Chapter 11.
On Christmas morning, Bobby came thundering down the stairs to find his presents under the tree, and a few minutes later, Charlotte and his parents joined them. Jim had bought Charlotte all kinds of sports equipment that she had wanted, including an automatic ball machine, so she could practice hitting that spring. It was something he knew she longed for.
And he had bought Alice a sweater set, a new coat, and a gold bracelet. And she loved all of it. She had given him a beautiful new leather briefcase, and a suede jacket he had seen and wanted. And he loved it.
Bobby got a small mountain of toys that Johnny had helped their mother pick out for him, and he loved every one of them, and was happily putting together parts, and inserting batteries to make them work five minutes later. Their gifts were all a big success. And it was only when she was cooking breakfast for all of them, the banana waffles they ate every year on Christmas morning, that Alice felt sick again. She knew it was from excitement and the nagging worry now that Johnny would soon be going. But she tried not to think of it as she served them the breakfast they loved every year. And when she turned to look at him, she noticed that Johnny was looking tired. He had done so much work for all of them that it had exhausted him, but he seemed to be in good spirits, when he stood over her, practically drooling for her waffles.
"I sure wish I could eat them, Mom," he said, looking like a kid again, and Alice smiled at him, wishing he could too. She wished a lot of things, that he had never died, that he could stay here now, that she could hold on to him forever, but she knew she couldn"t. And it wouldn"t have been fair to him. He had to go on, to do what he was meant to. It was his destiny. But it didn"t seem fair to her that he had died, that he had been so young when he left them.
Jim and Charlotte had second helpings of the waffles, while Bobby chattered constantly, explaining his new toys to them, how they worked, and how to a.s.semble them, as his father smiled broadly.
"He"s sure making up for lost time, isn"t he?" Jim said after their children left the kitchen, except for Johnny, who was still sitting at the kitchen table, enjoying the dizzying aroma of his mother"s waffles. She hadn"t eaten any this year, she had just picked at them, but none of them had noticed. Except Johnny. "Why do you suppose he started talking again?" Jim asked, as he looked admiringly at her. Alice had never looked more beautiful to him, as he leaned over and kissed her. "What do you suppose did it?" he persisted about Bobby. For him, it was like the ultimate absolution. Bobby had paid for five years for his father"s stupidity, and now he was free of what had seemed to Jim like a curse on all of them. It was the most perfect blessing.
"I think a miracle did it," Alice said simply, and Jim didn"t disagree with her. He was just grateful it had happened.
He went to watch a football game then, and Charlotte joined him, as Alice puttered around the kitchen, and eventually Bobby went to sit with them, dragging half his toys with him.
"Are you okay, Mom?" Johnny asked her, looking worried.
"I"m fine," she said more out of habit than truth. She wasn"t feeling terrific, but she didn"t want to worry him. She knew it was her stomach again, and she hated the thought that she might be getting another ulcer. But she had no intention of saying that and ruining Christmas for him, or the others. "Honest, it"s nothing."
"I"m not as sure of that as you are," Johnny said, sounding very grown up. "You"d better go to the doctor tomorrow."
"I will if it still bothers me," she promised.
They spent a lazy afternoon, eating and watching TV, and that night, she cooked the traditional ham that she always made for them at Christmas. Her appet.i.te wasn"t great, and she was distracted as she served the dinner. But all afternoon, she had been haunted by the realization that the miracles they"d experienced and the blessings they"d shared had been too numerous. There was nothing left for Johnny to do now. Becky had her scholarship and a new boyfriend who was good to her. Pam had met a wonderful man, who loved her, and her kids, and they were getting married. Charlotte and Jim were closer than anyone could ever have dreamed of. He had stopped drinking. Bobby had started talking. And she had had nearly three months with the son she loved and who had been taken from her, with no warning, all too quickly. They had each had priceless gifts that would change the course of their lives forever. There was nothing left to do. And the more she thought of it, the more she knew that Johnny would have to leave soon. And the prospect of it made her heart ache.
"You"re leaving, aren"t you?" she asked him when they were alone in the kitchen after dinner. Everything was put away, and it had been a long, comfortable day. Even Johnny"s absence hadn"t been as painful as usual, for Jim and Charlotte. They seemed to be adjusting to it, and Johnny had explained to Bobby, right from the beginning, that he would leave again one day. He was just there for a little visit.
"Probably, Mom," Johnny said honestly. "We"ll know when it"s the right time. You will too. I told you, you"ll be ready." He sounded so certain of it, but she hadn"t liked his answer.
"Then it"s not the right time," she said, sounding younger than he did, "because I"m not ready. This is going to hurt too much," she said, as tears spilled onto her cheeks, and Johnny looked at her sadly.
"Don"t cry, Mom. I won"t be far away. You know that."
"I want you here, just like you have been."
"I know you do. So do I. We all do. But I can"t do that. They won"t let me. I have to go back." His stay for the past several months had been the ultimate gift.
"That"s mean of them," she said, as he put his arms around her. "We need you ... I need you ... and Bobby and Dad, and Charlie."
"I love you," he said simply, and for an instant, she got a glimmer of what that meant. The words seemed enormous suddenly, like the feelings that went with them. Bigger than she"d ever imagined they could be. The words were like clouds that enveloped her, and cushioned all the pain she"d ever felt, or been afraid of, since the beginning of time.
"You look tired," she said, looking up at him. "And you know I love you too."
"Yes, I do, Mom. I always knew that." She was relieved to hear it. They stood and hugged for a long moment, and then walked slowly out of the kitchen to find the others. Everyone was looking full and tired and sleepy. And a little while later, they all walked upstairs together, wished each other a Merry Christmas again, and went to their own rooms.
She and Jim went to bed early, and the kids were already asleep, as they lay there talking about what a nice Christmas it had been, despite the painful reality of Johnny"s absence. And she felt a little guilty when Jim mentioned it, because only she and Bobby knew that Johnny had been there with them.
"You know, I feel good about him. As though he"s in a happy place. I don"t know why, but I just feel that," Jim said, as they lay in the dark, with his arm around her.
"So do I," she said with a sigh, and then they just lay side by side and held each other. And a little while later, Jim fell asleep, but Alice just couldn"t. She was wide awake, no matter how tired she was, or how long the day had been. All she could think of tonight was Johnny. And long after midnight, she got up finally, and walked out into the hallway. She was going to go back downstairs and make herself a cup of warm milk to drink, to soothe her nerves and calm her stomach. And just as she came out of her room, she saw Johnny come out of Charlotte"s bedroom. He had been with her for a long time, and held her hand as she fell asleep, and she was smiling now, dreaming of him.
He had been in Bobby"s room with him before that, and they"d had a long talk, about what it meant to go on, and take the people you love with you in your heart.
"You"re going away again, aren"t you?" Bobby had asked him, but he hadn"t looked worried about it. It was as though he understood, even though he was a child.
"Yes, I am." Johnny was always honest with him.
"Will you come back again?" Bobby"s eyes were wide with wonder.
"Maybe, but I don"t think so."
"Thank you for helping me talk again," Bobby said, and they held each other for a long time. Bobby would always remember his brother, and in many ways, he was a lot like him.
Johnny was telling his mother about it, as they started down the stairs, and then he stopped and went to his room, and looked around for a minute. He was going to miss all of them, he knew, as much as they missed him. And he reminded his mother to give Bobby his varsity jacket when he was big enough to wear it. And Charlotte could borrow it in the meantime. Tears sprang to her eyes the minute he said it. It was time for good-byes again. And she had never wanted to say good-bye to him the first time, she had refused to. Maybe that was why he had come back to them, because she had refused to let him go. Or maybe he had come back to attend to unfinished business. But he had finished all of it. All the loose ends were tied up, so neatly and so well, like everything he had done in life. In three months, he had done so much for so many people. Alice couldn"t help thinking how blessed they had all been.
Johnny watched her warm the milk, and then sat down with her, while she drank it. And when she finished it, she looked up at him. She knew now why she hadn"t been able to sleep that night. He was going. She couldn"t even bring herself to say the words to him. The idea of it was too painful, but he shook his head as he looked at her.
"Don"t do it that way, Mom. Let me go this time. I"ll be here with you, always, even when you can"t see me."
"I"m going to miss talking to you. What am I going to do without you?" she asked, with tears in her eyes.
"You"ll be busy, with Dad and the others." He smiled at her and put his arms around her, and after a while they stood up, and she looked at him with everything she felt for him, and had since the day he was born.
"I love you, Johnny."
"I love you too, Mom... more than you"ll ever know ... more than I ever told you."
"You are such a good boy, and I"m so proud of you ... I always will be."
"I"m proud of you too." And then he turned, as though he"d forgotten something, and he pulled a small rectangular box out of his pocket. He had wrapped it awkwardly, and he handed it to her. "This is for you and Dad. It"s going to make you happy for a long, long time, all your lives, I hope."
"What is it? Should I open it now?" She was curious about what was in it.
"No, do it later," he said firmly, and she slipped it into the pocket of her bathrobe.
And then he walked slowly to the door, and she followed him. They stood there for a long time, looking out into the night, and hugging. He had his arms around her and held her tight, just as he had as a child. She could feel the warm milk she had drunk warm her. She felt peaceful and tired, and strangely comfortable, and he held her for a long time, and then kissed her cheek. She kissed him one last time, and he walked out into the night, as she watched him. She wanted to stop him, or run after him, but she knew she couldn"t. He turned back once to smile at her, and she was smiling at him as tears poured from her eyes, but it was a different kind of sadness this time, mixed with longing and joy and grat.i.tude for all he had been to her. She blinked for only an instant to clear the tears from her eyes, and he was gone, walking softly into the night, to a place where she could not follow.
She stood in the doorway for a long time, and then closed it softly. It was hard to believe he was gone, impossible, as hard as it had been the first time. But he was right, it was different. She missed him already, and she was not sure she was as ready as he had said she would be. Her heart was full of him as she walked back upstairs to her bedroom. And as she looked at Jim, sleeping peacefully, she knew that Johnny would always be with them. And when she put the dressing gown down, she remembered the little gift Johnny had left them.
She walked into the bathroom and turned on the light, to open it. And when she did, she laughed out loud. It was a crazy gift. Just a joke, and nothing important. It was a pregnancy kit, the kind you bought in the drugstore, it was like a message from him, telling her to do something she and Jim hadn"t thought about in years. They had thought about having a fourth child once upon a time, but after Bobby"s accident, they had decided they couldn"t. And as she held the box in her hand, it was as though she heard Johnny"s voice in her head, telling her to use it.
"Go on, Mom ... go on ... do it...." The words were so clear, it was as though he were still standing there with her, and she wondered if he was, but she could no longer see him or hear him. She could only feel him, in her heart. The past three months had been a crazy time, but a time she would always cherish. And as she thought of it, she suddenly thought of the ulcer she was so convinced had returned in the past few days, the disturbance she had felt, and she wondered if Johnny really was telling her something with his silly gift. She couldn"t imagine it happening, but feeling foolish, she decided to follow the impulse and use it.
And five minutes later, as she stood holding the test and read the results, she knew that the voice had been as clear as though he had been standing with her. He still was, always would be with her, and his gift to her, his miracle, had not only been his visit. There was a new life in her, a new vista opening up to her. She could feel him next to her as she thought of it. One life had ended, and another was beginning. And Johnny, the boy she had loved so much and never lost, her son and soul mate, would always be in her heart with her.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR.
DANIELLE STEEL has been hailed as one of the world"s most popular authors, with over 520 million copies of her novels sold. Her many international bestsellers include has been hailed as one of the world"s most popular authors, with over 520 million copies of her novels sold. Her many international bestsellers include Ransom, Safe Harbour, Johnny Angel, Dating Game, Answered Prayers, Sunset in St. Tropez, The Cottage, The Kiss, Leap of Faith, Lone Eagle Ransom, Safe Harbour, Johnny Angel, Dating Game, Answered Prayers, Sunset in St. Tropez, The Cottage, The Kiss, Leap of Faith, Lone Eagle, and other highly acclaimed novels. She is also the author of His Bright Light His Bright Light, the story of her son Nick Traina"s life and death.
Books by Danielle Steel
JOURNEY.
MESSAGE FROM NAM MESSAGE FROM NAM.
THE HOUSE ON HOPE.
DADDY DADDY.
STREET.
STAR STAR.
THE WEDDING.
ZOYA ZOYA.
IRRESISTIBLE FORCES.
KALEIDOSCOPE KALEIDOSCOPE.
GRANNY DAN.
FINE THINGS FINE THINGS.
BITTERSWEET.
WANDERl.u.s.t WANDERl.u.s.t.
MIRROR IMAGE.
SECRETS SECRETS.
HIS BRIGHT LIGHT:.
FAMILY ALb.u.m FAMILY ALb.u.m.
The Story of Nick Traina FULL CIRCLE FULL CIRCLE.
THE KLONE AND I.
CHANGES CHANGES.
THE LONG ROAD HOME.
THURSTON HOUSE THURSTON HOUSE.
THE GHOST.
CROSSINGS CROSSINGS.
SPECIAL DELIVERY.
ONCE IN A LIFETIME ONCE IN A LIFETIME.
THE RANCH.
A PERFECT STRANGER A PERFECT STRANGER.
SILENT HONOR.
REMEMBRANCE REMEMBRANCE.
MALICE.
PALOMINO PALOMINO.
FIVE DAYS IN PARIS.
LOVE: POEMS LOVE: POEMS.
LIGHTNING.
THE RING THE RING.
WINGS.
LOVING LOVING.