"Why do you say that, my little one?"
"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a penny!"
Gash.
A man wakes up after some special tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from the lab. I"m sorry to report that you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."
"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the h.e.l.l is that?"
"It"s a combination of Gonorrhoea, AIDS, SARS, and Herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well, we"re going to put you in isolation and give you a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas, and pita bread," says t he doctor matteroffactly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it"s the only food that will fit under the door."
Did you hear about the student that asked his tutor for an opinion on new mathematics?
His tutor replied, "O it has its plusses and minuses."
Cheeky chat up lines.
Man: "If I could see you naked, I"d die happy."
Woman: "If I saw you naked, I"d probably die laughing."
Man: I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
Man: (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let"s get you out of these wet clothes.
Man: Nice legs...what time do they open?
Man: Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
Man: You"ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Man: Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Man: I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I"m the only one talking to you.
Man: I"m a bird watcher and I"m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
Man: I"m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Man: Want to play army? I"ll lie down and you can blow the h.e.l.l out of me.
Man: I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Man: I"d really like to see how you look when I"m naked.
Man: Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
Man: You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Man: You must be the limp doctor because I"ve got a stiffy.
Man: I"d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
Man: If it"s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
Man: You know, if I were you, I"d have s.e.x with me.
Man: You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Man: f.u.c.k me if I"m wrong, but is your name Helga t.i.tsbottom?
Man: Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
Man: My name is Austin ... remember that, you"ll be screaming it later.
Man: Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Man: Hi, I"m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
I"m so Tired.
A guy comes home dead tired from working a twelvehour day and collapses in bed.
He"s just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, s.e.xy, woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don"t worry honey I"d stay faithful!"
Doctors.
A patient complained to his doctor, "I"ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they"ll see that I was right."
Junior.
Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that"ll help improve his behaviour?" he said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it"ll spread it over a wider area."
Two Lesbian frogs
Two Lesbian frogs have just had a hot s.e.x session and are sitting next to each other on a pond leaf. One frog turns to her friend and says, "Their right you know, we do taste like chicken!"
Moving.
Customer: "Do you have any c.o.c.kroaches?"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 c.o.c.kroaches?"
Customer: "I"m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."
What"s that?
A bloke is walking down the street pulling a cabbage along on the end of a string.
"What"s that?" says his mate.
"It"s me dog".
"That"s not a dog it"s a cabbage!" exclaims his pal.
"O what", says the bloke, "the man in the pet shop said it was a cauli."
Later on, the same bloke is just pulling the string down the street.
"Why are you pulling that string along asks his mate?"
Bloke replies, "Well, I tried push it but it"s impossible."
Vegas problems.
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.
The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don"t think I"ll ever do that again!
Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven"t had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven"t had a wink of sleep either!"