Chapter 2: Even On the 3000th Confession
Part 2
I hadn"t heard that voice in a long time. As the face that it belonged to popped into view, the world changed once again into monochrome, and Maki-chan appeared on the seat across from me.
"Hmm, isn"t this kind of too many wishes?"
Maki-chan propped her chin onto her hands, peering at me with an exasperated look in her eyes.
"Did you see all that?"
"The whole thing."
Dejected, I continued shoving Suzuki fish into my face. Since the taste was strong, I shoved some rice in along with it.
"Fhy hanchu jhus rheefbe awwon?"
"Huh?"
My words couldn"t make it out of my mouth, what with how stuffed with food it was. I swallowed it down with the help of some water and spoke.
"I said, why can"t you just leave me alone?"
"Now now, I came all the way here because I was worried about you. No need to be so cold about it."
Maki-chan pursed her lips in displeasure, then reached over and plucked a french fry from my plate, eating it with only her front teeth.
"Hey, don"t take my food without asking."
"Calm down, it"s just a fry or two."
"I thought I could get a perfect life with just a reset or two, y"know. And no matter how many times I did it, certain things just remained impossible. With this I"ll never have my perfect life. You gotta lend me a hand here."
"Just because your life is reset doesn"t necessarily mean that others" hearts are reset."
"Yeah, I know. Well, I realized that... But isn"t it possible that within the infinite possibilities, there"s at least one chance of success? Can"t you give me a hint to, you know, find the correct choice to make?"
Uh-uh, murmured Maki-chan, as she folded her arms. Of course, she still took a fry. Defeated, I pushed the fries plate towards her.
"The possibilities are infinite, yes, but the chances you get are limited."
Maki-chan looked as if she were struggling over choosing between talking to me and eating fries. She munched on them, deep in thought, occasionally nodding her head to show how delicious they were. It p.i.s.sed me off.
"Yuuto, I think you ought to think a little more before making your decisions."
"The h.e.l.l, are you saying that I don"t think before making them?"
"Well, kinda. Anyway, can"t be helped. You made a wish as strong as that time you s.h.i.t yourself and wanted to start all over, so..."
"Stop talking about that! Not to mention, I"m eating here!"
It was kind of annoying that Maki-chan had to be the one person in the universe who knew about my s.h.i.tting my pants.
"Yuuto, I told you this once before, but you know, resetting your life is essentially nothing more than switching out your memories. Don"t forget that."
"And when I asked about what happened to my memories, you told me that nothing about them would change, that I wouldn"t forget."
"It"s not like I know exactly what"s going to happen to you. If you just use that thing w.i.l.l.y-nilly, it might run out just when you need it, you know?"
"Hey, I"m looking towards the future here. The past exists in order to make the future perfect. So if we must sacrifice the past for the sake of the future, then so be it. I"ve been perfect up until now, and must maintain this tidiness."
Without warning, Maki-chan clasped her hands together and raised them above her head, then brought them down upon the table"s surface. The table split cleanly in two, and from the resulting crack erupted countless cards. Was this another magic show of my memories? She moved her hands around in the air, deftly puppeteering the cards, fanning them out in midair. She singled out one of the cards, moving it into the path of a stream of light coming from the window.
"Do you remember this?"
It depicted me from my elementary school days.
There I was, on the verge of tears, because I couldn"t finish the carrots in my school lunch. I guess I had to finish my lunch before going to play. Then, elementary school Natsuki came by and ate my carrots for me, and we played together in the school yard for the rest of lunch break with some other cla.s.smates. We looked so happy.
"You remember?"
"Whether I remember or not, this is weird. This never could have happened. I was never bad at eating carrots. I ate them like any normal kid. I"d never leave them in my school lunch. I mean, sure, back then it took me a long time to eat lunch. But I ate everything like I was supposed to and then went and played with everyone."
Maki-chan gave a defeated sigh, and gathered up all of the cards, a.s.sembling them neatly into a deck and setting it on the table.
"These are the memories you have lost."
She turned the cards around, making the thickness of the stack apparent. "It"s already this many, you know? You"ve already lost this many memories."
Forgotten? Impossible.
She held the stack between her thumb and forefinger. It was easily as thick as five regular 52-card decks combined.
"What do you mean, forgot? I haven"t changed at all, right?"
I tried to remember if I had forgotten anything. If I really had been bad at eating carrots when I was little, and had been helped by Natsuki, if all that had really and truly happened, I ought to at least have a sliver of memory of that.
But no matter how hard I wracked my brains, not even the smallest fragment of recollection came to mind.
I s.n.a.t.c.hed the cards from Maki-chan"s hand and held them up, one by one, to the light. Yes, the person in the cards was certainly myself, but it was as if I were looking at a totally different person; a Yuuto I never knew doing things I never did. There wasn"t a single card that rang a bell.
Maybe, while I had been aiming straight for perfection, and going on about how the future was important, I had done some things with consequences that could not be undone―
"You"re not exactly wrong about that. However, the choices you make are just as important as the memories you"ve lost. When the time comes for you to make a truly important decision, take care not to take a path you"ll regret."
Maki-chan lectured me while eating another fry. At some point, she had added parsley to the fries, making them a little more charming. She put her hands together and prayed,
"Thank you for the food..."
Was it appropriate for her to be so reverent in a place like this?
"What you wished for was to "do it over," and I merely granted that wish. The b.u.t.ton is the tool you use to that end, but the one that decides whether your resets allow you to move on or stay stuck in a rut forever is you, Yuuto."
Maki-chan took her cards back from me and shuffled them in a magnificent show of dexterity, then clapped her hands together once. The stack of cards vanished into thin air.
"Yuuto, do you really wish for it?"
"Yes, I do."
"Really? Then, will you move on, or stay stuck?"
Is the axe you dropped a golden axe, or a silver one? Or was it...?
I had to make a choice. To move on or to stay. I had to decide what I would wish, what I would give up on, what I wanted to receive, what I would cast aside.
"Maki-chan, you..."
"Hey, look outside. A brand new choice has opened up for you."
Hearing this, I turned my head to the monochrome world outside.Just as I let my gaze take in the world, it returned back to its old colorful self. I turned back around quickly, but Maki-chan had already vanished.
What did she mean by “choice”? While I mulled it over, I took another peek at the outside world. There was nothing strange about it…no, wait, this was weird. The station shutters were closed.
The newly-renovated Hachiougi Station’s concourse area was also meant to serve as an evacuation site in case of emergency. People would evacuate to the site, and the shutters on the north and south gates would close.
I saw people huddled behind the shutters. A fire, perhaps? No, there was no smoke anywhere.
Seconds later, a fire truck and police car drove up and parked in front of the station, sirens shrieking. However, the shutters showed no sign of opening, and the firemen showed no intention of entering the station.
I stopped an employee of the restaurant as he walked by my table and asked him what was going on, but he, too, was completely out of the loop.
No doubt, something had happened, but what? I couldn’t figure it out.
My phone buzzed, notifiying me of a new text. It was the girl who had just left me…well, we weren’t even dating, so you could hardly call that “leaving”…okay, that’s not the type of “left” I meant in the first place―it was Natsuki.
Subject: looks like we’re trapped in here
The shutters suddenly closed, and everyone’s stuck in the concourse. Are you outside?
I thought it’d be faster to talk to her directly, so I dialed her number, but the call wouldn’t connect. I had no choice but to reply by text.
“I’m outside. It’s a real commotion out here. The police are here but they dont seem to be able to get inside.”
Natsuki may have just rejected me, but she was still important to me. I might be able to help somehow, I thought, and headed towards the station.
I paid my bill, and the second I was out the door, I was engulfed by the mob of people. I slowly weaved my way through the crowd towards the station, only to be stopped by the police.
“My friend’s in there.”
“The police and firemen are currently doing their best to control the situation. Please step back.”
Meekly stepping back when told to by the police made me frustrated, but I pulled out from the crowd.
There had to be some other way to get to Natsuki.
There was a high wall between me and the concourse, and I didn’t think I’d be able to make it over. In order to make it inside the station, I’d have to walk along the old train tracks that led inside.
That, of course, was absurd.
An announcement blared over the crowd, “Due to a problem that has occurred at Hachiougi Station, we are postponing all traffic activity.”
“This is my only chance!”
Some biting feeling in the back of my mind spurred me to gather my energy and shout that out. Somehow, I had to get inside that concourse. Aware of the impossibility of the task before me, I walked towards the railroad crossing.
Natsuki was special to me.
It was back in fourth grade. When I wasn’t yet bullied by my cla.s.smates, when the divide between the girls and boys wasn’t quite so strong. I was playing with Natsuki and bunch of our friends after school.
That was the day that we met “that boy”.
All of us had been engrossed in playing hide-and-seek until the bell** signaled for us to go home. The other kids left, one by one, until it was just Natsuki and me.
“Let’s go home with the crows.”
Natsuki hummed that part of the song.
Down on the sports field was the baseball team, still practicing. They were under adult supervision, so we couldn’t just go down there and talk to them. As for the poeple left in the schoolyard, other than Natsuki and me, there were only a little boy playing by himself and and old man who was for some reason sitting on the swings.
The atmosphere was getting kind of awkward with only us around, so I nudged Natsuki to get going home. That was when the old man on the swings beckoned towards me. He seemed suspicious yet kind of caring, and was dressed like a father on his day off―maybe like a teacher, you could say―and so Natsuki and I were drawn towards him.
“Could you play with that child, please,” he said, and pointed to the little boy. He then drew two bars of chocolate from his briefcase.
“I’m his dad, but I don’t know how to play with him.”
We accepted the chocolate without a single shred of suspicion, and approached the boy.
“What grade are you in?”
“Second. What do you want?”
he answered, as he picked up the stones in the schoolyard, examined them, and piled them up. We learned that his name was Takeru.
Natsuki squatted down next to him.
“Takeru-kun, what are you doing?”
“Researching.”
“Oh, I see.”
We had been told to play with him, but all that happened was that Takeru continued playing by himself, Natsuki talked to him, and I loitered around aimlessly. I didn’t notice when, but at some point the old man got up and left.
Eventually, a teacher came around and told us to go home. We responded with an “Okaay~” in a goody-two-shoes kind of tone. It was getting dark, and I was already itching to go home for real.
“But what do we do with Takeru-kun? Where did his dad go?”
“He went home. Anyway, if we don’t go home both of our parents will get mad.”
“We can’t just leave him here.”
As we discussed his fate, Takeru completely ignored us.
“Did you play with Takeru?”
Some old man I had never seen came up to us. He was of roughly the same statue as the other one, but even in the fading light I could tell that this was not Takeru’s father.
“Who are you?”
“I came to get Takeru. Let’s go.”
“No!”
Takeru retorted while piling up stones. “Do you know him?” we asked. “My uncle,” he answered.
“Let’s go home, Takeru.”
“Don’t wanna.”
He’s trying to kidnap him, I thought immediately.
“Takeru, run!”
I took hold of Takeru’s arm and fled.
I yelled to Natsuki, “Look for his dad!”
Of course, the old man chased after Takeru and me. Since he was an adult, he was much faster, but we knew the schoolyard like the backs of our hands. Using all of the back alleys and hidden paths, we evaded him.
But we had our limits. Near the west entrance, the old man seized my arm.
“Takeru, come here.”
“Don’t do it! Run away!”
The old man shoved me aside, and grabbed onto Takeru. He was getting away with him!
It was then that Natsuki came flying in with a “Hiya!!” and tackled the old man. Behind her was Takeru’s father.
As I lay there on the ground, Natsuki offered her hand, asking if I was alright.
Wow, I thought. Natsuki was like a messiah to me. She may have panicked in a tough situation, but she had the courage to deliver a full-body attack to a grown man.
Natsuki was amazing!
She would surely become a perfect person one day.
Back then, I had already started yearning for my brother’s qualities of “perfection” and “tidiness”. I thought, I should strive to be like her, too.
She was the same kind of person as me.
She was facing the same kind of future as I was.
From that day on, Sugita Natsuki was, to me, a very special person indeed.
I was so unbearably worried about Natsuki, I ran at full speed to the railroad crossing, but when I got there, there was no one else. They had all probably gone to the station to spectate. Once I was at the crossing, following the tracks was an easy matter; getting onto the platform would be another story.
Because of all of the commotion, the trains were stopped.
I walked along the ditch that ran parallel to the tracks for a while, and spotted up some pa.s.sengers on the platform up ahead. Someone called out to me,
“Did you get here from the tracks?”
Everyone turned towards me.
“From the railroad crossing, actually. I was trying to see if I could get into the concourse this way…”
Hands reached down from the platform and helped me up.
“There’s no way to get in from here.”
Wondering why, I went down the stairs to investigate, and understood immediately. The junction between the concourse and the stairs was blocked by the shutters. The b.u.t.ton to open the shutters on my side didn’t work when I tried pressing it.
The concourse was well and truly sealed off.
I looked around for a way to open the shutter. It seemed that rather than trying to open the giant shutter on the North-South entrances, the 2-meter-wide shutter by the stairs would be easier.
However, the things on the platform, like chairs and trash cans, were all affixed st.u.r.dily to the ground, and there was nothing with which I could get up and open the shutter.
Boom.
A huge crash shook the building.
Reflexively, I ducked down and covered my head.
The shutter started rattling. I heard the sound of metal crashing against metal.
That was an explosion inside!
Boom. Boom.
As the explosions resounded, the fire alert system started going mad. The explosion must have caused a fire. The people on the platform jumped down onto the tracks and started heading towards the railroad crossing.
This was getting more dangerous by the second.
There wasn’t much time left.
I was worried about Natsuki.
I felt the shutter with my hand to make sure it wasn’t hot, then pressed my ear to it. I could hear faint screams behind the iron shutter. The sound of running. Were they trying to escape? My ears were met with the sound of another explosion.
“Natsuki!”
I took a few steps back. Lowering my head, I went into a run, and tackled the shutter with everything I had. It clanged noisily, but that was all. Smoke was trickling out from the bottom of the shutter. There was definitely something terrible going on in there.
Once again, I drew back, and threw myself against the shutter. Again, my fruitless efforts drew forth nothing but noise.
I bent down near where the smoke was coming out, and was choked back by the smoke, tears stinging at my eyes.
Natsuki…
Ah, yes. Reset, I just have to reset…
However, I’d learned from my experience thus far that just resetting recklessly without figuring out how to fix the train situation would just result in the same ending. There was no point in resetting now if I didn’t take the time to figure out when exactly I should return to and what to do there.
I was about to give up when I heard a click.
Eh? I thought, and looked up. The shutter was slowly sliding up. Smoke billowed out from from the opening. I crawled, coughing, up the stairs.
The entrance at the ticket gates was thick with smoke, but I could tell that it was clearing out steadily. The main shutter at the concourse was open as well.
The firefighting team poured in from the main shutter.
“Natsuki! Natsuki! Where are you?” I yelled.
The inside of the station was in a sorry state. There were signs of explosion scattered around the area, and the showcase window of the station stores were shattered in some places. I could see signs that someone had used a fire extinguisher. I was relieved to see that the fires had all been put out.
All of the people were heading towards the exit.
I maneuvered my way through the river of people, looking for Natsuki.
“Yuuto!”
I felt a hand on my arm and glanced over my shoulder. It was Natsuki. She was talking to me like she always had! Yes, even in this kind of situation I was still pretty worried that the failed confession had ruined our friendship.
“Natsuki, you’re not hurt, are you?”
Natsuki’s uniform was all white on the right side, but otherwise, she seemed unharmed.
“I’m fine! Oh, that’s from when I was trying to use the fire extinguisher. I wasn’t sure how to use it at first, so I ended up getting it all over myself. It’s got a pretty powerful blast.”
“Why did you end up with the fire extinguisher?”
“There was an explosion near me, and a fire broke out. I was surrounded by little kids, so…”
“That’s really risky.”
“Well…a superhero would rescue the kids.”
“Yes, that’s true. That really is something you would say.”
The superhero-loving Natsuki would definitely do whatever a hero would do in her place.
“Don’t tell anyone about this, okay?”
She stuck her tongue out at me.
I wouldn’t really have minded, but I guess she didn’t want others to know she was such a superhero otaku.
There were some things that didn’t quite make sense, and as time went on, the more they bothred me. Had the shutter just happened to close, or was it all planned out by someone? And if it were just an accident, then how did it get closed shut in the first place? The news had mentioned that problem, too.
That night, I sent a message to Natsuki.
“Everyone’s been talking about the incident, huh.”
“Yeah. If I tell my friends that I was there, they’ll pester me to tell them the details.”
Hooray, Natsuki was speaking to me as she usually did.
I had realized after 3000 confessions that I was, romantically speaking, not her type after all. Regardless, I still wanted her to know that I liked her.
That’s why I chose not to reset to before the confession.
It’s fine to just get rejected and continue on with our high school lives, isn’t it?
Those were my thoughts.
“Well, I’m glad you weren’t hurt.”
“Thanks.”
That ‘thanks’ could mean a thousand different things.
I was fine with that, I told myself, as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
One more thing I want to say about this day.
I had told my brother everything about that day’s events. The fact that though my confession had been a fiailure, I was still friends with Natsuki. And everything that happened at the station.
“So you weren’t physically at the scene, right, Yuuto?”
“By the time I managed to get inside, it was all over.”
“I see… I’m glad that you two weren’t hurt.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Even though my brother was so far away, he was still watching over me as I aimed for perfection and tidiness.
I chased after my brother. Even though he was far away, though I couldn’t see him. He continued to be my perfect and tidy goal.
I should try to get into the college that he’s attending.
I decided then and there that I would go to Karima High.
Today is our wonderful graduation ♪
I made up a little jingle on the spot.
The three of us were finally leaving the nest, so to speak.
Shuu was unexpectedly popular among the younger students, so a bunch of girls came clamoring up to him asking for his b.u.t.ton**, but he refused them all.
For memories’ sake, I had prepared my b.u.t.ton and put it in my pocket, but no one asked me for it.
So was that how it was? ―I felt a twinge of regret. But not enough regret to reset.
“Yuuto, let’s take a photo!”
Natsuki called out to me. Just for today they let everyone have their cellphones out**, since people would want to commemorate with pictures.
Natsuki, Shuu, and I stood together and had our pictures taken together, with each of our cellphones. It would have been fine to take one photo and send it to the others, but that was too much of a ha.s.sle.
I wouldn’t mind living this moment over countless times.
The photo inside my phone had the most joyful expressions I had ever seen the three of us wear.
We were going to the same high school.
A wonderful high school life was surely awaiting us. I felt my expectations growing.
I had no doubts that I would have a brilliant time in high school.
—
Notes:
** This refers to the song Yuuyake Koyake (aka Kaien Panzermast), which is played at 5 PM in some cities in j.a.pan to tell the children that it is time to go home. One of the lines is “Let’s go home with the crows”.
**There is a tradition for a graduating male to give his second-from-the-top b.u.t.ton on their uniform to the girl he likes (since it’s the b.u.t.ton closest to the heart)
**In j.a.pan, the rules against merely having phones, iPods, cameras etc. at school are very very very strict and they will usually be confiscated. So letting kids use their phones is a big deal.