"Good-night, Roger."
III.
People say you can never sleep well in a strange bed. I know I did not sleep well, but very badly, that first night at Lady Bevere"s. It was not the fault of the bed, or of its strangeness; it was Roger"s trouble haunting me.
He did not seem to have slept well either, to judge by his looks when I went into his room in the morning. His fair, pleasant face was pale; his lips trembled, the blue eyes had torment in their depths.
"I have had a bad dream," he said, in answer to a remark I made. "An awful dream. It came to me in my last sleep this morning; and morning dreams, they say, come true. I"m afraid I have you to thank for it, Johnny."
"Me!"
"You suggested last night, startling me well-nigh out of my senses by it, that Lizzie might follow me down here. Well, I dreamt she did so.
I saw her in the dining-room, haranguing my mother, her red-gold hair streaming over her shoulders and her arms stretched wildly out. Uncle John stood in a corner of the room, looking on."
I felt sorry, and told him so: of course my speaking had prompted the dream. He need not fear. If Lizzie did not know he had come down here, or that his family lived here, or anything about them, she could not follow him.
"You see shadows where no shadows are, Roger."
"When a man spoils his life on its threshold, it is all shadow; past, present, and future."
"Things may mend, you know."
"Mend!" he returned: "how can they mend? They may grow worse; never mend. My existence is one long torment. Day by day I live in dread of what may come: of her bringing down upon herself some public disgrace and my name with it. No living being, man or woman, can imagine what it is to me; the remorse for my folly, the mortification, the shame. I believe honestly that but for a few things instilled into me at my mother"s knee in childhood, I should have put an end to myself."
"It is a long lane that has no turning."
"Lanes have different outlets: bad as well as good."
"I think breakfast must be ready, Roger."
"And I started with prospects so fair!" he went on. "Never a thought or wish in my heart but to fulfil honestly the duties that lay in my way to the best of my power, to G.o.d and to man. And I should have done it, but for---- Johnny Ludlow," he broke off, with a deep breath of emotion, "when I see other young fellows travelling along the same wrong road, once earnest, well-meaning lads as I was, not turning aside of their own wilful, deliberate folly, but ensnared to it by the evil works and ways they encounter in that teeming city, my soul is wrung with pity for them. I sometimes wonder whether G.o.d will punish them for what they can hardly avoid; or whether He will not rather let His anger fall on those who throw temptations in their way."
Poor Roger, poor Roger! Mr. Brandon used to talk of the skeleton in _his_ closet: he little suspected how terrible was the skeleton in Roger"s.
Lady Bevere kept four servants: for she was no better off, except for a little income that belonged to herself, than is many another admiral"s widow. An upper maid, Harriet, who helped to wait, and did sewing: a housemaid and a cook; and an elderly man, Jacob, who had lived with them in the time of Sir Edmund.
During the afternoon of this day, Sat.u.r.day, Roger and I set off to walk to Brighton with the two girls. Not by the high-road, but by a near way (supposed to cut off half the distance) across a huge, dreary, flat marsh, of which you could see neither the beginning nor the end. In starting, we had reached the gate at the foot of the garden, when Harriet came running down the path. She was a tall, thin, civil young woman, with something in her voice or in her manner of speaking that seemed to my ear familiar, though I knew not how or why.
"Miss Mary," she said, "my lady asks have you taken umbrellas, if you please. She thinks it will snow when the sun goes down."
"Yes, yes; tell mamma we have them," replied Mary: and Harriet ran back.
"How was it the mother came to so lonely a spot as this?" questioned Roger, as we went along, the little one, Tottams, jumping around me.
"You girls must find it lively?"
Mary laughed as she answered. "We _do_ find it lively, Roger, and we often ask her why she came. But when mamma and George looked at the place, it was a bright, hot summer"s day. They liked it then: it has plenty of rooms in it, you see, though they are old-fashioned; and the rent was so very reasonable. Be quiet, Tottams."
"So reasonable that I should have concluded the place had a ghost in it," said Roger.
"George"s curacy was at Brighton in those days, you know, Roger: that is why we came to the neighbourhood."
"And George had left for a better curacy before you had well settled down here! Miss Tottams, if you pull at Johnny Ludlow like that, I shall send you back by yourself."
"True. But we like the place very well now we are used to it, and we know a few nice people. One family--the Archers--we like very much. Six daughters, Roger; one of them, Bessy, would make you a charming wife.
You will have to marry, you know, when you set up in practice. They are coming to us next Wednesday evening."
My eye caught Roger"s. I did not intend it. Caught the bitter expression in it as he turned away.
Brighton reached, we went on the pier. Then, while they did some commissions for Lady Bevere at various shops, I went to the post-office, to register two letters for Mr. Brandon. Tottams wanted to keep with me, but they took her, saying she"d be too troublesome. The letters registered, I came out of the office, and was turning away, when some one touched me on the arm.
"Mr. Ludlow, I think! How are you?"
To my surprise it was Richard Scott. He seemed equally surprised to see me. I told him I had come down with Roger Bevere to spend Christmas week at Prior"s Glebe.
"Lucky fellow!" exclaimed Scott, "I have to go back to London and drudgery this evening: came down with my governor last night for an operation to-day. Glad to say it"s all well over."
But a thought had flashed into my mind: I ought not to have said so much. Drawing Scott out of the pa.s.sing crowd, I spoke.
"Look here, Scott: you must be cautious not to say that Bevere"s down here. You must not speak of it."
"Speak where?" asked Scott, turning his head towards me. He had put his arm within mine as we walked along. "Where?"
"Oh--well--up with you, you know--in Bevere"s old quarters. Or--or in the railway-room at the Bell-and-Clapper."
Scott laughed. "_I_ understand. Madam Lizzie might be coming after him to his mother"s. But--why, what an odd thing!"
Some thought seemed to have struck him suddenly. He paused in his walk as well as in his speech.
"I dare say it was nothing," he added, going on again. "Be at ease as to Bevere, Ludlow. I should as soon think of applying to him a lighted firebrand."
"But what is it you call odd?" I asked, feeling sure that, whatever it might be, it was connected with Bevere.
"Why, this," said Scott. "Last night, when we got here, I left my umbrella in the carriage, having a lot of other things to see to of my own and the governor"s. I went back as soon as I found it out, but could hear nothing of it. Just now I went up again and got it"--slightly showing the green silk one he held in his hand. "A train from London came in while I stood there, bringing a heap of pa.s.sengers. One of them looked like Lizzie."
I could not speak from consternation.
"Having nothing to do while waiting for my umbrella to be brought, I was watching the crowd flock out of the station," continued Scott. "Amidst it I saw a head of red-gold hair, just like Lizzie"s. I could not see more of her than that; some other young woman"s head was close to hers."
"But do you think it was Lizzie?"
"No, I do not. So little did I think it that it went clean out of my mind until you spoke. It must have been some accidental resemblance; nothing more; red-gold hair is not so very uncommon. There"s nothing to bring her down to Brighton."
"Unless she knows that he is here."
"That"s impossible."
"What a wretched business it is altogether!"