A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children.
"It"s always a good idea for them to visualise the question.
For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead - how many were left? - the children would answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind"s eye."
At that point she was interrupted by one of the students.
"Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that question."
The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but again the student shook his head.
"My answer would be none," he said. "If one of the cats had been shot then the other two would have been out of there in a flash."
She replied, "Well, in theory that wouldn"t be correct, however I like the way you think."
The student continued, "May I ask you a question now? If there were three women walking down the street, one licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an ice lolly - which one would you think was married?"
The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply.
"Well ... er ... the one sucking the ice lolly."
"No," replied the student, smiling, "it would be the one wearing a wedding ring ... still, I like the way you think!"
Two ducks meet in the hotel bar, have a few drinks and decide to book into a room for the night. But ever mindful of safe s.e.x, they ask room service for a packet of condoms.
A few minutes later the condoms arrive and the waiter asks, "Shall I put it on your bill, Sir?"
"Not b.l.o.o.d.y likely," bellows the male duck, "I"m not some kind of pervert you know."
A frustrated old spinster had read in a woman"s magazine that the bigger the man"s feet, the bigger his todger. This piece of information was still in her mind when two days later a tramp came to the door with the biggest feet she had ever seen. Quick as a flash, she invited him in and proceeded to wine and dine him before taking him up to bed. The next day as he was leaving she shouted at him crossly, "Next time, wear shoes that fit you."
For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner"s daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys.
"Why on earth didn"t you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer.
"You know I would have married you and provided for the birth."
She replied, "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of b.a.s.t.a.r.ds in the family than a lawyer.
The starry-eyed young man was boring his friend to death by continually going on about his beautiful young fiancee.
Eventually, the friend could take it no more and blurted out, "I can"t believe you really want to marry her, you must know she"s been f.u.c.ked by every man in town."
The young man thought hard for a moment or two and then replied defensively, "Okay, but this isn"t really such a big town."
A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarra.s.sment. Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.
"That"s it, I"ve had enough," said the man, "from now on, you"ll be covered up early in the evening so you can"t see what"s going on. Otherwise, it"s the zoo for you."
A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week"s holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course filled the suitcase to overflowing.
"I"ve got an idea," said the man. "I"ll get on top, press down as much as I can and you can tell me what"s happening." But the case wouldn"t close.
"This is no good," remarked the wife.
"Here, let me have a go, I"ll get on top and we"ll see if it"s any better."
Still they couldn"t get the case to close, so the man said, "Let"s both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe that"ll work."
Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked, "I"ll take my chances at the zoo, but this I"ve just got to see?"
Bob"s flat mate walked in to find his friend sitting on the sofa, both hands bandaged and a look of great distress on his face. "Bob, what"s happened?" he gasped. "You look awful and you haven"t been back all night."
"Oh Don, it"s been a b.l.o.o.d.y nightmare," moaned Bob. "I"ve got to be the unluckiest b.u.g.g.e.r in the world. Last night, I went down the King"s Arms and met this fabulous bird. She was really hot and it wasn"t long before we were back at her place doing the business. All of a sudden, we heard a noise and she whispered frantically, "Quick, get out of here, it"s my husband."
"You"ve never seen me move so quickly. I was straight out of bed and just managed to get through the window, hanging on the ledge by my fingertips, when he barged through the door. b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, Don, I was really in the s.h.i.t. He crushed my fingers with a hammer and then closed the window on them. And if that wasn"t enough, a pa.s.ser-by reported me to the police for hanging there stark naked. Last night, I spent the time in police cells. You see how unlucky I was."
"Get away, Bob, it could happen to anyone," said Don, trying to console his distressed friend.
"But you don"t understand," pleaded Bob. "When the cops arrested me, I discovered I was only 2 inches from the ground. Unlucky heh?"
The couple had been kissing and hugging on the sofa when Stan turned to Sal and whispered "How about it Sal, it"s only a week until we get married, let"s do it now."
"Oh no Stan" she replied. "We promised we wouldn"t, can"t you wait another seven days?"
Stan looked at her mournfully. "Okay Sal, but how about if you just give me a hint of what"s to come. Go on Sal, unb.u.t.ton your dress and let me have a quick feel of your beautiful b.r.e.a.s.t.s."
"Well alright" replied Sal and she did as he asked.
"Oooh Sal, that was wonderful. Will you just do one more thing for me. Will you let me have a sniff of your f.a.n.n.y?" So Sal relented, dropped her knickers and let Stan have a quick sniff.
"Oooh Sal" he said suddenly "are you sure it"ll last another seven days?"
"There are three different stages of marriage" said Dad to his son on the boy"s wedding day. "When you"re newlyweds, you have s.e.x wherever and whenever you want it - the house, the garden, in the supermarket, all over the place. But then comes stage 2. After you"ve been married for some time, s.e.x is usually confined to the bedroom. And then comes stage 3.
Many, many years on in a marriage, the most s.e.x you get is when you pa.s.s each other on the stairs and say "f.u.c.k off!" "
A nymphomaniac could never find enough men to satisfy her so she decided to buy her own d.i.l.d.o. Now she had an old boyfriend who stocked some unique s.e.xual aids and went along to ask him for something extra special." As it happens, I"ve just had this d.i.l.d.o delivered," he said. "It"s from Hawaii and it"s got strange powers. All you have to say is "d.i.l.d.o f.a.n.n.y" and it will do the business."
So she took it home, unwrapped it and said "d.i.l.d.o f.a.n.n.y"
and the d.i.l.d.o jumped out of the box and up between her legs. It was the most fantastic feeling she"d ever had but when she wanted it to stop, it wouldn"t. Her boyfriend hadn"t given her the right words to say and she was now feeling very knackered.
"There"s only one thing to do," she thought to herself. "I"d better get to the doctor"s."
So she jumped in the car and drove as fast as she could to the surgery but on the way a policeman stopped her for speeding. She explained her predicament, in between having another o.r.g.a.s.m, but the policeman looked at her as if she was mad. "If I believed that, I"d believe anything," he said.
"d.i.l.d.o my a.s.s!"
Julie was in bed waiting for her new lover to strip off. When he did, she was so amazed at the size of his todger, she jumped out of bed and rummaged in her handbag." What are you doing?" said the surprised man.
"I"m looking for a pencil, you"ve got to draw the line somewhere."
As the woman was walking down the street, she noticed a small boy who she thought was in need of a pee. Taking him by the hand she led him over to a little alley and helped him get his "winkie" out. but to her astonishment, it was huge and growing by the minute as she held it in her hand. "My goodness, young fellow, how old are you?"
"Twenty-eight" replied the jockey.
WEDDING BELLS.
What do you say to a girl who can suck an olive through a straw? Will you marry me?
The young man was so nervous on meeting his future father- in-law that he blurted out, "Sir, may I have your daughter"s hole in handy matrimony?"
Johnny looked around the church and turned to his best man, saying, "You know Jack, apart from my wife-to-be"s two sisters, there"s not a woman in this church that I haven"t had."
Jack replied, "Well, in that case, between the two of us we"ve had them all."
There were some doubts about his wedding. On the great day his future father-in-law said to the vicar, "Why do you rope off the aisles?"
"So the groom can"t get away," replied the vicar.
Chuck and Jan arrived at the Registry Office to fill in the forms required for their wedding in two weeks" time. As Chuck wrote his name, the clerk told him he could not accept a nickname. He had better go next door to the Births, Deaths and Marriages Department to check out his full Christian name. So Chuck went next door and a few minutes later came back and duly filled in his name as Charles. But then it was Jan"s turn and she was also told to go next door and confirm her full name. In this case it was Janette.
"It"s a good thing I"m thorough," said the clerk smugly, "or this marriage wouldn"t have been legal and any kids you might have had would be technical b.a.s.t.a.r.ds."
"What a coincidence," said Jan, "that"s exactly what the bloke next door said about you."
HONEYMOONING.
It was seven days into their honeymoon and the young bride staggered downstairs to breakfast looking knackered.
"My goodness," said the waitress. "You don"t look so good, but aren"t you the bride with the older husband?"
"Yes I am, he"s 75, but I"ve discovered he"s pulled a dreadful trick on me. When he told me he had saved up for 50 years, I thought he was talking about money."
Two friends talking over the garden wall.
"Did you do as I suggested?" said Doreen. "Did you feed him a dozen oysters on your honeymoon night?"
"Oh I did," replied the other, "but only 10 of them worked!"
"You"ll never believe this, Johnny," said the simple friend.
"My wife"s a bit backward. Why! on our wedding night she put the pillow under her a.r.s.e instead of her head."