It was one of those deliciously cold evenings in early autumn. All day long the sparkling sunshine-scented air had held an exhilaration like wine, but now night had folded a thin mist across the hills, though the clear darkness of the upper sky was filled with the keen white light of innumerable stars.
A fire in the open grate in John Ward"s study was pure luxury, for the room did not really need the warmth. It was of that soft coal which people in the Middle States burn in happy indifference to its dust-making qualities, because of its charm of sudden-puffing flames, which burst from the bubbling blackness with a singing noise, like the explosion of an oak-gall stepped on unawares in the woods.
It had been a busy day for John, ending with the weekly prayer-meeting; and to sit now in front of the glowing fire, with Helen beside him, was a well-earned rest.
In the afternoon he had taken a dozen of the village children to find a swamp whose borders were fringed with gentians, which seemed to have caught the color of the wind-swept October skies. He would not let Helen go. "The walk would tire you," he said; but he himself seemed to know no weariness, though most of the time he carried one of the children, and was continually lifting them over rough places, and picking their flowers and ferns for them.
Helen had seen them start, and watched them as they tramped over the short, crisp gra.s.s of an upland pasture, and she could just distinguish the words of a hymn they sung, John"s deep, sweet tenor leading their quavering treble:--
"His loving kindness, loving kindness, His loving kindness, oh, how free!"
After they had gathered gentians to their hearts" content, they crowded about John and begged for a story, for that was always the crowning bliss of an afternoon with the preacher. But, though prefaced with the remark that they must remember it was only a story and not at all true, their enjoyment of gnomes and fairies, of wondrous palaces built of shining white clouds, with stars for lamps, was never lessened. True, there was generally a moral, but in his great desire to make it attractive John often concealed it, and was never quite sure that his stories did the good he intended. But they did good in another way; the children loved him, as most of them loved nothing else in their meagre, hungry little lives. And he loved them; they stirred the depths of tenderness in him.
What did the future hold for them? Misery, perhaps, and surely sin, for what hope was there of purity and holiness in such homes as theirs? And the horror of that further future, the sure eternity which follows sin, cast a dreary shadow over them, and lent a suppressed pa.s.sion to the fervor with which he tried to win their love, that he might lead them to righteousness.
But it was his gentleness, and a childlike simplicity which they themselves must early lose, which attracted and charmed the children, and made them happy and contented if they could but be with the preacher.
They had left him reluctantly at the parsonage gate, clamoring for another afternoon, which was gladly promised. Then John had had a quiet half hour for further thought upon his evening talk to his people, which had been prepared the day before. Helen had laughed at the amount of study given to every address. "I wish you could see how uncle Archie manages his sermons."
"He has not the sort of people I have," John said, with kindly excuse.
"Yet think of the importance of speaking to any one in Christ"s name! We preach for eternity, Helen,--for eternity."
She looked at him gravely. "John," she answered, "you take these things too much to heart. It is not wise, dear."
He hesitated, and then said gently, "These are the only things to take to heart. We only live to prepare for that other life. Can we be too earnest dear, when eternity hangs upon the use we make of time? That thought is a continual spur to make me eager for my duty to my people."
"Oh, I know it," Helen responded, laying her head upon his shoulder; "but don"t work too hard."
He put his arms about her, and the impulse which had been strong a moment before to speak to her of her own soul was forgotten.
These prayer-meetings were trials to Helen Ward. She missed the stately Liturgy of her own church. "I don"t like to hear Elder Dean give the Almighty so much miscellaneous information," she said, half laughing, yet quite in earnest. But she always went, for at least there was the pleasure of walking home with John. Beside, practice had made it possible for her to hear without heeding, and in that way she escaped a great deal of annoyance.
This especial Wednesday evening, however, she had not been able to close her ears to all that was said. She had grown restless, and looked about the narrow whitewashed room where the lecture was given, and longed for the reverence of the starlit silence outside.
John had begun the meeting by a short prayer, simple and direct as a child"s request to his father, and after a hymn he said a few words on the text he had chosen. Then the meeting was open, and to some of the things said, Helen listened with indignant disapproval. As they walked home, rejoicing in the fresh cold air and the sound of their quick footsteps on the frosty ground, she made up her mind what she meant to do, but she did not speak of it until they were by their own fireside.
The room was full of soft half-darkness; shadows leaped out of the corners, and chased the gleams of firelight; the tall clock ticked slowly in the corner, and on the hearts of these two fell that content with life and each other which is best expressed by silence.
John sat at his wife"s feet; his tired head was upon her knee, and he could look up into her restful face, while he held one of her hands across his lips. It was a good face to see: her clear brown eyes were large and full, with heavy lids which drooped a little at the outer corners, giving a look of questioning sincerity, which does not often outlast childhood. Her bronze-brown hair was knotted low on her neck, and rippled a little over a smooth white forehead.
John had begun to stroke her hand softly, holding it up to shield his eyes from the firelight, and twisting the plain band of her wedding ring about.
"What a dear hand," he said; "how strong and firm it is!"
"It is large, at least," she answered, smiling. He measured it against his own gaunt thin hand, which always had a nervous thrill in the pale fingers. "You see, they are about the same size, but mine is certainly much whiter. Just look at that ink-stain; that means you write too much.
I don"t like you to be so tired in the evenings, John."
"You rest me," he said, looking up into her face. "It is a rest even to sit here beside you. Do you know, Helen," he went on, after a moment"s pause, "if I were in any pain, I mean any physical extremity, I would have strength to bear it if I could hold your hand; it is so strong and steady."
She lifted her hand, and looked at it with amused curiosity, turning it about, "to get the best light upon it."
"I am in earnest," John said, smiling. "It is the visible expression of the strength you are to me. With your help I could endure any pain. I wonder," he went on, in a lower voice, as though thinking aloud, "if this strength of yours could inspire me to bear the worst pain there could be for me,--I mean if I had to make you suffer in any way?"
Helen looked down at him, surprised, not quite understanding.
"Suppose," he said,--"of course one can suppose anything,--that for your best good I had to make you suffer: could I, do you think?"
"I hope so," she answered gravely; "I hope I should give you strength to do it."
They fell again into their contented silence, watching the firelight, and thinking tenderly each of the other. But at last Helen roused herself from her reverie with a long, pleasant sigh of entire peace and comfort.
"John, do you know, I have reached a conclusion? I"m not going to prayer-meeting any more."
John started. "Why, Helen!" he said, a thrill of pain in his voice.
But Helen was not at all troubled. "No, dear. Feeling deeply as I do about certain things, it is worse than useless for me to go and hear Elder Dean or old Mr. Smith; they either annoy me or amuse me, and I don"t know which is worse. I have heard Mr. Smith thank the Lord that we are not among the pale and sheeted nations of the dead, ever since I came to Lockhaven. And Elder Dean"s pictures of the eternal torments of the d.a.m.ned, "souls wreathing in sulphurous flames" (those were his words to-night, John!), and then praising G.o.d for his justice (his justice!) right afterwards,--I cannot stand it, dear. I do not believe in h.e.l.l, such a h.e.l.l, and so it is absurd to go and listen to such things. But I won"t miss my walk with you," she added, "for I will come and meet you every Wednesday evening, and we"ll come home together."
John had risen as she talked, and stood leaning against the mantel, his face hidden by his hand. Her lightly spoken words had come with such a shock, the blood leaped back to his heart, and for a moment he could not speak. He had never allowed himself to realize that her indifference to doctrine was positive unbelief; had his neglect encouraged her ignorance to grow into this?
At last he said very gently, "But, dearest, I believe in h.e.l.l."
"I know it," she answered, no longer carelessly, but still smiling, "but never mind. I mean, it does not make any difference to me what you believe. I wouldn"t care if you were a Mohammedan, John, if it helped you to be good and happy. I think that different people have different religious necessities. One man is born a Roman Catholic, for instance, though his father and mother may be the sternest Protestants. He cannot help it; it is his nature! And you"--she looked up at him with infinite tenderness in her brown eyes,--"you were born a Presbyterian, dear; you can"t help it. Perhaps you need the sternness and the horror of some of the doctrines as a balance for your gentleness. I never knew any one as gentle as you, John."
He came and knelt down beside her, holding her face between his hands, and looking into her clear eyes. "Helen," he said, "I have wanted to speak to you of this; I have wanted to show you the truth. You will not say you cannot believe in h.e.l.l (in justice, Helen) when I prove"--
"Don"t prove," she interrupted him, putting her hand softly across his lips, "don"t let us argue. Oh, a theological argument seems to me sacrilege, and dogma can never be an antidote for doubt, John. I must believe what my own soul a.s.serts, or I am untrue to myself. I must begin with that truth, even if it keeps me on the outskirts of the great Truth.
Don"t you think so, dear? And I do not believe in h.e.l.l. Now that is final, John."
She smiled brightly into his troubled face, and, seeing his anxiety, hastened to save him further pain in the future. "Do not let us ever discuss these things. After all, doctrine is of so little importance, and argument never can result in conviction to either of us, for belief is a matter of temperament, and I do so dislike it. It really distresses me, John."
"But, dearest," he said, "to deliberately turn away from the search for truth is spiritual suicide."
"Oh, you misunderstand me," she replied quickly. "Of course one"s soul always seeks for truth, but to argue, to discuss details, which after all are of no possible importance, no more part of the eternal verities than a man"s--b.u.t.tons are of his character! Now, remember," with smiling severity, "never again!" She laid her head down on his shoulder. "We are so happy, John, so happy; why should we disturb the peace of life? Never mind what we think on such matters; we have each other, dear!"
He was silenced; with her clinging arm about him, and her tender eyes looking into his, he could not argue; he was the lover, not the preacher.
He kissed her between her level brows; it was easy to forget his duty!
Yet his conscience protested faintly. "If you would only let me tell you"--
"Not just now," she said, and Helen"s voice was a caress. "Do you remember how, that first time we saw each other, you talked of belief?"
It was so natural to drift into reminiscence, kneeling there in the firelight by her side, John almost forgot how the talk had begun, and neither of them gave a thought to the lateness of the hour, until they were roused by a quick step on the path, and heard the little gate pushed hurriedly open, shutting again with a bang.
"Why, that"s Gifford Woodhouse," John said, leaning forward to give the fire that inevitable poke with which the coming guest is welcomed.
"No, it can"t be Giff," Helen answered, listening; "he always whistles."
But it was Gifford. The quick-leaping flame lighted his face as he entered, and Helen saw that, instead of its usual tranquil good-nature, there was a worried look.