"That was different."
"Was it? Why? Because he was a boy?"
"He was a great athlete," Jim said matter-of-factly He had a splitting headache.
"So is Charlotte. Maybe even better than he was. Johnny always said that about her."
"He was just trying to make her feel good."
"Why don"t you come and see for yourself?" she asked him, as Johnny and Bobby walked into the kitchen. Bobby said nothing, as usual. And Johnny stopped to kiss his mother, but Jim couldn"t see that. "You could still get in plenty of time at the office. The game doesn"t start until four o"clock, in the gym at her school. I think it would mean a lot to her if you would be there. Johnny always went. And you know a lot more about the game than I do. I think it"s important that you be there."
"Oh come on, Alice. Don"t be silly. She won"t even know the difference."
"Yes, she will," Alice persisted, as Johnny sat down at the table, next to his father, staring at him intently. "Why don"t you think about it?" Alice said, as she set a bowl of cereal down in front of Bobby. Jim seemed not to see him. To him, Bobby was as invisible as Johnny was to him. Ever since Bobby had stopped speaking, his father had ignored him. Acknowledging him, and the reason why he could no longer talk, was just too painful for him.
"I"ve got a lot of work to catch up on, for my new clients. I"m going to be working all weekend." But at least that was good for him, and she was aware that his business was slowly improving. She kept hoping that if he felt better about his work, he might stop drinking, or slow down at least. He had been better since Johnny had come, but there was still a lot of room for improvement.
He left for work a few minutes later, and both boys disappeared outside somewhere. Alice was alone in the kitchen when Charlotte came down for breakfast, and she left a few minutes after that for practice. At least she seemed in better spirits, and she said nothing at all about her father. She wasn"t expecting him to come, and Alice didn"t tell her she had talked to him about it, and gotten nowhere.
And at a quarter to four, she and Bobby got into the front seat of her car, and Johnny got in the backseat behind them. He was talking animatedly about the game, and Bobby was talking and laughing with his brother, as Alice smiled and listened to them. It was like a dream come true, being with them, listening to Bobby talk, and having Johnny back with them.
She didn"t know how long he would be with them, but it was a gift beyond any she could have hoped for. And by the time they arrived at the high school, they were in great spirits, and looking forward to the game.
The game went well for Charlotte"s team. The score was 26 to 15 by the middle of the second quarter, and Bobby was hopping up and down in his seat, clapping for Charlotte. She scored another three-pointer, and Johnny went crazy watching her. He couldn"t believe how well she was playing. And then, as they waited for the second half to start, Alice saw a familiar form out of the corner of her eye, and turned to see her husband making his way across the gym, looking somewhat tentative, but smiling at them.
"I can"t believe it," she whispered, as Bobby stared, and Johnny gave a victorious whoop. Alice almost cried when she saw Charlotte"s expression when she saw her father. It was the first game he had come to. "How did you manage that?" she whispered to Johnny, just before Jim reached them.
"To be honest with you, I"m not sure," Johnny said to his mother. "I"ve been thinking about it a lot, and wishing for it ever since we got here. Maybe he heard me, or felt it, or something." Johnny still wasn"t aware of how he influenced things, yet he was beginning to realize that when he thought of something hard enough, it happened. It was a miraculous kind of power that seemed to flow through him. And suggesting something to someone"s thought invariably seemed to make them want to do it.
Jim had reached them by then, and sat down between his wife and Bobby, but said nothing to the child. His eyes were riveted on Charlotte. Suddenly, he seemed very intent on her playing, as though he had never before seen it.
"She"s playing incredibly," Alice said proudly, and he nodded.
And she scored another basket as soon as the clock started. Jim said nothing, he just watched her. But she scored another three points with an amazing shot in the last two minutes of the game, and everyone cheered her. Her team had slaughtered their opponents, and twenty of the winning points had been Charlotte"s. The rest of the team carried her around on their shoulders, when the game was over. And when Alice turned to him, she saw that Jim was smiling broadly. She couldn"t even remember the last time she"d seen him look that happy. He was immensely proud of his daughter, as though he were seeing her for the very first time and finally discovering her talent.
"That was a h.e.l.l of a game, wasn"t it?" he said to Alice, and she nodded, as tears stung her eyes. And a few minutes later Charlotte joined them, looking happy and excited to see her father.
"Thanks for coming, Dad," she said shyly.
"You did a great job, Charlie," he said, standing up and putting an arm around her shoulders. "I was really proud of you!" he said gruffly, as he shook her gently like a bear playing with a cub, proud of some new achievement of his offspring.
They followed her out of the gym, after she had changed, and she couldn"t see him, but Johnny had his arm around her, and she looked pensive as she silently thought about him.
"You know, Johnny played a game like that once," her father reminisced as they drove home, "he won a trophy for it."
"I think we have a good chance to be in the division finals this year," she said with a look of grat.i.tude for his interest. It was all so new to her, but she was reveling in it.
"If you do, I"ll come see them," Jim promised. He had been vastly impressed by the game he"d just seen her play She had real athletic talent. More than he"d ever dreamed.
They stopped to buy groceries on the way home, and by the time they got back, it was time to start dinner. Alice busied herself in the kitchen, and Bobby went outside to shoot baskets with Charlotte, as their father watched them and coached Charlotte, and Johnny went along to watch them. A few minutes later, he walked back into the kitchen, to talk to his mother.
"That was pretty cool of Dad to come, wasn"t it?" he said, sounding as pleased as he felt. He knew what it had meant to Charlie. Even their father had seemed to "get it." And he had been blown away by the way Charlie played. He was already talking about going to the next game.
"I think you have more power than you think," Alice said softly, so no one else would hear her. "What you do has an effect on all of us.... Look at Bobby. And Dad going to the game. It"s like magic." His gentle, loving touch was improving all their lives, one by one.
"Bobby was just ready, Mom. Five years is a long time not to talk." She knew it all too well. Jim had been drinking heavily on a daily basis ever since Bobby had become silent.
"When are we going to tell Dad about Bobby talking?" Alice asked. She had been wondering about it ever since she had discovered their secret, and hoped it would be soon. She knew just how much it would mean to Jim.
"Not yet," Johnny answered. "Bobby"s not ready. But he will be, soon, I hope. We still have a few twists and turns in the road here."
"What does that mean?" She looked puzzled.
"To tell you the truth, I"m not sure, Mom. I just feel things. I don"t know why, and I"m never sure how they"re going to work out. I just think things, and they come, kind of on their own. But they happen the way I thought. But I do know that Bobby needs to practice talking a little bit, and he has to be prepared to tell Dad." Alice knew what a gift of freedom it would be for Jim, it would free him from the guilt, and it might change his life, and theirs, to know that Bobby could talk again. She was anxious for that to happen. But Johnny insisted it was too soon to tell him, and she somehow knew she had to respect that, and so did Bobby. Johnny seemed to know what he was doing. The results were good so far. For the moment, only their mother could share their conversations with them. Johnny wanted their victories to be more solid, he didn"t want Bobby to feel like he failed if anything went wrong, or to be so nervous, he stumbled when he talked.
She had dinner on the table for them half an hour later, and Jim talked at length to Charlotte about the game, and how she could score even more points if she tightened up her game. The suggestions he made were good ones, and Charlotte was momentarily impressed. It was all she had ever wanted from him. A door had finally opened between them, and her father had taken a giant step into her world. The love and approval she had always wanted from him was finally hers.
"I"ll try, Dad," she said, excited about the attention he was giving her, and glowing from it. It was almost like the conversations he used to have with Johnny. He was suddenly respectful of her, and he could see how well she played. And he had to admit for once, she was a d.a.m.n fine little athlete. His approval shone in his eyes, and listening to him, Charlotte looked like she had been given the Hope diamond. She was the happiest girl in the world.
The next day, after Jim came home from work, he offered to take her out for a soda at the drive-in, and for once it didn"t seem like he had been drinking before he got home. Alice smiled as they left, and Charlotte hurried out to the car with her father. She asked him a number of questions about the sports he"d played as a young man, as he turned the key in the ignition. And a moment later, Alice saw them drive off, and she went outside to watch Johnny shoot baskets with Bobby. What they had just seen was like a miracle to them. It seemed as though Jim had never paid a moment"s attention to Charlotte, but he was making up for lost time now.
Alice waited for them to return before starting dinner, but she was startled when she glanced at the clock, and saw that it was after seven. They should have been home long before. They had been gone for nearly two hours, and at eight o"clock she was panicked. But she was even more so, when the hospital called her at eight-thirty. They said that Charlotte and Jim were there, they were both fine, except that Charlotte had a mild concussion.
"What happened?" Alice was horrified as she listened to the voice on the phone explain it to her. They had had a minor accident in the car. Jim had hit a parked truck, but had suffered no injuries. Charlotte"s head had hit the dashboard, and after they watched her for a while, they were going to send her home with her father. And as soon as she hung up, Alice told Johnny about it. She had long since fed Bobby a sandwich, and afterward he had gone to his room to do some homework. So she didn"t have to worry about frightening him when she told Johnny about the accident. And he whistled long and hard when she told him about it.
"Was he drinking, Mom?" Johnny asked her, and she looked confused.
"I don"t know. He seemed okay when he left," she said honestly. But they both knew that he might have stopped somewhere for a couple of beers or more. He could have gotten just drunk enough to hit another car. And at that exact moment, Alice knew she"d had enough. He had just endangered a child for a second time. The risk he presented while drinking was suddenly intolerable to her.
She was still angry at herself, and at him, when Jim came home with Charlotte two hours later. She was too angry to even speak to him. All they had told Charlotte to do was rest and take it easy for a few days. They thought she could be playing basketball again the following weekend. But that was beside the point to Alice. She knew Charlotte could have been killed.
The look on Jim"s face, when he walked in, told its own story. He was ashen. He said nothing to his wife, but poured himself a cup of coffee, and looked long and hard at her, trying to gauge her reaction, when she came downstairs after putting Charlotte to bed. Alice was livid, as Johnny quietly withdrew and went back upstairs to Bobby. He"d been waiting in the kitchen with his mother when Charlotte and Jim came home. "Do you realize you could have killed her?" she said furiously. He didn"t answer. They both knew the consequences of accidents like the one he"d just had with Charlotte. "I"m not going to let you drive the kids anymore, if you can"t be responsible," she said, looking angrily at him. "You can drink all you want, but don"t get in a car with my children," she said firmly, and he sat down at the kitchen table, looking like a beaten man. He had scared himself, and Charlotte, to death.
"I know, you have every right to say that, and to be very angry with me." If there was one thing they both knew, it was the price of accidents like the one he"d just had. They had lived through it all too vividly with Bobby. Jim himself had never recovered from it, nor had their son.
"I"m never going to be able to forgive you, and neither are you, if you have another accident with one of our kids," Alice said, looking right at him, and he had tears in his eyes when he turned away from her.
"Look. I get it. I feel awful. You don"t have to say anything, Alice. I said it all to myself after it happened." And she could see that he meant it. "I just had a couple of beers before we came home."
"I"m going to say a lot, Jim, if you do it again. If you drink, don"t drive our kids. If you do, I"m going to leave and take them with me." She had never said anything like that to him before.
"Are you serious?" He looked horrified by what she was saying. He could see that she meant it. Something in her had snapped when the hospital called.
"Look," Jim insisted, "I told you it won"t happen again." She gave him a long hard look, and then silently walked out of the kitchen, went upstairs to their bedroom, and closed the door.
Jim came up a few minutes later, and said nothing to her. Alice was already in bed, and in no mood to talk to him. And as he slipped quietly into bed and turned off the light, Alice could hear Johnny and Bobby moving around in the next room. But Jim was so exhausted from the emotions of the evening, he seemed to hear nothing, and within minutes, he was asleep.
Chapter 9.
The tension in the house the day after Jim and Charlotte"s accident hung over them like cement. Neither Jim nor Alice spoke at the breakfast table, Bobby was silent as usual, and Charlotte was in bed, asleep. And after Alice cleared the dishes, Jim stood watching her for a minute, trying to get up the courage to talk to her. But it was obvious she didn"t want to talk to him. the day after Jim and Charlotte"s accident hung over them like cement. Neither Jim nor Alice spoke at the breakfast table, Bobby was silent as usual, and Charlotte was in bed, asleep. And after Alice cleared the dishes, Jim stood watching her for a minute, trying to get up the courage to talk to her. But it was obvious she didn"t want to talk to him.
"I"m going to the office today," he said, as though expecting a reaction from her, but he got none. She turned around and looked at him in silence. "Will you be all right here with the kids? I mean, with Charlotte and everything...." His voice drifted off as he saw the pain and accusation in her eyes. It was obvious that she felt he had betrayed her. "Look, dammit, I didn"t do it on purpose."
"You didn"t need to drink when you took her out. You could have waited till you got home."
"I know," he said in a choked voice. "I was excited about the game. She"s going to be all right, Alice. I didn"t kill her." He tried to defend himself, but it was futile. They both knew he was wrong.
"If you want to risk yourself, I don"t like it, but that"s your choice. You have no right to make those kinds of decisions with our children." What it told her was that she could no longer trust him with their children. Neither his driving nor his judgment could be relied on anymore.
"I won"t do it again," he said weakly, feeling rotten. He hated knowing that he had upset her, and Charlotte had gotten hurt.
"No, you won"t," she said with a different tone than he"d ever heard before, "because I won"t let you." He said nothing, and a few minutes later, he left, and Johnny walked into the kitchen and looked at his mother"s face with concern.
"I hate it when you guys fight," he said sadly.
"Do you blame me? He could have killed your sister."
"Maybe this time it"ll teach him a lesson." But if he hadn"t learned the lesson five years before, when Bobby nearly drowned, Alice was beginning to think he never would. Maybe his drinking was now a permanent part of their existence, and there was no hope that he would change it. For the first time, the night before, she had begun to accept that. And she didn"t like what it meant for their future. She had always thought he would stop drinking eventually, or cut down dramatically, but he never had. If anything, he"d gotten worse over the years, since Bobby"s accident. They had lost Johnny, and she had no intention of losing either of the others. Or him, if he decided to drive while he was drunk. "I"m sorry, Mom," Johnny said sadly. It pained him to see her so worried.
She went upstairs to check on Charlotte then, and after a while, she came back downstairs to cook her breakfast. And Pam came over to visit her that afternoon. She had a date again that night with Gavin, and she had dropped in just to say hi, and was horrified when Alice told her what had happened to Charlotte.
Alice was still upset when Pam arrived, but she didn"t tell her she had threatened to leave Jim over it. They talked for a while, and when Pam left, Alice took Bobby out for an ice cream, and then came home to fix dinner. And at seven, Jim still wasn"t home, and she called him at the office. But he wasn"t there either. She a.s.sumed he was on his way home, but an hour later, he was still out, and she was frantic. She couldn"t help wondering if he had lied to her, not gone to the office at all, and was seeing someone on the side, or perhaps he was too drunk to come home. She had never suspected him of cheating on her before, but there was no telling what he might do, she realized now, when he"d been drinking. It felt as though their life had sunk to a new low.
He came in at eight-fifteen, looking nervous and uncomfortable, and he seemed surprised to see Bobby and Alice eating dinner at the kitchen table. She glanced up at him without a word, but she could see in an instant that he was cold sober.
"I"m sorry. I didn"t realize how late it was," he said awkwardly. "I just left the office. I had to catch up on some work." You could have cut the tension between them with a knife.
"I called you over an hour ago," she said, with eyes filled with accusation. She was still angry at him from the night before, and this added fuel to the fire.
"I had to stop somewhere on the way home. I said I was sorry," Jim said, and she didn"t answer him, but put dinner on a plate for him, as Bobby watched them. He could tell that something terrible was happening between his parents, and he escaped as soon as he could to his own room. Johnny hadn"t been around all afternoon, and he was out that evening. There was no one for Alice to talk to, and Jim took refuge in front of the TV, but without the familiar six-pack this time, much to his wife"s amazement. She wished Johnny were there to say something to, but he didn"t appear again until eleven that night, and by then, Jim had gone up to bed without a word, and Alice had stayed downstairs for a cup of tea.
"Where have you been?" she asked as though he"d been out on a date and missed his curfew. She forgot sometimes that she no longer had to worry about him. The worst had already happened.
"I had dinner with Buzz and Becky. He took her to a real cute place. He takes her to much nicer restaurants than I did," he said with a grin, and she laughed at the absurdity of the situation. Just sitting at the kitchen table with him lightened her mood, and the anger that had pervaded the house since the night before.
"Are you supposed to just hang around with them like that?" she asked with a look of amus.e.m.e.nt. At least he didn"t look upset by it. He seemed pleased for her, instead of jealous.
"No one said I couldn"t. She sure talks about me a lot, Mom."
"I know she does," Alice said quietly. "She really loved you." She still did, Alice knew, but she didn"t want to say that to him. There was no point reminding him, especially since he seemed in such good spirits after tagging along on Becky"s date.
"They had a good time," Johnny said. "He"s nice to her. He"s trying to talk her into trying to get a scholarship at UCLA, so she can go back to school with him. She said she was going to try, but she doesn"t think she"ll get in. It would be great for her if she did." Alice nodded, watching him, and then he turned to her with a worried expression. "How was Dad tonight? Did you two make up?"
"Not really. He came home late again. But at least he was sober." She could be open about it with him. He was old enough to understand the tensions between them. But nonetheless she didn"t tell him that she was wondering if he"d gone to the office at all, or was cheating on her.
"Give him a break, Mom," Johnny pleaded with her.
"He"s as upset about it as you are. He just doesn"t know what to do."
"He needs to go to AA," she said, sounding angry and bitter.
"Maybe he will. Maybe the accident woke him up."
"He should have woken up five years ago, after Bobby"s accident. It"s getting to be a little late now." She sounded angry and bitter, and Johnny looked sad.
"Don"t be so hard on him, Mom." And just as he said that to her, the door opened and his father walked into the room. Alice had her mouth open and was about to say something else to Johnny when she saw him and stopped in midsentence. She thought he was asleep, but he had come back downstairs for something to eat.
"Talking to yourself again?" he asked, looking tired. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately. He could often hear it from the next room. "You ought to see a doctor about that," he said, as he left the kitchen and went back upstairs, and a few minutes later, Alice kissed Johnny good night, and followed suit.
They were in bed, side by side, before they spoke to each other again, "How"s Charlotte feeling tonight?" He looked worried as he asked her.
"She"s been asleep since this afternoon. You could go into her room in the morning and ask her yourself." But he had hidden from her all day. He was too embarra.s.sed over what had happened to want to talk to her. He had apologized to her the night before, all the way home from the hospital, and she had rea.s.sured him that she was all right. But knowing the risk he"d taken had upset him more than her. She didn"t want to make things any worse than they already were at home, and she had thanked him again for coming to her game, and taking her out, which made him feel even guiltier than ever.
"I"ll talk to her tomorrow," he said vaguely, as he turned off the light, and lay next to Alice for a long time, wide awake, and thinking about his life.
Alice was already sound asleep when he finally curled up next to her, and fell into a deep sleep until morning. And when he stopped in to see Charlotte, she was still sleeping. Alice had gone to church, and Bobby was sitting alone in the kitchen. He had been talking to Johnny, but fell silent the moment he heard his father"s footsteps approach.
Jim said nothing to him, poured himself a cup of coffee, and picked up the paper, as though Bobby weren"t even in the room with him. And Johnny sat silent, watching. Johnny was still at the table with them, and he looked extremely pensive, as though he were concentrating on something. And after their father finished the paper, he put it down, and looked at Bobby, as though he"d suddenly had an idea.
"Your mom"ll be back soon," he said, as though to a lost child who had wandered into their kitchen, a total stranger. He had no idea how to talk to him anymore. Since Bobby couldn"t answer, to Jim, there seemed to be no point talking to him, and Bobby knew that. There were things Bobby would have liked to say to him, but knew he couldn"t. And even now that he had begun speaking to Johnny and his mom again, he knew his father wouldn"t understand. "Do you want something to eat?" Jim asked, not sure what the serious expression in the child"s eyes meant, but he looked as though, for once, he was trying to understand. "Have you had breakfast?" Bobby nodded his head as Jim sighed. "It"s not easy talking to you," Jim said, not suffering from a hangover for the first time in years. He hadn"t had a drink in nearly two days. "Why don"t you answer, or at least try to? Don"t you think you could talk, if you wanted to? I"ll bet you could." He was wishing the child to talk to him, but there was not a sound from him. "You don"t even try," he said, looking frustrated as Johnny gently touched his brother"s hand, as though to rea.s.sure him that everything would be all right. He didn"t need to be afraid of his father. Johnny wanted to convey to his brother that everything was going to be fine.
Jim stood up then, and there were tears in his eyes, as he walked out of the room. Their lives were falling apart. And Bobby sat in the kitchen for a long time, and then went upstairs quietly, and let himself into Johnny"s room. He stayed in there for a long time, with Johnny, whispering, and looking at his trophies. And then he dropped something, and a moment later, his father opened the door to Johnny"s room and saw Bobby there.
"What are you doing in here? You have no business coming in here. Go back to your room," he said sternly as tears filled Bobby"s eyes, and Johnny whispered to him that he"d go with him, and not to let Dad scare him. It was going to be all right. The problem was that Johnny"s room had finally become like a shrine in Jim"s mind, and he didn"t want any of Johnny"s things disturbed, or removed.
Bobby walked silently out of the room, and when he"d gone, Jim walked slowly into the room. It was clean, everything was in order. Alice dusted it thoroughly once a week, and Jim didn"t come in often enough to notice that things had been moved recently. Johnny had been spending a lot of time in his room, and going through his belongings and papers. There were photographs of him and Becky, letters, diaries he had kept as a kid. It was all still there, just as it had been when he left. And after a few minutes, Jim sat down on the bed, as tears streamed down his cheeks, and he looked around. It was five months since he"d been gone, and it was so painful seeing it just as it had once been. Johnny"s varsity jacket was hanging over a chair, where he"d left it after he"d worn it the day before. Jim sat there for a long time, and then finally got up and left, and gently closed the door, and as he did, he saw Alice coming up the stairs. She knew where he had been, but said nothing.
She walked right past him into Charlotte"s room, to check on her. She had just woken up, and said she was hungry and felt better. She went downstairs to eat breakfast in an old pink bathrobe, and smiled when she saw her father. She was still basking in the glow of his excitement about her game. The concussion she got afterward was far less important to her.
"How"re you feeling, Charlie?" he asked, sounding hoa.r.s.e from the tears he had just shed.
"Better. How "bout you, Dad?" There was a new light in her eyes as she looked at him. She had shared her victory with him.
"I"m okay." Except that Alice had barely spoken to him in two days. Bobby looked at him like a stranger. And his hands had been shaking for two days since his last drink.
They all kept to themselves for the rest of the day, and at four o"clock, Jim went out. He came back two hours later, and didn"t say anything to Alice about where he"d been. And she worried that he"d gone off to see some woman, as she thought he had the day before. But she made no comment when he came back, in better spirits, and she watched to see if he"d grab a six-pack. But he didn"t. And instead of collapsing in front of the TV, he went outside to clean up the backyard. At dinner that night, he made feeble attempts to talk to her. Charlotte came downstairs and joined them, and she was already talking about going back to basketball practice the following week.
"Not until the doctor says you can," Alice scolded, and by the end of the meal, Jim was deep in conversation with his daughter about her style, and how good her game had been two days before.
"Thanks, Dad," she said, looking pleased. She had been told that more than likely she was going to be named most valuable player on her team at the last game. "Will you come to my game next week?"
"I"ll try," he said with a cautious smile, first at his daughter, then his wife. But Bobby still seemed not to exist for him. His frustration at not being able to communicate with Bobby that morning had discouraged him.