know what I was supposed to do to kill all this time.
Morning came. I was at the station. At the concourse where I had confessed to Natsuki.
I was an idiot. A huge idiot.
Maybe if someone had told me sooner, things woud have turned out a little differently.
“You are different from your brother. You’ll never become perfect.” Ah, if only someone out there had scolded me with those words. Maybe then I wouldn’t have chased after his shadow incessantly like a complete fool…
If only someone had told me that my life would never be perfect.
I tried to move into the station itself, but my steps faltered, and I b.u.mped my way through the turnstile. Neither my hands nor my legs would move the way I wanted them to.
Figuring that I wouldn’t be able to make it down the stairs without falling, I rode the escalator down to the platform.
The first train of the day was scheduled to leave soon. There were people around, only a few, scattered here and there.
I’m sorry, everyone.
I’m so sorry, everyone.
I’m sorry for tainting this world.
For making it imperfect.
Please let Natsuki be happy, in a world without me.
I stood at the edge of the platform.
I glanced down in the direction of the reset b.u.t.ton, nestled in my bag.
It was true that the b.u.t.ton had been a great help to me, but that was no longer the point.
If I kept using the b.u.t.ton, I would eventually lose all my memories, crippling my mind. If that was how things were going to end, then might as well end it all right here instead.
After all, wasn’t that really what it meant to “reset one’s life”?
It didn’t mean to go back so I could fix my own life and everyone else’s.
I wasn’t one to believe in reincarnation or the circle of transmigration or any of that. That just meant that I wouldn’t just disappear, I’d go to the instant right before my birth. As a human child, with any luck.
The afterlife? I didn’t think there was such a thing, either. The world, as it was, after my life was over, and the world that had existed before I had entered it―both were worlds that didn’t hold a trace of my own existence. They were the same, in that respect.
Five AM. The first train was coming.
The sound of a horn, blaring.
As the train rushed in, I calmly tipped my body forward, letting myself fall right onto the tracks.
I watched the platform slip by me in slow motion, and slowly closed my eyes.
–