One day, just before I ate midday dinner, after my morning"s writing was done, when I had no guest, I took a c.o.c.ktail by myself. Thereafter, when there were no guests, I took this daily pre-dinner c.o.c.ktail. And right there John Barleycorn had me. I was beginning to drink regularly. I was beginning to drink alone. And I was beginning to drink, not for hospitality"s sake, not for the sake of the taste, but for the effect of the drink.
I WANTED that daily pre-dinner c.o.c.ktail. And it never crossed my mind that there was any reason I should not have it. I paid for it. I could pay for a thousand c.o.c.ktails each day if I wanted. And what was a c.o.c.ktail--one c.o.c.ktail--to me who on so many occasions for so many years had drunk inordinate quant.i.ties of stiffer stuff and been unharmed?
The programme of my ranch life was as follows: Each morning, at eight-thirty, having been reading or correcting proofs in bed since four or five, I went to my desk. Odds and ends of correspondence and notes occupied me till nine, and at nine sharp, invariably, I began my writing.
By eleven, sometimes a few minutes earlier or later, my thousand words were finished. Another half-hour at cleaning up my desk, and my day"s work was done, so that at eleven-thirty I got into a hammock under the trees with my mail-bag and the morning newspaper. At twelve-thirty I ate dinner and in the afternoon I swam and rode.
One morning, at eleven-thirty, before I got into the hammock, I took a c.o.c.ktail. I repeated this on subsequent mornings, of course, taking another c.o.c.ktail just before I ate at twelve-thirty. Soon I found myself, seated at my desk in the midst of my thousand words, looking forward to that eleven-thirty c.o.c.ktail.
At last, now, I was thoroughly conscious that I desired alcohol. But what of it? I wasn"t afraid of John Barleycorn. I had a.s.sociated with him too long. I was wise in the matter of drink. I was discreet. Never again would I drink to excess. I knew the dangers and the pitfalls of John Barleycorn, the various ways by which he had tried to kill me in the past. But all that was past, long past. Never again would I drink myself to stupefaction. Never again would I get drunk. All I wanted, and all I would take, was just enough to glow and warm me, to kick geniality alive in me and put laughter in my throat and stir the maggots of imagination slightly in my brain. Oh, I was thoroughly master of myself, and of John Barleycorn.
CHAPTER x.x.xI
But the same stimulus to the human organism will not continue to produce the same response. By and by I discovered there was no kick at all in one c.o.c.ktail. One c.o.c.ktail left me dead. There was no glow, no laughter tickle. Two or three c.o.c.ktails were required to produce the original effect of one. And I wanted that effect. I drank my first c.o.c.ktail at eleven-thirty when I took the morning"s mail into the hammock, and I drank my second c.o.c.ktail an hour later just before I ate. I got into the habit of crawling out of the hammock ten minutes earlier so as to find time and decency for two more c.o.c.ktails ere I ate. This became schedule--three c.o.c.ktails in the hour that intervened between my desk and dinner. And these are two of the deadliest drinking habits: regular drinking and solitary drinking.
I was always willing to drink when any one was around. I drank by myself when no one was around. Then I made another step. When I had for guest a man of limited drinking calibre, I took two drinks to his one--one drink with him, the other drink without him and of which he did not know.
I STOLE that other drink, and, worse than that, I began the habit of drinking alone when there was a guest, a man, a comrade, with whom I could have drunk. But John Barleycorn furnished the extenuation. It was a wrong thing to trip a guest up with excess of hospitality and get him drunk. If I persuaded him, with his limited calibre, into drinking up with me, I"d surely get him drunk. What could I do but steal that every second drink, or else deny myself the kick equivalent to what he got out of half the number?
Please remember, as I recite this development of my drinking, that I am no fool, no weakling. As the world measures such things, I am a success--I dare to say a success more conspicuous than the success of the average successful man, and a success that required a pretty fair amount of brains and will power. My body is a strong body. It has survived where weaklings died like flies. And yet these things which I am relating happened to my body and to me. I am a fact. My drinking is a fact. My drinking is a thing that has happened, and is no theory nor speculation; and, as I see it, it but lays the emphasis on the power of John Barleycorn--a savagery that we still permit to exist, a deadly inst.i.tution that lingers from the mad old brutal days and that takes its heavy toll of youth and strength, and high spirit, and of very much of all of the best we breed.
To return. After a boisterous afternoon in the swimming pool, followed by a glorious ride on horseback over the mountains or up or down the Valley of the Moon, I found myself so keyed and splendid that I desired to be more highly keyed, to feel more splendid. I knew the way. A c.o.c.ktail before supper was not the way. Two or three, at the very least, was what was needed. I took them. Why not? It was living. I had always dearly loved to live. This also became part of the daily schedule.
Then, too, I was perpetually finding excuses for extra c.o.c.ktails. It might be the a.s.sembling of a particularly jolly crowd; a touch of anger against my architect or against a thieving stone-mason working on my barn; the death of my favourite horse in a barbed wire fence; or news of good fortune in the morning mail from my dealings with editors and publishers. It was immaterial what the excuse might be, once the desire had germinated in me. The thing was: I WANTED alcohol. At last, after a score and more of years of dallying and of not wanting, now I wanted it.
And my strength was my weakness. I required two, three, or four drinks to get an effect commensurate with the effect the average man got out of one drink.
One rule I observed. I never took a drink until my day"s work of writing a thousand words was done. And, when done, the c.o.c.ktails reared a wall of inhibition in my brain between the day"s work done and the rest of the day of fun to come. My work ceased from my consciousness. No thought of it flickered in my brain till next morning at nine o"clock when I sat at my desk and began my next thousand words. This was a desirable condition of mind to achieve. I conserved my energy by means of this alcoholic inhibition. John Barleycorn was not so black as he was painted. He did a fellow many a good turn, and this was one of them.
And I turned out work that was healthful, and wholesome, and sincere. It was never pessimistic. The way to life I had learned in my long sickness. I knew the illusions were right, and I exalted the illusions.
Oh, I still turn out the same sort of work, stuff that is clean, alive, optimistic, and that makes toward life. And I am always a.s.sured by the critics of my super-abundant and abounding vitality, and of how thoroughly I am deluded by these very illusions I exploit.
And while on this digression, let me repeat the question I have repeated to myself ten thousand times. WHY DID I DRINK? What need was there for it? I was happy. Was it because I was too happy? I was strong. Was it because I was too strong? Did I possess too much vitality? I don"t know why I drank. I cannot answer, though I can voice the suspicion that ever grows in me. I had been in too-familiar contact with John Barleycorn through too many years. A left-handed man, by long practice, can become a right-handed man. Had I, a non-alcoholic, by long practice become an alcoholic?
I was so happy. I had won through my long sickness to the satisfying love of woman. I earned more money with less endeavour. I glowed with health. I slept like a babe. I continued to write successful books, and in sociological controversy I saw my opponents confuted with the facts of the times that daily reared new b.u.t.tresses to my intellectual position.
From day"s end to day"s end I never knew sorrow, disappointment, nor regret. I was happy all the time. Life was one unending song. I begrudged the very hours of blessed sleep because by that much was I robbed of the joy that would have been mine had I remained awake. And yet I drank. And John Barleycorn, all unguessed by me, was setting the stage for a sickness all his own.
The more I drank the more I was required to drink to get an equivalent effect. When I left the Valley of the Moon, and went to the city, and dined out, a c.o.c.ktail served at table was a wan and worthless thing.
There was no pre-dinner kick in it. On my way to dinner I was compelled to acc.u.mulate the kick--two c.o.c.ktails, three, and, if I met some fellows, four or five, or six, it didn"t matter within several. Once, I was in a rush. I had no time decently to acc.u.mulate the several drinks. A brilliant idea came to me. I told the barkeeper to mix me a double c.o.c.ktail. Thereafter, whenever I was in a hurry, I ordered double c.o.c.ktails. It saved time.
One result of this regular heavy drinking was to jade me. My mind grew so accustomed to spring and liven by artificial means that without artificial means it refused to spring and liven. Alcohol became more and more imperative in order to meet people, in order to become sociably fit.
I had to get the kick and the hit of the stuff, the crawl of the maggots, the genial brain glow, the laughter tickle, the touch of devilishness and sting, the smile over the face of things, ere I could join my fellows and make one with them.
Another result was that John Barleycorn was beginning to trip me up. He was thrusting my long sickness back upon me, inveigling me into again pursuing Truth and s.n.a.t.c.hing her veils away from her, tricking me into looking reality stark in the face. But this came on gradually. My thoughts were growing harsh again, though they grew harsh slowly.
Sometimes warning thoughts crossed my mind. Where was this steady drinking leading? But trust John Barleycorn to silence such questions.
"Come on and have a drink and I"ll tell you all about it," is his way.
And it works. For instance, the following is a case in point, and one which John Barleycorn never wearied of reminding me:
I had suffered an accident which required a ticklish operation. One morning, a week after I had come off the table, I lay on my hospital bed, weak and weary. The sunburn of my face, what little of it could be seen through a scraggly growth of beard, had faded to a sickly yellow. My doctor stood at my bedside on the verge of departure. He glared disapprovingly at the cigarette I was smoking.
"That"s what you ought to quit," he lectured. "It will get you in the end. Look at me."
I looked. He was about my own age, broad-shouldered, deep-chested, eyes sparkling, and ruddy-cheeked with health. A finer specimen of manhood one would not ask.
"I used to smoke," he went on. "Cigars. But I gave even them up. And look at me."
The man was arrogant, and rightly arrogant, with conscious well-being.
And within a month he was dead. It was no accident. Half a dozen different bugs of long scientific names had attacked and destroyed him.
The complications were astonishing and painful, and for days before he died the screams of agony of that splendid manhood could be heard for a block around. He died screaming.
"You see," said John Barleycorn. "He took care of himself. He even stopped smoking cigars. And that"s what he got for it. Pretty rotten, eh? But the bugs will jump. There"s no forefending them. Your magnificent doctor took every precaution, yet they got him. When the bug jumps you can"t tell where it will land. It may be you. Look what he missed. Will you miss all I can give you, only to have a bug jump on you and drag you down? There is no equity in life. It"s all a lottery. But I put the lying smile on the face of life and laugh at the facts. Smile with me and laugh. You"ll get yours in the end, but in the meantime laugh. It"s a pretty dark world. I illuminate it for you. It"s a rotten world, when things can happen such as happened to your doctor.
There"s only one thing to do: take another drink and forget it."
And, of course, I took another drink for the inhibition that accompanied it. I took another drink every time John Barleycorn reminded me of what had happened. Yet I drank rationally, intelligently. I saw to it that the quality of the stuff was of the best. I sought the kick and the inhibition, and avoided the penalties of poor quality and of drunkenness.
It is to be remarked, in pa.s.sing, that when a man begins to drink rationally and intelligently that he betrays a grave symptom of how far along the road he has travelled.
But I continued to observe my rule of never taking my first drink of the day until the last word of my thousand words was written. On occasion, however, I took a day"s vacation from my writing. At such times, since it was no violation of my rule, I didn"t mind how early in the day I took that first drink. And persons who have never been through the drinking game wonder how the drinking habit grows!
CHAPTER x.x.xII
When the Snark sailed on her long cruise from San Francisco there was nothing to drink on board. Or, rather, we were all of us unaware that there was anything to drink, nor did we discover it for many a month.
This sailing with a "dry" boat was malice aforethought on my part. I had played John Barleycorn a trick. And it showed that I was listening ever so slightly to the faint warnings that were beginning to arise in my consciousness.
Of course, I veiled the situation to myself and excused myself to John Barleycorn. And I was very scientific about it. I said that I would drink only while in ports. During the dry sea-stretches my system would be cleansed of the alcohol that soaked it, so that when I reached a port I should be in shape to enjoy John Barleycorn more thoroughly. His bite would be sharper, his kick keener and more delicious.
We were twenty-seven days on the traverse between San Francisco and Honolulu. After the first day out, the thought of a drink never troubled me. This I take to show how intrinsically I am not an alcoholic.
Sometimes, during the traverse, looking ahead and antic.i.p.ating the delightful lanai luncheons and dinners of Hawaii (I had been there a couple of times before), I thought, naturally, of the drinks that would precede those meals. I did not think of those drinks with any yearning, with any irk at the length of the voyage. I merely thought they would be nice and jolly, part of the atmosphere of a proper meal.
Thus, once again I proved to my complete satisfaction that I was John Barleycorn"s master. I could drink when I wanted, refrain when I wanted.
Therefore I would continue to drink when I wanted.
Some five months were spent in the various islands of the Hawaiian group.
Being ash.o.r.e, I drank. I even drank a bit more than I had been accustomed to drink in California prior to the voyage. The people in Hawaii seemed to drink a bit more, on the average, than the people in more temperate lat.i.tudes. I do not intend the pun, and can awkwardly revise the statement to "lat.i.tudes more remote from the equator." Yet Hawaii is only sub-tropical. The deeper I got into the tropics, the deeper I found men drank, the deeper I drank myself.
From Hawaii we sailed for the Marquesas. The traverse occupied sixty days. For sixty days we never raised land, a sail, nor a steamer smoke.
But early in those sixty days the cook, giving an overhauling to the galley, made a find. Down in the bottom of a deep locker he found a dozen bottles of angelica and muscatel. These had come down from the kitchen cellar of the ranch along with the home-preserved fruits and jellies. Six months in the galley heat had effected some sort of a change in the thick sweet wine--branded it, I imagine.
I took a taste. Delicious! And thereafter, once each day, at twelve o"clock, after our observations were worked up and the Snark"s position charted, I drank half a tumbler of the stuff. It had a rare kick to it.
It warmed the c.o.c.kles of my geniality and put a fairer face on the truly fair face of the sea. Each morning, below, sweating out my thousand words, I found myself looking forward to that twelve o"clock event of the day.
The trouble was I had to share the stuff, and the length of the traverse was doubtful. I regretted that there were not more than a dozen bottles.
And when they were gone I even regretted that I had shared any of it. I was thirsty for the alcohol, and eager to arrive in the Marquesas.